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Maya Angelou, writer and poet, once wrote: I answer the heroic question, "Death, where is thy sting?" with "It is here in my heart and mind and memories."
Perhaps one of the great challenges for abuse survivors is navigating through the process of forgiveness, yet still having to live with or overcome the damage. Over the years, I've had many conversations with people who aren't sure if they have "really" forgiven people. When I press for the reasons people feel this way, it almost always comes back to the harsh realities that survivors struggle with from day to day as a result of abuse. Physical problems. Dysfunctional relationships. Addictions. Rage. Nightmares. Fear. Trust issues. Sexual chaos. Depression. Self-injury. The long list of challenges faced by abuse survivors reflects very real and ongoing battles due directly and indirectly from abuse.
I think it's important to distinguish between the act of forgiveness and the ongoing damage that results from abuse. First, let me define forgiveness: Forgiveness is the decision to release yourself from the actions and injustice committed against you (whether that is abuse or some other wrong). You make a conscious decision to continue on your life journey no longer attached to these wrongs or those who committed them. For people of faith, this decision includes not only releasing yourself FROM this attachment, but also releasing the responsibilities of justice TO God. Even if you're unable to trust God - even if you do not believe in God - you can still make a decision to release yourself from the penalty you bear because of someone else's actions. For most of us, the greatest penalty we continue to pay for abuse and injustice is that we are consumed with paralyzing bitterness. In many ways, forgiveness has almost nothing to do with the person(s) involved and everything to do with YOU releasing YOURSELF to move forward, no longer chained to bitterness. You set a prisoner free, and that prisoner of bitterness is you.
Okay, so you've done that. You've released yourself from the injustice. You sent the responsibility of injustice to God or accepted the realization that no matter how hard you try, your bitterness accomplishes nothing - other than to keep that injustice alive and growing as a festering wound. Forgiveness is a vital piece of abuse recovery, but it still doesn't erase the damage. It still doesn't FEEL like you've been released because you've got such an unjust war to fight! I think that's where a lot of people get bogged down. The bitterness is dealt with as best as it can be, and yet, you're depressed, sexually broken, plagued by trust issues, control issues, and fear.
There's so much about this that's just stinking unfair, and it is in that unfairness that you may feel bitterness come back with a vengeance. Of course, the problem with bitterness is that it deflects attention and energy away from healing and puts you right back into a counterproductive cycle. When I'm dealing with the physical damage that I live with to this day because of my abuse, it's very easy to slip back into debilitating bitterness - but that doesn't change my reality, it only compounds the difficulties I have to live with. When I am jolted awake by a terrifying nightmare where I relive the abuse, all of my energy needs to help redirect me to calm down and recalibrate so I know where I am. When I'm trying to navigate through close relationships and I feel like a stranger in another land who doesn't know the language or the customs, that discomfort can overwhelm me so much that I pin it all on my abuse and the injustice of it all. Of course, I can spin that discomfort in my head and heart until I wind up destroying precious relationships rather than taking the time to cultivate and nurture them.
Abuse, like death, has a very real sting to it long after the abuse stops. That sting is the damage - the unfair battles that you face. The sting lives in your heart and your mind (and your body) and your memories. Bitterness compounds that sting to the point that it becomes a festering sore. Forgiveness drains that bitter infection and puts you light years ahead in your journey beyond abuse, but it doesn't erase many of the issues and conditions that you're left with. There are two steps in the process of abuse recovery: forgiveness and navigation. When you feel bitterness creeping back as you struggle and thrash with the damage, be very clear and very firm with it. Bitterness will re-attach you to the injustice and drain all of your energy for the real task at hand: re-learning how to live, how to love, and how to turn tragedy into a positive force for change.
You can't change the past. You can't rewrite your history and undo what has been done to you. Forgiveness releases you to be MORE than your past. What you CAN do - what you MUST do - is to use your energies to navigate through the damage, strategize how to live, re-learn, change your perspective, and become healthy.
Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse
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