Meds?

Taking medications for depression or anxiety is sometimes met with great resistance - particularly by people of faith. I want to address a few of those issues. Please understand that I'm not advising what you should or should not do. I'm just giving you a few of my thoughts, particularly about the spiritual implications of taking meds for emotional or mental issues.

First, let's begin with the facts. The fact is that trauma sends your body into a series of chemical chain reactions that can quickly cause a toxic imbalance. Each time you have a flashback from that original trauma, the same chemical chain reactions take place all over again. The imbalance continues, and that sets off a whole series of physical reactions that can cause real damage over time. You'll see this manifested in gastro-intestinal, neurological, or muscular malfunction, to name a few.

For many people, the emotional pain they're in is so debilitating they can't even begin to work on correcting wrong thinking, exploring abuse issues, or addressing unhealthy, sabotaging choices. That's why doctors and therapists often prescribe medication - to control the emotional pain so that the hard work of abuse recovery can begin.

People of faith often confuse emotional and mental problems with spiritual conditions. Let me be clear - there are certainly times when the condition of your spirit will deeply impact your emotions or mental health. For that matter, there are times when your spiritual condition can affect how your body works, too. This is because we're not pieces of a whole - we're a complex set of systems that must work together - one system affecting another which affects another which affects yet another. We get in trouble when this beautiful system of give-and-take gets out of balance.

I've heard ideas about taking medications - particularly medications for emotional pain - that deeply trouble me because of their glaring inconsistencies with other choices made when living with the benefits of a modern world. I've heard teachings that say if you take medication - any medication - then you don't have faith in God. This is inconsistent with examples found in the Bible where people used their wisdom, knowledge, and experiences to help alleviate suffering. Even the Apostle Paul told Timothy to drink a bit of wine for his stomach problems (1 Timothy 5:23). In other words - something created by skilled people could be used to alleviate Timothy's frequent illnesses (please note - this article is NOT about wine - it's about people using their knowledge and creativity to bring about change).

If taking medications is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should live in a cave without power or plumbing or lights because buildings and electricity and water supplies and toilets were invented by people. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, you should walk everywhere barefooted because shoes were invented by people to protect your feet. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should only eat food that you've picked from the wild or caught with your bare hands because farming, hunting, and fishing were invented by people. You'll not be able to cook anything, because fire was an invention of people. The fact that you're reading this article from a computer indicates you have no problem using the creative God-given power of invention.


Like electric lights or bicycles or the alphabet or grain millstones, God has given people an enormous capacity to learn, invent, and improve the quality of life. This capacity includes the invention of medications. Some of those medications cure infections. Some control blood pressure. Some correct brain chemistry so that emotional balance can be restored.

Like everything else, there's balance to this discussion. I've seen people so drugged out on psychiatric medication that they're almost like zombies. To me - that's as troubling as people who refuse to take medication when they need to. I've seen lazy doctors who would rather write a prescription than get to the source of a problem. I've seen people who only take advantage of part of the healing process - they take medication but don't work on faulty thinking or abuse recovery work - all of which takes a HUGE amount of personal energy and commitment to change.

God has given people the ability to alleviate suffering, to improve the quality of life, and to overcome otherwise devastating circumstances. That's the ultimate understanding of a life of faith. When we realize that the wheel was a good invention, we also realize that God gave us an enormous capacity to learn, reason, and create – even to create medication that can do tremendous good when used appropriately.

The decision to take meds for the emotional issues you have - particularly if you've experienced abuse - is very personal and very complicated. You'll need the diagnosis of a good physician, the guidance of a good counselor, and the personal commitment to do the hard work of becoming healthier. You may benefit from appropriate medications taken for a brief period of time. You may need medications for an extended period of time. You may never need that kind of assistance at all. Everyone is different. What works for you may not be appropriate for anyone else, and vice versa.

You are a spiritual, physical, and emotional being. All of those systems are delicately balanced to work together. When trauma - like abuse – interrupts that balance, steps will need to be taken to bring order back to that unfair chaos. Sometimes that will involve medications. Sometimes it will involve meditation or prayer. Sometimes it will involve exercise and a good night's sleep. Talk to your doctor. Do some research about alternative medicine too - such as homeopathic treatment. Learn about options that might be available and be very proactive in taking control of your life. Above all things – tend to your spirit and nurture it back to health, just as you nurture your mind, emotions, and body.

In Praise Of . . .

Just last week, we were having prayer time with our five year old grandson. Here's how he started his prayer, "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" Wow! What would happen if you began your prayers for the next ten days with THAT opener!

As the old saying goes, "Attitude is EVERYTHING!" That's a BIG problem for abuse survivors - we tend to focus on the negative, which then impacts our outlook, our thinking, our relationships, and even our health. Negativity is a VERY unfair legacy of abuse. In many ways, that's what keeps the damaging, sabotaging way you've functioned going. It's what sets you up for dysfunctional relationships, unhealthy habits, mental chaos, and spiritual despair.

Now please understand, I'm about as UN-Pollyanna-ish as a person can get, but I know the value of intentionally looking for positive things - even in the most negative of life experiences. That's not the same thing as denial, but it IS a shifting in attitude to recognize that there is wonder and even beauty in some very dark moments of life.

Interesting research has been conducted to see why two people can have the same traumatic experiences and one becomes incapacitated, while the other eventually recovers in a functional way. The difference between a resilient person and one who is less resilient involves positive emotion and positive outlook.

I don't think it's an accident that Jesus taught us if we want to understand the great, unknowable, cosmic genius of God, we need to become like a child (Matthew 18:3). I always regain focus and perspective when I'm around children (I'm also happy when they're asleep, too - and quiet can resume!). Kids are caught up in the wonder of life. When you were abused, people stole that sense of wonder from you and replaced it with a cynical, dark viewpoint. Well, our life experiences certainly introduced us to a disturbing worldview, BUT I believe that worldview can be directly challenged – challenged with intentional recognition of wonder. This intentional recognition goes beyond what is around you, it also goes WITHIN you!

Now, think about a strawberry. I know this sounds a bit crazy, but have you ever considered all that goes into a single strawberry that you get from a store? Someone planted it - someone who has hopes and dreams just like you. The Earth that God made nourished it, the rain watered it, and the sun warmed it. Another person - another being with hopes and dreams - did back-breaking work to pick that strawberry. An entire system of harvest, processing, transportation, marketing, and distribution made it possible to get that strawberry to you.

One of the self-disciplines I'm really working on right now is to think about the miracle of each meal, of each breath, or each moment of wonder. So today, I sing the praises of all who made that strawberry possible. I sing the praises of me. I sing the praises of the ONE who made it all possible. When I choose to live in praise of the little things and big things - then I build within myself a resiliency that can endure tremendous difficulty.

So, how can you live in praise of . . .? Let's practice! Repeat after me . . . "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" You might even want to throw in a few kudos’ for strawberries, too!

Dysfunctional Familiarity

Many years ago, I traveled to Honduras. I was the guest of some Americans who invited me there to teach several seminars. I love to travel and one the best parts of travel - in my opinion - is trying local foods and experiencing local customs. Well, imagine my disappointment when our first meal in Honduras was at an American restaurant chain. It was the same menu as the chain's restaurant in the United States, except it was written in Spanish. Before the week was over, I ate several meals at American franchise restaurant chains. They were all very familiar to me and there was absolutely no challenge to try new foods, experience new customs, or even the struggle to communicate with the wait staff.

I finally asked if we could please go to a local, mom-and-pop owned restaurant or cantina, which we did. As soon as we walked in, I was in a completely unfamiliar setting. I did not know what anything was on the menu, I struggled to communicate, and the setting was extremely different from what I was used to. I felt as if I didn't belong because I was in a very different setting that I was unaccustomed to. But I found that as I made an effort to understand and be understood, that both the workers and the customers were happy to help me find my way around. I stretched to try out my very rusty Spanish, but somehow managed to convey what I wanted to eat. I've never had such wonderful beans, rice, and tortillas in my life, but it required an effort on my part. I was a fish out of water in this small, grungy cantina - a place that was completely unfamiliar to me.

This sense of unfamiliarity is one reason that abuse survivors hesitate to try new approaches to life and relationships. For most of us, we are most familiar with dysfunction. The way we eat, relate, work, parent, partner, and live has been dysfunctional for a long time. So long, in fact, that we may not know any other way. As unhealthy as it is, your "normal" may be extremely self-defeating and ineffective. At the same time – that’s what you know. You know the menu, the language, the setting, and the customs. That's what feels natural and effortless.

When you start that transition to healthy choices, appropriate boundaries, and adequate self-care, you're suddenly in uncharted territory. You're not familiar with the language, customs, or settings. Abuse survivors often struggle when they feel powerless and believe me - when you're trying out "healthy" for the first time - your unfamiliarity with it can cause you to feel very out-of-control, even powerless.

You may actually panic and revert back to what you know best, rather than ride out that unfamiliarity until you become more comfortable. It takes a while to grow accustomed to functional living. It also takes time for the people in your life to adjust to your new way of living, behaving, and thinking. Of course, if you're getting healthier, it may actually feel threatening to the dysfunctional people in your life who might not want you to grow. That's when the panic can really set in if you're not careful.

Trying anything new brings with it a certain level of anxiety and uncertainty. That's normal. If you recognize that this sense of unfamiliarity is a normal part of the healthy growth process, then you've already conquered it. It is what it is. When you know that, you can also develop strategies to stabilize yourself if you panic or feel like a foreigner.

You know, the best meal I had in Honduras on that trip was as that grungy cantina. It was worth the effort and the uncomfortable feeling of not understanding anything. As I pushed through those obstacles, I found there were people willing to help me, unknown tastes and experiences that turned out to be wonderful, and a deep sense of personal pride that I went beyond the familiar - in my case the American restaurant chain - to really have an encounter with the very culture I wanted to be a part of. You'll have those same moments in your journey from familiar dysfunction to healthy choices. While it may not be your "normal" at first, that too will change over time - and you'll feel a deep sense of personal accomplishment and pride when it happens.

Complexities of Damage

People often wonder why their experiences with childhood abuse impact them so deeply. Why does the damage live on and on in so many of us? Why isn't it like a scraped knee that heals up so that you can just move on? Why do you struggle with anger or depression or fear or chaos or addiction or dysfunction decades after the abuse ends?

That's a complex question and the response is equally complex. The complexity rests in the fact that nothing in your life occurs in a vacuum. The perpetrator. The people who wouldn't or couldn't protect you. The time and place. The circumstances that facilitated the abuse. Your own physical, mental, spiritual, and social needs and conditions at the time. These - as well as many others - are all part of the context in which your abuse occurred.

Abuse - the full context of abuse - changes the way you think about yourself and the world. The way you think about trust and security is altered. The way you approach relationships is overshadowed by pain or terror or fear of abandonment. The value you see in yourself and others is skewed. That context of abuse is imprinted in your mind and heart and becomes the navigator. If you're not careful, you will live on auto-pilot with this navigator steering you to sabotage relationships, devalue yourself, withdraw, attack, or disappear.

The context of abuse teaches you that safety and goodness are not necessarily guaranteed. That lesson is often learned very well and the complexity of that lesson is that it's based on reality. You weren't safe. Bad things did happen. But the other part of that reality is that there are, in fact, good and decent people who are not out to abandon or harm or exploit you.

The complexities of abuse's damage can determine how you cope with stressful situations now. You may work very hard to be self-sufficient - avoiding the need to need anyone. You may cling or obsess or be hyper-vigilant. You may pretend that your past doesn't include the disturbing experience of abuse. You may drive yourself and everyone around you crazy with your anxiety, your fear, and your rage. It's complicated.

The path to becoming healthier requires a recognition that your dysfunctional beliefs about yourself and the world - maybe even God - are not determined solely by the actual abuse. It is larger than that. It is the context. Life - your life - is still lived out in a context. The challenge is to separate the context that you function in today from the context in which your abuse occurred. They are not the same. Even if the same people are in your life - even if you're in the same town and the same house and the same room - it's different. If nothing else, the difference is that you're seeking personal empowerment and a healthier path. That alone, is a huge step to re-arranging the context of your life today.



September 11, 2001
The anniversary is upon us. To commemorate this brutal atrocity, let's work for peace, and strive to be people of grace and mercy. There is no better way to honor those who lost their lives than to be the reflect the love of Christ in this dark, sad world.

We will never forget. Never.

Vertigo

I've struggled with vertigo a good portion of my adult life. Yep, you might say I'm a dizzy blond (bad pun, I know). Vertigo is a very disorienting condition. The room spins, regardless of whether you're standing, sitting, or lying down. You lose your balance. You get nauseated. In some cases vertigo can completely incapacitate you! Once, I had a episode so debilitating I couldn't even give a telephone interview for a radio program!

For abuse survivors - abuse of any kind creates that same sense of vertigo. In this case, however, it's spiritual and emotional vertigo - sometimes physical, sexual, and relational too. Abuse is very disorienting when it's happening, but the damage doesn't end there. It completely spins your world around and can continue to create internal and external chaos and confusion for years.

Vertigo is usually caused by tiny calcified bits in the inner ear. Medications are not particularly effective in controlling the symptoms. My doctor told me the best thing I can do to control vertigo is to take care of the source in my inner ear. She explained that it's like dissolving sugar in tea. You have to stir the tea to dissolve it. So my "treatment" as well as prevention from further episodes is to lay on the edge of my bed with my head hanging off, and roll from side to side for a few minutes. And you know what . . . it worked! Dealing with the problem, versus treating the symptoms, helped substantially in controlling and even reducing the vertigo episodes.

There's an obvious correlation here when dealing with your abuse “vertigo.” Covering it up, numbing it, or pretending it doesn't exist - none of these are really effective strategies to be able to function for any sustained period of time. While it would be nice to just take a pill, drink a drink, or click your heels three times and "poof!" everything's fine - that's not the way it works.

Abuse recovery is a pro-active way of living. That's not a statement of despair; it's a statement of empowerment. Some people think that the task of making on-going healthy choices means they're doomed to struggle for the rest of their lives - that they'll never be "healed." I think it's just the opposite. I think the moment you make a healthy choice - a proactive choice, you're already there. Every step you walk on this path of being a healthier, balanced person is miraculous and powerful and amazing!

To lie down and be dizzy is one thing. To lie down, even though you ARE dizzy, and roll around until you dissolve that bit of debris - that is proactive! That effort - metaphorically and spiritually - means you have empowered yourself to get up, find your bearings, and catch a more accurate view of life. Each tiny step you take, each proactive choice you make - big or small - brings you into a place of more accurate perspective. It gives you a glimpse of what it is you're working so hard for.

The Love Hate Experience With God

This is an article about honesty . . . and honestly, I have a love/hate relationship with God. I've been on the up and down roller coaster of belief and doubt, righteousness and debauchery, faithfulness and apostasy. I know that's disturbing to a lot of people, but God gets that completely . . . gets me completely. Gets you completely too.

Let me be the first to admit that I don't have many answers, especially when it comes to God. Honestly, the ministry of Committed to Freedom began because of my own spiritual search for answers to questions that really have no good answers. The dilemma for anyone who has experienced trauma or suffering is to have co-existing contradictions. God is love. Suffering is real. God has the capacity to create. Trauma has the capacity to destroy. The idea of God being powerful and one who intervenes in the circumstances of our lives held up in contrast to unanswered prayer, vulnerable people being abused and exploited, or diseases that progress, ravage, and destroy. Like I said: love/hate.

It may feel completely terrifying to even acknowledge this love/hate relationship with God. It may feel as if you're in mortal danger of losing your soul, of losing your place in God's kingdom, or of falling into deception. But, like every other aspect of life, to pretend these concerns are not important to you, that these questions do not gnaw away at the edges of your soul - is to lie. The fact is, if these contradictions are rattling around in your heart and mind - they're there! God already knows that - it's not like you're going to take God by surprise when you finally explode into a spiritual meltdown because you haven't been honest about your struggles.

I recognize that people from a variety of doctrines and belief systems read this. It is with a great deal of caution and sense of responsibility that I write about such topics as abuse, and certainly about God's role in abuse recovery. I'm sure that up until the day i die, I will still have many more questions than answers, but I want to share a few of my thoughts about the spiritual journey - the quest that you and I are on to help you grapple with these difficult issues. Here is what I know:

1. God is patient, God is love, and God is aware. Keep in mind what Jesus, himself, screamed on the cross when faced with overwhelming betrayal and suffering. In essence he said, "Hey! Where are you? I'm suffering and I can't find you!" Your issues don't take God by surprise. They may take you and everyone else by surprise. They might make everyone around you very uncomfortable, even alarmed - but take a breath. God knows the difference between a seeker and a cynic.

2. God encourages your honesty. You may have to hold back with your pastor, your family, your friends, and maybe even with yourself - but not with God. God's not up in heaven, peering over a cloud with a giant mallet playing "Whack-a-mole" every time you raise troubling issues or questions. Jesus invited people to "Come to him" for any reason, any time (Matthew 11:27-30). Again, your gut-wrenching spiritual howls won't rattle God one bit. They may freak everybody else out (including you!), but God knows the struggle. God knows the path. God knows the truth. God knows the reasons.

3. God is neither a puppet master nor a magician. You aren't under God's control, nor is anyone else. God doesn't pull your strings. Instead, he beckons you to dwell in peace, connect in quiet awe, and wait for illumination. By the way - this is a two way thing. God wants to dwell in peace with you, too. God wants to connect in quiet awe of you, too. God wants to wait with you. The other part of this is that God does not function at the behest of "abra-ka-dabra" prayer. I don't completely understand this. It is a cosmic mystery that unfolds as life goes on, but God's function is not as our personal magician or Santa Claus. This may be the major sticking point that you may have with God. Your expectations are often missing the point of God's role and function in your life. I still haven't formulate all of my ideas on this one - it's still a matter of great meditation and study for me, but the longer I live, the more I realize that my ideas about God are limited, flawed, strained, and obstructed.

So, yes - I love God and yes – I’m very, very upset with God. Yes, I have faith and yes, I doubt. Yes, I follow a moral and ethical code that complies with those of the Bible and yes, I teeter on the brink of unrighteousness. I am a glorious contradiction - just like you!

What makes you so glorious - you must understand - is the fact that you ARE on this roller coaster, you ARE in a tug-of-war with God, and you ARE a seeker and not a cynic. So uncross those arms, take a breath, ask hard questions, and seek, seek, seek. According to Christ, it is only the seekers who find. Only those who make some noise that find their way in. Only those who demand answers that get them. Of course that's my paraphrase with an edge. Jesus put it this way: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" (Matthew 7:7-8).

I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't know when. I DO know there is an insatiable drive within me TO know. Perhaps there is in you too. So ASK, SEEK, and KNOCK. Then pay attention to what unfolds . . . and be patient, grasshopper!




From Sallie:

Can you imagine the terror of being abused? Of course, many of you can.

Now, can you imagine that same terror if you're mentally retarded or physically disabled?

I'm developing a new seminar for abuse survivors with these particular challenges. I'm also developing one for helping professionals that work with them.

Would you like to help fund this kind of research and development? If so, please click here: http://www.committedtofreedom.org/donate.html

I'm in the midst putting on the finishing touches for these seminars. We really need you to be a financial partner to help make this happen. We also need your continued support to develop many more types of seminars and resources!

Expectations

There's an expression you've probably heard before: "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." This colloquialism must have been developed with abuse survivors in mind! Often times, we can be all-or-nothing kinds of people. That "either/or" thinking is sometimes responsible for doing terrible damage to your relationships, your work, and yourself!

Thinking or acting in "either/or" terms is a form of self-protection. Your life experiences taught you to expect betrayal. Expect broken trust. Expect a catastrophe. That's understandable. These expectations are not based on a fantasy, they're based on facts. You were betrayed. Trust was broken. Catastrophes pepper your personal history.

These facts, however, often become a template that you use to measure everything and everyone. A dilemma is created for you because you know how wretched it is to be exploited or hurt. These are lessons that you learned early in life and have possibly been reinforced as you aged. So you become like Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. You activate the force field around you and do everything possible to become impervious to these painful disappointments.

A hyper-vigilant tendency takes over. You're always on guard. Always on patrol. Always expecting things to fall apart, people to abandon you, or life to kick you down. Don't get me wrong. Life - on a good day - is challenging and overwhelming, but if the way you approach that reality is filtered through "either/or" thinking, you could set yourself up for a very difficult existence.

A friend forgets to call or write - you end the friendship. Your children don't quite live up to their potential - you only see their flaws. Your partner doesn't meet all your wants and needs - tenderness and joy leaves you. In fact, many abuse survivors have histories of many, many chaotic, dysfunctional relationships - leaving one person for another then another then another. Leaving one job for another, then another. Walking away from things or people that are important to you because that feels safer than remaining and navigating through the hard (and often uncomfortable) process of working and living together.

I want to clarify that I am not addressing abusive relationships or jobs or schools - you absolutely MUST put up a force field and reconfigure how you function if there's abuse going on. What I am pointing out, however, is that abuse survivors sometimes have a tendency to look at everything as all-or-nothing, either/or, yes/no, or black/white - when it's just not that way. The bathwater may need to be thrown out, the precious things contained in that water might be worth keeping and drying off.