Scattered 'n Smothered

There are members of my immediate family who have a tradition of going to Waffle House every Christmas for breakfast. Now, I admit that I love the ambiance of Waffle House because the patrons, the staff, and the food are consistently colorful. One of the great things about this restaurant chain's "charm" is that the food servers call out the orders to the "chef," who repeats the order. There is a Waffle House code for hash brown potato preparation that gives the order for how those 'taters are prepared. Scattered, smothered, covered, and diced means hash brown potatoes that are scattered in oil on the grill and served with sautéed onions, melted cheese, and grilled tomatoes.

For an abuse survivor, being SCATTERED has another meaning altogether. It means that you aren't focused, rational, or at peace. You may feel like you've been scattered on a hot grill and sautéed in oil, but the real issue is the mental chaos that interferes significantly with how you function. You're easily distracted. You are disorganized. You lose or misplace everything. You always run late. You drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

On the other hand, other abuse survivors are just the opposite. You SMOTHER. You're so intense and focused that no one can keep up with you. You stay on target, on message, or on mission. You're so organized that you leave absolutely NOTHING to chance. You know exactly where everything you need is at all times and even make a mental note of where others place items that you know they'll eventually need. You are punctual or even early to everything. And - by the way - you too drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

To be an abuse survivor means that at some point - when you were vulnerable, needy, and weak - you experienced trauma, secrets, danger, and exploitation that rendered you powerless. That's how abuse happens - someone with more power - be it physical or relational - misused their power and robbed you of yours. There aren't very many situations that create more anxiety for an abuse survivor than being back in that role of having little or no control. Some of us are so overwhelmed by it, that we become mentally and emotionally chaotic and scattered. Others of us are so overwhelmed by it that we try to smother it with our careful control. Either way, it's a reaction to the sense of powerless and threat.

If you're a SCATTERED kind of person, you'll need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed, externally calm, and logistically in control. Face it - you already know your patterns. You know how easily the thin ice you skate on fractures. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air and being swept away by your life circumstances, take some time to problem-solve your tendencies. If you always lose your keys - then put a nail or hook by the door and put them there the minute you come in. If you perpetually lose things, lose track of time, drop important tasks - take time to develop a reasonable system (not an over-the-top-you'll-never-succeed-because-it's-too-complicated system) to increase the likelihood of staying focused and productive.

If you're a SMOTHER kind of person, you'll also need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed and externally calm. Of course, one dilemma of a highly organized and task oriented person is the positive reinforcement you receive. People may even give you high marks, high praise, or positive reports. This becomes a problem, however, when you do not take care of yourself - when you don't cultivate inner peace, calm, and compassion for yourself or others. If being punctual and organized comes at the expense of your health, your relationships, and your joy - then it ceases to serve any positive function for you. You'll burn out and it won't be pretty.

SCATTERED people need to calm down. SMOTHER people need to do the same. Both of these reactions are a response to feeling as if you have no control - as if you're vulnerable, weak, and in danger of being exploited. Eventually, both ways of living will backfire to the point that you really ARE in a position of being powerless and vulnerable.

No - I'm not saying we're all Waffle House hash browns, but I AM saying that it is important to be aware and mindful of HOW you handle stressful circumstances. Do you exacerbate them with your chaos or do you allow yourself to be consumed by the pressure to perform and conquer? Balance is the key. Personal peace, relational well-being, and spiritual health come through balance. Awareness that you feel stress and pressure gives you the upper edge so that you can strategically accomplish what is needed without sacrificing yourself or precious relationships.

Take some time this week to examine HOW you handle stressful circumstances and then do some strategic planning to correct your under-compensation or your over-compensation. Who knows - you may even want to take a trip to Waffle House and order hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country - while you do!

By the way, hash browns that are chunked, peppered, capped, topped, and country are served with ham, jalapeno peppers, mushrooms, chili, and sausage gravy, respectively.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse