Unreasonable!

If you've ever been in a relationship with an unreasonable person, you know how painful and distressing that can be. For an abuse survivor, the very fact that there is or has been abuse means there have also been unreasonable people in your life. For children living with abuse, there is unrelenting pressure to fix the problems. To keep everyone happy. To make everything okay so that bad things will no longer happen. For adults living with abuse or with the aftermath of childhood abuse, that same pressure exists. It's remarkable how responsible a victim can feel for the people and circumstances that perpetuate abuse!

A core reason that this pressure is felt so deeply is because of the false belief that you can somehow make unreasonable people reasonable. Many abuse survivors are "fixer's." In other words, they try to fix circumstances or fix people or fix themselves in order to smooth out the rough experiences that seem to surround them. The problem with this is that it is like giving an alcoholic one more drink or a dieter one more double-bacon-cheeseburger-with-fries. It will never be enough.

This is a harsh realization to come to: no matter what you do, it will never be enough. You cannot make unreasonable people happy. Sure, you can give them what they want and it will have a temporary effect, but the impact of that reprieve lasts a breathtakingly short period of time. Why? Because you cannot make unreasonable people happy!

To live as a person of peace, to be reasonable and to take personal responsibility for one’s well-being and balance can only be done by each individual. I've known people living in the direst of circumstances who still manage to find fulfillment and peace because they choose to. They choose to be kind. They choose to have boundaries. They choose to own themselves. I've also known people who lived in circumstances of opportunity and plenty who are bitter, resentful, and self-absorbed. In both of these examples, you do not have the ability, resources, or power to make these people reasonable. They either will be or won't be - but that's their decision.

I'm a firm believer in examining patterns. I believe it's important to first look inward and examine your own patterns and motivations. Self-assessment and self-awareness can help you to break unhealthy patterns. I think it is also very important to examine the patterns of behavior in those you are in relationship with. Whether your partner, your colleagues, your parents, friends, children, or family - if these important people are unreasonable, there is not much you can do to change that until they choose to change.

This reality means that you must re-adjust your own expectations of what you can and cannot do - what you will and will not do - if you are to remain in relationship with these people. This re-adjust is sometimes called "setting boundaries." What those boundaries are - only you can determine, but if you come to terms with your own limitations to make unreasonable people happy, then you can re-direct your energies to become a healthier person, yourself. This is not the same thing as becoming a self-absorbed, my-way-or-the-highway kind of person (that would make you unreasonable!). It is about recognizing that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

It is extremely important to understand this as you make your way forward on your journey beyond abuse. Yes, being compassionate, merciful, patient, and kind are vital to being a healthy human being, but there is a difference between a boundary-less doormat and a person who refuses to "throw their pearls before swine"(Matthew 7:6 in the New Testament Bible).

This week, take some time to examine the patterns in your relationships. Ask yourself if these patterns are toxic or healthy, functional or dysfunctional. Once you identify the relational patterns, then ask yourself this: Am I spending energy trying to re-arrange circumstances to make unreasonable people happy? Am I spending energy trying to become healthy, balanced, and establishing boundaries that are good for me and good for everyone else? These kinds of assessments help you to find sure footing so that you move toward healthy balance and away from toxic dysfunction.

In my own journey, I have to do this frequently. I also need the perspective of wise friends to help me see clearly - something I encourage you to do, also. I am still in relationships with unreasonable people, but I strive to maintain reasonable expectations of myself - knowing I will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or wealthy enough to make them reasonable or satisfied. That's just the way it is. I work to remain aware of that truth so that I can make wiser, healthier choices.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse