Fragile

When you receive a package that says "fragile" on the outside, you understand that whatever is inside is to be handled with gentleness and care. The potential to break is great for whatever is inside. The sign on the box implies that the contents have value and that the handlers and recipients must treat that package accordingly.

Abusers treat a valuable being without gentleness or care. They take what is obviously precious and mishandle it. Every creature on this green Earth is precious. Not plant nor ocean nor air nor creature should be handled in a brutal or course way. That truth is even more weighted when a human being is concerned. Jesus said that people who harm children - vulnerable or small people - would be better off if they had a concrete block tied around their necks and thrown into the ocean. Jesus was highly opinionated about those who handle fragile people in harsh or course ways. His harshest judgments were reserved for people who hurt children or vulnerable people (Matthew 18:16, Luke 9:42).

It's ironic that abused children often become adults who continue to abuse – but they abuse themselves! The way life is lived - the choices you make - often reflect the same disregard for yourself that your abusers had. Except the one who does not honor the "fragile" notice is you.

The truth is - you have enormous value. You are precious and must be treated accordingly. It's always interesting that most of us would never tolerate being talked to or treated in the way we talk to or mistreat ourselves. Much of what crushes us today is how we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we handle ourselves.

Isn't it time to stop the destructive work of your abusers? Isn't it time to handle yourself with the care you should have experienced when you were small and vulnerable? Isn't it time that you stop acting like your abusers toward yourself and recognize the precious treasure that you are? Fragile - handle with care - those are instructions for you - to handle yourself!

Filters

"Perspective is everything." That's how the old saying goes, and it's absolutely true. How you view things is all relative to your own perspective - those filters through which you process information, ideas, beliefs, and actions. This truth is most apparent in relationships. There are no two people who will look at the exact same thing in the exact same way. Everyone brings their filters with them and it translates what you perceive and what others perceive.

Your filters are there for many reasons. Your economic and professional situation. Your spiritual beliefs and values. Your life experiences – both positive and negative. These filters all come to bear in how you experience and think about life. It's as if you have a pair of glasses on that dictate your focus and clarity, or fuzzy confusion! This is most apparent when you recognize the filter of abuse and how it impacts your worldview.

You see a person who looks a particular way, has a particular mannerism or profession or gender. If he or she is at all similar to your abuser, you'll see that individual through the filter of suspicion and even fear. You discover your child is exploring his or her sexuality. What that means to you is filtered through the experience of being sexually exploited. You don't achieve the success you worked so hard for at work or at school. This is filtered through your "I'm not good enough" filter. Your partner or friend is not everything you need or want. The “abandonment’ filter translates this into a relationship-busting catastrophe.

Filters are not fixed. They can be modified or even discarded. They can be measured against how others view or experience what is so problematic for you - not in order for you to compromise or betray yourself or your beliefs - but to understand the filters of others. Filters can become balanced if you challenge them. Some of your filters are good and very appropriate. Pay attention to them, because they're not all bad and they're not always wrong. Let's face it, if you've experienced abuse or exploitation, you have an elevated awareness that others don't have. Some people need to have more of that filter - which is often so clear to you.

Like a comfortable pair of glasses that you've been looking through for years, you may not even be aware that you're wearing them. Following that metaphor, sometimes you need to take those glasses off and see what you can on your own, perhaps clean the lenses and maybe even get another pair of glasses because your vision is changing. That's all part of becoming a healthier person.

There is instruction in the New Testament Bible, 1 John 4:1 that states: "do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to SEE whether they are from God." This idea is about challenging your filters. Testing what you think, believe, and see. Recognizing that there are many different perspectives that might merit the time and effort to explore. Your filter may be right on target. It may be way off. It may be changing. These are the joys of maturing and growing healthier - when you SEE that what you SEE may need to been SEEN through a new filter. Then again, your filter may be absolutely perfect! Now, isn't that clear?

I will appear on television this week:

NavPress, the publishing arm of the Colorado Springs based U.S. Navigators, announces Sallie Culbreth, author of No Longer Alone, will appear on A Time for Hope, a weekly Faith-Based Mental Health talk and interview television show designed to help people find hope and meaning in their lives on this week. Hosted by Dr. Freida Crews, her guests offer practical solutions to real life problems and challenge millions of viewers each week to put their hope in Jesus Christ for genuine peace, healing and recovery. Check http://www.timeforhope.com/schedule.asp for local and stations.This program will also be available on Time for Hope's website for several months.

Ebb and Flow

Something many abuse survivors do not anticipate is the nature of this journey. You make meteoric progress, notice real change and then - WHAM! You hit a wall and fall backwards. You substantially alter the way you treat your body and then one day you eat two bags of French fries. You place boundaries around yourself and gently enforce them with others, but then drop those safeguards entirely with a person you swore you'd never do that with again.

Two words: ebb and flow. This concept will save your sanity when everything you thought was a done-deal, a finished task, some real progress - comes back and slaps you in the face. It can be very discouraging if you're not prepared for it. If you are prepared, however, you recognize it for what it is: part of the process of living out change in the context of life.

It is normal to sprint out of the gate and think you can keep up this pace of doing it all RIGHT NOW! It is also normal to run out of energy after the first hundred yards! It is normal to go to a retreat or seminar and - sitting in that room - have great determination and a "can do" attitude. It is also normal to walk out of that building and have the breath knocked out of you by the enormity of the task. It is normal to read an article or a book and have everything spelled out so clearly that you completely know what to do and how to do it. It is also completely normal to have a brain-freeze within a matter of hours that leaves you convinced you never understood what in the world the author was writing about.

You get the idea - ebb and flow. If you're prepared for it, you won't be conquered by it. Think of the ocean's waves on a beach. They thunder in and they roll back out. It's a natural rhythm - a normal occurrence. It doesn't take anyone by surprise. I recently watched a program on television about tsunami waves in Hawaii. A tsunami wave is an enormous and destructive wave that originated far away from where it makes landfall. On this program, the scientist being interviewed said if tourists are on the beach and they notice the water from a wave abruptly receding back toward the ocean, they need to quickly get to higher ground. That abrupt withdrawing is a sure signal that a tsunami is on the way at any moment.

Your ebb and flow is going to be rhythmic and easy most of the time. You take a few steps forward and a small step back. A few more giant steps forward, perhaps one or two steps back. It's when you have unrealistic expectations for how giant those steps are that you need to pay close attention. Unrealistic expectations for you or others is a lot like that abrupt receding of water just before a tsunami wave hits. It's a warning.

Your journey is never going to be a straight path from point A to point B. It's winding, disturbing, exhilarating, and exhausting. Honestly, it's only when you look back over time that you really see how far you've come. Like the rhythm of the tide, your journey is ebb and flow. Some days you're going to do great, some days you're going to think you're actually losing ground. That's to be expected - at least if you're really working to become a healthier person. Ebb and flow. That's a visual of the journey you're on. To know this is to also recognize that extreme abruptness is a warning for you to get to higher ground - unrealistic expectations have set you up for a truly destructive experience.

Strength

It's springtime in Arkansas. Besides the beautiful flowers that bloom and the pollen that is covering everything with green dust, we also have wicked storms. Tornados are a common occurrence here at this time of year. If we don't have tornados, we have thunderstorms with high winds and lots of lightning. It's just part of Spring.

We have a covered deck on our house and this Spring we noticed two robins building a nest just under the roof on a support beam. After several days of building, mama robin now sits on her nest. At the moment, we've shut down all grilling and reading on the deck so no one is disturbed while the wonder of life hatches open. In fact, we now have two screaming baby birds that keep the grown up robins pretty busy. It's a bad time to be a worm in our neighborhood! It's been amazing to watch.

A recent thunderstorm blew in with almost horizontal wind. The rain was fierce and so was the lightning. Everything grew extremely dark in the middle of the day. I walked past our sliding glass door and saw something just remarkable. That mama robin wasn't moving. She held tight and wedged down into her nest. Nothing - not the wind, not the rain - nothing was going to dislodge her from that spot! Her strength was just amazing.

That is a perfect picture of the resolve you must have as you strive to become healthier. It definitely gets intense at times in the journey beyond abuse. Forces beyond your control whip around you, drenching you - throwing everything at you to dislodge you from your determination. It is when things are the most intense that you must not waiver. You are on a path that will bring peace, health, and depth. You have the strength to weather this storm. The wonder of your life is hatching within you.

Storms will pass. Clouds will dissipate. You are strong enough to do this. Wet wings will dry and you will soar.

No man is free who is not master of himself.
-Epictetus

Heaven wheels above you, displaying to you her eternal glories, and still your eyes are on the ground.
-Dante Alighieri

Healing Love

Love is a powerful and empowering force. Many abuse survivors either search for it with relentless determination or insist that they don't want it and don't need it. Of course, everyone wants and needs love - whether we acknowledge that or not. The truth is that you're broken hearted. That's the impact of abuse - it breaks your heart. Your terror of being vulnerable to another person can create tremendous conflict with your terror of being hurt. It's one of the great dilemmas in navigating how you relate to people as you move beyond abuse.

If you find love, it's wonderful - whether that comes from a lover, a friend, a child, a parent, or a pet - it's wonderful. Love is a healing agent. When you are loved, it can soothe wounds. But there are two sides to love - receiving it and giving it. One you have control of - one you don't.

The fact is - you can't demand love. It is meaningless if it isn't freely giving. Of course, people can go through motions that appear to be love - but if it's a performance, if it's obligatory - it's meaningless. You know it and so does the actor. For an abuse survivor, unauthentic going-through-the-motions relationships are devastating. There's a familiar ring to that kind of toxicity - it hurts. It appears to work for others, but you're not included. Relationships of obligation are not going to provide much healing for your broken heart. They may actually break it a bit more. Again, these are things you have little control over. You can become more demanding - insisting that others do things that look like love, but that will often create greater rage or sorrow within you. Take a deep breath - you can't require people to genuinely love you.

The other side of love - giving it - is something you DO have control of. Let me be very clear - giving love is NOT IN ANY WAY the same thing as being a DOORMAT or a VICTIM. Giving love requires looking beyond yourself - beyond your own perspective. Giving love requires you to consider how your words and actions impact others. When you love in a way that reflects Christ's teachings, you value peace and justice. You discard the winner-loser mentality. You find an inner strength that incubates greatness - not ego-inflating greatness - true greatness worthy of one who follows Christ. Then you become an adult who establishes boundaries, practices kindness for the sake of being kind, and enlarges your world-view to include others.

Compassion and kindness. Gentleness and respect. Patience and peace. These are the internal benchmarks of one who has learned to love. When you love - you are empowered. When you love - using the model of Christ's life - you are stronger than your abusers and stronger than your abuse. You turn and go in a direction that is the complete opposite of abuse. You move beyond abuse when you live beyond the perversion of "love" and betrayal of trust that shattered you.

To give love mysteriously translates into a healing force in YOUR life. It is a cosmic, grand, and sacred transformation that may or may not be noticed or reciprocated - but that's not the point. The point is that your demanding love almost guarantees that you'll never have enough - never receive what you so desperately want or need. Giving love is something that the Spirit of God slowly, gently, and respectfully massages into your broken heart until those wretched spasms of abuse's damage cease. Gradually and ever so empowering, you emerge strong enough to give love without victimizing yourself or others. That is healing love - and it looks NOTHING like abuse or abusers.