Spiritual Hunger

The burden many abuse survivors carry involves the contradictory feelings we have toward God. Ambivalence is when you have two opposite thoughts or feelings that occur at the same time about someone or something. It is the pendulum swinging back and forth between love and hate, repulsion and attraction, need and isolation. This same pendulum swing can characterize your connection with God, too.

Is it possible to be enraged with God and still hunger for that spiritual connection? Yep. In fact, it's a pretty common experience and a pretty chaotic dilemma. Sometimes Scripture can help to clarify your confusion, sometimes it can feel as if it clouds your path. There's one particular Scripture I want to examine and frame in the context of abuse recovery. It is Philippians 3:10-11. This was written by Paul and the passage seems to be packed with his own yearning for that connection we all struggle with. Paul wrote, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Let's dissect this and apply it to your spiritual journey.

I want to know Christ. Even if you're enraged with God, even if the church has been one of your most brutal abusers, you may feel this same sentiment - I want to KNOW Christ. Who he was. Who he is. What he taught. Why he lived and died as he did. Why this wonderful being experienced life in such harsh and cruel ways. It is precisely THIS spiritual hunger which yearns for that place where you KNOW - really know Christ. It is earnest and raw and real.

I want to know the power of his resurrection. Resurrection is an existence beyond death and destruction, that place of new beginnings and fresh eyes. That is spiritual yearning too. To exist beyond all the death and destruction, to find a new beginning, and to see life and yourself through fresh eyes. It is the cry of any abuse survivor - to be in a place of life, hope, and freshness.

I want to share in the fellowship of his suffering. This may not sound like a hope-filled statement, but it is. It is to be connected with a fellow traveler who knows what you know, who experienced abuse and exploitation as you have - and will take your hand and comfort you as one who knows first hand what kind of pain you're in. Isn't part of your spiritual hunger also the deep desire to be with others who understand? Those who get what's going on with you because they've experienced the same things, the same struggles, the same sorrow? It is the hunger to be understood and accepted even as you thrash in pain.

I want to become like him in his death. Woe! What? Be like him in his death?? And yet, abuse recovery is also as much about endings as new beginnings. It is about closure and grieving and walking away. It is about putting an end to old thinking, dysfunctional living, and self-sabotage. It is not about burying the truth - but about setting down an old life that has caused so much damage so that the power of resurrection becomes possible. Resurrection - in fact - is only possible with destruction that has been put down.

I want to attain the resurrection from the dead. That's honestly the destination for anyone who wants to move beyond abuse. The move from death to life. From darkness to light. From disconnection to intimate enlightenment.

So let's re-read the passage with these ideas in mind: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Spiritual hunger is not something to be starved. Sifting through the damage left by abuse, that spiritual ache - that terrible void for something bigger, kinder, and mystical - that is a hunger worth satisfying. As we honestly wrestle with that hunger - you will notice that pure love, cosmic yearning, and sacred mystery become road-signs to point you to the way forward.