Sallie Culbreth - Committed to Freedom

Emotional Tsunami

2011-03-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Emotional-Tsunami.html?soid=1101382691979&aid=0beW5o9vRMA

Beyond Abuse Retreat

2011-02-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

It's Complicated

2011-01-13T04:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing sends me into orbit quicker than statements from clueless people, especially when it comes to the issues of sexual trauma. Let me say at the beginning that most clueless people are not trying to be malicious - they're just clueless. However, ignorance doesn't make their words or opinions any less hurtful. I've found it necessary to dig my nails in - white knuckled at times - as these un-informed, self-appointed advisors pass judgment or let me know what they'd do if they were me. Well . . . they aren't me and they haven't earned the right to judge - at least not by the standards they use. They aren't you, either.

Sexual trauma - regardless of the circumstances - is complicated. What makes it particularly complicated is context, relationships, age, response, and circumstances. If the perpetrator is a relative, it's quite possible that you feel some kind of affection for her or him, or even protective. It's also possible that you never want to see that person again and that you are disgusted or repulsed with every fiber of your being. Clueless people will tell you to either “forgive and forget” or to abandon these relationships completely. It doesn't always work that way - and that's part of the inner pressure you may feel.

If the perpetrator lurked in the shadows and suddenly took advantage of an opportunity to have access to you, clueless people will say things like, "It could have been worse" or "Just get over it and think happy thoughts." They don't understand that you are struggling with the “I-should-have, would-have, could-have” syndrome - second guessing your actions and your responses, questioning why you were targeted, or wondering if you're partly to blame for being in the vicinity of the shadow-monster. It takes time to sort through these thoughts and land on your feet. Clueless people don't understand that this is a difficult, complicated process.

If the perpetrator systematically groomed you - set you up with attention, favors, kindness, and affection - they exploit your needs for acceptance and inclusion. Clueless people will look at the outcome of this grooming and assume there was willingness and cooperation on your part. They won't recognize the grooming, the set up, or the strategic manipulation that placed you in the position of being victimized and exploited. This is often even more hurtful to you when the perpetrator has also manipulated everyone else around you. It also means that clueless people have no idea what they're looking at or who they’re dealing with - even when it's right in front of them. Perpetrators who groom are often so skilled at controlling others’ perception and cooperation - that people are actually charmed by them and sympathetic toward them. Being the victim of systematic grooming is a very difficult role to move beyond. It takes a while to know the truth, to recognize the grooming and set up, and to let yourself off the hook. Clueless people may even blame you because manipulators are so charismatic.

Recovery from sexual trauma is always a process. I've found it necessary to develop a pretty resilient shell when it comes to clueless people. I had to learn that my experiences are unique to me and extremely complicated. I had to cut myself some slack when clueless friends and family weighed in. I had to set some boundaries and use my voice to lay down the ground rules for their input and advice giving. I also had to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were operating out of ignorance due to a lack of similar experiences (thank God!!), and without malice - at least at the beginning!

Whether you've been groomed, suddenly assaulted, or kept by a perpetrator - it's always complicated. The situations are complicated. Your responses, decisions, and actions are also complicated. There is nothing about recovery that is simple. NOTHING! You're not dealing with a checker board of only black and white squares and specifically designated moves. What works for you may not work for others. What decisions you make may not be appropriate for anyone else. Your responses took place in a context of circumstances, age, and relationships. Let me repeat: nothing is simple. Recovery is complicated - and there will always be clueless people in your life that do not have the capacity to grasp that.

In your journey beyond abuse and trauma, be prepared for clueless people. Expect it, because when you do, it lessens the potential to derail your progress. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to have wise, informed, and aware people around to get you through the debris of trauma? Of course - but that's not always available to you. Take a deep breath, determine if their motives are good or not, and take this at your own pace, in your own way. And above all things, realize that it's complicated and that it takes awhile to regain your balance and strength.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Hijacked

2011-01-06T03:30:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that sexual trauma is a thief. The experience of assault and abuse steals a great deal from victims. Innocence. Freedom. Health. Safety. Relationships. The list varies, but there is always loss.

A particularly troubling loss is to your calendar - your seasons - your special days. If Valentine's Day twelve years ago ended in rape, then the significance of that day changes for you. If your birthday celebration turned into an opportunity for predators to molest you, your birthday becomes tainted by their actions. If the night of your high school graduation included assault and terror, then that accomplishment has been overshadowed by pain and fear. If Sunday afternoons after church gave relatives an excuse to abuse you, then the "Day the Lord Has Made" feels as if it was made for weeping, not for worship. If you were preyed upon when going out with friends or walking down a street, you may think you were to blame for an attack because you were there, having fun. (Please NOTE: the person responsible for any abuse, assault, or attack is the perpetrator, NOT the victim!!)

Recovery is about taking back what you a right to. It is about refusing to relinquish your holidays or special occasions to the thief. It is about reclaiming your body as your own, your right to be who you are, and your seasons to enjoy as you see fit. You cannot be passive about this. No one will give you these things - you must militantly reclaim them as yours.

Our Co-Director, Anne, was brutally raped many years ago on Halloween. The fun, the costumes, the silly trick-or-treating - all of it had the potential to invoke only pain for the rest of her life, and that would be understandable. But Anne did something revolutionary. She refused to let the vile animals that did this to her hijack the day. How did she do that? Well, every Halloween, she throws a HUGE party, decorates her house so elaborately that it stops traffic, and dresses in costumes with her friends and family, enjoying treats and special times of fun. In other words, the day that was hijacked - she took back!

Yes, trauma is a thief. A brutal, cruel thief. There is nothing to make light of. To shrug it off, to push it deep inside, or to deny the loss will only hijack all of your future days, seasons, and moments. There is loss, but there can also be gain if you make the decision to reclaim what you have every right to.

An important aspect of this reclamation process, is that the timing has to be right for YOU - when you're ready. At first, it may feel forced or false, but the key is to aggressively claim what is yours!

There is a time to mourn and to remember. There is a time to reflect and heal. And there is a time to radically take back what is yours - be it attending a religious service, Valentine's Day, Sunday afternoons, the first day of springs, or walking down any street you want to!

In the Hebrew Bible, there is a beautiful promise from God that states, "“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25). Trauma hijacks the ordinary every day moments and the large celebratory ones too. You have been empowered by God to take those back and reclaim them as yours.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Advent's Trauma

2010-12-17T03:30:00.000-08:00

(This is the second in a series of three articles about Advent as we prepare our hearts for Christmas: (1) Advent's Journey, (2) Advent's Trauma, and (3) Advent's Celebration.)

The arrival of Jesus was declared to be "good news." He was given the title of Prince of Peace, and yet, there was anything but peace taking place around the events of his birth. Joseph, when he heard the Virgin Mary was pregnant, considered a quiet divorce* from her (a kinder option than having her stoned to death), the land was occupied by a brutal regime, and they were issued harsh requirements to travel far from home and give birth in a barn. All of these were certainly traumatic! Not yet fully realized by Mary and Joseph was the very real threat that Jesus' birth posed.

Later in his life, his presence would prove so threatening to religious leaders that they would have him assassinated, but from birth, he was perceived to be a threat by a civil king, too. You're probably familiar with the Christmas story about the Magi (probably astrologers from Persia) who stopped in to see King Herod (Matthew 2:1-18). They were on a quest to find Jesus - the King of the Jews - which Herod found so threatening that he had all the boys under the age of two in and around Bethlehem slaughtered, hoping that this infant king would be killed too. I can't imagine the horrific scene or the overwhelming heartache that took place as his orders were carried out.

Abuse is about trauma. It happens because people do terrible things to each other. It happens because the weak and vulnerable are crushed by those who misuse their power. It happens when compassion and empathy are not part of the cultural or personal equation of small-minded people.

In your journey beyond abuse, it is easy to be consumed by the trauma of your experiences. It is easy to feel threatened by the past. It is easy to become brutal or paranoid or calloused. It is easy to forget who you are or to run away from making that discovery, but I want you to know that there is also great joy in this journey.

The arrival of Jesus was, indeed, "good news." Despite all the cruelty, the tarnished reputations, or the harsh circumstances, the presence of Christ was and still is good news. In fact, against that brutal backdrop, the Prince of Peace especially shines bright in contrast to trauma as a beacon showing us another way.

The trauma of your abuse has the very real potential of turning you into an equally heartless predator, but it also can be used to propel you forward and away - beyond it. I realize this is an allegorical parallel, but the fact remains, that "the people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned" (Isaiah 9:2, Hebrew Bible).

As you walk on your journey beyond trauma - beyond abuse - you may feel as if you're walking in darkness. That's when it is most important to lift your eyes, focus on that star in the east (or west or north or south!) and follow that light through the trauma - the shadow of death - and into the dawn. Your dawn begins the moment you choose to take a different road than the cruel, the paranoid, or the calloused. Your dawn takes place when you follow the Prince of Peace and become – like him - a magnificent being of depth, compassion, empathy, and kindness.

*Betrothal during the era of Jesus’ birth was considered to be marriage that had not yet been consummated.

Next week we will look at Advent's Celebration and the parallels to your journey beyond abuse.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Advent's Journey

2010-12-09T03:30:00.000-08:00

(This is the first in a series of three articles about Advent as we prepare our hearts for Christmas: (1) Advent's Journey, (2) Advent's Trauma, and (3) Advent's Celebration.)

You would think that the task of bringing Jesus into the world would have qualified for a first class ticket in a deluxe camel caravan suite, but that wasn't the way it worked out for Mary and Joseph. From the beginning, there were no free passes for Jesus or his family. I've often tried to place myself in their shoes (or sandals). Of course, at this time of year, pastors and choirs and made-for-television Christmas specials examine every Christmas possibility, but this isn't going to be a detailed exploration of those reflections. Instead, from the perspective of an abuse survivor, I want to explore the parallel journey you are on as you make your way to a life beyond abuse.

Unsettling news was what prompted the journey of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem. Mary's pregnancy and Joseph's response bound them together to complete an incredibly difficult mission. They were suddenly placed in a situation where society might reject them, where family might deny them, and where trust might never form between them. Their truth had the potential to isolate and possibly endanger their status and well-being.

When you, as an abuse survivor, finally acknowledge the unsettling truth about your experiences . . . when you rock the boat, shatter the secrets, and are emboldened to reclaim your life - you will be launched on a journey that has the potential to isolate and change how others see and they relate to you. This is a good thing, but it is also unsettling and life changing. However, to begin the process of moving beyond abuse will means that you have been prompted to take that first step. Making that decision - acting upon that decision - changes everything. Is there risk involved? Absolutely! You risk rejection, isolation, and perhaps even retribution. You also risk discovering the deepest levels of strength, love, beautiful people, and personal empowerment.

Under the circumstances, the journey was difficult. Mary was in the late term of her pregnancy; Joseph - knowing Who she was pregnant with - was responsible for her safe passage to Bethlehem. Not only that, but they lived under oppressive civil authority that required them to take this journey, and under rigid religious authority that eventually used their rules to crucify this child who was about to be born. However, they did not make this trip alone. There were others in equally difficult circumstances that travelled in this caravan toward Bethlehem.

The journey beyond abuse is always difficult. The circumstances - the actual abuse, your relationship dynamics, and the damage that you carry - create tremendous challenges to find safe passage to a life of peace, health, and balance. It is possible that you may encounter oppressive and rigid people who will not facilitate your progress, but throw further obstacles in your way. It is also possible that you will discover people on the same path who are willing to walk along side you as you travel.

At the journey's end – once the arrived in Bethlehem - it looked nothing like Mary and Joseph imagined. They expected to stay at an inn. Instead - thanks to the kindness of a stranger, the innkeeper - they were ushered to a stable where Mary gave birth amid donkeys and sheep and chickens and hay. I’ve read commentary on this that states the stable was actually a much better environment for Mary and Joseph than the inn. Rather than being crammed in a crowded inn with others, they were given the privacy and space they needed for the birth of Jesus.

People are often surprised by what they find when they move beyond abuse. It's probable that we all start out with some idea of what being healthy and balanced will look like, but it's also quite probable that the reality of journey's end will look quite different from that initial expectation. Being healthy might mean the beginning of a new relationship or the ending of an old one. It might mean changing personal habits or occupations or locations. Being balanced might completely alter the way you interact with others or how you reconnect with God. As you grow healthier, as you move further beyond abuse, you will discover that that which once occupied center-stage of your attention and your life - your abuse - will move to the side until it no longer defines you.

How wonderful it would have been for Mary and Joseph had there been a luxury train and a beautiful birthing suite for their journey to Bethlehem. How much easier it would have been if the angel of the Lord had appeared to all of their friends and leaders to let them know exactly Who was on his way and how this family should receive royal treatment at every juncture of the situation. But this was not to be for Mary and Joseph and Jesus. No short-cuts. No easy passage. No accommodation for these unique circumstances. This was a difficult journey in difficult circumstances.

You can spend all of your energy waiting for the luxury liner to pick you up and transport you to a fantasy destination, but that won't accomplish the new life you seek on this journey beyond abuse. Something has happened to you that is unsettling, inconvenient, and often quite painful. To move beyond abuse means that you embrace that reality and put one foot in front of the other because you KNOW there is more for your life than dysfunction, hopelessness, and chaos.

Why the human experience of men and women who do extraordinary things is so difficult remains a mystery. Mary and Joseph were given a remarkable privilege to participate in God's redemption of this world. You have also been given a remarkable privilege - to reclaim your life and find personal empowerment, health, and balance. That is no easy task, but when you take your life back into your hands - and out of your abusers' hands - you will be filled with awe and wonder. You will witness intimate miracles that few people could ever imagine. You will be in the presence of a miracle, of redemption, and of hope.

One final thought. This journey's struggle came about because average people made themselves available to do something extraordinary, and in that process, they were changed forever with the arrival of Christ. As you make yourself available to do something extraordinary, you, too, will be forever changed as you participate in life, following the path well-worn by the Prince of Peace.

Next week we will look at Advent's Trauma and the parallels with your journey beyond abuse.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Abolishing Slavery

2010-12-02T03:30:00.000-08:00

In the United States, we are marking the 150th anniversary of the American Civil War. One consequence of that conflict was the Emancipation Proclamation, which ended legal slavery. However, before that dream became a reality, there were many courageous people who helped slaves escape from their slave-owners and find passage to freedom. This passage became known as The Underground Railroad and one of its chief engineers was an escaped slaved named Harriet Tubman. I have to tell you that she is one of my all time heroes, but it wasn't just because of her involvement in The Underground Railroad. It was because of her militancy for freedom. (Click here to read more about her.)

Having been a slave, herself . . . having been permanently damaged by the abuse she suffered at the hands of her masters, she had almost insurmountable odds to overcome - just to live! But this pit-bull of a woman refused to remain a slave to her circumstances. She escaped and found her way to freedom, where she could have remained safe, but that was still not enough for her. Not enough because there were still those just like her who remained enslaved, hence the intensity of her mission and life work.

Harriet Tubman once made a statement that perfectly summarizes the struggles of all abuse survivors when she said, "I freed hundreds of slaves. I could have freed hundreds more had they only known they were slaves."
Perhaps one of the greatest challenges you face is recognizing the parts of your life - your mind, soul, body, and relationships - that are still enslaved. Let's face it - the legacy of abuse tends to keep how we live on a kind of "auto-pilot" in which you mindlessly obey the damage and don't even notice that you're not free. It is only when you've been conquered by it just once too many times that you become aware that you are still owned by it - owned by the damage and dysfunction. The question then becomes, what are you willing to risk to follow the passage that leads to freedom?

The journey beyond abuse is not for the faint-of-heart. It is for militants. It is for revolutionaries! It is for those who are sick and tired of being slaves to the past. So sick and tired of it that you're ready to escape, regardless. It's interesting to me that Harriet Tubman - and many just like her - didn't wait for the Emancipation Proclamation to proactively find freedom. She didn't need permission to know she deserved to be free. Neither do you. In fact, you may never be around people who think you have the right to be anything but conquered and dysfunctional, but you do!

The beautiful thing about making that decision to be free is that once you do, you already are! The recently released Burmese human rights activist, Aung San Suu Kyi, stated, "I always considered myself free because my mind is free." That's a powerful truth for you to embrace: once you make up your mind that you are ready to escape - to be free - you already are. This is an echo of Proverbs 23:7 in the Hebrew Bible that reads: "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." That truth will be increasingly manifested as you take each step along your personal Underground Railroad. The fact that you're on it means you're no longer a slave. It means that you've laid claim to your emancipation and you're taking action on that claim.

Harriet Tubman was ruthless about freedom and would not tolerate anyone who jeopardized the escape to freedom. The legend goes that she was known to shoot people who did so! She was completely unwilling to risk dragging dead weight - those who impeded the journey, those who preferred bondage to freedom, and those who tried to hold her or her passengers back from being free.

You and I need to be equally committed when it comes to taking back ownership of our lives. While we must always respect ourselves and other, and interact with kindness and gentleness, that is not the equivalent of being a doormat or a pushover. You have every right to be free. Harriet Tubman, who was often referred to as Moses, knew this. Jesus came for this. You must know this too, and then push past the lies that enslave you and move along that well-worn path to freedom, illuminated by the Spirit of God.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise Sandwiches

2010-11-25T03:30:00.000-08:00

My apologies to all who are allergic to peanuts, but this is about peanut butter (sort of!) Peanut butter is, perhaps, one of the most perfect foods there is (again, my apologies to the allergic readers). I've had peanut butter in all kinds of dishes. There's a wonderful African peanut butter soup (nkate nkwan) that is addictive, nutritious, and very filling. A recipe and article can be found by clicking this link.

There's the equally addictive peanut butter cookies with the characteristic criss-cross imprint, and the ever popular Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy. I've had peanut butter pie, peanut butter ice cream, peanut butter on bananas or apples, and peanut butter crackers. Yep, peanut butter is a very versatile food that's filled with nutrients. You can get it processed, creamy, chunky, and natural. You can also make it yourself (or so I've been told).

Of course, in many households, peanut butter sandwiches are the mainstay of childhood school lunches. Add strawberry or grape jelly to that, and you've got a winning combination that most kids will scarf up in a heartbeat! Peanut butter and honey sandwiches are also a big hit. But my very, very, very favorite way to eat peanut butter is on whole wheat bread with mayonnaise, sliced tomatoes, and diced onions! Okay, I can see you cringe over that thought, but don't knock it 'til you try it!

I really do have a point here that has to do with abuse recovery, and that is the vast diversity of paths that lead to healing and balance. I think one of the most dangerous aspects of seeking help is when you encounter a person who insists that the way they found healing is the only way. That's just not true. The damage from abuse falls into fairly uniform categories - self-sabotage, relationship difficulties, addictions, self-injury (cutting, substance abuse, eating disorders, etc.), and emotional imbalance (depression, anger management issues, etc) to name a few, but the road to move beyond that is quite unique for each person.

Some people find great comfort and healing in faith and religious rituals, but those same rituals can be a source of tremendous pain to others. Some people find great courage by confronting their abusers, while others might absolutely whither and disappear with a confrontation. Some people experience healing through art or music or writing, while others prefer quiet meditation or training for a marathon run. Activists use their past hurts as fuel to change things and make a difference, while a person of prayer fights those same battles in another realm. Some people follow prescribed steps taken in a sequential order to feel empowered, and others find personal empowerment as they take responsible risks.

My point is this: please be EXTREMELY careful and EXTREMELY creative in your journey beyond abuse! If "plan A" worked for your uncle and "plan B" worked for your best friend and "plan C" worked for your pastor - that's GREAT! However, if none of those plans helps you to de-tox from past abuse and dysfunction, if none leads you to a place of personal empowerment, spiritual peace, and healthy living - then you must find a plan that does! Equally important for you is not to discard the value of what works for others - because their path was THEIRS and that's cause for celebration!

Finally, I think it's so important to experiment with different approaches and different tools, and come up with the combination that works best for you. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've taken one idea from here, used another technique from there, mixed in a few ideas of my own, fought for empowerment on my knees in prayer, and used my mind to process information - and it is the SUM of these that made a difference for me . . . for ME. It might not work that way for you, and it doesn't have to!

There is joy in this journey beyond abuse. Yes, there is also tremendous pain - but to discover the path to freedom is exhilarating and life changing! So keep on your path or step off and find another - but keep moving, experimenting, listening, and learning. You never know . . . you might even discover that peanut butter, mayonnaise, tomato and onion sandwiches are de-li-cious!!

Sallie’s Recipe for PBMT&O Sandwich:

2 slices of 100% whole wheat bread
1 blob of all natural peanut butter, smeared on one slice of bread (I like to microwave my peanut butter to soften it up - but make sure that foil seal is completely off before you do . . . take it from me, you'll regret it if you don't!)
1 blob of mayonnaise, slathered on the other slice of bread
1-2 Tablespoons of diced red onion scattered evenly over the peanut butter
2 thick, juicy, slices of home-grown tomatoes (or those nasty hot-house tomatoes that are always in-season in the grocery stores!) stacked up on top of the peanut butter
Slap that bread slice with the mayo on top of the peanut butter slice (mayo side facing the peanut butter!)
Keep the crust or lose it – your choice! Cut it in half or leave it whole – your choice!
Enjoy with a nice cool glass of Mountain Valley Spring Water from Hot Springs, Arkansas!

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

2010-11-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

The "holidays" are upon us . . . that time of year when dysfunctional relationships can become so amplified that it's almost deafening! The pressure may be on you to insist that the white elephant is not in the room, even if you're all standing knee high in elephant poop! If you've been reading my articles for any length of time, you know that I'm an advocate for balance and strategic planning, and the holidays are when that becomes especially vital.

Take some time to reflect on what IS and is NOT important to you. Do you want to see Aunt Suzie but avoid her low-life husband? Do you want to be with your siblings but know that you'll also have to be with your dysfunctional parents? Do you want to stay home, stay in your jammies, and eat a sandwich? Do you want to prepare a lavish meal and use the china, crystal and silver? Only you know what you want and what you don't want, but it is VERY important to list what you want, what you really need, what you really don't need, and what you absolutely want no part of BEFORE you venture into the holiday festivities.

If you know in advance that you will be with difficult or abusive people, what are your strategies to maintain personal calm, peace, and safety? Take time to think through what those strategies might be? Can you enlist the help of a supportive friend who has awareness about the situation? Perhaps you can brainstorm with that support person and have a pre-determined plan if the gathering becomes hostile. It might even be helpful to establish a SAFE word so that your support person can help you excuse yourself and leave, or escort the difficult people out the door or away from the volatility.

Most toxic relationships that have any kind of history also have a rhythm to when the breakdown occurs - almost as if there's a schedule that is closely followed. Mom burns the turkey and right on schedule, becomes the holiday martyr. Dad turns on the TV to watch football and right on schedule, begins to scream at the kids to shut up and leave him alone. Brother arrives an hour late for the holiday meal and right on schedule, sulks over cold mashed potatoes because no one waited on him. Sister picks a fight with Uncle John about politics and right on schedule, an argument ensues, dragging the entire family into it. You offer to help clear the table and right on schedule, Grandma reminds you of how you broke her heart by not coming to Grandpa's retirement party fifteen years ago. Your abuser sits down next to you at the table and right on schedule, begins using double entendres and playing footsies with you.

You know the rhythm. You know the role each person will most likely fill. You know the flashpoints. That means that you shouldn't be surprised by too much. It also means you can think through your strategies BEFORE the gatherings so that you emerge feeling a bit more empowered, using your voice in a healthy way, and have an exit plan if you need one.

Another option to subjecting yourself, your children, or your partner to dysfunctional traditions is to consider starting a NEW tradition. Participate in a community holiday meal and serve the homeless. Gather with people who are replenishing, and essentially re-create a family gathering, except with a family of choice rather than genetics. Offer to work a holiday shift for a colleague or fellow employee. Spend time with people who live in a nursing home or group home for persons with disabilities or visit people in the hospital. Attend worship services and invite those who are there alone to sit with you, perhaps even share a church feast with them.

Only you can determine what the "holidays" mean to you. You are empowered to strategically think through how you will remain at peace, safe, and healthy. Stretch yourself a bit. If you almost kill yourself cleaning, shopping, and cooking - CHANGE that! You're not any fun to be around anyway when you do! Earlier this year, I was working long hours under some pretty big pressure. Friends of mine were coming from out-of-town to spend a few days with me. In my unhealthier days, I would have put myself in the hospital trying to create a perfect house for them to walk into, but I knew they didn't care about my house - they cared about me. So my friends arrived to dust, unmade beds, dirty dishes in the sink, and paper plates. I can't tell you how UN-like me that was, but it was also incredibly liberating. They laughed, I laughed. We did what they came to my house to do: enjoy each other!

I'm not suggesting that's a solution for you, because some people enjoying going all out. My point is this: think strategically, be reasonable with yourself, plan ahead for those on-schedule toxic dynamics to emerge, and celebrate what it is you hope holidays will celebrate! Take some time this week to make these realistic plans. Oh! And by the way . . . if there's a lot of elephant poop, be sure to wear hip boots! You'll be glad you did!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Power Differential

2010-11-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

What makes abuse, abuse? What is the difference between sexual abuse and consensual sex? These are questions that often plague people as they attempt to sift through their experiences in order to categorize or label them. I think this is sometimes done as a way to either avoid getting help or addressing the damage - but that's an idea reserved for another article.

Many abuse survivors were also sexually quite active when they were young - making it difficult for them to distinguish between what was abuse and what was consensual or acting out. The fact is that the premature sexual awakening of most abuse survivors, combined with the powerful and often confusing sexual sensations that accompany that awakening, create the common response of sexually acting out. This is understandable because people - especially children and young people - pursue powerful sensations in order to understand them and explore how to manage them.

The confused thinking goes something like this: When I was a kid, it seems like I was masturbating or sexually acting out with other kids all the time . . . even with animals. How can I call what happened to me "abuse" when I obviously enjoyed sexual feelings? If I wanted those feelings by myself or with other kids, doesn't that mean I wanted those feelings with . . . [insert name]?

That logic might have merit, except you overlooked one enormous factor: the POWER DIFFERENTIAL! It is the power differential that makes abuse possible. A predator or manipulator or exploiter or [insert behavior here] had more power and control than you did - and they chose to misuse it. That power might have been due to their size or strength, making it impossible to protect yourself or to physically escape, but there is another kind of power that is most often a key factor: the power of the relationship.
The power differential in the relationship also made it impossible to protect yourself. This may have been due to their age or their position within your family or neighborhood or church or school or community. It may have been because they were highly revered, feared, respected, or loathed. Their power may have come from their rage or threats or the leverage they used to control you. Some of that leverage may have been to protect others, to shield the truth from people because you would have been held responsible, or the threat of something terrible happening - like a divorce or an arrest or being homeless or going to Hell or not being believed.

Power is an elusive thing for a vulnerable person - particularly a child. Predators zero in on the powerlessness of their victims and twist the truth. They turned the tables on who was responsible for what and put that responsibility squarely on your shoulders. If they manipulated you to feel sexual pleasure, then they used that normal response to nail your emotional and sexual coffin closed. They created such guilt and chaos in you, that even now - looking back over the years - you struggle to distinguish between abuse and normal sexual curiosity.

It takes time, perspective, and sometimes the validation from outside your own head - to put all of this in order, but you need to hear this clearly: abuse takes place because of the POWER DIFFERENTIAL between you and your abusers. Sexual curiosity, acting out, or experimentation as you developed is not an indication of your consent to abuse. The truth is that sexual pleasure is usually experienced when a person - young or old - is sexually stimulated. The fact that you may have experienced sexual pleasure is NORMAL. What is NOT normal is the context in which you had those sensations - the CONTEXT of abuse.

This week, spend some time identifying exactly WHAT the power differentials were between you and your abusers. It might be helpful to also examine the lack of or limited power you had at that time, and how your abusers exploited those limitations for their gratification. Truth is a great liberator. So is healthy and accurate perception. The residual power of abuse is greatly diminished when you recognize not only the abuse, but the power differentials that made that abuse possible.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Schedule One of Our Seminars for 2011

2010-11-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Schedule a Committed To Freedom Seminar in 2011!
Discounts available until December 30th!

Our seminars are empowering, packed with information, practical, and affordable for your community, congregation, or organization! And until December 30th, we're offering them at the 2010 rate, a savings of $100! Please investigate the five seminars we offer: Beyond Abuse, Responsible Care, Spirituality & Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery, Manataka Holistic Empower, and Me Too! Scroll down to read each seminar's description and information. Don't put this off! Contact us today and get a Committed to Freedom seminar on your 2011 calendar!

Beyond Abuse Seminar

This seminar is for abuse survivors, their partners and friends, and people who want to understand. It is presented from a Christian perspective and introduces spiritual tools that are unique to Christian beliefs. Consider offering this as an outreach to your community. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to offer a box lunch to participants.

Discount Price: $750.00
2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00
Plus Travel, Lodging, & Meals for Presenter

Topics:

What Abuse Teaches
Issues that abuse survivors struggle with
How God factors into abuse recovery
The sub-text of Christ's experiences to abuse survivors
Strategies to manage stress

This seminar is presented from a Christian perspective, but great care is given to respect each participant's spiritual journey and questions.

Responsible Care Training Seminar

This seminar is for clergy and congregational leaders who want to learn how to better minister to abuse survivors and their families. It also addresses the spiritual needs of sex offenders and how to develop policies that are both compassionate and responsible. There is also a brief examination of ensuring that a culture of safety exists to protect vulnerable members of a congregation and community. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to offer a box lunch to participants.

Discount Price: $750.00
2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00
Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for Presenter

Topics:

Definitions and Damage of Abuse
Common issues
Forgiveness in the abuse recovery process
Helping in ways that don't hurt
Creating a culture of safety
Sex offenders - concerns, their needs, and how your congregation can develop responsible and compassionate policies to address them

Spirituality & Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery Seminar

This is a secular seminar for therapists, clinicians, and other helping professions who want further training on inclusion of a client's spirituality in their treatment plan for childhood sexual abuse. It qualifies for 3 CEU hours in most regions. Seminar length is usually three hours.

Discount Price: $750.00
2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00
Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for Presenter

Topics:

PTSD symptoms and the role of attachment
Spirituality's potential as a positive therapeutic experience
The positive and negative impact of religion on abuse survivors
Attachment disorder with God
The role of shame in triggering PTSD symptoms
The language of faith in therapy
Developing competencies to address spirituality in client treatment and care

__________________

Manataka Holistic Empowerment Seminar

This is a secular seminar for survivors of sexual and physical trauma which is highly flexible to work within diverse cultures, ethnicity, faith traditions, and languages. It incorporates the power of story, art, music, icons of healing, and commonality, which enables participants to identify their own strengths and gifts and then celebrate that discovery. This seminar requires extensive preparation and coordination with a fixed number of pre-registered participants. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to provide a meal for participants. Child care services are also encouraged.

(Manataka is a Native American term for Place of Peace)

Discount Price: $750.00
There is also a $30 per participant materials fee charged based on pre-registration

2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00

Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for the Presenter Team (usually 2-3 people)

Topics:

The Courage to Grow
Building a Memorial to Strength and Wisdom
Stress Reduction
Managing Triggers
The Freedom of Forgiveness
The Heart of Love
Writing Yourself Back Into Your Own Story
Strength and Wisdom Affirmation

__________________

Me Too!
Seminar

This seminar is for persons with intellectual disability who are survivors of sexual and physical trauma. It incorporates the power of story, images, music, and role playing in order to help participants find attainable life skills and personal empowerment. Seminar length is usually two hours.

Discount Price: $500.00
There is also a $10 per participant materials fee charged based on pre-registration.

2011 Price after 12/30: $600.00

Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for the Presenter

Topics:

The Courage to Grow
Learning to identify emotions
Role playing personal boundaries
Strategies for personal empowerment

__________________

A Few Places We've Given Seminars:

Redeemer Presbyterian Church - NYC

Tarrant County College - Ft. Worth, TX

First Presbyterian Church - Colorado Springs, CO

The Brooklyn Tabernacle - Brooklyn, NYC

Vienna Presbyterian Church - Vienna, VA

Cornerstone Assembly of God - Oxford, CN

Catholic Diocese of Davenport, IA

Mental Health/Mental Retardation Agency of Tarrant County - Ft. Worth, TX

Hawthorn Gospel Church - Hawthorn, NJ

African Services Committee - Harlem, NYC

Teen Challenge of Arkansas - Hot Springs, AR

Martin United Methodist Church - Bedford, TX

Congregations in
Ecuador
Tajikistan
France
Honduras
Costa Rica
Czech Republic

... and many other locations in the USA. References available upon request.

Unfortunately, abuse isn't going away anytime soon. Will your organization, your congregation, or your group be prepared to facilitate healing for survivors and their families? These seminars will help you to do just that. Don't put off scheduling one or more of these seminars. We have references available upon request. Please email us today with your questions and your calendar! We can't wait to hear from you!

Peace,

Sallie Culbreth, M.S., Founder
Anne Quinn, Co-Director

Save $100	Scheduling a Committed to Freedom seminar before December 30th will bring you a savings of $100 per seminar! In order to receive this discount, a $100 deposit must be received once an agreed upon date and location are confirmed with us. Please email us today to begin this process. It will be one of the best decisions you could make for your community!
Offer Expires: December 30, 2010

Committed to Freedom, Inc. is a non-profit organization that provides people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse. This communication is provided for education and inspiration and does not constitute mental health treatment. This communication does not constitute legal or professional advice, nor is it indicative of a private therapeutic relationship. Individuals desiring help for abuse related issues or other psychological concerns should seek out a mental health professional.

Unreasonable!

2010-11-04T03:30:00.000-07:00

If you've ever been in a relationship with an unreasonable person, you know how painful and distressing that can be. For an abuse survivor, the very fact that there is or has been abuse means there have also been unreasonable people in your life. For children living with abuse, there is unrelenting pressure to fix the problems. To keep everyone happy. To make everything okay so that bad things will no longer happen. For adults living with abuse or with the aftermath of childhood abuse, that same pressure exists. It's remarkable how responsible a victim can feel for the people and circumstances that perpetuate abuse!

A core reason that this pressure is felt so deeply is because of the false belief that you can somehow make unreasonable people reasonable. Many abuse survivors are "fixer's." In other words, they try to fix circumstances or fix people or fix themselves in order to smooth out the rough experiences that seem to surround them. The problem with this is that it is like giving an alcoholic one more drink or a dieter one more double-bacon-cheeseburger-with-fries. It will never be enough.

This is a harsh realization to come to: no matter what you do, it will never be enough. You cannot make unreasonable people happy. Sure, you can give them what they want and it will have a temporary effect, but the impact of that reprieve lasts a breathtakingly short period of time. Why? Because you cannot make unreasonable people happy!

To live as a person of peace, to be reasonable and to take personal responsibility for one’s well-being and balance can only be done by each individual. I've known people living in the direst of circumstances who still manage to find fulfillment and peace because they choose to. They choose to be kind. They choose to have boundaries. They choose to own themselves. I've also known people who lived in circumstances of opportunity and plenty who are bitter, resentful, and self-absorbed. In both of these examples, you do not have the ability, resources, or power to make these people reasonable. They either will be or won't be - but that's their decision.

I'm a firm believer in examining patterns. I believe it's important to first look inward and examine your own patterns and motivations. Self-assessment and self-awareness can help you to break unhealthy patterns. I think it is also very important to examine the patterns of behavior in those you are in relationship with. Whether your partner, your colleagues, your parents, friends, children, or family - if these important people are unreasonable, there is not much you can do to change that until they choose to change.

This reality means that you must re-adjust your own expectations of what you can and cannot do - what you will and will not do - if you are to remain in relationship with these people. This re-adjust is sometimes called "setting boundaries." What those boundaries are - only you can determine, but if you come to terms with your own limitations to make unreasonable people happy, then you can re-direct your energies to become a healthier person, yourself. This is not the same thing as becoming a self-absorbed, my-way-or-the-highway kind of person (that would make you unreasonable!). It is about recognizing that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

It is extremely important to understand this as you make your way forward on your journey beyond abuse. Yes, being compassionate, merciful, patient, and kind are vital to being a healthy human being, but there is a difference between a boundary-less doormat and a person who refuses to "throw their pearls before swine"(Matthew 7:6 in the New Testament Bible).

This week, take some time to examine the patterns in your relationships. Ask yourself if these patterns are toxic or healthy, functional or dysfunctional. Once you identify the relational patterns, then ask yourself this: Am I spending energy trying to re-arrange circumstances to make unreasonable people happy? Am I spending energy trying to become healthy, balanced, and establishing boundaries that are good for me and good for everyone else? These kinds of assessments help you to find sure footing so that you move toward healthy balance and away from toxic dysfunction.

In my own journey, I have to do this frequently. I also need the perspective of wise friends to help me see clearly - something I encourage you to do, also. I am still in relationships with unreasonable people, but I strive to maintain reasonable expectations of myself - knowing I will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or wealthy enough to make them reasonable or satisfied. That's just the way it is. I work to remain aware of that truth so that I can make wiser, healthier choices.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Scattered 'n Smothered

2010-10-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

There are members of my immediate family who have a tradition of going to Waffle House every Christmas for breakfast. Now, I admit that I love the ambiance of Waffle House because the patrons, the staff, and the food are consistently colorful. One of the great things about this restaurant chain's "charm" is that the food servers call out the orders to the "chef," who repeats the order. There is a Waffle House code for hash brown potato preparation that gives the order for how those 'taters are prepared. Scattered, smothered, covered, and diced means hash brown potatoes that are scattered in oil on the grill and served with sautéed onions, melted cheese, and grilled tomatoes.

For an abuse survivor, being SCATTERED has another meaning altogether. It means that you aren't focused, rational, or at peace. You may feel like you've been scattered on a hot grill and sautéed in oil, but the real issue is the mental chaos that interferes significantly with how you function. You're easily distracted. You are disorganized. You lose or misplace everything. You always run late. You drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

On the other hand, other abuse survivors are just the opposite. You SMOTHER. You're so intense and focused that no one can keep up with you. You stay on target, on message, or on mission. You're so organized that you leave absolutely NOTHING to chance. You know exactly where everything you need is at all times and even make a mental note of where others place items that you know they'll eventually need. You are punctual or even early to everything. And - by the way - you too drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

To be an abuse survivor means that at some point - when you were vulnerable, needy, and weak - you experienced trauma, secrets, danger, and exploitation that rendered you powerless. That's how abuse happens - someone with more power - be it physical or relational - misused their power and robbed you of yours. There aren't very many situations that create more anxiety for an abuse survivor than being back in that role of having little or no control. Some of us are so overwhelmed by it, that we become mentally and emotionally chaotic and scattered. Others of us are so overwhelmed by it that we try to smother it with our careful control. Either way, it's a reaction to the sense of powerless and threat.

If you're a SCATTERED kind of person, you'll need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed, externally calm, and logistically in control. Face it - you already know your patterns. You know how easily the thin ice you skate on fractures. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air and being swept away by your life circumstances, take some time to problem-solve your tendencies. If you always lose your keys - then put a nail or hook by the door and put them there the minute you come in. If you perpetually lose things, lose track of time, drop important tasks - take time to develop a reasonable system (not an over-the-top-you'll-never-succeed-because-it's-too-complicated system) to increase the likelihood of staying focused and productive.

If you're a SMOTHER kind of person, you'll also need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed and externally calm. Of course, one dilemma of a highly organized and task oriented person is the positive reinforcement you receive. People may even give you high marks, high praise, or positive reports. This becomes a problem, however, when you do not take care of yourself - when you don't cultivate inner peace, calm, and compassion for yourself or others. If being punctual and organized comes at the expense of your health, your relationships, and your joy - then it ceases to serve any positive function for you. You'll burn out and it won't be pretty.

SCATTERED people need to calm down. SMOTHER people need to do the same. Both of these reactions are a response to feeling as if you have no control - as if you're vulnerable, weak, and in danger of being exploited. Eventually, both ways of living will backfire to the point that you really ARE in a position of being powerless and vulnerable.

No - I'm not saying we're all Waffle House hash browns, but I AM saying that it is important to be aware and mindful of HOW you handle stressful circumstances. Do you exacerbate them with your chaos or do you allow yourself to be consumed by the pressure to perform and conquer? Balance is the key. Personal peace, relational well-being, and spiritual health come through balance. Awareness that you feel stress and pressure gives you the upper edge so that you can strategically accomplish what is needed without sacrificing yourself or precious relationships.

Take some time this week to examine HOW you handle stressful circumstances and then do some strategic planning to correct your under-compensation or your over-compensation. Who knows - you may even want to take a trip to Waffle House and order hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country - while you do!

By the way, hash browns that are chunked, peppered, capped, topped, and country are served with ham, jalapeno peppers, mushrooms, chili, and sausage gravy, respectively.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Me? Afraid?

2010-10-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

I remember sitting in my counselor's office in the early stages of dealing with my abuse. I was going through the laundry list of all the things I was afraid of. She looked at me and said, "Perfect love casts away fear." Well, she might as well have toss ice water in my face! I was shocked! There I was - a spiritual leader, a strong Christian, and my secular therapist had the nerve to use MY book (the Bible) to jar me speechless.

The Scripture that she used was part of 1 John 4:18 (New Testament Bible). It reads this way: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The fact is, most abuse survivors are paralyzed by fear. Some of us stay as hidden as possible from the things that cause us to feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable. Others of us fight any and every one/thing that comes our way (so that we won't feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable). Either way, fear is a core issue for abuse survivors. We work hard to numb it, run from it, or attack it. You may even rotate between all three!

Fear is not always a bad thing. Fear warns you of danger. Fear gives you common sense and re-routes otherwise foolish circumstances or relationships. But the fear I had, the fear you may still struggle with was NOT an ally. It's a paralyzing dominatrix. It drives everyone around you crazy. It drives you to the brink of a complete breakdown. It hinders you from being a truly free human being and controls what kind of parent, lover, friend, and colleague you are.

When I recovered from my speechless moment with the counselor, I could feel the pressure building in my heart. It was true. I was afraid AND I was clueless about that kind of love. I blurted out, "But there is so much to be afraid of!" Scenes of my own abuse. Fears of my children being abused, of not being wanted or needed by people who were important to me, and of not measuring up to what I thought God required of me - it all crashed inside me like tectonic plates that lead to an earthquake.

"Exactly." she said. That began a new season of exploration - of sifting out legitimate, rational fear from irrational and unfounded fear. I discovered much about myself in that process. I recognized that many of my relational issues - how I relate to others - were guided by my own fears of being unwanted or unnecessary. I recognized that most of my parenting issues - how I parented, established and enforced rules, and allowed my children to grow - were due to my fears of their safety based on my own lack of safety when I was abused. I even recognized that my relationship with God and how I lived out that relationship was dominated by fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not being righteous enough. Enough! Enough! Enough!

Love is an interesting ingredient to this issue of fear. Love for and from others. Love for and from God. Love for and from self. It is interesting because in this context it implies trust. If you trust people you are close to, then you're not afraid of their motives or behaviors. If you trust God's love and goodness, then performance and harshness are not factors in how you live out your faith. If you trust yourself, then you are confident in your ability to make wise choices and live in a healthy, constructive, and balanced way.

Take some time this week to examine your fears - I mean REALLY examine them. Are your fears due to legitimate concerns and issues or are the carry-overs from your past? Are your fears a reflex reaction or are they a reasoned response? Are they irrational or well-founded? Where does love (and/or trust) factor in to your fears or lack of them?

Self-examination is a valid process in moving beyond abuse. So much of what abuse survivors think and do is on “auto-pilot,” more-or-less. Because fear is often such a big issue for abuse survivors, constructing a solid understanding of love and trust, and how they factor in to your fears and courage go a long way in helping you to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

False Memories and Blank Spots

2010-09-30T03:30:00.000-07:00

There is a new book making the rounds about false memories entitled “My Lie” by Meredith Maran. I listened to her interview on NPR (click here to listen to the interview) a few days ago. I found it to be fascinating and relevant to what many abuse survivors struggle with: the search for a reason to make sense of your struggles. For many of us, the abuse seems dream-like at times or disjointed with large missing pieces and blank spots that seem to feel unnerving or even threatening.

Contrary to television crime shows, where a witness has perfect recall as if their memories are TiVo'd - that's not the way our memories work. Particularly traumatic memories. Our minds are amazing machines that have been given the task of keeping us protected and functioning. Sometimes that means tucking away terrifying experiences into memory crevices that are hard to locate, or coding them a bit differently from non-traumatic memories so they are recalled differently. This is often the reason that memories comes to you in bits and pieces, rather than a cohesive stream of information. Another facet of trauma recall is the age you were when abuse occurred versus the age you are when the memories take front-and-center for you. For example, in my late 40’s, I located the house where much of my abuse occurred. In my mind, I remembered the house as an enormous, haunted-house type mansion where you could practically hear perpetual thunder and lightning crackling across the rooms. I was quite shocked to discover a rather small, modest-sized house. I recognized the rooms. I recognized the lot. I recognized the house, but I remembered it through the size and experiences of a child, and I revisited it through the size and experiences of an adult.

But there's also a dark underbelly to those blank spots for which you have no answers. It has devastating consequences if you're manipulated like the author of “My Lie” was. That is the phenomenon of false memories. It usually takes place when distressed or depressed people are placed in highly vulnerable or suggestible situations, and convinced by others (often an untrained person or poorly trained counselor) that the reason for their struggles is "Scenario A" or "Scenario B," even when there is no evidence of any kind to make such a suggestion. Yes, we're all looking for answers to why we struggle with depression or rage or eating disorders or addiction. That's understandable, particularly when there seems to be no apparent reason why these issues exist. But solid academic research and common sense tells us that to suggest an abuse scenario when no such memory has been otherwise recalled, is both dangerous and irresponsible.

False memories are not deliberate lies. They are real memories - manipulated memories - of an event that did not take place. I say this often, but if you cannot recall a memory of abuse, but struggle with many of the secondary issues of abuse (depression, anxiety, self-injury, etc.), then what you need to work on are THOSE secondary issues. The "why" of those issues may become apparent to you at some point, but NEVER ever ever ever let someone suggest (either in person or through a teaching) that abuse has taken place when you are not aware of it in the first place! This muddies the waters and never gives truth an opportunity to surface in an organic way that has more integrity that suggestions do.

You may be feeling a bit defensive as you read this. That, too, is understandable. The other side of this coin is that many of us - abuse survivors - were either not believed or had our experiences minimized when we told. To have your experiences dismissed or minimized feels like the deepest kinds of betrayal - particularly when those who do so are the ones you need the most - your family or friends. When the subject of false memories is brought up, it may feel extremely threatening to you because you DO remember. You KNOW what happened. You LIVE with the scars every day from the abuse you suffered. Just like ignorant people who suggest abuse without evidence, other ignorant people will use this phenomenon of false memories to whisk away legitimate accusations and experiences of abuse. Ignorance is NOT bliss on either side of this.

For many abuse survivors, it takes years - sometimes decades - to become strong enough to disclose the abuse that occurred. That's pretty common, too. There are many reasons for this delay - fear, threats, consequences, and the shattering of the "perfect family" or "perfect pastor" or "perfect neighbor." Personally, I didn't disclose my childhood abuse by my grandfather until I was in my 30's. When you have this kind of delay in disclosure - people will wonder (perhaps even ask you) why you didn't come forward with this information sooner? The reasons for delay are as varied as the individuals who experience abuse. For me, I just didn't want to rock the boat - I wanted to pretend that everything was okay and not have to deal with the questions, the disruption in the ways things had always been, or hurt some people that I loved. It's probably safe to say that disclosure of abuse is rarely met with joy or relief - although there are probably exceptions to that - but when it's time for you, IF it's time for you - then you need to be prepared for the fall-out that will most certainly come. Am I better off because I disclosed? Yes and no. It's complicated - as anyone who has this experience knows.

Take time with your memories and experiences. Don't be so concerned about WHAT you remember as WHAT you're struggling with. If you're depressed and you come from a good home, have a good life, and have no recollection of any trauma or abuse, then deal with the depression. Period! If you're depressed and have memories of trauma and abuse, then connect those dots to see the cause-and-effect and work to restructure how you think about yourself and the present, in the context of your past.

False memories rip off the truth, and most certainly do great harm to people who have truly experienced trauma and abuse. Reality is what must be dealt with - whether or not you discover what those shadow memories are or are not. I believe those blank spots in your memories, those missing pieces - are God's way of protecting you until you're strong enough or in an appropriate place in your journey to look at them full-faced. I think they serve as a kind of spiritual bubble-wrap that will eventually dissolve when and if you're ready. Speaking to my own experiences, I only disclosed to others what I had known - but not acknowledged - most of my life. I looked away from it up until then. It just became a reality for everyone else when I told, but I had known it and not admitted it for decades. Personally, I believe that you will remember what you need to remember when you're ready. That won't come through hypnosis or manipulation. It comes through the honest pursuit of authenticity and integrity. Truth is truth. False truth is NOT truth. Healthy people seek truth, not manipulated explanations that may or may not have any basis in fact.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Pain is Different

2010-09-23T03:30:00.000-07:00

I am often approached by people who seem to need their experiences put in a category - to have it labeled. They share a few details and then ask, "Is that abuse?" My answer is always, "If it feels abusive or inappropriate to you, then it was abusive and inappropriate."

Other people will qualify their experiences by saying, "I know some people have gone through much worse than me." To which I reply, "But that doesn't diminish your experiences and the damage you feel."

In your journey beyond abuse it is important to recognize that your experiences - whether more severe than others' or less - are YOURS to move beyond. If your hand was cut off and my leg was cut off - we would both have damage to overcome, but my loss of a leg would not diminish your loss of a hand. They are different losses for different people. In this example, you would still have to deal with the loss of your hand. It is the same with experiences that have been abusive and damaging. Your experiences are worthy of being addressed. Your wounds are worthy of being tended to. The damaged places in your body, your spirit, and your living skills must be acknowledged and overcome if you are to find a place of balance and health.

At the same time, I do think it is important to keep your experiences in perspective - to a certain degree. But pain is pain. Damage is damage. Dysfunction is dysfunction. There will always be other people who have gone through much more severe trauma than you, and it is important to have awareness of that fact. Or perhaps your experiences are much more traumatic than most, and it is important to have awareness of that fact, as well. But severe or mild, abuse survivors must learn to have sensitivity to the trauma of others, and - at the same time - take appropriate steps to find their own place of balance, peace, and health.

Your pain is YOUR pain. My pain is MINE. We accomplish nothing by minimizing our own pain because someone else had it much worse. At the same time, we accomplish nothing by being so focused on our own pain that we minimize the trauma that other people have experienced.

When you think about your abuse experiences - whether it is very severe or mildly severe - it is what it is. It was what it was. It is worthy of being addressed and cared for. It is also something to eventually move beyond - not in a snow-plow-pushed-through-it sort of way. More like an unpacking, acknowledging, and re-arranging how you relate to it sort of way.

Running away from it or wallowing in it - neither of these is healthy or productive. What IS healthy and productive is acknowledgement of what felt inappropriate or abusive, and taking the time to learn how to navigate through it and move beyond it. This is done by strategically managing your response to triggers; being accountable for how you live your life to a wise friend, mentor, counselor, or support group; respecting your body, intellect, and spirit and treating them in a healthy way; assessing how you function in relationships and re-drawing healthy boundaries; and re-learning how to live in a more functional, balanced, and holistic way.

I often think about the woman caught in adultery who was dragged before Jesus by the men in her village (John 8:1-11, New Testament Bible). There were two distinct issues going on here, and Jesus addressed them both. The first issue Jesus addressed was the hypocrisy of the villagers. The second issue was the woman's own behavior. Jesus didn't ignore one to address the other. He faced both issues, because both were worthy of being addressed. This is true for you, too.

Your pain is different from any one else's. There may be similarities - even the same abusers in the same household in the same way - but nonetheless, your pain is different. Don't look for a label or a category before you launch into a healthier, more balanced and honest way of living. Don't minimize or wallow in your experiences in order to address them. In many respects, during the intense stages of abuse recovery - you are the one who matters the most. But you will discover that as you become healthier, you can enlarge your worldview and maybe even help others who are similarly wounded. You can't hide behind helping others as a way to avoid facing your own damage and healing journey, either. But on the other side of the intense phases of abuse recovery, you will find that you just might have the wisdom and sensitivity to walk with another on this difficult road that leads beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

2010-09-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
-Sidney J. Harris

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Proactive Sheep!

2010-09-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was visiting a church and the children's moment was about the parable of the one lost sheep. This is a well-known story that Jesus told about a shepherd who had one-hundred sheep. As he herded them into the pen, he counted up to ninety-nine and discovered that one of his sheep was missing. Jesus continues with the story that the shepherd was willing to go after the one lost sheep. At all costs, the shepherd pursued the lost sheep, knowing that his other ninety-nine were safe. That's the image of God's love - he pursues those who are lost. He finds them, he rescues them, and he brings them back into the fold. (You can read this story for yourself in Luke 15:1-10 in the New Testament Bible).

Anyway, that was the story told to the children, but the way the teacher started was by asking them, "What would happen if you were at the mall and got lost from your mom or your dad?" She was trying to direct them to the conclusion that their parents would go looking for them, but that was not the response she got. Nope! These kids were NOT going to wait on their parents to resolve their lostness. They announced they would find a mall security guard or go to a store clerk or go stand by the correct exit. They would use their cell phones (yes . . . THEIR cell phones) and call or text their locations. They would yell, "Mom!" or "Dad!" again and again until their parents located them. If someone tried to abduct them they were going to yell, "Stranger!! This is not my mom!!"

It was very amusing to watch the teacher ponder how to re-phrase her question to get her point across, but I found the whole thing quite fascinating for another reason. These kids had no intention of remaining lost. They were proactive sheep and the sooner they got back with the shepherd, the better. No waiting around for them! They had a plan and they were determined to implement it. Yes, yes . . . they finally recognized that their mothers or fathers would be looking for them too . . . just like the shepherd in the story, but these kids had given this a lot of thought. They were not going to passively accept their lostness!

I couldn't help but see a parallel between these proactive little lambs and the proactive nature of abuse recovery. Many of us can point to specific moments or encounters when it was apparent that God was mysteriously at work to help us find our way forward to a place of health and balance. At the same time, there is nothing passive about your part in this forward motion of abuse recovery.

You've got to be a proactive sheep who knows the shepherd is on the move, seeking and finding those who are lost, but you've got a part in this rescue, too. Like those proactive children in church, start looking for help. Look for people, opportunities, and environments that will help you anchor into a strong, healthy life and . . . stay anchored there! Make some noise and don't be content to stay stuck in the thickets, hearing the wolves circling. Clamor for help! Rock the boat until someone who can help notices your need and assists you to get where you need to go. Make sure you're choosy about who you go off with, too! And if that person or group tries to force you back into a corner where you're once more devalued, degraded, silenced, or disempowered, don't you dare think you've got to go with them!

One of my favorite authors is Anne Lamott. In one of her books, she identifies two kinds of prayers that people need to know. One is: "Help me! Help me! Help me!" and the other is, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Let me second that observation! I say it often, but abuse recovery is about militancy for freedom. It is a pit-bull determination to go after what you need and not let go, no matter what! It is the "Help me! Help me! Help me!!" prayer! Abuse recovery - as these very wise children noted - is about being like lost, yet proactive, sheep! And when you feel the comfort and strength of God's love leading you safely to the road of recovery, then you can proactively practice that other wonderful prayer: "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

2010-09-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

"It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us."

-J.K. Rowling

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Self

2010-09-09T03:30:00.000-07:00

In a recent conversation I had with my six year old grandson, he made this statement: "Ya know, Grannie, I'm really pretty awesome!" Well, he didn't have to convince me of this, but what struck me was the matter-of-fact way he said it. He was pretty much letting me know that facts are facts, it was true, and he had no doubts about his awesomeness. He didn't qualify it with the kinds of things many of us would use, such as "I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I'm really pretty awesome." Worse yet, many of us would never even say such a thing out loud for fear that it might reflect negatively in the opinions of others.

A bitter by-product of abuse is what it does to one's idea about self. It is a vampire, a devourer, a destroyer of self-image. The experience of abuse turns you inside out and that unspoiled belief that you are awesome is replaced with the wretched belief that you are worthless and insignificant. Over the years, this miserable belief turns into a toxic form of survival called narcissism. A narcissist is a person who is extremely preoccupied with self. They react to criticism with rage or shame and often exaggerate their accomplishments, requiring continuous attention. Almost everything a narcissist does involves his or her self interests or goals. They have extremely unrealistic expectations of others and often completely disregard their feelings, needs. Empathy is not a strong point for a narcissist. You might argue with me about you having any narcissistic tendencies because you have such low self-esteem, but isn't the essence of low self-esteem when a person thinks about themselves all the time?

Abuse took your legitimate needs to be valued, cherished, respected, and significant, and exploited them. You were manipulated, disregarded, overpowered, and misused for the gratification of your abuser. For a developing person, that creates a love-hate relationship with those legitimate needs. You think you're worthless, but search relentlessly for someone to value you - but if you find such a person, you raise the bar so high that they will never measure up, and then you explode. Of course that explosion can be external or internal, but either way, there's an intense reaction. It's a vicious cycle.

A real mark of abuse recovery is the change in how you think of yourself. Recovery is really a reclamation of your value, an understanding that you are worthy of being cherished and respected, and a rejection of exploitation. Positive self-esteem is a pretty good gauge that you are turning a corner. It means you no longer function as if everything is a threat to your very existence. Criticism is met with objective consideration - are the criticisms valid? Are they unfounded? Either way, your response is measured and balanced, rather than vicious and destructive. Positive self-esteem recognizes personal limitations and celebrates others who do not have such limitations. It also recognizes personal talent, intelligence, aptitude, and beauty without being ashamed of them or the accomplishments they may bring. Empathy and genuine consideration of others, without a hidden agenda, are natural for a person with positive self-esteem. When you reclaim your value, then you don't need the constant attention and adoration of others, nor are you easily threatened when attention is lavished on others rather than you.

Narcissism is really the manifestation of a broken child whose demands for safety, love, and respect have mutated into a monstrous, demanding adult who mishandles others, as well as self. Positive self-esteem is much, much more than having a warm-fuzzy-feel-good. It is the manifestation of a wounded person who is changing his or her worldview to embrace both your gifts and shortcomings, your beauty and your flaws, your strengths and your weakness, and consider the needs and perspectives of others around you.

Abuse breeds narcissistic tendencies. Abuse recovery breeds a positive self-belief. As you challenge ugly, narcissistic thinking, as you reclaim your worth, you will find that corner-turning child-like epiphany that unapologetically knows - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are pretty awesome!

Say it with me, “Ya know, I’m really pretty awesome!” And, by the way, you don’t have to convince me of that!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

2010-09-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

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2010-09-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

Our fall retreats are coming up soon. There are substantial discounts for early registration and registering with your partner or a friend. Click here for more information.

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

j

2010-09-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
-Don McLean

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Disclosure and Betrayal

2010-09-02T03:30:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of emails and letters from abuse survivors who are stunned by the response of family, friends, and clergy when they disclosed their experiences of abuse. No matter how much these people may have failed them in the past; they still somehow believed that once the abuse is exposed, they will find support, acceptance, and compassion. Instead, they found the same old toxic dynamics, the same dysfunction, and the same sick system that harbors secrets and covers up abuse. In many ways, this kind of response is almost equal to the betrayal and trauma brought on by the original abuse.

Now hopefully, if or when you disclosed your abuse, or when someone you loved disclosed they had been abused to you, the response was appropriate, empowering, and an important step in your healing. Honestly, if that was your experience, you are a very fortunate person and I celebrate that with you and for you!

On the other hand, if you were handled poorly after you disclosed, you've got lots of company because this is, sadly, quite common. The reasons for inadequate or inappropriate response are quite revealing. I read an article just this week about an abuse victim in Belgium being urged by his Bishop to delay making a public statement about his abuse until the bishop who abused the victim retired. This is shocking! Outrageous! ... and not that unusual.

Abuse victims are frequently shunned by their families. Siblings and non-offending parents will often rally around the abusing family member, turning the victim into a scapegoat for causing such distress. The victim ends up being labeled as the bad-guy and the already deep wounds suddenly plunge much deeper.

In cases such as the one in Belgium, victims of authority figures often face tremendous pressure to remain quiet, to think of the needs of the perpetrator - particularly if he or she is older, or intimidated into silence. They are convinced they will not be believed; are accused of making things up about such a "wonderful" person; and asked to consider how difficult this will be on the church or school or club or the perpetrator's spouse or children.

To be handled in these ways is perhaps one of the most hurtful betrayals that victims can feel, second only to the actual abuse. There is no way to make this kind of treatment sting any less, but it is VERY important to recognize it for what it is: a continued system of victimization and exploitation. The message becomes quite clear: keep quiet and don't rock the boat.

When you need them the most, when you've disclosed the most intimate, exposing kind of crime, that's when you need support, to be believed, and to be protected. If that hasn't been your experience, then you will need to navigate through that additional layer of betrayal in your journey beyond abuse.

First of all, if you've not been believed or been intimidated, or even been accused, then those people or organizations have demonstrated - beyond a doubt - that they are not trustworthy. You won't move forward if you continue to expect appropriate advocacy or aftercare from them. They either can't or won't give it to you and you could use your precious little energy trying to make them be what they are not. It is terrifying to face the failures of others when you need them the most. It is devastating to see your family or your church or your group or your community rally around the perpetrator and leave you feeling violated and exposed.

Healing comes from being honest. It comes from facing truth and facts to determine reasonable and mature strategies. Healing comes from seeing people and groups as they are, not as you want or need them to be. When you see this, you will turn your energy and your heart toward others who will be what you need . . . who will be your friend, your advocate, your comfort, and your encourager.

Jesus clearly knew about the failure of people in one's deepest hour of need. He taught his followers that it is very appropriate to have boundaries with people who respond in such despicable ways. His instructions are: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6). In other words, you are under no obligation to hand over your treasures - your heart or your hurts - to people who will mishandle that gift. Jesus said that if you do, they will rip your needs apart and then will turn and shred you, too.

To be further mishandled by your family, your church, or your community is absolutely devastating. Once this happens, be very careful about how much more you look to them for healing comfort and support. It is quite possible that you will need to look elsewhere for these very real needs of being believed, being respected, being valued, and being understood. To do otherwise is to enhance the abuse you've already suffered instead of finding your way forward with those who understand.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

2010-08-31T03:30:00.000-07:00

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

-Jesus
John 16:33, New Testament Bible (NIV)

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse

Forgiveness Doesn't Negate Damage

2010-08-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

(Be sure to join our weekly discussion about this article on Facebook, which is posted every Friday and remains open for ongoing participation.)

Maya Angelou, writer and poet, once wrote: I answer the heroic question, "Death, where is thy sting?" with "It is here in my heart and mind and memories."

Perhaps one of the great challenges for abuse survivors is navigating through the process of forgiveness, yet still having to live with or overcome the damage. Over the years, I've had many conversations with people who aren't sure if they have "really" forgiven people. When I press for the reasons people feel this way, it almost always comes back to the harsh realities that survivors struggle with from day to day as a result of abuse. Physical problems. Dysfunctional relationships. Addictions. Rage. Nightmares. Fear. Trust issues. Sexual chaos. Depression. Self-injury. The long list of challenges faced by abuse survivors reflects very real and ongoing battles due directly and indirectly from abuse.

I think it's important to distinguish between the act of forgiveness and the ongoing damage that results from abuse. First, let me define forgiveness: Forgiveness is the decision to release yourself from the actions and injustice committed against you (whether that is abuse or some other wrong). You make a conscious decision to continue on your life journey no longer attached to these wrongs or those who committed them. For people of faith, this decision includes not only releasing yourself FROM this attachment, but also releasing the responsibilities of justice TO God. Even if you're unable to trust God - even if you do not believe in God - you can still make a decision to release yourself from the penalty you bear because of someone else's actions. For most of us, the greatest penalty we continue to pay for abuse and injustice is that we are consumed with paralyzing bitterness. In many ways, forgiveness has almost nothing to do with the person(s) involved and everything to do with YOU releasing YOURSELF to move forward, no longer chained to bitterness. You set a prisoner free, and that prisoner of bitterness is you.

Okay, so you've done that. You've released yourself from the injustice. You sent the responsibility of injustice to God or accepted the realization that no matter how hard you try, your bitterness accomplishes nothing - other than to keep that injustice alive and growing as a festering wound. Forgiveness is a vital piece of abuse recovery, but it still doesn't erase the damage. It still doesn't FEEL like you've been released because you've got such an unjust war to fight! I think that's where a lot of people get bogged down. The bitterness is dealt with as best as it can be, and yet, you're depressed, sexually broken, plagued by trust issues, control issues, and fear.

There's so much about this that's just stinking unfair, and it is in that unfairness that you may feel bitterness come back with a vengeance. Of course, the problem with bitterness is that it deflects attention and energy away from healing and puts you right back into a counterproductive cycle. When I'm dealing with the physical damage that I live with to this day because of my abuse, it's very easy to slip back into debilitating bitterness - but that doesn't change my reality, it only compounds the difficulties I have to live with. When I am jolted awake by a terrifying nightmare where I relive the abuse, all of my energy needs to help redirect me to calm down and recalibrate so I know where I am. When I'm trying to navigate through close relationships and I feel like a stranger in another land who doesn't know the language or the customs, that discomfort can overwhelm me so much that I pin it all on my abuse and the injustice of it all. Of course, I can spin that discomfort in my head and heart until I wind up destroying precious relationships rather than taking the time to cultivate and nurture them.

Abuse, like death, has a very real sting to it long after the abuse stops. That sting is the damage - the unfair battles that you face. The sting lives in your heart and your mind (and your body) and your memories. Bitterness compounds that sting to the point that it becomes a festering sore. Forgiveness drains that bitter infection and puts you light years ahead in your journey beyond abuse, but it doesn't erase many of the issues and conditions that you're left with. There are two steps in the process of abuse recovery: forgiveness and navigation. When you feel bitterness creeping back as you struggle and thrash with the damage, be very clear and very firm with it. Bitterness will re-attach you to the injustice and drain all of your energy for the real task at hand: re-learning how to live, how to love, and how to turn tragedy into a positive force for change.

You can't change the past. You can't rewrite your history and undo what has been done to you. Forgiveness releases you to be MORE than your past. What you CAN do - what you MUST do - is to use your energies to navigate through the damage, strategize how to live, re-learn, change your perspective, and become healthy.

Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse

2010-08-24T03:30:00.000-07:00

Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.
-Louis L'Amour

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

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2010-08-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

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Sex, Lies, and Liberating Truth

2010-08-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

(Be sure to join our Friday Discussion about this article on Facebook)

In last week's article, I wrote the following:

"Right about now, you're probably thinking through your sexual history and experiences and finding that celebration of your sexuality and sexual function are not necessarily the conclusions you come to. You think of being exploited and hurt. You think of being used and set up. You think of having the innocence of childhood and the joy of sexual pleasure stolen. These things are part of my sexual history too, but you and I have an opportunity to carve out a new sexual identity. One based on the sacred design, crafted by a master Artist, and intended for pleasure and celebration. That requires actively confronting the lies of abuse, identifying those lies, and replacing the misinformation or contamination with a celebration of the wonder that you and your sexuality are."

So let's look at some of this chaos and determine how to find sacred sexual liberation.

Many survivors falsely believe that because they experienced sexual sensations or sexual pleasure, this can only mean that they either invited the abuse or enjoyed it. In other words, they equate sexual pleasure with consent. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, many abusers use sexual pleasure and stimulation as a means of grooming and confusing their victims. If you experienced sexual pleasure during the abuse, if you felt sexual arousal or excitement, you responded exactly as you were created to respond. The problem with those sexual feelings of arousal and pleasure is not that you felt them - the problem is the CONTEXT in which those experiences occurred. You were designed to experience sexual pleasure when sexually stimulate. That's normal. What is NOT normal is the context where that stimulation occurred: the context of abuse.

Sexual acting out with other children or with animals is a very common experience for abuse survivors. In fact, many look back over their youth and see that the predominant theme is pursuit of sexual feelings and experiences. Quite often, when abuse survivors reflect on this sexual theme of their youth, they struggle to even label what happened to them as "abuse." The thinking goes something like this: "If I pursued having sex or sexual encounters with other kids when I was young, maybe I was just a twisted sex maniac that really wanted what happened to me." Again, nothing could be further from the truth. Young people who act out are those who have had a premature sexual awakening. Just like adults, they are trying to make sense of what they experienced and know, sexually. Physically, emotionally, and relationally, they don't know how that's done. Their model has been violation and exploitation by an abuser for the satisfaction of the abuser's needs, so they seek out less threatening partners to explore what is awake and aware. Sexual acting out is one reason abuse survivors carry false guilt and long held secrets. That shame of pursuit is an enormous player in the toxic inner world of one who has survived childhood sexual abuse.

It is very common for abuse survivors to believe that "sex" is the equivalent to being exploited and hurt, set up and used. This is understandable, since this precious gift of sexual expression has been used as a weapon, a trick, and manipulation. A substantial amount of energy must go to counter these beliefs, but that's where balance and truth come in. If you've been abused, you HAVE been exploited, hurt, set up, and used. In fact, many abused youth grow into adults with equally abusive sexual partners who continue these patterns of exploitation, hurt, and manipulation. Sifting through these exploitive experiences and coming to terms with it gives you an opportunity to renegotiate with your body, develop healthy boundaries, and counter the internal sexual script that prevents you from being fully present.

Many abuse survivors are highly aroused by violent or degrading sexual fantasies. For some, these fantasies seem to be the only way they can feel arousal or reach orgasm. At the same time, shame and great confusion accompany the fantasies and the arousal they bring, particularly because they have been sexually victimized and exploited. The reasons for this are not always clear, but it touches deeply on the sexual brokenness within a survivor. It is as if survivors sexually imprint on the twisted, exploitive themes of their abuse and that becomes the baseline or channel to where and how arousal or gratification arrives. The experience of abuse - as I've said many times before - teaches a survivor his or her worth, which generally means they feel like a piece of garbage, like damaged goods, like something defiled and dirty. These are lies that feel like the truth, but when a survivor explores his or her sexuality through the filter of these lies, then violent and degrading fantasies may be the ticket to sexual gratification. To see your sexuality through the truth that you are a sacred, pure, and holy vessel may feel so foreign that you shut down, rather than celebrate the sexual pleasure that God created you to enjoy.

Sometimes, abuse survivors question the impact of abuse on their sexual orientation. There have been several academic studies dedicated to this question and there is no conclusive evidence that abuse determines an individual's sexual orientation. What is frequently experienced by survivors who may wonder why their sexual orientation is what it is, is the suspicion of this correlation. This is particularly true for men who were abused by males. There are many survivors who struggle with their sexual orientation and are searching for a reason why. They suspect that there was something about them that invited the abuse, or that the abuse turned them toward one sexual orientation or another. It is important to recognize that the responsibility for abuse - regardless of the gender of the victim or perpetrator - the responsibility is with the perpetrator, and his or her actions usually reap a chaotic sexual harvest in the survivor's life.

Risk-taking sexual behavior, sexual addiction, struggles with pornography, sexual anorexia - these are the tormented struggles that many abuse survivors wrestle with moment by moment. There is not adequate space here to address how deep these sexually broken roots go. These are complicated struggles that are compounded by feelings of worthlessness, abuse flashbacks, false guilt and shame, body memory, and societies who appear to be as sexually broken as abuse survivors.

But here's the truth: Sexual gratification is a gift from God. Your body is a beautiful vessel, reflective of your Creator's beauty. The sensual, erotic celebration of love was God's idea. There are a few Scriptures found in the Bible that I'd like to point out for you to consider as you reconstruct who you are as a sexual being. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? … for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple" (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). Another Scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19) to meditate on is "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"

The great challenge for abuse survivors is to shed lies and embrace truth. Understanding the beauty and pleasure of your sexuality requires shedding the sexually shattering lies you learned from abuse. Take the time to re-educate yourself about sex and sexual function. You might even want to find a sex education book for children or teens and learn correct information about how your body works. Asking God for help to re-construct how you view yourself includes asking God to help you with your sexual brokenness. In my own journey beyond abuse, some of the holiest moments I’ve known happened as I learned to celebrate the sacredness of sexuality.

Intentionally challenge your sexual chaos and brokenness. Re-write the sexual script that you rehearse over and over in your mind. Treat yourself with the dignity and respect that you were created for. Treat others with that same dignity and respect. Educate yourself. Celebrate your body. I conclude with the opening paragraph from last week's article:

Celibate or sexually active, the truth remains that you, your body, and your sexuality are beautiful, amazing, and sacred creations of God. Long before a partner is introduced into your sexual experience, the one you most need to celebrate and be in awe of is you! The Scripture states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14, Hebrew Bible). In other words, when you decide how you're going to live in your own skin, particularly as a person of faith, you must embrace the exquisite design that is you. That design includes your sexuality and sexual function

Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

2010-08-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

People cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-Andre Gide

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Intimacy Pain

2010-08-12T03:30:00.000-07:00

Sexual Pain

(Be sure to join our Friday Discussion about this article on Facebook)

You'll notice that the title of this article in your subject line is Intimacy Pain. I did that so your filters wouldn't toss this in the junk heap. In many ways, that might be a perfect metaphor for the extreme reaction that so many abuse survivors have about the issues of sex and sexuality. The fact is, most survivors are in a great deal of sexual pain. I'm not speaking exclusively to physical sexual pain, but also to emotional and spiritual sexual pain.

I remember a few years ago, as I prepared for a Beyond Abuse retreat, there was one registration form that made me smile, but it also made me sad. The registrant's response to the question, "What are your expectations for this retreat?" wrote, "I just want to know how to have great sex." That sums up where many of us are. We don't understand sex. We're sexually broken people who know a lot about having sex, but don't know much about sexual well-being.

The extreme thinking about sex usually swings to either complete avoidance of sexual sensations and arousal or complete obsession. Sometime, it can actually include both when survivors are so obsessed with sex that it scares them to the point that they avoid any thoughts or behaviors that are sexual in nature. Variations to these extreme ideas are a direct result of the confusing feelings, sensations, environment, relationships, and circumstances that surrounded abuse. Premature sexual awakening and confusing sensations also contributed to this confusion. In addition, the sense of danger, secrets, shame, and terror shaped your sexual ideas. The very real physical pain that many of us experienced is another enormous factor in how we think about sex. This is especially true when you still live with the physical damage, including sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies, genital damage and mutilation, abortion, and urinary tract or gastrointestinal damage.

For the most part, the way most survivors learn about sex, sexual practices and behavior, and your identity as a sexual being comes from your abusers and/or pornography. That fact, alone, can precipitate complete ambivalence. It’s chaotic and complicated for most of us. For those who practice self injurious or predatory sexual behavior, research indicates that this is often an attempt to create a scenario similar to that of abuse, but this time, the victim wins. The reason this kind of behavior can escalate is because the pleasure factor that reinforces the scenario and the stakes are amplified. On the other extreme for those who claim to have a complete aversion and even repulsion of sex, research has demonstrated that these abuse survivors are much more easily aroused than those who indicate they enjoy or pursue sex. What this reveals - on either extreme - is that abuse survivors do not understand sex. Now, to be fair, it's pretty obvious that most of society doesn't have an extremely healthy understanding of sex and sexuality either, but this sense is exaggerated with abuse survivors.

An important antidote to sexual pain is information and truth. I say it often, but when you're abused, the lies feel like truth, and truth feels like a lie. There is no issue that demonstrates this more than sex. For an abuse survivor, being at home in your own body, being at peace with how it functions and what it feels, and allowing those feelings to be experienced as pleasurable, good, and sacred is no small task.

Celibate or sexually active, the truth remains that you, your body, and your sexuality are beautiful, amazing, and sacred creations of God. Long before a partner is introduced into your sexual experience, the one you most need to celebrate and be in awe of is you! The Scripture states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14, Hebrew Bible). In other words, when you decide how you're going to live in your own skin, particularly as a person of faith, you must embrace the exquisite design that is you. That design includes your sexuality and sexual function.

Right about now, you're probably thinking through your sexual history and experiences and finding that celebration of your sexuality and sexual function are not necessarily the conclusions you come to. You think of being exploited and hurt. You think of being used and set up. You think of having the innocence of childhood and the joy of sexual pleasure stolen. These things are part of my sexual history too, but you and I have an opportunity to carve out a new sexual identity. One based on the sacred design, crafted by a master Artist, and intended for pleasure and celebration. That requires actively confronting the lies of abuse, identifying those lies, and replacing the misinformation or contamination with a celebration of the wonder that you and your sexuality are.

Next week, we will look at some of these lies that feel like the truth, and identify new ways of thinking about sexuality that will help you to be sexually healthier. In the meantime, perhaps a good thing to do over this next week is to think about yourself as a sexual being, and join the psalmist's celebration and say to your Creator, "I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful - and that would include me! I know that full well!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

2010-08-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

Avoid problems, and you'll never be the one who overcame them.
-Richard Bach

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Searching for Faith in the Setting of Your Abuse

2010-08-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've had to excuse myself from church services or religious conversations on more than one occasion, and I suspect I'm not alone in my reasons for doing so. Like so many other abuse survivors, my abuse occurred within the context of faith and religious practices. The rituals and routines that bring millions of people comfort and strength have often been excruciatingly painful and disruptive to me. Many times, the icons of faith have not reminded me of God's love, but of abuse and exploitation. The dilemma - for many of us - is how to reclaim your faith in the midst of a setting that is inextricably connected to perversion, terror, secrets, and abuse of power?

Here are a few suggestions that worked for me. Please understand, they worked for ME and might not be helpful for you, HOWEVER, I hope this is a springboard to think through strategies that could potentially work for you.

1. Recognize that the religious practices of your abusers are not synonymous with your own spiritual journey - even if you remain in or return to those religious practices. This was a primary reason for my resistance to Christianity - it was the religion that my abuser was involved in and hid behind to justify the abuse. It took awhile for me to separate following Christ from the perversion of the Christian religion that stole my innocence. Freedom - for me - came when I recognized these as separate entities.

2. Embrace faith practices that bring genuine comfort to you. Resist feeling pressured into religious practices that are toxic to you because that is not an honest act of faith or worship, it is a performance. When I returned to Christianity, I struggled deeply with the music of the church - not because of the music itself, but because these were the songs of my abusers. While others around me found encouragement, comfort, and strength in songs like “Amazing Grace” or “There's Room at the Cross,” I found myself snatched away to the horrors of childhood sexual abuse. While the Scriptures provided wisdom, instruction, and enlightenment to my fellow believers, they bludgeoned me because it was THAT book that occupied a central place in my abusers' home. THOSE words were quoted with venom and hypocrisy and hammered into the soft heart of an exploited child.

3. Rehearse an inner dialogue that will help you navigate through worship services, sermons, and study groups. For years, when it was time for music during worship services, I had a conversation going in my head that went something like this: "This is just music. It is meant to help people to focus on the love of God, the power of faith, and the peace of hope. In no way is this my abuse or my abusers. It is what it is: sacred music. It is not my abusers, it is just music and I am going to look for the encouragement, strength, and peace that it contains. I am going to remove their voices from these songs and their actions from these words."

4. Do not be afraid to challenge teachings and beliefs that seem toxic to you. A true teacher welcomes honesty inquiry from a seeker. If those you challenge become defensive, aggressive, or condemning, find someone else with wisdom to help you explore your concerns and struggles. I vividly remember feeling like a ping pong ball being slammed from one clergy's paddle to another. My questions threatened many people and they turned my honest search into being judged regarding the condition of my soul. I was accused of being rebellious or having a hardened heart. These experiences were almost as painful as my abuse because I KNEW my heart. I knew that my search was motivated by a sincere desire to know the truth. I also knew that my very life depended on my pursuit of answers to really difficult questions, so I wouldn't back down. I kept asking. Kept seeking. Kept knocking. Eventually, I found a true teacher who wasn't rattled by my spiritual issues and let me thrash without attacking me.

5. Recognize that the measuring stick for a healthy spirit isn't how well you genuflect, how well you can quote Scripture, or how many times you attend worship services. The measuring stick for pure religion is this: ". . . to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (James 1:27, New Testament Bible). Of course, the problem for abuse survivors is that the abusers of the world polluted you! To find you way back - to reclaim your faith and your spiritual quest to live beyond abuse - requires taking the time to extract yourself from that pollution, and recalibrate your heart towards the beautiful, sweet, and gentle love of God.

In my wilderness wanderings - first away from Christianity, then around it, and finally through it - I found that the uniqueness of my journey and my circumstances were met with the equal uniqueness and extremely person nature of God's immovable love for me. In Dr. Gerald May's book, The Dark Night of the Soul, he makes the statement that it is impossible for God to be any closer to you than he already is. That statement may feel just about as far from your reality as it could possibly be, until you really stop and think about it. Dr. May continues by saying that the challenge is for us to become aware of that fact.

Abuse can obstruct your journey to become spiritually whole, particularly if your abusers were associated with religious practices. Aggressively redirect your relationship with religious practices so that you seize ownership of those practices as your own. On the outside, it may look the same, but on the inside - where truth matters the most - your pursuit of God is YOURS. It is between you and God. You may need to strategically work through the difference between the culture of religion and how you relate to it, and all of these things take time.

It's ironic that I became a Christian, that I started a ministry, and that I am often immersed in the culture of religion - many times the religion of my abusers. The way that came about was that I carefully deconstructed that toxic, perverted, deceptive religion of my abusers, rejected that as an abomination to me and to God, and then reclaimed Christ as my own. Reclaimed faith as mine and how I practice that as mine. Not theirs. Mine. That's your task. Reclaim faith as your own. Reclaim how you practice as yours. Not theirs. Yours!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Just a Reminder

2010-08-03T03:30:00.001-07:00

He lives in me. He lives in you. He watches over everything you do. Into the water. Into the truth. In your reflection . . . He lives in you.
-Rafiki and her Choir, Lion King

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Meditation as Healing Tool

2010-07-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

Meditation is a word that conjures up many ideas. For some it invokes irrational fear. For others it is the key to peace and well-being. For others it is jumbled up with confusion and ambivalence. For abuse survivors, it is an important key to striking a balance between the gut-wrenching process of recovery and the need for peace and deep connection with God during that process.

Many people who come from a conservative religious background may feel great concern over the practice of meditation. Perhaps this is a deep worry of yours, and yet you long to find a quiet place for your mind, heart, and body. Sometimes this apprehension comes from associating meditation with other religions. If this is your concern, then you might feel that practicing meditation will compromise your religious beliefs and values.

Other people may find the practice of meditation terrifying for quite another reason: they do not want to get to the core of their being for fear having to confront who and what they will find. If this is your fear, then you might believe that the journey inward will be your undoing because a dark, threatening shadow awaits you. Waits to devour you and finish you off.

Many others are on a constant pendulum swing between fear of deception (or equating meditation with a form of idolatry) and fear of uncorking a monstrous, unrestrained inner self who waits as if lurking behind a door or around a corner to attack. But let me state what I've stated many times before: abuse recovery is about finding balance. Balance between honoring your values and proactively cultivating peace and serenity. Balance between respecting your fears or concerns and exploring why they exist in the first place.

Meditation is simply the act of quieting your mind, spirit, and body, and then focusing. Who or what you focus on is up to you. Some people sit in a particular way and recite prayers and phrases that are meaningful and empowering. Some people focus on the love of God. Other's focus on the beauty of nature. Some people meditate in a house of worship. Others meditate in their own house. The point of meditation is to proactively discipline your thoughts, your body's rhythm, and your spiritual energy so that you become the master of them, not the other way around. In abuse recovery, this means that you are empowered to take debilitating thoughts (such as false guilt) and sabotaging practices (such as perfectionism or addiction) and master them so that they don't master you. It means that as you reach for One beyond yourself, you push toxic ideas and habits aside like a snow plow pushes snow, so that the road becomes clear and the journey is more manageable.

There are many ways to practice meditation that are deeply spiritual, and yet not particularly religious. Again, the focus – especially in abuse recovery - is to invite calm into your life - every aspect of your life. This is not a performance, it is a tool you can use to carve out healing space in your journey.When you find your mind wandering, be kind to yourself and gently redirect back to the focus of your meditation. No pressure!

To get you started, here are a few ideas you may not have considered:

1. Go for a slow walk, breathing deeply, and focusing on what your senses notice - physically and spiritually. If there is a labyrinth in your community or a nature trail, these are ideal for this purpose.
2. Take a camera or a sketch pad to look deeply at and record your environment, exploring images that reflect balance, peace, dignity, and worth.
3. Sit on the veranda of an old hotel or a scenic overlook or at the foot of an ancient tree, soaking in deep, replenishing strength as you deliberately take in God's peace and intentionally exhale toxic thoughts.
4. Read a very small passage of Scripture (no more than a few verses at a time) or other spiritual writings that are meaningful to you. Read these slowly, focusing on each word and how they function as a whole to bring you to a balanced, healthy place where your mind and heart can be renewed and your body can experience transformation.
5. Search through magazines for images and words that reflect the peace you want to cultivate in your life, then clip and glue them to create a collage.
6. Paint or color, letting shapes and shades form as you reflect on peace and well-being.
7. Go for a swim, keeping submerged as much as possible as your body moves with buoyancy and quiet. Other versions of this might be to take a long bath, being careful to notice your thoughts, sensations, and spiritual connection as you make full body contact with water.
8. Build a campfire and get lost in the flames, the sounds, and the fragrance as they accompany your journey inward to peace and balance.
9. Keep a meditation journal as you incorporate these and other meditative practices in your life.

One other note regarding meditation's healing power: this is the time to focus on peace, balance, calm, and serenity. There are plenty of other times when the examination of toxic thinking, false guilt, and self-sabotage are appropriate - but THIS is not one of those times. Meditation is spiritual, emotional, and physical nutrition. It replenishes instead of depletes. It restores, uplifts, calms, and strengthens your bond with Creator and creation.

Volumes have been written about the practice of meditation. Entire organizations and seminars and retreats are dedicated to this practice. This article isn't meant to replace any of those, but to perhaps open your mind and heart to new possibilities. Call God's name in whispers and prayers, colors and rhythms, shapes and sensations. Focus your mind, spirit, and body on the peace that is beyond understanding - the peace that comes through pursuit of all that is sacred, noble, and empowering. Experiment with meditation and determine what works for YOU. There is no formula for your discovery of balance and peace. What works for one person might be incredibly distracting for another. That's part of the joy - listening to the Spirit of God guide you into the presence of holy peace where healthy thinking and balanced living germinates.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just

2010-07-27T03:30:00.000-07:00

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.
- Anne Lamott

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Depression: Ignorance is Not Bliss!

2010-07-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you up front that this article is a knee jerk reaction to a sermon that a friend of mine heard preached in church this past weekend. In that sermon, the statement was made that "depression is a choice." This is an ignorant statement! It is a statement based on uninformed ignorance at best - and smug judgmentalism at worst. I've never, ever been with a depressed person who wanted to be depressed. NEVER! Depression is miserable and it is a common experience for abuse survivors. So let's de-construct this uninformed statement, because ignorance is NOT bliss - particularly when working to become healthier on your journey beyond abuse.

Depression involves a vital body organ - your brain. Your brain is as much a body organ as your heart or liver or lungs. Heart attacks aren't a choice. Liver failure isn't a choice. Asthma isn't a choice (Note: being a victim of abuse isn’t a choice either for those who might argue my point here). Depression means that your brain function is impacted by stress or chemical imbalance or poor nutrition or brain cells misfiring.

Sadness and grief are valid and important emotions to fully experience and process if they are not going to turn toxic. You can deny it or suppress it and call it faith, but the truth is, people must embrace both positive and painful emotions if they are to live in a healthy and balanced way. Please read this carefully: denial and faith are two completely different things. Faith looks heartache and loss right in the eye. Denial pretends there is no heartache or loss.

I can't tell you how many funerals I've been to where grieving partners, family, and friends are shamed - sometimes publicly - for displaying grief. It's barbaric and couldn't be further from the heart of God. Remember that Jesus wept at his friend Lazarus' tomb. People of faith have a keen understanding that there is something beyond what we know and see. The Scriptures teach that death has no sting, but that's for the one who has died. For those who remain, it's a very painful experience. The Scriptures also report that we don't grieve like people who have no hope - but it doesn't say we don't grieve.

All that to say, that if sadness, disappointment, pain, and grief are not acknowledged and experienced, then they turn toxic in you very quickly. Literally toxic. Not just spiritually toxic or emotionally toxic. Physically toxic and those toxins change brain function and body function - which can lead to depression. These toxins cause a literal chemical change that disrupts the delicate and perfect balance needed to be healthy and happy.

When abuse occurs, it often takes place in an unsafe setting. The environment isn't safe. Relationships aren't safe either because of overt abuse, neglect, or life circumstances - such as a missing parent due to addiction, war, or partner separation. That means that the victim doesn't have the luxury of getting help for the trauma they experienced. They hold terrifying secrets, experience high levels of terror, risk abandonment or neglect, and often live with untended physical damage. The loss that an abuse victim experiences is profound - particularly when abuse is chronic and ongoing.

These circumstances create the perfect storm for depression. Abuse experiences cannot be processed in many cases, which means that the toxins go under-cover. They eventually work their way into how your organs function, including your brain - which attempts to function with a toxic payload that leads to many problems including memory loss, concentration problems, headaches, and yes - depression. That's why anti-depressants are often quite effective in helping a person who struggles with depression. Let me quickly add that it often takes a trial-and-error approach with a physician/psychiatrist to find the right combination of medications to help individuals. This is certainly not a one-size-fits-all process.

Depression is different that the blues. Life circumstances - such as a history of abuse - can certainly play a significant role in how depression develops because trauma impacts how you function. Everyone gets down. Everyone gets sad. Everyone grieves and experiences many losses during their lifetimes. Those aren't choices either. They are people interacting with the highs and lows of living. With the joys and sorrows, dreams and nightmares of being human.

Depression is miserable. It's not a choice. It's a RED FLAG that must be tended to as surely as a heart attack must be cared for. It can impair your quality of life, your relationships, and compromise your health. It can also be deadly.

Is there a spiritual component to depression? Of course! There's a spiritual component to everything because you're a spiritual being. While I'm a believer in hard work, in the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other journey to become healthier - I also know that your beautiful, delicate yet resilient body needs extra care from time to time. If you're feeling loss and sorrow, take the time - quality time - to access God's comfort and love. If you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed - take the time to experience God's fortifying peace.

Every week, I write about small steps in the journey beyond abuse, but abuse recovery must be holistic. Tend to your spirit. Tend to your relationships, your finances, and your talents. Tend to your body and your health. Turn a deaf ear to preachers like the one I referred to. Instead, turn to the welcoming, non-judging, inclusive and unconditional Christ who invites you to come to him if you labor, or are heavy laden, and he will give you peace. He offers to share your burdens with you, not pretend you don't have any. He knows his own strength and knows yours, and explains that a partnership is possible that will sustain you until you can once again flourish. I suppose if there's any choice in all this, it's that you take him up on that offer through prayer, meditation, intentional living, community, and accountability.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

2010-07-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

Noise

2010-07-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

I once read that silence was the first language of God. Of course, the opposite of silence is noise. For an abuse survivor, the greatest noise to contend with is probably the noise inside your own head! Noise is usually a force to contend with - whether it originates on the inside or the outside, whether you're a talker or the quiet type, into harps and Indian flutes or drum solos and screaming electric guitars - noise impacts your journey. Those who are deaf also contend with noise, it's just that the receptacles for that noise come through other senses, but there is still a lot of head traffic.

For some abuse survivors, noise can be something to hide behind. Music is loud, television is always on, iPods are always running. For others, noise is something they constantly produce through unending chatter and relentless talking. Noise, when used to hide, is chaotic. It is meant to deflect the inside noise and to push reality to a more comfortable distance.

For other abuse survivors, noise can be something that brings comfort. The music may still be loud, the television be on 24/7, and the iPod may always be running, but the function of noise is different. It provides a point of reference that orients and anchors. It makes things that go bump in the night less noticeable. It provides companionship and diminishes the isolation that many abuse survivors feel. It serves to better manage the inside noise, as well as push reality to more comfortable distances.

Noise can also give abuse survivors identity. It helps to frame emotions and experiences. Depression. Anxiety. Fury. Joy. Exhilaration. Inspiration. Despair. The noise of music and television and iPods and movies can be powerful validators and normalizers for people who are on this long journey of recovery.

And yet, the admonition to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10 in the Hebrew Bible) can feel challenging for one whose inner noise is relentless, and whose outer noise never stops. Silent meditation is a common part of many spiritual retreats and faith traditions, and yet it can feel quite unsettling. If there is no external noise and the interior noise is being muted, what will you hear? What will you find? Who will you be? What will you know?

The practice of intentional silence is one of the most powerful tools you can use in abuse recovery. This is especially true if you're resistant to that idea! Your resistance is a red flag that needs attention. In my own journey beyond abuse, I noticed a distinct change in my anxiety and agitation when I began practicing intentional silence. I did this in various ways that worked for me. I eliminated morning news from my routine. Then I eliminated evening news. (Don't worry, I still get all the news my mind can take, I just get it through new sources that I read rather than hear or watch.) I walked without headphones and observed sights and sounds I hadn't noticed before. I hiked or drove to scenic overlooks and sat in silence, opening my mind and spirit to God's voice - to peace and love. I paid more attention to others without anticipating my next sentence, holding my thoughts and words until I really heard what the other had to say (which - for me - is like trying to stop the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico!). Even when I had small children and a full time job, I viewed time in the shower as an opportunity to be silent – where the white noise of running water would give me the chance to be still.

These are little things I did, with great intentionality, that began to de-clutter my mind and heart. After extended practice of these small shifts, something changed in the noise. It morphed into sound. Sound that had structure and order to it. Sound that could be managed, used for comfort and validation. Sound that could fortify me. I will write what I've written many times before - abuse recovery is about finding balance. Submerge in silence for a brief time, turn off the noise for a season. You will re-surface with a healthier relationship to sound - both interior and exterior, and a clearer understanding of how to manage it to make you healthier.

Transition is always a fascinating thing. Moving from noise to sound comes through practice - the practice of intentional silence. It reminds me of my grandson’s kindergarten violin concert this past spring. Five and six year olds played violin. For parents and grandparents, family and friends it was beautiful! Extraordinary! Exquisite! For an honest listener, it was pretty much torture. But for THIS grandmother, I heard the New York Philharmonic accompany Itzhak Perlman! That's because I looked beyond the noise and heard the sounds of effort and youth, discipline and potential . . . and it brought peace to my heart and joy to my soul.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom

Beyond Abuse Retreat for Men & Women in NYC

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Online Registration for Men & Women's NYC Retreat!

2010-07-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

2010-07-13T01:39:00.000-07:00

To be human is to keep rattling the bars of the cage of existence hollering, "What's it for?"
- Robert Fulghum

Super Hero Power

2010-07-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker for really bad science fiction. Not the "slasher-demon-possessed-slimy-monsters" kind of sci-fi, but the "this-is-so-bad-it's-great!" kind. You know, the kind where you can see the strings that hold up the "flying saucers" as they whiz past the camera? Classics like "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" or "Attack of the Killer Tomato."

My love of silly sci-fi was gratified recently, when an all-day marathon of the 1980's TV series "Greatest American Hero" aired. I have to tell you, the show's theme song always puts a lump in my throat (Really! Click this link to listen!). The premise of the show is that a UFO gave a red suit with a cape to an average, mild mannered high school teacher, Ralph Hinkley. When he put on the suit, he had super hero powers. But there was one problem: he lost the instructions on how to use it. So he basically had all this super-power, but couldn't quite control it.

It was just one trial-and-error after another. Funny entertainment, but for the character's world, it wasn't funny for him at all. Ralph still managed to take out the bad guys, rescue the endangered, and stop disasters, but he did so with clumsy and often catastrophic movements. He crashed through buildings, flew through the air with the finesse of a bad disco dancer, and missed his mark on more than one occasion. He often felt like a failure.

Abuse survivors and Ralph Hinkley have a great deal in common. The fact that you've made it this far is a testimony to your strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and spirit! You have courage and power - power gifted to you by the Spirit of God. The challenge, for you, is to learn what that means and how to use it on your journey beyond abuse. Particularly in the early stages of recovery, you may feel as if you're crashing more than landing on your feet or hurling through the air like a dodo bird rather than soaring like an eagle. You may often feel like a failure. That’s normal AND discouraging!

So here you are, with your super hero powers that have been given to you - YES, YOU!! - and yet, you feel out-of-control. Well, you are. Take a breath. That's normal. It takes a great deal of courage to put on that super hero suit and to take a risk - to take a chance that your life can be re-crafted. Re-formed. Restored. The courage of Ralph Hinkley was not that he had a super hero suit. It was that he took the gift he received and - despite the fact that he had no idea how to use it - he still put it on and jumped into the air. Without his actions, the suit remained in a box, dormant and useless.

The beauty of recovery - of working to reclaim your life and move beyond abuse - is that your trial-and-error process will yield amazing results. You will begin to recognize the triggers that usually send you into a tailspin and know how to recalibrate. Your vision and perception will eventually see through faulty thinking. You will challenge the way things have always been and approach old issues in new, more effective ways. Your fear will subside as you are enveloped with the strength and comfort of God's love. You will soar in such a way that even eagles will marvel at your technique.

To do otherwise is to keep what you have been given in a box, unused. Worse yet, to take that gift out of the box, experience what is possible, and yet choose to take it off and return it to the box would be an true atrocity. Our family experienced the tragic consequences of that choice almost two years ago this month. Dave, my son-in-law committed suicide. His permanent solution to a temporary issue destroyed not only himself, but many others who loved him. A few days after his memorial service, my four-year-old grandson and I were having a conversation under the stars about Dave. My grandson said, "Grannie, Dave was a super hero. He just forgot to use his super powers one day."

Those profound words instantly crystallized what abuse recovery really is: a struggle to remember to use your super powers. A life-and-death, moment-by-moment decision to keep that super hero suit ON and be okay with the fact that you're still figuring out how to use it. Some days you'll fly better than others. Some days you'll land on your feet and other days you'll tumble. Some days you'll miss the side of the building, and other days you'll smack right into it. But the point -THE POINT - is that you keep the suit on and you practice using your super powers! To do otherwise is an unnecessary tragedy.

I'll close with the words to The Greatest American Hero (by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, sung by Joey Scarbury) and hope you sing this at the top of your lungs today: "Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air, I never thought I could be so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!"

Fly, my friend! Fly!! After all, you’re a SUPER HERO!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom
For more resources, go to our website

Just

2010-07-06T03:30:00.000-07:00

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
-Jesus
Luke 6:31

Abuse Recovery Tip

2010-07-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

Breathe deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat.

Unscheduled Delays

2010-07-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

The question - and I mean THE question - everyone asks at some point in their abuse recovery is, "When will I be normal?" "When will I be free . . . when will I be okay . . . out of pain?" These, I believe, are the wrong questions. The more appropriate question might be, "How can I become healthier?"

Abuse recovery is quite often referred to as a journey. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. It occurs in the context of work and school, relationships and hobbies, wake and sleep. It also occurs in conjunction with the process of aging and being. From the day you're born until the day you die - you're a work in progress. The energy and immaturity of young adulthood guides its gut-wrenching peaks and valleys under any circumstances. The weakened, slower body of senior adulthood presents an altogether different set of challenges and rewards. Also included in these passages - for survivors - is the recovery process.

Recovery is not on a timetable. There are no published schedules that tell you when you will arrive, or even where you will arrive. Recovery is not commanded, it is explored. It is a struggle with tiny successes, profound losses, and occasional, monumental victories. No matter how self-aware, self-controlled, or self-motivated you may be, recovery unfolds in its own time, in its own way.

As I write this article, I am on a plane. A plane that's almost an hour late from its scheduled departure time. This, of course, will mean that I miss my connecting flight, which in turn means I will not get home until very late tonight or maybe even tomorrow. I'm exhausted, hungry, and a bit annoyed. That's the way it goes with abuse recovery, too. No matter how tight your recovery schedule may be, no matter how hard you work or how many books you read or how many hours you spend in therapy, you're going to experience unscheduled delays. They will feel like set-backs, but they're not.

Recovery's work is to slowly reveal how you can live in a healthier way - physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and relationally. It occurs in the context of living life - which is an unpredictably wild ride. My flight was delayed due to mechanical problems. As annoying as it was to sit on the runway for an hour while the technicians fixed the problem, I kept reminding myself that if they didn't fix it, we would never arrive.

In your recovery process, expect those same kinds of moments. Moments when everything comes to a screeching halt while adjustments and repairs must happen if you are to continue on. It's frustrating, inconvenient, and – by the way – absolutely necessary. It can be looked at as REAL progress. Without these kinds of delays, what truly needs attention will be ignored, and that's no way to become healthier.

Your destination is to become healthier. The time-table for this is unknown, but the great mystery is that you will know you've arrived when you get there. In the meantime- keep your seatbelt buckled and your book opened. It may be awhile and it may go - not according to your plan - but according to a larger schedule. The schedule for you to become truly healthy. Truly free.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
for more resources, go to http://www.committedtofreedom.org

Just a Reminder

2010-06-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
-Sally Field

Third Party Perception

2010-06-24T03:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a young adult, I worked in a large corporate office as a receptionist. I answered phones, took messages, and put people on hold. Now for those of you who don't know me, I'm a pasty white woman. I'm so pale and my skin is so transparent that my blue veins can easily be seen. I'm not a big fan of the sun, so I maintain this hue most of the time. Always have - unless I am sunburned to a crispy, lobster red! That's kind of my spectrum - either pasty white or lobster red. Anyway, one day at this corporate office, I answered the phone. It was a girl from another department calling for my supervisor. It was summertime, which meant I came to work in sandals. As I motioned to my supervisor that she had a call, I overheard this girl discussing how ugly my legs were because they were so blindingly white. It was an odd experience to be a third party and listen to someone talk about me when they thought I wasn't listening. Sure enough, I looked down at my legs and almost needed sunglasses to deflect the glare. She was right and it was humorous.

Have you ever been part of a conversation where concern for a friend or loved one was being discussed? I'm not talking about gossip, here. I'm talking about people discussing real concerns and observations about one they care for. The words are not guarded. The concerns and cautions are not filtered. There is an honesty in what is seen and observed. "She's self-destructive" or "He's on dangerous ground" might be heard in these kinds of conversations. Often these kinds of observations have fallen on deaf ears by the one being discussed. Either that or the ones who see these things are too intimidated or tired or cowardly to be so blunt.

I've often wondered what would happen if the person being discussed could be a third party, just listening to the feelings, fears, and worries of people who care about what is going on. Would they be able to hear the truth? Would they recognize the hearts and wisdom of those who are speaking? Would they finally be able to accurately see themselves in the mirrors of honesty?

These are questions we all need to ask about ourselves. The fact is, many abuse survivors are so defensive or so combative that people won't risk the conflict of being honest. They realize that their concerns will be met with hostile rejection and nothing constructive will come of it. Other abuse survivors are so passive or inebriated or busy, that the concerns of others will be met with shrug or a snub. They either actively or passively push back at the thoughts, observations, and opinions of others or quite literally block any clear view of themselves in the mirror of honesty.

It is important to cultivate honest feedback from people with wisdom and awareness. This is not to say that you roll over and play dead or that you blindly follow with unquestioning obedience. That's not what I mean. I mean giving yourself and others permission to be honest. To take a deep, exposing breath, and hear not only WHAT people are cautioning you about, but also understand WHY they have concerns.

A teachable character - a teachable and open spirit - is a significant factor in abuse recovery. You'll never become healthy if you can't listen to uncomfortable truth. You'll never mature if people tip-toe around you when they want to discuss difficult issues or point out areas of concern. In other words, if you were hidden in a room where your loved ones were discussing you, what do you think you'd hear? What do you think they'd say about your choices, your lifestyle, and your direction? What do you think they would discuss? What would their concerns be? What would they say about your willingness to hear such things?

It is important to step outside of yourself from time to time (not in a dissociative way) and hear what you need hear as if you are a third party to the conversation. This third party perception will help you to more accurately chart the healthy way forward. It will help you to see with greater clarity and then take action based on honest truth rather than eggshell-thin facades.

It's not always pleasant. It's certainly not easy. It IS, however, vital to your maturity and journey to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth
http://www.committedtofreedom.org

Just a Reminder

2010-06-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.

-Timothy Keller
The Prodigal God

Abuse Recovery Tip

2010-06-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

On day's like Father's Day, determine to become the person you always hoped others would have been for you.

Weak Levee of Denial

2010-06-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard the saying: "Denial - it's not a river in Egypt." That's true. But if it were, it would eventually flood and move past its banks causing a great deal of damage or loss. It will put so much pressure on poorly built levees that they will eventually crumble, leaving a trail of destruction that can cause as much - or more - harm than the actual swollen waterway. Denial is deadly. It solves nothing and often exacerbates already difficult issues or circumstances because they go unchecked, untended, or unresolved.

It's easy to understand why denial is the "drug of choice" for abuse survivors. Abuse is ugly. It is often filled with shame, secrets, terror, danger, and pain. If you remain in denial, then you don't have to deal with a shattered family, broken relationships, or the difficult questions about why people didn't protect you or how they could do these things to you. The problem is that even though you don't acknowledge the problem, the problem is still there - festering, bulging, and pushing through your weak levee of denial.

At the time of your abuse and all the trauma associated with it - denial may have served as a buffer between your ability to function and the complicated trauma of abuse. The problem with denial of HOW these experiences impacted you THEN - and impact you NOW - is the pressure-building that goes unchecked. All of the energy that could be used draining that pressure is instead used to metaphorically hang paper murals that are painted to look like a solid steel and concrete dam. It’s a façade.

One of the great challenges in breaking through denial is the confusion between acknowledging reality and telling the world.

Acknowledging reality can be as quiet and simple as writing in a journal without self-editing or self-restraint.
Telling the world, on the other hand - can create a firestorm for which you may or may not be prepared.
Acknowledging reality may require you to take a good hard look in the mirror, rolling up your sleeves, and getting to work to reclaim your life.
Telling the world, on the other hand can create a sense of exposure that may not be constructive or good for you.
Acknowledging reality may involve seeking the help of trusted, wise, and competent counsel.
Telling the world, on the other hand, can give the wrong impression that everyone is invited to give their input and direction.

Denial will take an enormous toll on your health - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It will cause pressure to build, but because you're in denial - all of that toxic energy will probably be spent destroying the people who really do love you, living beneath your potential, perfecting your bark without sharpening your bite, and living in complete captivity rather than in complete freedom.

Rather than contributing to the pressure that will eventually burst the levee of denial, how much better would it be to gradually drain off this pressure in a controlled and responsible way? This is done by acknowledging truth – what you know. The first one who needs to acknowledge your truth is YOU, but you aren't the only one who needs to know. Abuse recovery is rarely accomplished by yourself. Denial is rarely dismembered alone. You will need support, wisdom, and guidance from other sources. God. A trusted friend. A skilled therapist. A good book. Any of these will be important structural components to manage the weight behind whatever truths you've been trying to deny.

Denial is an inadequate attempt to contain the difficult issues from abuse. We saw the results of inadequate levees after Hurricane Katrina. The strongest levee you can build to find personal empowerment, spiritual freedom, and the path to move beyond abuse involves truth, not denial.

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

2010-06-16T03:24:00.000-07:00

Take a ten minute walk or ride. For each of those minutes, intentionally look, listen, touch, or smell one new thing that brings you joy - such as the sight of an elderly couple holding hands, the sound of a passing train, the refreshment of cool water on your hands, or the smell of a fragrant flower.

Just a Reminder

2010-06-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

The possibilities are numerous when we decide to act and not react.
-George Bernard Shaw

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

2010-06-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

Start an emotions log. Note when you have intense or disruptive emotions. Note where you are, who you're with, what you are doing, what you were thinking, how you acted on or wanted to act on those emotions.

Healing Levity

2010-06-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

I want to start out by saying that there is absolutely NOTHING funny about abuse. NOTHING! The damage is extensive and long term. The scars are massive. The pain is unimaginable.

That being said, there is a place for humor and levity in the abuse recovery process. If you put yourself in the shoes (or more accurately sandals) of Christ, you see his sense of humor revealed again and again. Think about Mary and Martha. I can see him grinning to himself. Think about the multitude of times when he shook his head and pretty much asked his disciples how much longer he had to put up with them. The people he surrounded himself with, the environment he taught in, and the stories he told are filled with real-life joy and humor.

It's important to point out that humor and levity are not the same as cynical and snarky. Rather, they are lenses through which you recognize the truly funny moments in life. And there are - after all - some very funny moments in life – everyone’s life, including yours.

Many abuse survivors are notorious for being pessimists. For believing that not only is the glass half empty, but it's probably got a crack in it somewhere and will be bone dry in an hour. On the other side of that continuum, abuse survivors are also notorious for hiding behind humor as a way to never deal with the deep throbbing places in their souls torn by abuse and dysfunction.

And yes - for those of you who have been reading my articles for awhile - this, too, is all about balance. It's about living somewhere between Eeyore and Tigger (Winnie the Pooh Reference written by A.A. Milne in 1926). It's about recognizing the obvious - that yes, there is some really bad stuff going on, but being determined to find joy. To find silly, ridiculous hilarity. To intentionally look for laughter. To recognize that if you dwell on nothing but the wretched horrors that saturate television and the internet and the newspapers, all of your energy you might have to spend on living in a healthy way will be depleted - consumed by tunnel vision for the awful, rather than the panorama which unfolds when all of life is included.

Humor doesn't come at the expense of others. It doesn't come through denial or minimization. It comes through intentional sight. Intentional listening. Intentional touch. It's a search for the ironic and celebrating what you discover. Nowhere is this more important than with yourself. To take yourself a bit less serious - not in a self-deprecating way, not to belittle or devalue - but to just lighten up a bit. To laugh at your quirks and not feel threatened when others laugh at them, too. To embrace your wonderful, unique, flaws and decorate them with glow-in-the-dark paint (figuratively speaking . . . or maybe not).

There is a Scripture in the Hebrew Bible that states: "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." (Proverbs 17:22). Becoming healthier involves cultivating a balanced relationship with the difficulties of living in a flawed world and the hilarity of living in a flawed world. It is, indeed, good medicine and good for you. Children and animals are good places to begin noticing this good medicine. Expand outward from there.

Collateral Damage

2010-06-03T03:30:00.000-07:00

Collateral damage is damage that is incidental to the intended outcome.

To point to your abuse and pin all the issues and damage you face on that one factor would be simplistic - at least for most abuse survivors. Abuse occurs in a context, and sometimes that "context" can be just as damaging as the abuse.

For example, I know a man who grew up in a pastor's home. His father was very harsh, demanding, unforgiving of any mistakes, and emotionally unavailable. His mother was terrified to express any opinions or to cross her husband in any way. This man was sexually abused by one of the church deacons who showed him kindness, tenderness, and acceptance. It took him years to recognize that the scars of sexual abuse - as bad as they were - were overshadowed by the brutal environment of his home life.

Perspective is so important when addressing the damage of abuse and trauma. You have to be a bit of a detective - identifying what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and the context in which it happened. In warfare, when there are unintended casualties or destruction, it is called collateral damage. That means whatever the actual target, much more damage actually occurs. A bomb targeting a house that takes out not only that house, but the neighbor's house and cars on the street - that's collateral damage.

Abuse of any kind targets a vulnerable person for exploitation and mishandling. The abuser misuses the power differential between him/herself and the victim. That is one aspect of the damage that seems quite obvious. The other aspects that can cause considerable damage include the environment or relationship dynamics that made it possible for the victim to be victimized in the first place. In the case of my friend, his parents created such a neglected and needy boy, that the predator had easy access to him and took full advantage of his horrific home life. The abuser caused some of the damage, but there was also significant "collateral damage" done to him due to neglect and other forms of abuse.

In many ways, overt abuse is sometimes easier to overcome than damage that is much more difficult to identify. This can often lead to minimization of the actual abuse - particularly sexual abuse - because it might implicate others you dare not think of as contributors. It might also lead to magnification of the actual abuse that may actually be larger than it really was. For my friend, it was easy to villinize his sexual abuser. The sexual abuse became THE focal point of all his rage, all his addictions, all his problems. Yes, the sexual abuse was PART of that damage, but not ALL. In fact, you could say that the sexual abuse was really the collateral damage of his parents' neglect and harsh treatment.

Sometimes, survivors want simple explanations for what happened to them and why it did so much harm. THIS was right. THAT was wrong. SHE was bad. HE was good. That would be nice - it would make recovery so much easier - but it's rarely that clear. Seeing the context will help you to more fully understand the collateral damage you struggle to overcome. Taking the time to be an investigator of your life story will put things into perspective. This will - in turn - help you to focus on the real issues.

You may struggle to acknowledge that your grandmother's passivity left you unprotected from your grandfather's advances. You may protect your drug addicted brother, whom you love and feel sorry for - but who also brought unsafe people into your home that abused you. You may focus all of your rage on that ONE incident that happened when you were eight, and completely ignore the years of verbal abuse, abandonment, and neglect. Each strand of your story is one worthy of being addressed - worthy of seeking help for - worthy of the care and attention it needs if you are to move beyond it.

The truth - for many of us - is very disturbing, tragic, and terrifying. However, all of the damage - both direct hits and collateral damage - cause wounds that need tending. As you do so, you will find a new truth has the opportunity to emerge - the truth that you are more than all that was done to you. As you do so, you find that much of the negative, self-destructive energy that has kept you bound to the past - becomes diffused and no longer effective.

Focused Journal Writing

2010-05-27T03:30:00.000-07:00

The Healing Power of Your Poetic Soul, Part 4
Focused Journal Writing

by Kristy Johnson

… if we walk in the light, God himself being the light,
we also experience a shared life with one another…
(1 John 1: 7, The Message)

You may already realize the value of journaling, but in this last part of our four part series on your poetic soul, I want to introduce you to a few variations on how to journal. These variations can be prompts for you to determine how YOU want to proceed. Many people use the practice of journaling to: 1) meditate on scripture, 2) as a devotional to cry out to God, or 3) to keep a list of prayers for others, etc. This, of course, is an important practice in the walk of faith. Journaling can be used, as well, to chronicle and manage the difficult emotions, triggers and pain that you face as a survivor of abuse. And it can ALSO be used to help you reconnect with the JOYS of sensation and reclaim the memories of your past that give you PLEASURE rather than pain. It can help you walk in the light.

I recommend you have 2 or 3 different journals to refer to in your recovery process. If you so choose, they can be: 1) Journal of Faith, 2) Journal for Managing Emotions, 3) Journal of Wonder & Joy. Obviously, it may be too time consuming to use each one daily, but they can be on hand for you to use whenever you feel the need to focus on a certain aspect in your life. Choose journals with covers that reflect the content you’ll be writing about. For example, my Journal for Managing Emotions has a picture of a painting by Evard Munich, The Scream, and my Journal of Wonder & Joy is a larger size (9 ½ by 11) with a marbleized cover in pastel blues and pinks so that I have enough room to write and paste pictures in.

In this final installment on the healing power of your poetic voice, I want to focus on how to create a Journal of Wonder & Joy. Often, one of the by-products of the abuse experience is an inability to feel or trust the natural sensations we experience as adults. Our senses may, at times, feel threatening because they trigger painful emotional memories of the past. As a defense mechanism we deal with this unfortunate fact by numbing ourselves to ALL our senses, even those that are healthy natural sensations.

To help reclaim the joy of sensation do the following:

1) Either go to or imagine a place that you feel most safe in. It could be a beach, a park, a room in your house, a beloved friend or family member’s home, backyard etc. Using all of your senses describe everything about this place. What sounds do you hear? What do you see, be specific? What smells or tastes do you experience?

2) After you have a very detailed description, use the declarative statement of I love… to describe how you feel about this place and why it gives you joy, makes you feel safe etc.

3) To take it a step further, use your descriptions to write a story about a pleasant memory you had in this place. Allow yourself to really feel the sensations in your body as you describe. If in the process you start to feel shameful or dirty for feeling these things, remind yourself that this is a safe place and the sensations you are feeling are connected to something that you know is healthy and nurturing to the person you are today.

In a similar fashion, use the same process to document the pleasant memories of your past. The truth is that past memories are not all painful. All of us have had at least one or more moments in our lives that bring a smile to our faces when we remember them. The problem is the abuse, being all consuming at times, hasn’t allowed you to fully enjoy those wonderful memories. Reclaim your pleasant memories by applying the steps described above. Imagine and describe all you see, hear, smell, taste and feel about these memories. If you’re a visual person, you may want to include a collage of pictures and words from magazines to illustrate the descriptions you’ve written.

Hopefully, such focused journaling of your experiences will empower you to walk in light, to cultivate healing words, and to know you have a voice to express both the ugly and beautiful truths of your journey beyond abuse.

I saw the cumulative power of this practice recently. I was in the process of organizing a small closet that held all of my old journals. It was a very enlightening project. Reading these journals both horrified and empowered me. I was horrified by the voice of the person who wrote those words. I couldn’t relate to her, she was so different from who I am today. I had a hard time believing that my hand wrote the words I was reading.

But, then I realized I am a 40-something woman reading the words of a 20-something girl who had not yet started on her journey of healing beyond abuse. This girl was fumbling around in darkness without any sense of who she was, but she was writing-her-way to understanding, trying to figure it all out by chronicling her daily life, crying out to God and meditating on scripture. What empowers the woman I am today is the fact that I am no longer that lost girl. In my hand was a testimony to who I was then, but in my heart and head was the knowledge that I have grown beyond her.

Some of the questions she had, I found answers too. Some of the guilt and shame she suffered, I am able to deal with because of the tools I’ve been given to do so. She was lost in darkness and I walk in light. A light that often shines on some ugly realities but, because I am able to see them clearly through my journals, I have the perception to handle them truthfully. That’s not to say I always do so, but I cannot deny that the lies and truths I’ve discovered so far in my journey are in full view because of the light they now live in.

This is the power of journaling. This is the healing power of written testimony!

Managing Emotions Through Declarative Statements

2010-05-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

The Healing Power of Your Poetic Soul, Part 3
by Kristy Johnson

Emotions are tricky and often unmanageable for abuse survivors. Because of your experiences, you often have a hard time pinpointing what you ACTUALLY feel at any given moment. You bounce back and forth between extremes of feeling numb or drowning in overwhelming feelings of rage, hatred, loneliness depression, etc. At times it’s difficult to answer the simple question, “How are you feeling today?” Answering the “Why” of certain emotions and figuring out where and what your sensations stem from might seem like you’re trying to penetrate a concrete wall.

This wall of locked up emotions may even be more confusing because of your damaged sense of self. You struggle with low self esteem and frequently live with a broken record, whispering in your head, such lies as: I’m not worthy, I’m stupid, I will never amount to anything because of what happened to me, I’m nobody, I’ll never be ‘normal’, Why express myself, no one is really listening to me anyway, I have nothing of value to add to this life…etc.

It is in those moments when emotions and lies are raging and your broken self feels beyond repair that the concept of the poetic soul, frankly, just ain’t gonna cut it!!! At these chaotic times-- before you can even find the strength to create a calm, meditative space for healing words to flow-- you need a tool, more like a weapon, that will help you break through the concrete wall of your damaged and puzzling emotions.

The following exercise can be such a tool to use during these emotionally intense periods:

In a journal, notebook or computer write a series of ‘I’ declarative statements. ‘I’ declaratives – are statements that begin with the word ‘I’ and are attached to an open-ended phrase that expresses and describes certain thoughts or emotions. For example: I hate…, I regret…, I think…, I wish…, I want…, I’m afraid…, I love…, I want…, etc.

The exercise works like this--

1. Choose the declarative statement you think will help express what you are feeling in the moment. I’ve found the statement I hate… to be very useful when I’m overwhelmed with feelings of rage and anger (the word hate may seem too strong to use if you come from a Christian tradition, if you feel this is the case, may I suggest you read Sallie Culbreth’s founder’s blog article dated April 22, 2010 --http://sallieculbrethcommittedtofreedom.blogspot.com/2010/04/hatred-forbidden-emotion.html before attempting this particular one).

2. If you are writing in a journal or notebook, pick out one that hasn’t been written in and use it for this exercise only. Have colored pens, pencils, crayons or markers to choose from and use a different color to express each declarative statement. For example: red for HATE or ANGRY, pink for LOVE, purple for WISH, blue for REGRET or SORRY, etc. If you choose to use a computer then pick out different fonts to use that you think will visually reflect each declarative statement. Make sure to have the colors or fonts picked out before you begin writing.

3. Leave a space between each statement, in other words each declarative should be on one line, then double space and write another, etc.

4. Keep in mind before you start-- this exercise is meant to break THROUGH your concrete wall, so each statement should fire out of you like machine gun bullets. There is no time for reflection or thinking with this one. Do your best to turn off that inner critic lurking inside and write down the first thing that comes out! Don’t go back and re-read what you wrote, don’t erase, correct spelling or do any editing of what has already been written. JUST WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!

For example, here is how I am feeling at this moment:
I hate… that I feel inadequate to write this article.
I hate…that it’s raining outside.
I hate…that I’m afraid I won’t meet the deadline.
I hate…that this doesn’t’ read as brilliantly as I want it to.
I hate…my inner critic.

5. You will find, after the first attempt, that other ‘I’ declarative statements will feed off those that came before, so that you’ll want to introduce the new statements (remember to use the corresponding color marker or font for each new statement). This will help with pulling apart the confusing mix of feelings that seemed impossible to declare before the exercise.

Here is another example I did in my own healing process:
I’m afraid…of being me.
I love…being me.
I want…to stay being me.
I want…more than this.
I’m afraid…that after reading what I have so far and taking a nap there is this compulsion to erase it all
I’m afraid…of this ugliness towards my [insert specific person you’re dealing with]
I hate…the time I’ve wasted not dealing with this [insert appropriate explicative, if necessary]
I’m sorry…for having written this and even starting this stupid exercise at all.

6. To start with you may want to give yourself a timeframe, say 15-20 minutes. But, if at the end of the timeframe you still feel like the thoughts and feelings you’re expressing are firing out at full blast then, well, let ‘er rip!!! Remember, this is a tool for you alone, you will not be graded or even have to show anyone what you wrote. The process and rhythm of the exercise is up to you and there is no pressure to do it.

What you find out, as a result of this exercise, may not be pretty, in fact, it may bring out some very ugly, scary and devastating truths that are hard to face. But, what you will have is a map of statements that will help lead you to the truth of the what, why and how of your emotional landscape. Hopefully, this tool will be a significant ally to empower you to bravely and honestly manage your difficult emotions and declare to yourself, and possibly to others, who you truly are today as a survivor journeying beyond your abuse.

The Healing Power of Your Poetic Soul, Part 2*

2010-05-13T03:30:00.000-07:00

Bearing Testimony Through Practical Writing Exercises
by Kristy Johnson
www.committedtofreedom.org

Cultivating a poetic soul and giving voice to the journey beyond abuse through reflective writing may sound like a "high falootin" concept for many of us. There may be plenty of excuses we can come up with to avoid even trying to write about the guideposts or road blocks on this path such as: I'm not a writer, I hate poetry, I'm afraid of addressing my specific issues on paper, I have no time for this or I'm more of a visual person-I like painting, collaging, taking pictures, scrapbooking etc.

I'm not here to teach you how to be a poet, or a writer, necessarily. The following writing exercises can simply be another tool to attempt, to help you confront, celebrate, bear testimony to, and figure out some of the emotions, triggers or behavior patterns that you continue to deal with on your journey. In other words, take it or leave it but give it a try. You may find a new way of looking at the struggles you face and gain a fresh sense of strength to tackle problems that seemed too overwhelming to handle.

I have found, whether it reads well or not, that simply writing out how I feel about a particular trigger, emotion, person or problem on a piece of paper--that I can hold in my hand--makes it feel more manageable. When these things live inside us they can often feel like the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz, filled with smoke and mirrors looming large and roaring, but by putting them down on paper we are able to reduce them to what they really are----the deceptive lies that have felt like truth, the little man behind the curtain.

Here are a couple of exercises for you to try:

1. Write a "Dear John" letter to an emotion that you struggle with such as: bitterness, rage, depression, fear, self-loathing or shame and treat them as if they are a person you are breaking up with, for example:

Dear Fear: You have been a constant companion, I could always count on you being by my side "protecting" me from any new opportunity, relationship or possible hurt that came my way. I know you thought you saved me from many disasters, but actually you kept me from really living. Fortunately, I've found someone else who is perfect. I can't introduce you because they actually are not able to exist in the same room with you--their name is Love. Good Riddance, [your name]

In doing this it helps to let yourself be very specific about how a certain emotion has affected your life. Find a way to be humorous and down-to-earth in how you address it. List both what may have felt "good" about your experience with it and how it may have harmed your life. Hopefully, this type of exercise will give you a new point of view on how toxic certain emotions have been in your life and allow you to tackle them with a fresh sense of empowerment, so that you start the process of "breaking up" with them.

2. Write an Ode about a trigger, emotion, piece of art, photo, useful tool, or memento that has been meaningful on your journey. An Ode is a poetic form that is simply in praise of, or dedicated to someone or something which captures a person's interest and serves as inspiration. Most of the time it is used to celebrate something but for our purposes it can be used to call out both the positive and negative qualities of what you're writing about. Here's one of my own examples, written on a particular trigger I've struggled with:

Ode to a Spider I flinch when I see you in any form. You make my heart pound, breath stop, palms sweat. Even silly cartoon versions of you give me fright. Dear Charlette in her web causes me to run for cover. Before, I remembered, I let you crawl on my arm, I marveled at your handiwork as you spun beautiful tapestries that glistened in the sun. Then, as a grown-up, I remembered why you're scary. You remind me of hands, creeping in places they don't belong. And you were there, a witness, hanging above my head by a thread. But, the truth is, when I see you it doesn't have to be a reminder of what happened. Could it be that you were weaving your way down to help me? But, being too small all you could do was be a witness. I am learning to appreciate you again. How you leave your mark, how you are able to transform dark, secret places into memorials to what was but that can be brushed away with a strong healing hand.

As you can see from this example, you don't have to know how to rhyme or even use "fancy" wording. Simply take the thing you want to write about and examine it by answering the five basic questions of a journalist-who, what, where, why and how-add to this descriptions using the five senses of sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. In other words; who is this (who gave it to you), what is it (what happened to cause its influence on you), where did you get it, why is it significant, how can you see it in a different light. Then describe what it looks, sounds, feels, tastes or smells like. Remember, I'm not asking you to write a poem, although it may look like the form of a poem, this is just an exercise.

Hopefully, both exercises will help you take time to really look at the stumbling blocks you struggle with on the journey. I have found such exercises very useful, especially in helping me to find a new perspective about something that seemed a never-ending battle. Though I mostly concentrated on writing about the negative emotions and triggers we face; these exercises can also be used to show gratitude for something that has brought great healing in your life.

Kristy Johnson, MFA, is a poet who lives in New York City - Brooklyn. She works with Committed to Freedom as a retreat facilitator, editor, and creative consultant.

*This is the second in a series of articles to help you learn writing skills to unleash your poetic voice. There will be two more articles to follow in the coming weeks:

* Managing Emotions Through Declarative Statements
* How To Use Words As A Healing Part Of Your Journey - Focused Journal Writing

The Healing Power of Your Poetic Soul, Part 1

2010-05-06T03:30:00.000-07:00

This is the first of a four part series on creative writing and its healing power in your abuse recovery. It is written by New York poet Kristy Johnson, MFA.

No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see. - Taoist Proverb

Recently, I was on a plane flying from New York city in route to Little Rock, AR. I was on my way to the Committed to Freedom Reconnect Alumni Conference where, besides being a participant, I was going to a workshop on using poetry as a tool to “find your voice”. I find that plane rides can be perfect places to contemplate the poetic in life. Note this typical scene:

There is a bustle of activity in boarding, some passengers are looking for their seats, while others are finding space to store carry-ons, as flight attendants are making announcements over the loud speaker. The sound of clicks from seatbelts being fastened, the murmur of introductions or last minute phone conversations, babies and toddlers crying or cooing, books and laptops being shoved in the backseat pockets, all fill the crowded space.

After everyone is seated and belted into place, passengers are asked to be seated for take off. There is no movement, no phone or computer use allowed, everyone is asked to wait until “The Capitan has turned off the seatbelt sign, then you are free to move about the cabin.” All on flight, including the flight attendants, are at rest, forced to focus, either on the feeling of rising into the air or simply on the lighted seatbelt sign. At that time,the cabin is almost motionless-- a collective moment of forced peace.

Then, at 10,000 feet, there is a ding that sounds, the seat belt light goes off and the flight attendants announce “you are free to move about the cabin.” Suddenly, the flurry begins again, as some make their way to the rest room, open the overhead compartments to get their laptops, books, knitting, etc. and the murmur of conversation begins again.

It is in that “collective moment of forced peace” where poetry lives and is. Poetry lives in the in between points of our lives. It is between the habitual and stress-filled activity of our daily living; between regret, fear and the loss of the past and the anxious possibility of the future. The poetic moments in life are often in the present, they have no past or future - they simply are, right now, in focus and at rest for us to meditate upon.

Those of us raised in the Christian tradition understand this concept. We are told in the scriptures to, “Be still and know that I am God.” It is a call to stop the motion of our active lives and really give attention to understanding and connecting with God. Some Eastern philosophies follow a practice of what they call “calm abiding.” This is defined as, “the one-pointed abiding on any object without distraction of a mind conjoined with a bliss of physical and mental pliancy.” It is an invitation to find peace, insight, stability and wisdom through concentrated focus and perspective on what is true. For us, as survivors, it is a call to transform the lies that feel like truth into the truth that has felt like a lie.
But, walking a focused existence can feel virtually impossible to us, as abuse survivors. Ironically, we understand a negative form of focusing on an event, object or emotion. Because of what has happened to us we often cannot STOP focusing on the terror of our abuse or the emotions, physical ailments, negative self talk, etc. that have resulted from it. Fighting our triggers and emotional allergies is a constant battle.

Cultivating a poetic soul may actually sound like a threat. We want to get away from the moments, memories and thoughts that keep us from functioning and dealing with the daily bustle that demands our attention. How does this apply to me when my boss is pressuring me to meet a deadline, my back is aching from a long day of standing on my feet, my kids are sick or in trouble at school, I’m worried where my next pay check is coming from, etc.? What does cultivating a poetic soul mean with respect to my everyday life?

Understanding how to live in the present and cultivate moments of stillness and focus even in the midst of our raging days can be a valuable tool. We have the power, as survivors, to stop and RE-focus on the how and why abuse is affecting us right now. Being poetic for us means using the tools we have been given to quiet the fearful, anxious, negative voices and images of past memories and transforming them into manageable healing words, images and strategies that will give us the ability to move on. We can live in the freedom of the present because, no matter how awful life may get, we have the strength to declare that we are no longer at the power and control of someone else. Cultivating a poetic soul involves finding practical ways to live in the wonderful fact that WE ARE STILL HERE and giving voice to who we truly are—beautiful, expressive, valued yet wounded sojourners finding our way to healing step by limping step.

Over the next few weeks I would like to introduce some practical exercises for you to use on your journey. Writing and the use of poetic healing words and word pictures can be another tool for us to draw on to: help find our voice, manage the emotions and lies that creep up daily, and discover the resting place that will give us strength, in between our busy lives.

Why It's the Same Person Over and Over

2010-04-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wonder why your relationships seem to end up the same way again and again? Why is it that the names and faces change - but it's really the same person packaged differently? Why do you draw people to you that always treat you the same way - no matter how good or bad things start out? Why are you drawn to those people?

A lot of it has to do with poor self-image. The vast majority of abuse survivors think poorly of themselves. They think they have no value, that they're disposable, dirty, and deserving of mistreatment. Those are just a few of the lies that feel like truth - pressed deeply into your heart and mind by your abusers and the circumstances that surrounded the abuse. It was during your early developmental years that you discovered relationships are terrifying, and that is a lesson deeply ingrained in your psyche. As you moved from being a child into an adult, you most likely were unable to successfully make the role transition from dependent child to equal adult with your parents or caregivers.

Poor self-image cripples your autonomy and individuality, leaving you to expend a great deal of energy to hide that fact. Even if you exude confidence to the world, there's still a voice screaming inside "I don't belong . . . I can't do better than this . . . I'm damaged goods that have little value." These lies are where poor self-image comes from and it is an active ingredient in how you relate to other people - how you find them and they find you. How you treat them and how they treat you.

Poor self-image creates anxiety and uncertainty about how you see yourself. It is based on what YOU think that OTHERS think of YOU. If you could somehow broadcast the underpinning of your thinking as you walk down the street or sit in a restaurant or ride on the subway it would sound something like this: "He thinks I'm fat and ugly . . . she thinks I'm a threat . . . they think I shouldn't be here . . . if I just adjust this, they'll notice . . . if I say this, they won't like me . . ." and on and on it goes. It's very noisy inside your head as you go about the task of day-to-day living. So your first filter through which you see and are seen is your self-image and what you think others are thinking of you.

When you are in relationships, you have high hopes about what you can expect from them - but you also have great fear. In fact, that fear is so huge that you already expect disappointment and distrust. When you seek out relationships, you seek people that "seem" to fit your high hopes, but you do so with blinders AND with your OWN defensive cover-up in motion. This is because you seek people who will corroborate your fears of disappointment or mistrust - they will eventually confirm what you think about YOURSELF!

After a relationship wears on, the disguises dissolve and you are both left with frustration, disappointment, anger, and the realization that the OTHER is not as strong or kind or wonderful as you had hoped. This is because poor self-image prevents you from being honest in the EARLY stages of a relationship. You cannot and will not risk exposing your beliefs about yourself - your beliefs that you are NOTHING. Another variation on this same disguise is that you believe YOU are the one who can make your partner believe he/she IS something. This eventually drives your relationships into a perpetual guessing game.

With poor self-image, it is difficult to communicate because your ability to negotiate is minimal. At first, because of the insecurity and dishonesty, you develop relationships in which you believe you should be fused together, rather than function as independent individuals. You enter relationships to GET - to find qualities in others that you lack OR find qualities that are actually an extension of yourself and your self-image.

Your relationships quickly dissolve into power struggles - with a winner and a looser, rather than a partnership of individuals who respect each other's strengths and are sensitive to each other's weaknesses. Your relationship may most often be characterized by the "it's me OR you!" mentality - which is extremely dysfunctional and immature. Functional and maturing relationships are most often characterized by the "it's me AND you!" foundation of equal partnership with ample give-and-take as its bedrock.

The poor self-image disguise can cause you to communicate in a covert way. The more covert the communications, the more dysfunctional the relationship is. When unacknowledged, ignored problems are finally exposed, then the myth of happily-ever-after explodes.

At the core of how you draw or are drawn to people is a self-image built around false beliefs, desperately wondering if you are loved or wanted. As long as your facade is firmly in place, your communications will remain covert, you will live your life based on what you think others think about you, and your expectations will be a toxic mixture of unrealistic expectations and paralyzing fear.

Good relationships - functional relationships - are built on YOU loving yourself, first. No one is going to love you enough to make you feel good about yourself. No one is going to give you all that you need to make the past okay. If you think poorly of yourself - because the lies feels like the truth - then the most perfect child, partner, friend or colleague will never be able to convince you that you're wanted. You will place expectations on them that no one can fill and will set out to prove that they can and will fail you.

Your healing journey can expose lies which will be replaced by truth - truth that you have value, that you deserve respect and dignity, and that you can form collaborative, mature partnerships with people. As those truths occupy more and more of your interior thoughts and exterior actions, you will discover you have the ability to embrace functional relationships. You'll not be afraid to have personal boundaries. You'll not be a score keeper. You'll not discard yourself or others. You'll not lose yourself trying to fill a need that no mere mortal can completely fill - and subsequently - you'll be drawn to others who confirm your beliefs and respect you.

Hatred - The Forbidden Emotion

2010-04-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Often times, Christian people use denial as a kind of pseudo-faith. If you pretend it's not there, then you can pretend you've released it to God or that it is no longer an issue for you. Of course, we all know that denial is a cheap substitute for faith. It's a cheap substitute for the enduring impact that is possible when the hard issues are faced head-on. There are many reasons we practice the pseudo-faith of denial. One of the primary reasons is "I shouldn't be . . ." thinking.

"I shouldn't be thinking this . . . I shouldn't be feeling this . . . I shouldn't be wanting this."

Of course, whether you should or shouldn't - if you are, YOU ARE! If you pretend something isn't there, when it is - you're going to spend much more of your energy suppressing that reality than if you actually DEAL with that reality!

That being said, I want to address the emotion of HATE. Yes, yes . . . I know good Christians don't hate, but the truth is, many of us do. I'm going to be very transparent here in hopes that it will help you to honestly evaluate your own feelings. Here's the shocking truth: There are people that I struggle to not hate. Not dislike . . . not irritated by . . . not annoyed with . . . HATE! Here's another shocking truth: There are also experiences and circumstances in my life that I hate. There! I said it out-loud and if truth-be-told, you could probably say the same things.

Hatred - particularly for people of faith - is a forbidden emotion, unless - of course - you're talking about hatred of sin or hatred of evil. Those are acceptable forms of hatred in Christianity (and often used as justification to act hatefully toward those we feel embody sin or evil). I'm not talking about those kinds of hatred that we hold up as "acceptable hatred." I'm talking about down-and-dirty hatred of fellow beings or certain experiences.

Hatred can hit you like a ton of bricks - knocking you over all-at-once. It can also hit you in waves with an ebb and flow of intensity - that knock you over, give you a chance to stand back up, and then knock you over again. Whether the bricks or the waves, hatred has a way of being an energy vampire that drains the very life right out of your soul.

Hatred that is sustained for years is most certainly a poison to every part of you now and in the future. We see that reality played out on the news every day as centuries-old hatreds keep very ancient wounds fresh and raw. I know I'm not telling you anything new when I point out that sustained hatred has a way of escalating until it erupts to destroy you - and not just you - but oftentimes, innocent bystanders, too.

The ebb and flow hatred is a sneaky kind of hatred. You feel it intensely - the ton-of-bricks kind of intensity, and then is fades into the background for awhile. Life goes on and you don't experience it as keenly and then WHAM! Something happens and the quiet "ebb" side of the cycle is replaced by the tidal wave "flow" of the cycle and you're thrown off, once more.

I'm a strong believer in process. Honestly - at least for me - most of my life changes have not come in moments of flash epiphanies, but in the gradual shifts of how I think, how I feel, and how I live. I think the same thing is true with the intense and forbidden emotion of hatred. Bricks or waves - it takes awhile to regain balance when you feel hatred. Hatred is usually complicated. It is mixed in there with injustice, betrayal, violation, trauma, and very real damage - being or having been perpetrated on you or someone/something you love. It takes time to pull these complicated strands apart and examine each one to find a place of balance, of peace, and yes, even forgiveness.

In this process of dealing with hatred, it might be helpful for you to consider these steps:

Acknowledge the hate that you feel - both to yourself and to God
Determine how much these feelings of hatred are causing harm to you or to others
Assess how much energy is being diverted to hate rather than to living above or beyond this person or situation
Consider releasing yourself from the penalty of this harm and damage (this is called forgiveness)
Strategically plan for the next time a wave of hatred knocks you over - so that you won't be caught off-guard or thrown off-course

I'll close with a conversation between me and God that I had recently. I have changed the names and the circumstances (because frankly they're nobody's business!), but hope this gives you a glimpse into how I process hate.

"Dear God, I just want you to know that I hate JSD with every fiber of my being. I'd like to see him suffer and die and rot in hell. Just thought I'd share."

"Hey, Sallie! I just want you to know that I understand your feelings. I've experienced that same kinds of injustice and cruelty that JSD inflicted on you and those you love."

"Dear God! I know you know . . . but I have to tell you that I don't want to NOT feel hate! I WANT to hate. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to be a gentle person of peace. I want to drop a nuclear bomb on JSD."

"Sallie, Again, I know the intensity of your feelings and know why . . . but I'd like to point out that if you hold on to this intensity for long, you'll become just like JSD."

"Dear God, Yes, I know . . . but it just seems so outrageous to FEEL anything but hate for JSD! How am I supposed to feel?"

"Sallie, You're supposed to feel like you feel. The problem isn't that you feel hate, it's that hate will eventually take over and you'll be completely powerless. You are giving ownership of your emotional and spiritual life to JSD and to hatred . . . and I'm pretty sure that's not what you intend to accomplish, right?"

"Dear God, NO! NO! Absolutely NO! I don't want JSD to have any piece of my emotions or spirit!"

"Sallie, Okay . . . so now you know what you don't want . . . which means you can release the parts of this that you have no control over . . . and gain balance and clarity so that you and I can determine what is the best and most productive way forward."

"Dear God, Could we start to work on that, please?"

"Sallie, We are . . ."

Hatred is a terrible task master. It's also a tenacious task master that will require all the honesty, strength, and clarity that your soul can find. It does no good to pretend it isn't there when it is. I also does no good to let it rob you of empowerment and personal peace. Unacknowledged hate will consume you and turn you into a bitter, mean, small creature that may eventually resemble the object of your hatred more than the beauty of your Christ-reflective soul.

Absolutes

2010-04-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

When you see life in terms of absolutes, it's easy to experience your world as being narrow and small. Simple and exclusive. Now don't get me wrong. I think there are many things that are absolute and must be absolutely complied with. Gravity is absolute and if I don't work within the constraints of that absolute, I'll fall off of a building. However, within that absolute is the possibility to harness it, work with it through the laws of physics, and temporarily postpone the "must come down" side of the "what goes up" proverb (What goes up - must come down). We can fly - but only with our machines and our understanding of how to suspend falling - or how to control it.

Abuse survivors are - more often than not - people who thrive on absolutes. Life is black and white. Things are right or wrong. In fact, most of us live as if life is just one giant binary code - yes or no. On or off. Zero or one. It's easier that way. It gives you a sense of having control and staying within range of what is comfortable for you. The problem is that this absolute way of thinking and being can turn you into a rigid person who is incapable of growth and incapable of fully participating in the richness of life.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it is VERY important to know what your personal standards are, to hold firmly to your faith, and to be clear about your values. At the same time, you must develop the ability to hear others, to consider different perspectives, and to respectfully engage in ideas that challenge you. Abuse creates a distortion of ideas and perspectives. It fortifies the damage by pummeling you with false shame, a false sense of responsibility for what happened, and a distorted interpretation of what happened to your body. One thing that keeps wrong thinking firmly intact is rigid absolutes.

You might see people as all bad or all good. You might also think of yourself as either hideous or glorious. Perhaps you smother everyone you know or you push them away. These are the kinds of absolutes that prevent your movement beyond abuse. You interpret the actions of others as being a direct threat or challenge if there's disagreement or difference. You carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders because you're certain no one else can do it. You think everyone is out to get you or that everything is a threat.

Growth takes place when you discover the world is larger than your absolutes. Only when you begin to challenge these absolutes - many of them based on the lies from abuse - will your unclenched fist flower into an open palm, ready to receive the truth of who God made you to be and the freedom to live without being bound by binary thinking. Even if you never waiver from your beliefs or your practices, to live those beliefs out in a world that you understand to be different from you is a huge mark of maturity, particularly for an abuse survivor.

Abuse restricts a survivor’s view of self and others. Growth beyond abuse enlarges that vista so that the color grey is recognized between black and white, the word "maybe" is an option between yes and no, and that right is sometimes wrong, as the apostle Paul observed when he wrote, "Everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive." (1 Corinthians 10:23). Growth beyond abuse is possible with absolutes are replaced with firm convictions, when personal empowerment is dependent on how you think of yourself, not what others think of you, and when you celebrate diversity without compromising your personal integrity.

Resurrection Scars

2010-04-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

The events of Easter weekend commemorate something bloody, disturbing, traumatizing, and terrifying. From the outside looking in, a relatively harmless, obscure man was abandoned by his friends, kissed in a way that brought condemnation and wounding, betrayed by his religion, tortured by society, sold out by those in power, and assassinated by all who were involved. He faced all of this alone, without any kind of emotional or practical support. He was just one of thousands who faced similar fates during that era in history. The waking nightmare was so hellish, that this man even felt abandoned by God, which led him to cry out to a silent sky "My God! My God! Why have your forsaken me?"

No matter how you spin the story, it is cruel and barbaric. And yet, over the next few days, millions of people will revisit it in vivid detail, and in that, they will draw enormous comfort and hope. The reason for this includes the torture and assassination of Christ - that part of the story can't be discounted. But the comfort doesn't come because of the events remembered on Good Friday. The comfort comes from the events remembered on Easter morning.

If you think about it, Christ was Creator embedded in Creation. The creative energy of everything that exists, existed in this star-man. It stands to reason that the exquisite wonder of creativity had no choice but to once again bring life where there was none - to bring order out of chaos - to bring love and peace out of cruel torment - to bring light out of darkness. We call it the Resurrection.

To me, the wonder of Easter - the miracle of the Resurrection - isn't that it happened. I think the greater mystery is that it took three days! That it didn't happen in an instant. That there was a savoring of death before there was the re-creation of life.

If you read my book - No Longer Alone - I spend a great deal of time discussing the affinity that Christ has with abuse survivors, and vice versa. Creator embedded in Creation gave people an intimate glimpse into God's heart - One filled with love, One who values peace and justice, One who makes it abundantly clear that each of us has value, potential, and limitless life. People experienced something new when they encountered Christ. I also believe that God experienced something new when he encountered us.

There's a further insight that I believe Easter weekend can offer to abuse survivors, which I mentioned earlier. After all the horrors of Friday, after the heart-shattering trauma, Christ waited. His resurrection didn't happen immediately. Even knowing the beginning from the end, he remained in the vacuum of trauma and death for awhile - languishing in the dark unknown.

Why? Why didn't the resurrection occur as soon as he was pried off the cross? Why didn't it take place when the stone was rolled in place? And finally, why is it important for you to see this as you approach Easter weekend - as you move through your own dark unknown, searching for life beyond abuse?

You can see your own experiences of abuse in the crucifixion of Christ. Betrayal. Affection being used as a weapon. Abandonment. Torture. Injustice. Isolation. Shame. Exposure. Humiliation. Feeling completely separated from God. Those are some of the more obvious experiences of commonality abuse survivors have with Creator embedded in Creation. But in that space between the trauma and the sunrise on the third day, there was a dark Saturday.

In your abuse recovery, there is the dark Saturday when all you can do is sit - even languish - with all that has been shattered. There is little comfort at this stage of recovery. It follows the "Why have you forsaken me?" terror and the "It is finished" conclusion. But the beauty of Christ - Creator embedded in Creation - is that we have been shown a way to move beyond what was done to us. This is an important thing to meditate on as you wait for that stone to be rolled away - as you wait to re-emerge as a shimmering being, so luminous that you absolutely know you have been given a new life. A life beyond abuse.

One final thing I'd like to point out as you approach Easter weekend. When Christ emerged from that tomb, he emerged with scars. The resurrection didn't eliminate the scars, but the scars no longer kept Christ entombed. Your scars won't either. They are what they are - scars. They are not an indication that you lack faith or that Christ hasn't done a deep work in you. They are scars. You have them, so did Christ. They are monuments of what you've suffered, but they are also monuments to where you are going - beyond the trauma - beyond the dark Saturday - beyond the stone as it rolls away.

This is Easter weekend. Grieve on Friday. Meditate on Saturday. Celebrate on Sunday. You walk on the same path that our Creator embedded in Creation walked - one beyond savage cruelty and toward love, joy, and peace that is beyond understanding. Happy Easter.

Dirty Little Secret

2010-03-25T03:40:00.000-07:00

Abuse is possible when people take advantage of the power differential in their relationships in order to gratify themselves. In sexual abuse - it's sexual gratification. In physical and emotional abuse - it's power and control gratification.

Shame and fear are the lock and key that keep abuse secrets hidden. False blame and false responsibility create the shame and fear. After all, if you believe that something you did or didn't do caused the abuse to happen - then you can hardly justify asking for help. If you got a reward, got special treatment, or felt your first pleasurable sensation during abuse, then you can rationalize the false shame. These are just a few of the strong reasons that those dirty little secrets from your abuse occupy so much of your interior energy. They keep you in the perpetual mindset of victim - fearful, ashamed, and self-protective.

But I want to address another dirty little secret that perpetuates the cycle of abuse to another generation. That's the one that has to do with the way you treat people who depend on you - those who are small, weak, or incapable of fully caring for themselves.

I want to say this clearly. No matter how good your intentions are, no matter what kind of a childhood you had (be it good or bad), there are moments for all caregivers when they absolutely want to annihilate the little darlings that are theirs to care for. A child or vulnerable person's "job" is to push the boundaries in order to discover where they are and how to live within them. A caregiver's job is to create and enforce those boundaries, but to do so with flexibility, fairness, and a good dose of compassion and humor. BUT . . . and it's a big one . . . if we were all to be honest, there are just days when you're sure if you had a machine gune, you'd use it to level the entire neighborhood. The good news is that most of us don't act on that! The bad news is that we want to - or that we partially act on it with our words and actions.

As I said, abuse is possible because abusers misuse their power and control, and in doing so, take away the power and control of their victims. For the victim, that horrid sense of being powerless is almost unbearable. That out-of-control sense sets them up to seek out feelings of empowerment, but this is often done in a very unbalanced or irrational way. It is also done in a very secretive way.

When faced with a less powerful person who challenges you - challenges your authority, your agenda, or your expectations - you can find yourself in a complete, irrational rage. It is important that you recognize WHY this reaction is so intense: it is a trigger that re-attaches you to the horrid sense of being powerless. Your intense reaction could set the stage for YOU to become the aggressor/abuser, if you're not careful.

There is also another variation to this dynamic: that because you feel so helpless to handle the very normal challenges of being a caregiver, you can feel as if you're a helpless victim again. The only problem is that THIS time, you're not the child who was the victim of your abuser, but it may feel as if you're the victim of those who you're caregiver for. This is especially true when they express normal aggression or sexualized behavior. Because you may not have a sense of what is and isn't normal - it all feels very threatening to you, which can cause you to feel like you're being victimized by the ones you are caring for.

While there is much more to these possibilities than I have time to write about here, there is one important aspect to both of these responses. Whether you become the unbalanced, irrational aggressor or the unbalanced, irrational victim of those you care for, both of these responses become one more dirty little secret. Like the dirty little secrets of your own abuse, these are locked in and untended because of your own shame and fear.

The impact this has on your ability to appropriately care for others cannot be overstated. If you feel helpless, out-of-control, shame, and guilt - you're not going to reach out for help. You're not going to let someone who is experienced and wise guide you. You're not going to have access to resources to help you be an appropriate caregiver. You're not going to risk exposure, and in doing so, will cause tremendous damage to those in your care as well as to yourself.

Secrets trigger shame and terror. Wisdom and maturity are not easily threatened and are not afraid to say to others, "I need help! I don't know what I'm doing!" If we keep these kinds of dirty little secrets about our relationships with those we care for, there is a very real possibility that the cycles of dysfunction and even abuse will be perpetuated to the next generation.

Familiarity

2010-03-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago, I was in Tajikistan teaching a seminar. If you don't know where that is, it borders Afghanistan and China - it was part of the former Soviet Union. The culture and language could not have been more different from mine. Of course, that's what I love about traveling - exposure to new and different experiences, traditions, and people. So there I was, the guest speaker - speaking through a Russian translator. As long as that translator was with me, I could function pretty well. But the true test came at my first meal with the group. I was on my own and no one was nearby who spoke English.

All eyes were on me. Everyone chattered and smiled. A large plate of osh - which is rice, chick peas, carrots, and a bit of meat, all fried together - was placed in the center of the table, along with a huge kettle of hot tea. We each had a bowl and a fork. Through grand motions from those around me, I figured out they were waiting on me to take the first bite. Sooooo . . . I took my fork and heaped the osh into my bowl. The minute I did that, the whole room erupted in laughter - which confused me greatly! Then, a kind young teenage girl pointed to her bowl, poured the tea in it, and plunged her fork into the mound of osh and took a bite. The bowl was for the hot tea! The fork was for me - and everyone else at the table with me - to eat from the common plate of osh! I truly felt like an outsider. It was fun for all of us, but still - I was profoundly aware that I had no idea what was being said, what the customs or practices were, and what was expected of me.

When you grow up in a dysfunctional home - especially where there is also abuse - that is your native culture. You know the customs, you know the language, and you know the rules. No mentor or translator is needed. You know what is expected of you and you know what to expect. Unhealthy, destructive, and self-defeating thoughts and patterns don't require any effort or thought. They're a natural outcome of your "normal."

Now, that doesn't mean that your "normal" makes you happy, keeps you healthy, or gives you peace. In fact, it is the intensity of pain, depression, rage, or self-sabotage that can eventually push you out into the unknown territory of healthy, functional people. But let me say this clearly - no matter how much you want to change, grow, and move on - the discomfort you feel because you're in a strange land - with strange language, customs, and expectations - that discomfort will be a force to contend with. This is especially true at first. That's why it's so difficult to move beyond abuse. It is completely foreign to you.

You may feel so alienated from a new, healthy way to live, think, and behave - that you run back to what you know best. Even though you tell yourself and God that you want to change - that you want to live a new way - when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other on this foreign soil - intentions can go right out the door. It can feel like you’re the center of attention in a room full of people who are nothing like you, and scooping osh into your teacup - never knowing it was meant for tea. But like my experience in Tajikistan, I've learned to accept the kindness and guidance of others who know what is appropriate.

Yes, it feels awkward at first. You might even be reluctant to ask for help or to watch the natives or use the few words of their language that you've picked up along the way. After all - if you admit you need that kind of assistance - you may find yourself back in the familiar state of feeling small, vulnerable, and out-of-control. That sensation alone, can be a trigger to send you packing back to the way it's always been. But growth is about risk-taking - GOOD risk-taking! Not the reckless, destructive risks that are part of dysfunction, but the risks to function in a new way that won't harm yourself or others.

Before you know it, you'll grow more at home in this new land. You won't be quite as homesick for sickness as you were at first. You'll learn to appreciate the new language, practices, and expectations of maturity and health. One thing I learned a long time ago about traveling. Find someone who knows the language and customs and stick close until you learn what you need to know. Then, venture out on your own and test those new phrases, those new ideas, and those new customs. It won't be long before you pour the tea in your bowl and dip your fork in that osh plate - and you won't even think twice about it!

The Screaming Other

2010-03-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

I can have a calm exterior and you'd never know . . . just like other people never know about you. They don't hear it, but you do. I call it the "Screaming Other." You take an examination that you've studied and prepared for. The Screaming Other is yelling, "Failure! Looser!" You've lost weight and gotten some new clothes; the Screaming Other is calling you a fat slob. You confidently stand up for yourself, but the Screaming Other is chipping away at your strength. You share hope and faith with someone who struggles like you have, and the Screaming Other is calling you a hypocrite and a phony. You are sober and clean, but the Screaming Other is making so much noise in your head, you wonder if going back to drugs or cutting or risky sex wouldn’t just be easier. You work hard to get an education and professional skills, but when you sit with your peers, the Screaming Other is telling you that you don't really belong there and everyone knows it.

The Screaming Other has one goal: to continue the destructive work of abuse. It makes sure that the lies that felt like the truth when you were small and vulnerable, still push you aside and shred you to ribbons. I say this often, but it bears repeating: abuse causes the lies to feel like the truth, and the truth to feel like a lie.

The lies from abuse are deeply embedded in how you think, feel, and interpret events and people around you. Some of these lies include the belief that you're disposable or unwanted, that you're never going to be good enough, that no matter how hard you work, you'll always be a second-class person.

Over the years, I've had to get pretty aggressive with the Screaming Other. I remember one particular retreat I taught many years ago. I was going through some very tough spiritual growth that left me feeling shaken and unclear about some fundamental issues. That's the way it goes sometimes, even when you lead the charge, you can still find yourself slugging it out with your personal issues. During this retreat, I did what I always do - I shared the love of Christ, pointed the way to hope and peace, and taught with every ounce of strength I could find. Throughout the ENTIRE three days there was the Screaming Other yelling non-stop in my ear, "Liar! Liar! Liar!" And I was mentally and spiritually screaming back, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" It was exhausting, but I worked hard not to lose my focus which would have robbed me and the retreat participants.

A big chunk of the battle with the Screaming Other is to know there IS a Screaming Other. That the Screaming Other is there to reinforce the lies from the past and push you to self-sabotage or do damage to your relationships and your potential. The lies that feel like the truth need to be recognized. This starts with examining the lies. How did abuse make you feel about yourself? About life? About God? About other people? When you go through that process of identifying the lies, then you have awareness. They no longer blend in with your emotional, mental, and spiritual landscape. The stand out like glaring eye-sores and you see them for what they are: lies.

Take that awareness and listen for those same lies coming from the Screaming Other. I think a big secret to abuse recovery is to pay attention to familiar patterns. The Screaming Other isn't coming up with anything new. It's the same-old-same-old. It attempts to push you back into the small, weak, vulnerable, exploited victim role and keep you there.

Get mouthy with it. Tell it to "SHUT UP!!" Laugh at it. Expose it. Confront it. Show your teeth. That Screaming Other is just the cowardly echo of a past abuser and all the damage that coward did to you. Speak the TRUTH to the Screaming Other. Let it know that you're not a victim anymore. That you have value, potential, and hope. That you have chosen to move beyond it and leave those lies behind in a trail of dust.

It isn't easy to shut up the Screaming Other, but I've discovered - in my own journey beyond abuse - that the Screaming Other diminishes in strength and influence as you aggressively counter lies with truth. That's where freedom begins, anyway . . . with truth. TRUTH sets you free - and silences the Screaming Other.

Lent and Abuse Recovery

2010-02-25T04:05:00.000-08:00

Lent is a Christian observance consisting of forty days leading up to Easter, the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. This is a profoundly important season for some people and one of complete irrelevance for others, depending on your spiritual practices and beliefs. The discussion of how Lent is observed is not the focus here. The focus is on how you can incorporate some of the practices associated with Lent into your abuse recovery.

Generally speaking, three things accompany the observance of Lent: sacrifice, prayer, and charity. Here are some suggestions to consider incorporating in your life between now and Easter that have the potential to facilitate greater healing for you. Regardless of your spiritual practices or faith traditions, these suggestions can accompany you on your personal journey to bring comfort and purpose to your recovery process.

Sacrifice
Consider sacrificing your practice of negative and degrading self-talk. What would happen if you abstained from talking to yourself in condemning and demeaning ways for forty days? What would happen if you sacrificed your habits of tearing yourself down, of speaking with disrespect to yourself and your worth until Easter? Negative self-talk may be much harder to give up than chocolate cake or beer! This is a sacrifice of long-toxic habits.

Prayer
Consider spending five minutes a day (or more) in quiet reflection and meditation. Sit in silence, release your spirit to seek God’s peace, love, wisdom, and direction. Open your heart and mind up as a receptor. Don’t ask. Don’t talk. Receive, connect, and drink deeply from God’s unconditional acceptance of you.

Charity
Look beyond yourself to those in need around you. Speak kindly to your family (yes, even THAT member of your family like your partner or your child!), your friends, and your colleagues. Call a minimum wage fast food worker by his or her name and thank them for serving you. Leave a tip for the maid who cleaned your hotel room. Donate food to feed hungry people, open the door for a young punk who is behind you at the convenience store or burger joint and say “Please, go ahead!” Look people in the eyes and smile. Prepare a meal for a single parent and bring it to their family.

Observance
Abstinence of negative self-talk, quiet meditation with God, and looking beyond yourself can bring a connection to the observance of Lent into your abuse recovery. Who knows, if you try this for forty days, maybe you’ll continue it for forty more!

The Power of Empowerment

2010-02-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

I'll never forget the terrifying experience of walking through my own home a few years ago and smelling a fragrance from a trauma that was over forty-five years old. I was home alone. It was terrifying because it was not possible. There was no way - under any circumstances - that THAT particular smell could be in my home, and yet it was there. I tore through everything in the bathroom, in the hallway, in the living room - trying to find out where it was coming from, but I was looking in the wrong places. I was looking OUTSIDE of myself, not inside.

A situation the day before had awakened a very old fear from my abuse. I was slowly processing the circumstances, using my tools - the tools I teach and help others to use every day - and using my voice to talk to the support people in my life. I was filled with anxiety and dread that morning. I hadn't slept the night before. This situation had become like a runaway train - heavy and out-of-control. Without going into any detail, the developments from the day before were going to explode later that afternoon - I had been warned about that - warned about that the day before. A phone call was coming that - in my mind - placed me back in the position of being a vulnerable, exposed, small child.

With every resource at my disposal, with every tool I teach and with every support person I could find, I frantically tried to unravel the knot this impending situation created in me. I thought I was coming to terms with it until that fragrance filled my home. It stuck to the roof of my mouth and turned my stomach. I knew it well. It might as well have been a ninja that slammed me up against the wall!

I quickly left and as soon as I got in my car, that same smell filled it, too. I couldn't believe it! Where ever I was, it was there. I called a friend who asked me one simple question that changed everything. "Well . . . what are you going to do about it?"

Whoa! It was like a bucket of ice water shocked me back to consciousness! I thought about that question - about what it MEANT and about what it IMPLIED. It MEANT that somewhere within me - within my own spiritual and reasoning resources - I could address the impending situation like an adult - not like a naked, terrified child. It IMPLIED that I was EMPOWERED to determine how to proceed, next.

I stammered a bit and replied, "I'm going to act first! I'm NOT going to wait for the threat; I'm going to make the first move on MY terms and MY schedule!" The minute - and I mean THE minute - I made the decision to address this impending situation - the smell vanished. Poof! Gone! I couldn't believe it!

I'm sure you could tell similar stories about something from that past that is so large and so threatening, that it pushes you back into that role of being vulnerable and small, helpless and exposed. As soon as I determined to take ownership of myself - of my choices and my boundaries - that ominous smell disappeared. Now believe me - I understand that there was NO SMELL - it was just that rotting terror of my childhood trying to rip off one more day of my life.

There is POWER IN CHOOSING EMPOWERMENT. The moment you firmly plant yourself in the here-and-now, then you declare your RIGHT TO BE, your RIGHT TO THINK FOR YOURSELF, and your RIGHT TO BE VALID. You step away from the role of a victimized child and step into the role of VIABLE BEING. This is not to say that you'll never be hurt again or that you have some kind of super-hero powers - but it IS to say that THE VERY ACT OF TURNING TO FACE THAT WHICH DIMINISHES YOU, AT ONCE EMPOWERS YOU!

Abuse can convince you that you'll always be small, vulnerable, exposed, and afraid. Those are lies. Moving beyond abuse means facing life in the present, here-and-now. It means that you exchange the lies for the truth and put away childish things - including childhood terror. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (my paraphrase) applies here: "When I was [an abused] child, I talked like [an abused] child, I thought like [an abused] child, I reasoned like [an abused]. When I became an adult, I put childish ways behind me."

Each time you face your circumstances in a reasonable, responsible, and mature way - accessing help, support, and resources - you have put away childish things. That's the power of empowerment!

The Gates of Hell

2010-02-11T04:15:00.000-08:00

I'm certain that I am not the only abuse survivor who feels as if the gates of hell were opened the moment that abuse took place. I don't want to come across as spooky and I assure you that I am NOT a demon hunter. I don't look for satanic causes to every bad experience or hardship or illness. I work hard to remain balanced and lean on reason as well as God. For example, if I am sick with a cold, the reason is because I probably didn't wash my hands or someone else with a cold sneezed in my direction. My first thought is not about a satanic attack, but more about fluids, bed rest, and vitamin C. I know there are people who might argue with me on this, but I don't live thinking I'm being stalked by Satan every time I sneeze.

However, I have had seasons in my life when catching a cold is literally the tipping point that sends me hurling through absolute darkness. Those times when the cold, stacked up on top of the basement flooding, stacked up on a fight with my husband, stacked up on top of my computer crashing, stacked up on top of my child's broken ankle from a fall at school, stacked up on top of my office being broken into, stacked up on top of my dog dying, stacked up on top of . . . well, you get what I mean. It's during THOSE seasons that it feels much darker than just a cold. It begins to feel as if a target has been painted on your back and you're eventually full of arrows.

I think it is foolish to ignore the kingdom of darkness. To underestimate it OR overestimate it is also a big mistake, in my opinion. I think the balance of living as a spiritual being in a physical world means that we RECOGNIZE dark things for what they are and seek strength and comfort in appropriate ways during those dark seasons. There is a passage in the Bible (Ephesians 6:12) that states, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

The experience of abuse - any kind of abuse - creates an affinity between the victim and dark things. Sexual abuse, in particular, seems to open your spirit up to those spiritual forces of evil that the scriptures refer to. Abuse creates a rift between your Creator and your soul. It yanks loose the connection to God that would have strengthened and comforted you. It lets raw sewage seep into your spiritual foundation. It puts distorted lenses into your glasses so that your perspective is skewed. It emboldens self-hatred and self-destruction to such an extent that love is destroyed, relationships are dysfunctional, and the clean, crisp air of God's Spirit is lost to rancid pollution.

I've been working in the spiritual dimension of sexual abuse recovery for almost twenty years now. I'm convinced I could write a horror story that would make Stephen King blush, based on my own experiences and the thousands of other stories I've heard over the years. If you're an abuse survivor, I know right now you can look back over your life and identify experience after experience that was just so over-the-top insane that it defied logic. I believe this is as much an aftermath of abuse as the physical, emotional, and psychological damage is.

So, is that just the way it is? Do you and I sigh, shake our heads, and think, we've been marked or cursed and there's nothing that can be done? Well, to that I say not only NO, but HELL NO! Yes, abuse opens a very dark portal. Yes, it seems that many of us have experienced more than our fair share of catastrophes. But I think if you look at the ultimate destination of where that darkness can take you - here and now - you'll see that it can plunge you into hopelessness, depressive despair, and a severed relationship with God. I've always believed that was the primary goal - the big picture goal - of abuse.

I believe abuse is much more than it appears to be. As vicious and unfair as the physical, sexual, mental, and emotional damage is because of abuse, the spiritual damage is profound and not to be ignored. For most of my adult life, I've been struggling with God, searching with a seeker's heart, listening and watching, waiting and wanting more than darkness.

You may feel as if the soles of your feet are charred because you've been walking through hell for so long. I understand that. I also understand that we are to be people of light - people who see things clearly, who understand the bigger picture. After all, if you've experienced the worst, then you know there's got to be something better - otherwise, you would settle for the worst and you wouldn't be here, reading this, seeking your own way out of the darkness.

I want to leave you with some proactive steps that I believe we are to take as we encounter those dark seasons. I hope you use these as a springboard to determine what empowering steps you need to take to reclaim your life.

Look for patterns. Step away from the chaos of your circumstances for just a moment - as if you climbed up on a ladder looking down - and see if you recognize a sequence. Sickness - finances - work - family - relationships - fear - depressions. What are the patterns you see? Are they patterns of your making or not? (For example, if you keep over drafting because you forget to keep accurate bank records, the pattern is your making.) If you notice a pattern, then you have a larger clue as to what you're actually dealing with.
What do these patterns evoke in you? Take some time to think about where you will ultimately end up if the impact of these patterns runs its usual course. Does it evoke self-sabotage, rage, the re-awakening of a long dormant addiction or habit, a walking away from God? Take the time to examine what is evoked in you. Again - that will give you a clearer idea of what is really going on.
What part are you playing in this dark season? Are you feeding the dark things or nurturing the light?
Are other people influencing you in dark ways or in light ways?
Ask God to open your spiritual eyes - to help you see what is a consequence of living in the natural world where the laws of nature work predictably - and to help you see what are the workings of dark things over you and those you love.
Take meaningful action to address spiritual darkness in spiritual ways. If you need to, seek out people who might understand the conflicts between light and dark, and ask them to help you through prayer and spiritual empowerment.
Clean your environment. If you feel that something in your home or work or place of worship is attached to the dark season in your life, then it has already affected you as so. I don't think it's at all foolish to take action if it empowers you. Cleaning, re-arranging, anointing with oil, burning sage, purging your environment of disturbing things - these are all actions that can alter how you approach dark seasons.
Dig in. If I've learned one thing in my lifetime, it is that storms pass - seasons change. If you recognize the patterns of a dark season, then you already know what you're dealing with. Hang on because things could get very, very bad - and then go from bad to worse. One of my favorite scriptures follows the one I cited earlier. This one states: "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then." Ephesians 6:13.

And yes . . . I'm in a dark season right now. Pray for me, for Committed to Freedom, as we pray for you. But to quote the President of the United States in the movie Independence Day when confronted by the evil, locust-eating aliens, I say: "We will not go quietly into the night!" After all, you and I are much smarter and wiser than locust-eating aliens!

Running on Empty

2010-02-04T04:25:00.000-08:00

In our family, we have many stories that have become part of our family-lore. One such story took place when our children were young and we were on a family vacation around Christmas time. It was 2 am, we were driving from Arkansas to Colorado, and somewhere in Oklahoma (where the actual temperature was -5) I noticed the gas gauge sitting on "E." I pointed this out to my husband*, who assured me that we had enough gas and could make it to the next gas station (he said this as a gas station was being passed on the right). Well . . . you guessed it . . . we didn't make it. There we sat on the interstate, only God knows what the wind-chill was with the legendary Oklahoma wind. My poor husband had to get out and find gas. The kids and I (and our cocker spaniel puppy) huddled together in our minivan for a long time, waiting for help. For the rest of our vacation, at every restaurant and stop, we would ask people, "What does 'E' stand for on a gas gauge?" 100% of the respondents said "Empty!" My husband, however, insisted that it stood for "Enough." We even came up with a family salute, holding three fingers sideways to look like the letter "E" to add further dramatic effect with the retelling of our family lore.

Abuse survivors have a way of looking at things that may be completely intolerable and think, "I'm okay." Now, don't get me wrong . . . I'm a firm believer in tenacity, hard work, endurance, and digging in, but there may be times when it is very appropriate to say, "I'm running on empty," and get some help before you become incapacitated. In fact, the obvious time to acknowledge this is BEFORE it's too late. That may require some honest assessment of your life circumstances and what kinds of available resources you need if you’re going to make it.

I'm a big fan of looking at patterns. If you see a familiar pattern, then you already have a pretty good sense of what's going to happen next. If you're in a relationship that is dysfunctional or even toxic, and it's been going on for awhile, there are no surprises. You know the rules and know how almost every situation is going to play out. If you have an addiction, you know your patterns - how you get trapped, where, and with whom. No surprises, just patterns. If you struggle with money or depression or bitterness, you can most likely see the familiar peaks and valleys that usually lead to a melt-down.

Ending up on the SIDE of the road instead of ON the road is a very real possibility if you stubbornly ignore familiar patterns. Albert Einstein defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." To look at the patterns, to see the signs, to hear the concerns and cautions from your family, friends, and colleagues and ignore them is the equivalent of running on EMPTY and thinking you have ENOUGH.

One major obstacle to acknowledging you've hit your limit is that it feels as if you're once again small, powerless and in danger of being discarded or unwanted - just like you did when abuse occurred. While your current situations may be completely overwhelming to you, to ignore that reality and fail to come up with other options may exaggerate just how bad things are. It's like pretending that the gas tank is full when it is actually empty. Pretending it's full doesn't make it so. Eventually, you may put yourself in a situation where you actually are small, powerless, and disposable.

Many abuse survivors have been running on fumes most of their lives. That can make for a cataclysmic problem when things reach a tipping point for you - that one, last, crushing circumstance that pulls you over. If you've already come to a complete stop, use this time to re-group and re-think about how you are functioning and what needs to change. Use that metaphoric walk to the gas station (and yes, it will be cold, lonely, dark, and miserable) to strategically plan how you will manage yourself, your relationships, and your realities. If you're still coasting on fumes, make a decision to refuel now! It isn't an indictment against your capabilities, intelligence, or value - it's an acknowledgment that everyone needs to find resources outside of themselves if they're going to be healthy and functional in life.

Everyone has limits - highly competent and energetic people have limits, inept and sluggish people have limits. It is what it is. There are important moments in your journey where you absolutely must recognize your limitations or you will be in very real danger of burning out or shutting down. What steps do you need to take to replenish your mind, soul, body, and relationships? What changes need to happen? What needs to remain the same? What resources do you need to activate to stay or become healthier? How that works for you is something you will need to seriously pray and think about.

*Sorry sweetie, I’m not picking on you! You’re awesome!

Acknowledging the Depression Monster

2010-01-21T04:20:00.000-08:00

Let me say at the onset that depression is a serious condition that needs immediate attention. I completely support the use of anti-depressants to better manage the symptoms of depression. I completely support the use of medications to better manage the symptoms of depression. I also completely support exercise, healthy diet, stress management, and contemplative prayer. Depression is physical AND emotional AND spiritual - and all sides of that equation need to be tended to. It is complex and may require the attentive care of qualified professionals, including a mental health therapist and a physician.

For more information about depression, go to the National Institute of Mental Health website:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

I want to address the energy behind depression - behind depressive symptoms. Traumatic experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse or sudden loss, bring you face to face with the terrible reality that the world is not safe . . . that the world is not good. You may remember the moment you experienced that reality - you may not. Some people recognize this gradually by simply living life, but trauma plunges you into that realization with little-to-no preparation and very few tools to work through it.

Faced with the shocking realization that the world is not safe and not good, people have to find ways to cope. That can lead you to create elaborate and irrational beliefs and habits to push the shock away. Unfortunately, this is usually manifested in self-sabotage at best, and complete despair at worst. As the cyclical trauma/self-sabotage/despair perpetuates itself, it gathers momentum (and years), and becomes the perfect storm for depression.

It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You experience trauma and become immersed in a world of terror, powerlessness, and vulnerability. The stage is set for you to expect that kind of world, particularly if you were the victim of chronic abuse or neglect. At some level, you not only are the victim of trauma, but also a victim of your irrational beliefs and behaviors that are formed to push the experience of trauma away.

Of course, those experiences have a way of pushing back and you find yourself facing not only the reality of what WAS - but also facing the tremendous disappointment of what HAS BECOME. You lose hope because the trap of trauma and irrational living seems to overtake and overpower you. Essentially, you lose heart. You can't find the energy or drive to function. You struggle to answer the question, "Is it worth it?" with any response other than, "Not really." You get so beat down by what WAS and what IS that you have no reserve to draw from. It's the epic struggle for power and control gone terribly, destructively wrong.

In a perfect world, you have adequate funds and resources for appropriate help. Of course, that's not the experience of many abuse survivors who struggle with depression. In fact, you may be suffering not only from depression, but from the inability to find or pay for the help you need. This is when - even if you don't feel like it - you must find an interior point-of-reference in order to better manage depression. Depression - even when you're on medication - can obstruct your view of that inner strength point-of-reference, so it's important to begin with a simple success and build on it. Even if you do have appropriate care and medications, you must still find the tools to draw upon your inner strength.

Your greatest strength is ENDURANCE. You have proven that because you're here! Depression distorts how you see yourself, particularly when you've been abused. Even the smallest re-adjustment of your self-image could make a huge difference in how you manage depression. So think about that - YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH IS YOUR ENDURANCE OR YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!

Another great strength you have is your TENACITY to press forward. Again, if you didn't have tenacity, you wouldn't be here and you certainly wouldn't be reading this article! The fact that you've sought help - that you're reading this article - clearly demonstrates that you are like a pit-bull who will not let go until you find what you need.

A substantial question to ask yourself if you struggle with depression is, "What strength has gotten me this far?" I'm talking about STRENGTHS - not the band aide like drinking or spending or hiding or other self-sabotaging habits - what STRENGTH has gotten you this far? Look for that strength - capitalize on it. Put it in the center of your thinking and focus. Use the STRENGTHS that you have identified (like endurance and tenacity for starters) to build on. Perhaps one strength you can build on is your relationship with God – or perhaps not. For many abuse survivors - even the relationship with God seems to be peppered with disappointment and disillusionment.

An important tool to manage the spiritual component of depression is to tell God how you feel about your connection to him. Finding an ally in God is possible only when that connection is built on honesty - so if you're comforted by God - tell him. If you struggle with God - tell him. Either way, you're not taking God by surprise, but you are building your interior resources.

I recognize that life - by and large - is a pretty disappointing experience. Trauma certainly cements that reality into your soul, but so does the day-to-day struggle to function that so many of us know. You can't talk yourself out of depression with optimistic drivel, but you can take a breath and acknowledge that life has been very unfair. With that acknowledgement also comes the recognition that you have tremendous strength or you wouldn't have made it this far.

Read up on depression and how to help yourself through proper food, rest, and stress management. Change what you can. Stay away from depressing entertainment. Use what little energy you have wisely. Recognize your strengths and slowly build on them. Do things that will nurture a healthier worldview to anchor you into what could become an ally. Think strategically to identify not only WHAT you can do to help yourself, but HOW.

This is the third in a three part series on Acknowledging the Monsters.

Acknowledging the Rage Monster

2010-01-14T04:05:00.000-08:00

There have been many fine books and articles written about anger management, so this is not my feeble attempt to re-invent the wheel. What I want to focus on is your acknowledgement of what the Rage Monster really is. I recognize that every abuse survivor struggles with unique issues in different ways, but rage is a universal issue when abuse is experienced.

I can hear some of you challenging that assertion. "You're wrong, I have a very long-fuse" or "I never, ever lose my temper with anyone." But I'd like to peel that back a bit more to help you understand that rage doesn't always manifest itself with a fist through the wall or a glass hurled across the room. Some people don't have a ripple on their pond while others produce surf-worthy waves, but rage is more than outward anger. It is the deep, unsettled sense that someone has to pay for what was done to you. Please understand that may not even be a conscious thought for you, but it is there and it is powerful.

Rage is the offspring of lost power and control. To experience abuse or trauma of any kind brings every human being to the terrifying reality that they do not have enough power and control to protect themselves or to prevent trauma. When you are confronted with that reality - even as a child - it sets off a torrent of panic and unleashes an obsessed vigilante who is bent on punishing wrongs and vindicating injustice. It sets everyone on a course of power-gathering, but it is important to note that HOW that power is gathered varies from person to person.

Some of us bulk up - physically, financially, professionally, academically, and relationally. The thinking is that the better or more you have - be it people or beauty or money or drugs or food - the more powerful you are. You work hard to push that sense of being overpowered and exploited behind all that you have and are. No one ever sees the terrified child cowering in the corner when you're beautiful or rich or smart or high.

Some of us are explosive - perhaps even dangerous and abusive, too. If you threaten to verbally annihilate or physically destroy anyone who crosses you - then no one will ever suspect that you once were so small and weak that you couldn't protect yourself and couldn't stop it.

Some of us pull inward at the slightest hint of risk-taking. You don't risk expressing your real thoughts or feelings. You don't risk making a move or making a change. You never rock the boat. You work yourself into the ground accommodating the demands and needs of others, putting them above your own to the point of exhaustion. Your silence and compliance are highly effective cover ups for the perpetual screams that were never heard when you were being abused - that no one ever intervened to stop.

The Rage Monster is the out-of-balance demander of justice. The judge, jury, and executioner who lives to catch and punish. Some of you live to catch and punish others - even those who may have nothing to do with the abuse and trauma you experienced. Others catch and punish yourself for being weak, less-than, and unwanted.

Acknowledging the Rage Monster means you also acknowledge the brutal truth that you were helpless, vulnerable, small, and weak. It also means you acknowledge that others failed, exploited, overpowered, and hurt you. The issue of justice which underpins the Rage Monster must be acknowledged, as well. There will never be enough punishment - either on others or on yourself - to right the wrongs you have suffered. No matter how strong or beautiful or accomplished or scary or self-destructive or invisible you are - it will never be enough to change what happened.

The Rage Monster can only be tamed - can only be better managed - when you release the issues of justice from your personal control. Even if you have a $1 million settlement check or your abuser is rotting in a dark prison somewhere – it will never be enough for you if you live your life as a vigilante. As a person of faith, I'd like to submit that we have SOMEONE to release the issues of justice to - God. If you aren't a person of faith - there is still a releasing that can be quite helpful in setting your mind and heart free from the Rage Monster.

The Rage Monster is diminished when that which we have clenched in our fists is released - when you embrace yourself as a vulnerable and needy creature who has been hurt and will most likely be hurt again. The Rage Monster is a liar. There is no way to live in a fortress of rage - expressed outwardly or inwardly - and not be further harmed. In many ways, living life in that way makes you more vulnerable and weak than you might think. It is when we take risks, when we learn healthy boundaries and practice discernment, that the fuel of the Rage Monster dries up. We will no longer believe if we just have enough power and control, we'll silence the past. The past is the past. The amount of power I permit that past to have over how I live today is truly where taming the Rage Monster begins.

This is the second in a three part series on Acknowledging the Monsters.

Acknowledging the Sexual Monster

2010-01-07T04:31:00.000-08:00

It's a difficult thing to look at yourself honestly, but in my own journey beyond abuse, change has rarely come unless I honestly acknowledged the monsters (or issues) within me. For most abuse survivors, there are generally three monsters that need to be acknowledged and tamed:

(1) The sexual monster, (2) The rage monster, and (3) The depression monster.

Yes, there are an abundance of other issues you may struggle with, but you'll probably discover they are spin-offs of one of these three. In fact, even depression can be another spin-off of rage - not always, but sometimes. Over the next few weeks, I'd like to explore each of these monsters and what they mean to your journey beyond abuse.

The Sexual Monster is one that creates the greatest chaos, shame, and difficulty. If you experienced sexual abuse - especially as a child - your sexual teachers were abusive exploiters of your innocence, your vulnerability, and your curiosity. Your sexual experiences in the context of abuse - the sensations, the feelings of pleasure, power, terror, or pain - shaped how you learned to think about sex. Please note, I didn't say these experiences shaped how you learned ABOUT sex, but how you learned to THINK about sex. You “cut your sexual teeth,” so to speak, on twisted, inappropriate, and often traumatizing sexual experiences. While many abuse survivors have a great deal of sexual experience, most have very little understanding or factual information about sex - how your body works or how a partner's body works.

There was an interesting study done some time back with people who self-reported being very resistant or reluctant about sexual experiences. In this study, there was also a control group of people who self-reported that they enjoyed sex and felt balanced regarding sex. When physiological measures were used, the group that reported being repulsed by or resistant to sex were actually MORE aroused than those who said they didn't have problems with sex. What this tells me is that many of us who experienced sexual abuse are highly conflicted when it comes to sex. The internal dialogue goes something like this. "If I want sex or enjoy sex now . . . then that must mean that I wanted and enjoyed the abusive sex." That is a FALSE conclusion, but it is a powerful falsehood that creates the deep sexual conflict that many survivors suffer with.

One step toward having a healthier relationship with sex is to acknowledge that wanting and enjoying sex are NOT synonymous with wanting or enjoying abuse. The Sexual Monster is really a sexual lie. God made us to both desire and enjoy sex. The experiences of abuse skew that until it becomes a source of great turmoil, confusion, shame, and even perversion. If you don't acknowledge the Sexual Monster, then you probably aren't combating it with truth, factual information, and personal dignity. That could leave you either highly aroused for very disturbing reasons (such as seeing children or fantasizing about being raped), or could even lead you to act on that arousal and become a sexual predator or sexual victim.

Sex was meant as a gift from God to be celebrated, respected, and experienced responsibly. The Sexual Monster can either completely shut you down, sexually, or do just the opposite - create a new generation of predator, exploiter, or addict. Sex is a complicated issue for abuse survivors - believe me, I understand that. By the end of this year, we hope to have a guide to healthy sexuality put together and offered as a resource. Until then, think (and yes . . . even pray) about the Sexual Monster that may be robbing you of a healthy appreciation for who you are as a sexual being. Like any bully, when you turn and face that which has tried to conquer you - you often disarm its power over you and find that you are the one who can become empowered - to know truth and live in truth, even about your sexuality.

Next week, we'll look at the Rage Monster and the following week, we'll address the Depression Monster.

Resolution: No Resolution

2009-12-31T03:40:00.000-08:00

Abuse survivors tend to be people who actually think they should eat the whole elephant at one time! Unrealistic expectations are often directed not only at others, but at yourself, too. Perfection is a wretched task master, as you probably know. You either work yourself to death trying to achieve it, or you're so overwhelmed that you never even try. Either extreme is remarkably unhealthy for you.

At this time of year, the bar of unrealistic expectations is set particularly high. We've just finished Christmas - a holiday marked mostly by marketing as far as what it is supposed to be - perfect tree, perfect family, perfect food, perfect clothes, perfect body . . . perfect nonsense! But wait! There's more! Now we're looking at a new year - an artificial click of the clock that makes what happened at 11:59 pm different than what happens at 12:01 am. You'll be bombarded by weight loss programs, make-over’s for your kitchen and your wardrobe, challenges to pray more and read your Bible more, to improve your credit score, and on and on and on.

But I'd like to bombard you with this thought: How about no resolution for your New Year's Resolution? What would happen if you chuckled at the pressure to change something suddenly and walked away with a knowing-smile - aware that true change takes place reasonably, realistically, and rationally. Not happy with your weight? Then strive to make your next meal healthier - just your next one! You never know, you might decide to do the same thing for the one after that and the one after that, which might lead to a healthier weight. Want to be more familiar with the Bible? Then read a section today, and then meditate on it until it means something to you. You never know, you might read the next section and then the next, which might lead to a deeper understanding of the Scriptures. Want to remodel your kitchen? Change the light switch cover and maybe the cabinet pulls and THEN see how you feel about a project of that magnitude.

If you set the bar so high that you'll never achieve it, then you become discouraged and either quit or feel like a failure or drive yourself nuts. New Year's Resolutions are fine if they're reasonable and realistic. Abuse survivors can often see them as "all or nothing" decisions, and that's not good for you or anyone else. I'm still learning this in my own journey. I have to deliberately choose to stay in this moment - to celebrate when I accomplish a goal, such as eating a healthy meal or savoring moments with family and friends. So here's my New Year's Resolution: No Resolution! Consider that for yourself, too. Happy New Year! Woohoo!!

Prepare The Way

2009-12-24T03:00:00.000-08:00

And now, May Christ escort you with abundant love, extravagant purpose, and deep comfort. May you flourish, grow, and mature beyond all of your wounds. When you find yourself in darkness, remember that your Guide sees clearly the path that you should take. May you find balance, respect, kindness, and healing. May you celebrate the wondrous being that you are and celebrate that wonder in others, too. And now, these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:14).

Eternal Connection

2009-12-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

Think about your beginnings - your earliest, earliest memories - and then try to remember YOU before that. Can you consciously remember the moment YOU became YOU? For that matter, even if you are facing death at this moment, you still have this inner sense that you'll somehow continue on in another form or in another dimension. It's a mystery that you might be able to explain scientifically . . . "when an egg and sperm unite, a human being is born . . . when the body ceases to function, a human being dies. . ." but your own personal reality is perceived in a different way. You've always been. Now there may be others who were there the day you were born, or who may be present at the end of your life - but you experience yourself as one who is eternal. Formed in the image of God, you are a spiritual being whose origins are connected to an eternal Creator.

Living as we do – confined to a body, to time and space – is a lot like a bird who suddenly flies into a tunnel, confined and unable to soar. Essentially, we slip into this life through a tunnel of flesh and bone, blood and nerves, where we remain until we find our way back out of the tunnel and into the open. When Jesus confined himself to this same tunnel with us, he brought a light with him. Unlike you and me, Christ never lost awareness of his divine identity, of his true self. The rest of us have lived in the tunnel and forgotten that we are sons and daughters of God.

There are times in our tunnel that the dark, damp places are terrifying. There are times when we look around and honestly believe this is all that there is. There are also times when we see markings on the tunnel walls of those who have gone before us and we learn, perhaps even turning back to help those who progress behind us in the tunnel. Nevertheless, for right now, that tunnel is all we know as "normal." And yet, we all push toward something beyond the tunnel. I think it's hope . . . desperate, desperate hope and longing for home.

I think the way most of us live resembles how I feel when I'm in a New York City subway trying to use my cell phone. The connection is either inconsistent or non-existent. To get a good connection, I will have to find a good signal. That's like our perpetual pushing - the spiritual pushing that has propelled us through the tunnel in search of mystery and hope. It implies that we instinctively know there is a signal somewhere. In our tunnel we bump around in the dark, lifting up our tiny little spiritual cell phones, hoping to catch a signal.

Love it or hate it, the world knows that right now, it's Christmas. This is the time Christians have designated to celebrate the moment that God entered the tunnel with us. Christ - the Light of the world - came to be our Light in this dark tunnel, showing us the way to reconnect with our eternal, sacred selves, created in the image of God - beings so shimmering, that God was willing to live in the tunnel with us for a season, so that we could discover true Light and follow Him beyond the tunnel.

"In him (Jesus) was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."John 1:4-5

Rituals

2009-12-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

The word "ritual" can have a very traumatic meaning to childhood abuse survivors. Let's face it - for many of us, there was certainly a ritual - a routine - that set up the grooming and the abuse scenario. Those rituals are part of the complex layers that make abuse recovery so challenging. Sometimes these routines are also associated with larger religious or cultural rituals - such as holidays. That's why holidays can feel so depressing or chaotic, and produce such high levels of anxiety or panic.
Personally, I've worked hard and come a long, long way in my journey beyond childhood sexual abuse, and yet I sat in church recently and was bombarded with flashbacks. I had to quickly pick up my recovery tools and go to work unraveling why these flashbacks hit me with such strength at that particular moment. After a few minutes, I recognized that it had to do with the way this particular church was decorated and the songs being sung. Once I clearly saw this association, I was able to speak the truth to those flashbacks and remind myself I was not a child being groomed. I was an adult, sitting in a beautifully decorated church, hearing wonderful music of hope and light.

That's the power of ritual. You know what is happening, you know what is going to happen, you know the routine. I believe that part of personal empowerment to help you move beyond abuse comes through reclaiming the power of ritual. Rituals can be powerful and comforting. The rituals of church liturgy and music, of graduations and weddings, and yes . . . the rituals of holidays, can be deep and profound for you. Even frivolous rituals like pep rallies before a ball game or brushing your teeth before bedtime can bring joy and anticipation. Rituals are powerful because they prepare you for events and they structure how that event is experienced in known and predictable ways. Rituals are also powerful because they can be shared experiences with others.

This Christmas, take the time to create new rituals or embrace familiar ones that will prepare your heart and your life for the celebration of the Prince of Peace. Your rituals don't have to be like those of others - but can be practices and routines that are meaningful to YOU. I don't know what those will be for you, but I DO know this: rituals do not belong exclusively to negative or traumatic experiences. You can reclaim the beauty of rituals by making your practices and routines a part of your spiritual and cultural celebrations. Prepare, enjoy, and savor what makes you happy, what connects you to God, what fortifies precious relationships, and what reminds you of hope and joy.

For me, Christmas rituals that are meaningful include going to our hometown Christmas parade, watching movies I've seen a hundred times before, listening to music, worshiping at church, and eating Chinese food on Christmas day on paper plates. Now . . . what rituals do YOU need to incorporate into your routine to reclaim this season (and to reclaim your life) as your very own - to be anticipated, celebrated, and savored?

p.s. Oh yeah - I almost forgot one more! Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Christmas Christmas Time is Here!" is also a highly revered ritual sing-a-long, as long as we sing it in "chipmunk voices." Ho! Ho!! Ho!!!

Seeing Others Through Your Own Eyes

2009-12-03T04:25:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why you're so distrustful? So possessive? Is it possible that you see others not as they are - but as YOU are? Is it possible that your childhood abuse experiences have completely clouded an accurate assessment of what motivates others?

These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.

Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.

So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.

Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.

If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.

The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.