Noise

I once read that silence was the first language of God. Of course, the opposite of silence is noise. For an abuse survivor, the greatest noise to contend with is probably the noise inside your own head! Noise is usually a force to contend with - whether it originates on the inside or the outside, whether you're a talker or the quiet type, into harps and Indian flutes or drum solos and screaming electric guitars - noise impacts your journey. Those who are deaf also contend with noise, it's just that the receptacles for that noise come through other senses, but there is still a lot of head traffic.

For some abuse survivors, noise can be something to hide behind. Music is loud, television is always on, iPods are always running. For others, noise is something they constantly produce through unending chatter and relentless talking. Noise, when used to hide, is chaotic. It is meant to deflect the inside noise and to push reality to a more comfortable distance.

For other abuse survivors, noise can be something that brings comfort. The music may still be loud, the television be on 24/7, and the iPod may always be running, but the function of noise is different. It provides a point of reference that orients and anchors. It makes things that go bump in the night less noticeable. It provides companionship and diminishes the isolation that many abuse survivors feel. It serves to better manage the inside noise, as well as push reality to more comfortable distances.

Noise can also give abuse survivors identity. It helps to frame emotions and experiences. Depression. Anxiety. Fury. Joy. Exhilaration. Inspiration. Despair. The noise of music and television and iPods and movies can be powerful validators and normalizers for people who are on this long journey of recovery.

And yet, the admonition to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10 in the Hebrew Bible) can feel challenging for one whose inner noise is relentless, and whose outer noise never stops. Silent meditation is a common part of many spiritual retreats and faith traditions, and yet it can feel quite unsettling. If there is no external noise and the interior noise is being muted, what will you hear? What will you find? Who will you be? What will you know?

The practice of intentional silence is one of the most powerful tools you can use in abuse recovery. This is especially true if you're resistant to that idea! Your resistance is a red flag that needs attention. In my own journey beyond abuse, I noticed a distinct change in my anxiety and agitation when I began practicing intentional silence. I did this in various ways that worked for me. I eliminated morning news from my routine. Then I eliminated evening news. (Don't worry, I still get all the news my mind can take, I just get it through new sources that I read rather than hear or watch.) I walked without headphones and observed sights and sounds I hadn't noticed before. I hiked or drove to scenic overlooks and sat in silence, opening my mind and spirit to God's voice - to peace and love. I paid more attention to others without anticipating my next sentence, holding my thoughts and words until I really heard what the other had to say (which - for me - is like trying to stop the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico!). Even when I had small children and a full time job, I viewed time in the shower as an opportunity to be silent – where the white noise of running water would give me the chance to be still.

These are little things I did, with great intentionality, that began to de-clutter my mind and heart. After extended practice of these small shifts, something changed in the noise. It morphed into sound. Sound that had structure and order to it. Sound that could be managed, used for comfort and validation. Sound that could fortify me. I will write what I've written many times before - abuse recovery is about finding balance. Submerge in silence for a brief time, turn off the noise for a season. You will re-surface with a healthier relationship to sound - both interior and exterior, and a clearer understanding of how to manage it to make you healthier.

Transition is always a fascinating thing. Moving from noise to sound comes through practice - the practice of intentional silence. It reminds me of my grandson’s kindergarten violin concert this past spring. Five and six year olds played violin. For parents and grandparents, family and friends it was beautiful! Extraordinary! Exquisite! For an honest listener, it was pretty much torture. But for THIS grandmother, I heard the New York Philharmonic accompany Itzhak Perlman! That's because I looked beyond the noise and heard the sounds of effort and youth, discipline and potential . . . and it brought peace to my heart and joy to my soul.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom


Beyond Abuse Retreat for Men & Women in NYC

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Online Registration for Men & Women's NYC Retreat!

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

To be human is to keep rattling the bars of the cage of existence hollering, "What's it for?"
- Robert Fulghum

Super Hero Power

I'm a sucker for really bad science fiction. Not the "slasher-demon-possessed-slimy-monsters" kind of sci-fi, but the "this-is-so-bad-it's-great!" kind. You know, the kind where you can see the strings that hold up the "flying saucers" as they whiz past the camera? Classics like "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" or "Attack of the Killer Tomato."

My love of silly sci-fi was gratified recently, when an all-day marathon of the 1980's TV series "Greatest American Hero" aired. I have to tell you, the show's theme song always puts a lump in my throat (Really! Click this link to listen!). The premise of the show is that a UFO gave a red suit with a cape to an average, mild mannered high school teacher, Ralph Hinkley. When he put on the suit, he had super hero powers. But there was one problem: he lost the instructions on how to use it. So he basically had all this super-power, but couldn't quite control it.

It was just one trial-and-error after another. Funny entertainment, but for the character's world, it wasn't funny for him at all. Ralph still managed to take out the bad guys, rescue the endangered, and stop disasters, but he did so with clumsy and often catastrophic movements. He crashed through buildings, flew through the air with the finesse of a bad disco dancer, and missed his mark on more than one occasion. He often felt like a failure.

Abuse survivors and Ralph Hinkley have a great deal in common. The fact that you've made it this far is a testimony to your strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and spirit! You have courage and power - power gifted to you by the Spirit of God. The challenge, for you, is to learn what that means and how to use it on your journey beyond abuse. Particularly in the early stages of recovery, you may feel as if you're crashing more than landing on your feet or hurling through the air like a dodo bird rather than soaring like an eagle. You may often feel like a failure. That’s normal AND discouraging!

So here you are, with your super hero powers that have been given to you - YES, YOU!! - and yet, you feel out-of-control. Well, you are. Take a breath. That's normal. It takes a great deal of courage to put on that super hero suit and to take a risk - to take a chance that your life can be re-crafted. Re-formed. Restored. The courage of Ralph Hinkley was not that he had a super hero suit. It was that he took the gift he received and - despite the fact that he had no idea how to use it - he still put it on and jumped into the air. Without his actions, the suit remained in a box, dormant and useless.

The beauty of recovery - of working to reclaim your life and move beyond abuse - is that your trial-and-error process will yield amazing results. You will begin to recognize the triggers that usually send you into a tailspin and know how to recalibrate. Your vision and perception will eventually see through faulty thinking. You will challenge the way things have always been and approach old issues in new, more effective ways. Your fear will subside as you are enveloped with the strength and comfort of God's love. You will soar in such a way that even eagles will marvel at your technique.

To do otherwise is to keep what you have been given in a box, unused. Worse yet, to take that gift out of the box, experience what is possible, and yet choose to take it off and return it to the box would be an true atrocity. Our family experienced the tragic consequences of that choice almost two years ago this month. Dave, my son-in-law committed suicide. His permanent solution to a temporary issue destroyed not only himself, but many others who loved him. A few days after his memorial service, my four-year-old grandson and I were having a conversation under the stars about Dave. My grandson said, "Grannie, Dave was a super hero. He just forgot to use his super powers one day."

Those profound words instantly crystallized what abuse recovery really is: a struggle to remember to use your super powers. A life-and-death, moment-by-moment decision to keep that super hero suit ON and be okay with the fact that you're still figuring out how to use it. Some days you'll fly better than others. Some days you'll land on your feet and other days you'll tumble. Some days you'll miss the side of the building, and other days you'll smack right into it. But the point -THE POINT - is that you keep the suit on and you practice using your super powers! To do otherwise is an unnecessary tragedy.

I'll close with the words to The Greatest American Hero (by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, sung by Joey Scarbury) and hope you sing this at the top of your lungs today: "Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air, I never thought I could be so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!"

Fly, my friend! Fly!! After all, you’re a SUPER HERO!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom
For more resources, go to our website

Just

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
-Jesus
Luke 6:31

Abuse Recovery Tip

Breathe deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat.

Unscheduled Delays

The question - and I mean THE question - everyone asks at some point in their abuse recovery is, "When will I be normal?" "When will I be free . . . when will I be okay . . . out of pain?" These, I believe, are the wrong questions. The more appropriate question might be, "How can I become healthier?"

Abuse recovery is quite often referred to as a journey. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. It occurs in the context of work and school, relationships and hobbies, wake and sleep. It also occurs in conjunction with the process of aging and being. From the day you're born until the day you die - you're a work in progress. The energy and immaturity of young adulthood guides its gut-wrenching peaks and valleys under any circumstances. The weakened, slower body of senior adulthood presents an altogether different set of challenges and rewards. Also included in these passages - for survivors - is the recovery process.

Recovery is not on a timetable. There are no published schedules that tell you when you will arrive, or even where you will arrive. Recovery is not commanded, it is explored. It is a struggle with tiny successes, profound losses, and occasional, monumental victories. No matter how self-aware, self-controlled, or self-motivated you may be, recovery unfolds in its own time, in its own way.

As I write this article, I am on a plane. A plane that's almost an hour late from its scheduled departure time. This, of course, will mean that I miss my connecting flight, which in turn means I will not get home until very late tonight or maybe even tomorrow. I'm exhausted, hungry, and a bit annoyed. That's the way it goes with abuse recovery, too. No matter how tight your recovery schedule may be, no matter how hard you work or how many books you read or how many hours you spend in therapy, you're going to experience unscheduled delays. They will feel like set-backs, but they're not.

Recovery's work is to slowly reveal how you can live in a healthier way - physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and relationally. It occurs in the context of living life - which is an unpredictably wild ride. My flight was delayed due to mechanical problems. As annoying as it was to sit on the runway for an hour while the technicians fixed the problem, I kept reminding myself that if they didn't fix it, we would never arrive.

In your recovery process, expect those same kinds of moments. Moments when everything comes to a screeching halt while adjustments and repairs must happen if you are to continue on. It's frustrating, inconvenient, and – by the way – absolutely necessary. It can be looked at as REAL progress. Without these kinds of delays, what truly needs attention will be ignored, and that's no way to become healthier.

Your destination is to become healthier. The time-table for this is unknown, but the great mystery is that you will know you've arrived when you get there. In the meantime- keep your seatbelt buckled and your book opened. It may be awhile and it may go - not according to your plan - but according to a larger schedule. The schedule for you to become truly healthy. Truly free.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
for more resources, go to http://www.committedtofreedom.org