Eternal Connection

Think about your beginnings - your earliest, earliest memories - and then try to remember YOU before that. Can you consciously remember the moment YOU became YOU? For that matter, even if you are facing death at this moment, you still have this inner sense that you'll somehow continue on in another form or in another dimension. It's a mystery that you might be able to explain scientifically . . . "when an egg and sperm unite, a human being is born . . . when the body ceases to function, a human being dies. . ." but your own personal reality is perceived in a different way. You've always been. Now there may be others who were there the day you were born, or who may be present at the end of your life - but you experience yourself as one who is eternal. Formed in the image of God, you are a spiritual being whose origins are connected to an eternal Creator.

Living as we do – confined to a body, to time and space – is a lot like a bird who suddenly flies into a tunnel, confined and unable to soar. Essentially, we slip into this life through a tunnel of flesh and bone, blood and nerves, where we remain until we find our way back out of the tunnel and into the open. When Jesus confined himself to this same tunnel with us, he brought a light with him. Unlike you and me, Christ never lost awareness of his divine identity, of his true self. The rest of us have lived in the tunnel and forgotten that we are sons and daughters of God.

There are times in our tunnel that the dark, damp places are terrifying. There are times when we look around and honestly believe this is all that there is. There are also times when we see markings on the tunnel walls of those who have gone before us and we learn, perhaps even turning back to help those who progress behind us in the tunnel. Nevertheless, for right now, that tunnel is all we know as "normal." And yet, we all push toward something beyond the tunnel. I think it's hope . . . desperate, desperate hope and longing for home.

I think the way most of us live resembles how I feel when I'm in a New York City subway trying to use my cell phone. The connection is either inconsistent or non-existent. To get a good connection, I will have to find a good signal. That's like our perpetual pushing - the spiritual pushing that has propelled us through the tunnel in search of mystery and hope. It implies that we instinctively know there is a signal somewhere. In our tunnel we bump around in the dark, lifting up our tiny little spiritual cell phones, hoping to catch a signal.

Love it or hate it, the world knows that right now, it's Christmas. This is the time Christians have designated to celebrate the moment that God entered the tunnel with us. Christ - the Light of the world - came to be our Light in this dark tunnel, showing us the way to reconnect with our eternal, sacred selves, created in the image of God - beings so shimmering, that God was willing to live in the tunnel with us for a season, so that we could discover true Light and follow Him beyond the tunnel.

"In him (Jesus) was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."John 1:4-5

Rituals

The word "ritual" can have a very traumatic meaning to childhood abuse survivors. Let's face it - for many of us, there was certainly a ritual - a routine - that set up the grooming and the abuse scenario. Those rituals are part of the complex layers that make abuse recovery so challenging. Sometimes these routines are also associated with larger religious or cultural rituals - such as holidays. That's why holidays can feel so depressing or chaotic, and produce such high levels of anxiety or panic.
Personally, I've worked hard and come a long, long way in my journey beyond childhood sexual abuse, and yet I sat in church recently and was bombarded with flashbacks. I had to quickly pick up my recovery tools and go to work unraveling why these flashbacks hit me with such strength at that particular moment. After a few minutes, I recognized that it had to do with the way this particular church was decorated and the songs being sung. Once I clearly saw this association, I was able to speak the truth to those flashbacks and remind myself I was not a child being groomed. I was an adult, sitting in a beautifully decorated church, hearing wonderful music of hope and light.

That's the power of ritual. You know what is happening, you know what is going to happen, you know the routine. I believe that part of personal empowerment to help you move beyond abuse comes through reclaiming the power of ritual. Rituals can be powerful and comforting. The rituals of church liturgy and music, of graduations and weddings, and yes . . . the rituals of holidays, can be deep and profound for you. Even frivolous rituals like pep rallies before a ball game or brushing your teeth before bedtime can bring joy and anticipation. Rituals are powerful because they prepare you for events and they structure how that event is experienced in known and predictable ways. Rituals are also powerful because they can be shared experiences with others.


This Christmas, take the time to create new rituals or embrace familiar ones that will prepare your heart and your life for the celebration of the Prince of Peace. Your rituals don't have to be like those of others - but can be practices and routines that are meaningful to YOU. I don't know what those will be for you, but I DO know this: rituals do not belong exclusively to negative or traumatic experiences. You can reclaim the beauty of rituals by making your practices and routines a part of your spiritual and cultural celebrations. Prepare, enjoy, and savor what makes you happy, what connects you to God, what fortifies precious relationships, and what reminds you of hope and joy.

For me, Christmas rituals that are meaningful include going to our hometown Christmas parade, watching movies I've seen a hundred times before, listening to music, worshiping at church, and eating Chinese food on Christmas day on paper plates. Now . . . what rituals do YOU need to incorporate into your routine to reclaim this season (and to reclaim your life) as your very own - to be anticipated, celebrated, and savored?

p.s. Oh yeah - I almost forgot one more! Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Christmas Christmas Time is Here!" is also a highly revered ritual sing-a-long, as long as we sing it in "chipmunk voices." Ho! Ho!! Ho!!!

Seeing Others Through Your Own Eyes

Ever wonder why you're so distrustful? So possessive? Is it possible that you see others not as they are - but as YOU are? Is it possible that your childhood abuse experiences have completely clouded an accurate assessment of what motivates others?

These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.

Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.

So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.

Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.

If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.

The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.

Food

Many behaviors and lifestyle choices of abuse survivors are energized by the issues of power and control. When you're abused, someone misuses their power and control over you. With that misuse, they take away YOUR power and control, which - in turn - can send you on a lifelong search for enough power and control to not ever feel threatened or small or vulnerable again.

When sexual or physical abuse happens, the victim's body experiences sensations - such as pain and even pleasure - that are completely out of your control. This can create a deep (and false) sense that the body has betrayed you by being weak, small, powerless, or sexual, which can set you up for a lifetime of unhealthy habits and practices.

One common area of difficulty is with food. This difficulty can run the gambit. For some, there is virtually a practice of deliberate starvation, which is commonly known as anorexia. For others, there is a practice of deliberate gluttony, over-eating which can lead to obesity. For others, there is the practice of binge eating and then purging, bulimia - a pattern of blinding gratification followed by blinding punishment and regret. There are some who are so afraid of going without food that they hoard it and even hide it in every possible nook and cranny of their homes, vehicles, and work. To the outside person looking in, these unhealthy ways of dealing with appetite and food make no sense. That may even be true for you - you don't understand why you have such a difficult relationship with food.

If you scratch beneath the surface of your eating patterns, it is about much more than food. It is about power and control. When you had no power and control over what happened to your body during abuse, then there is nothing more powerful than to exercise complete control over it NOW with your food habits! Of course, because - like everything else - your food habits formed around traumatic experiences (such as abuse) - then how you view food and your body are distorted by that trauma - that awful sense of having no control.

It bears mentioning that abuse survivors are most often people of extremes. We tend to be all-or-nothing kind of people. Rather than enjoying food in a healthy and balanced way, it's either starvation or gluttony. It's either way too much or way too little. One of the most vicious cycles with food is the horrid sense of losing control - of overeating, feeling shame, and then either eating more or starving more or vomiting because shame has triggered an attack of hopelessness.

These feelings of being overwhelmed, of being ashamed, of rigid control, can cause your relationship with food to be so dysfunctional that you do further harm to your body and to your general health. Of course, that can subsequently impact your emotions and can lead to depression, irritation, and even anger that can go sideways.

Your body is yours. To overindulge, under indulge, or both, is you way of trying to exercise control over what happens to it. Personal empowerment results when you recognize that you have as much of a relationship with food as you do with your family and friends. Food is a significant part of your life that must be managed with balance and respect. Respect for yourself and respect for the body you put it in.

Another contributing dilemma is the culture that many of us live in. It has cultivated a very unhealthy environment for food and its consumption. We're bombarded with all-or-nothing advertisements that have skinny people munching on 2,000 calorie burgers. We have healthy looking children exclaiming how awesome junk food is. We even have entire television networks dedicated to food preparation - but not just preparation. There are a remarkable number of programs on where we literally watch people going to restaurants, eating and commenting. It's almost like pornography!

I think it's easy to eat (or not eat) when you're on auto-pilot, when you do what you do without thinking. Food - and your relationship to it - is a difficult thing to be functional with, particularly for abuse survivors. The thinking goes something like this: “It doesn't matter. Why bother when I've been like this for so long. I'll do better tomorrow, this one time won't matter.” Of course, it does matter, because this is not about food. It's about power and control - and your attempt to exert control over something very personal, but doing so in a dysfunctional way.

Every bite counts. Too many or too few - they count. The WAY they count is that they reflect your own beliefs about your worth, your body, and your health. That’s where your attention and evaluation need to begin.

How Long?

In my opinion, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (by Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg) is one of the most wistful, melancholy, angst-filled songs I've ever heard. While I love Judy Garland's version, the one that always melts my heart is sung by the late Eva Cassidy*. She seems to have nailed the longing that so many of have for something beyond what we have known. When I need to touch that place of longing in my own soul, I listen to her rendition. Not only is this song one of yearning, it is also one of hope - that there is, indeed, another place "where dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true."

The obstruction to that discovery of something beyond, seems to be the insurmountable ones of time, space, and uncertainty. In fact, the question, "How long?" is one that fills the heart of any suffering or struggling person. It is a question asked quite often in the Bible.

The psalmist asked, How long will the wicked, O Lord, how long will the wicked be jubilant? (Psalm 94:3); "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2); and "How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?" (Psalm 4:2).
Moses asked, "How long will these people treat me with contempt?" (Numbers 14:11)
Solomon asked, "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?" (Proverbs 1:22).
Job asked, "How long will you say these things? Your words are a blustering wind." (Job 8:2)
Even Jesus asked, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Mark 9:19).

I remember when I was a child, growing up in a military family during the Vietnam war, I had a calendar with numbers on each day of the year, counting backwards. We had a date my father would return from war and each day on that calendar marked one day closer to our separation ending. I also remember when I was in labor with our first child, I asked (more like screamed), "How Long?" and screamed it more than once during those long twenty-four hours!

The question, "How Long?" seems a bit more bearable when you have a target date to focus on – like a father returning from war or a baby about to be born. But for abuse survivors, there most likely is no target date. No moment fixed in time when - once you cross it - you won't struggle, won't remember, won't wince or panic or fear (I’m not speaking about heaven here!). That's when the question, "How Long?" feels as illusive as this wistful song. "How Long?" can blind you to what is happening in the present - good and bad, pleasant or difficult.

I grew up in a faith tradition very focused on the after-life, on heaven. While that may be comforting, it can be thrown out of balance if it means you fail to live this day with the importance that it deserves. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful that we have a "blessed hope" of something beyond what we know - beyond our suffering, but I also know that what we have at this moment IS . . . well . . . this moment.!

I've lived long enough (almost 56 years) to be very grateful for what I know now. I wouldn't trade my knowledge and life experiences for anything - not even being cute and twenty and strong and energetic. With time spent on this earth, we can learn how precious each day is, each relationship is, and each opportunity is. Don't get me wrong - I hate suffering as much as the next person, but as valid as the question, "How Long?" is, that's not the only question you need to ask. Other questions - whether your life circumstances are positive or negative, whether your journey is arduous or joyous - might be, "What can I learn about myself through this?" "In what ways do I need to change and grow?" "What about this is worthy of dignity and celebration?" "What about this can I use to help others in similar situations?"

One reason I think that "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is so melancholy, is that it looks THROUGH the rainbow, not at it. The truth is, from the smallest child to the oldest adult, the sight of a rainbow can take your breath away and cause you to squeal, "Look! A rainbow!" In your journey, there is beauty and wonder in each step - each painful step - on your way to find out what's beyond this moment you've got. Live it to the fullest. Extract from it all there is to have. Use it to change yourself, to alter the future, and to make a difference for others who find themselves on the same path.

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high . . . there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue . . . and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me . . . where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?"

You’ll be there someday, but for now, dear ones, be sure to catch a glimpse of that rainbow, too. It makes the “How Long?” question a bit more bearable.

*to hear Eva Cassidy's rendition of Over the Rainbow on YouTube, paste this link in your web browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8

Control Over Trauma's Legacy

"A problem that can't be solved isn't a problem - it's a fact. The problem is how to deal with the facts." Frederick H. Kanfer.

Therein lies one of the great challenges for abuse survivors - how to deal with the facts. The problem is, most of us live in an auto-pilot kind of ways - ways that we learned during abusive circumstances that served as a teacher for our behavior, thinking patterns, and feelings. This often results in self-sabotaging behavior, chaotic thinking, and unpredictable feelings. When you combine this auto-pilot way of living with the stresses of current relationships, work, finances, and health - it quickly becomes a cluttered, toxic mess.

A good exercise to help you assess how your auto-pilot is harming you is to think about a situation that was very upsetting to you. It can be recent or in the past. Be specific. Next, identify how that situation negatively impacted your feelings. In other words, what emotions do you now connect with the situation? After you identify your emotional reaction, identify the correlating dysfunctional thoughts you have or had with those emotions. Now answer this question: were those feelings and thoughts rational and sound or illogical and irrational? As you find yourself distanced from that situation, what could have been a more rational response to the dysfunctional thoughts you had at the time?

Real change - healthy change - begins when you interrupt the auto-pilot. That involves thinking about situations a bit longer before you say or do anything. It involves self-monitoring, too. An extremely helpful practice is to become an observer of yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, and the pressures that your auto-pilot is putting on you. Then monitor those things in order to keep an eye on where they go. This sounds like an enormous - and unnatural – effort, which it is! At least it is at first. It is often helpful to seek out wise friends or counselors who will help you rehearse or role play how to think and respond to triggers that remind you of the past, and to current situations that may be difficult for you to manage. It is also helpful to ask God to guide you into healthier thinking patterns.

The beauty of real change is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. There is a Scripture in the New Testament that states, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he (or she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (or her).” James 1:4-5.

The fact is that once you learn to self-monitor, to take the time to think and pray before you say or do anything - you replace the sabotaging auto-pilot with a new one - an auto-pilot who is aware, rational, and careful. As these changes take place gradually over time – with practice and determination - the cluttered, toxic mess is replaced with a more ordered, grounded, and rational way of living.

Dealing with Dysfunction

No matter how far you've come in your personal healing journey, no matter what decisions you've made or changes you've implemented, when you are in dysfunctional relationships, you've got some very real challenges. Some of these relationships may be long-standing and others may be recent additions. Some of these may be with your abusers or family-of-origin, others may be with your partner or boss or child. All of these require an extreme amount of energy to navigate through, but the dysfunctional one I want to address here is the one you may have with your abusers or your family-of-origin.

Relationships from your childhood or youth go down deep into your soul. Even if you haven't seen these people for years, they are entwined in your heart and mind. "Tangled" may be a more accurate way to say it!

I know I write about this a lot, but relationships can often make or break your progress - especially the dysfunctional ones. So let me point out the obvious:

• You already know these people. You know their habits, behavior, and attitudes. You know how quickly things will deteriorate. In fact, you can probably set your watch by it, it's so predictable. So there are few surprises. The only surprise might be good behavior!
• You already know how they push your buttons. You know what they do that drives you crazy, breaks your heart, or sends you into the closet to eat an entire cake or the bar to drink an entire bottle. In all honesty - you know how this works, so again - there are few surprises.

So to deal with dysfunction means that you recognize the obvious and adjust accordingly. Here are a few suggestions that might help you deal with the dysfunctional people in your life. Use them as a springboard to come up with your own strategies, and then stick to those plans!

1. If possible, limit your time with them. Not only face to face time, but phone time, email time, or text time.
2. Screen your calls and turn off technologies that make you accessible when you've had enough. It's better to connect when you're prepared, stable, and centered, than to feel pressured to be instantly available.
3. When (not IF, when!) they do or say the predictable, have a plan in place to keep you focused on health and peace. Build in exercise time, recreational time, or activities that you truly enjoy. Make sure your strategies are not self-destructive. If you sabotage yourself, then you don't have a strategy - you've just bought into the dysfunction.
4. Reject their negative energy. You know there are times when you can actually, physically sense the negative energy that some people project. Their angry or stressed or depressed thundercloud can literally fill a room if you let it. The moment you feel it invading your heart, mind, and body - push it away. Don't receive it. Do some deep breathing, do some deep thinking and praying, or excuse yourself and go outside for a moment. There are times when even the bathroom can become a haven from all the chaos of dysfunction. Use it if you have to for reasons other than functional! Go in there, close the door, turn on the water, and breathe deeply, stretch your muscles, and clear your mind and heart.
5. Examine why you feel obligated to these people and examine what that obligation actually means at this stage of your life. Perhaps it's time to rock the boat and stop participating in the dysfunction. Perhaps that's not an option and you need to figure out how to remain with them without going ballistic. Either way, take some time to figure out WHY you remain in toxic relationships and what you can do to keep that from becoming personally toxic to you.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but I also know it is part of being a healthier person. Boundaries, reality, and strategies go a long way in dysfunctional relationships. Take a deep breath - you're NOT going to change them. If that was possible, you already would have done so. This is about you becoming and staying healthy, regardless of how functional or dysfunctional your relationships are. These are a few suggestions to untangle this mess from your living and being. Sit with these ideas. Ask God to help you figure out your own strategies, and then follow through. As Jesus said one stormy night, “Peace, be still.”