How Long?

In my opinion, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (by Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg) is one of the most wistful, melancholy, angst-filled songs I've ever heard. While I love Judy Garland's version, the one that always melts my heart is sung by the late Eva Cassidy*. She seems to have nailed the longing that so many of have for something beyond what we have known. When I need to touch that place of longing in my own soul, I listen to her rendition. Not only is this song one of yearning, it is also one of hope - that there is, indeed, another place "where dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true."

The obstruction to that discovery of something beyond, seems to be the insurmountable ones of time, space, and uncertainty. In fact, the question, "How long?" is one that fills the heart of any suffering or struggling person. It is a question asked quite often in the Bible.

The psalmist asked, How long will the wicked, O Lord, how long will the wicked be jubilant? (Psalm 94:3); "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2); and "How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?" (Psalm 4:2).
Moses asked, "How long will these people treat me with contempt?" (Numbers 14:11)
Solomon asked, "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?" (Proverbs 1:22).
Job asked, "How long will you say these things? Your words are a blustering wind." (Job 8:2)
Even Jesus asked, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Mark 9:19).

I remember when I was a child, growing up in a military family during the Vietnam war, I had a calendar with numbers on each day of the year, counting backwards. We had a date my father would return from war and each day on that calendar marked one day closer to our separation ending. I also remember when I was in labor with our first child, I asked (more like screamed), "How Long?" and screamed it more than once during those long twenty-four hours!

The question, "How Long?" seems a bit more bearable when you have a target date to focus on – like a father returning from war or a baby about to be born. But for abuse survivors, there most likely is no target date. No moment fixed in time when - once you cross it - you won't struggle, won't remember, won't wince or panic or fear (I’m not speaking about heaven here!). That's when the question, "How Long?" feels as illusive as this wistful song. "How Long?" can blind you to what is happening in the present - good and bad, pleasant or difficult.

I grew up in a faith tradition very focused on the after-life, on heaven. While that may be comforting, it can be thrown out of balance if it means you fail to live this day with the importance that it deserves. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful that we have a "blessed hope" of something beyond what we know - beyond our suffering, but I also know that what we have at this moment IS . . . well . . . this moment.!

I've lived long enough (almost 56 years) to be very grateful for what I know now. I wouldn't trade my knowledge and life experiences for anything - not even being cute and twenty and strong and energetic. With time spent on this earth, we can learn how precious each day is, each relationship is, and each opportunity is. Don't get me wrong - I hate suffering as much as the next person, but as valid as the question, "How Long?" is, that's not the only question you need to ask. Other questions - whether your life circumstances are positive or negative, whether your journey is arduous or joyous - might be, "What can I learn about myself through this?" "In what ways do I need to change and grow?" "What about this is worthy of dignity and celebration?" "What about this can I use to help others in similar situations?"

One reason I think that "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is so melancholy, is that it looks THROUGH the rainbow, not at it. The truth is, from the smallest child to the oldest adult, the sight of a rainbow can take your breath away and cause you to squeal, "Look! A rainbow!" In your journey, there is beauty and wonder in each step - each painful step - on your way to find out what's beyond this moment you've got. Live it to the fullest. Extract from it all there is to have. Use it to change yourself, to alter the future, and to make a difference for others who find themselves on the same path.

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high . . . there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue . . . and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me . . . where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?"

You’ll be there someday, but for now, dear ones, be sure to catch a glimpse of that rainbow, too. It makes the “How Long?” question a bit more bearable.

*to hear Eva Cassidy's rendition of Over the Rainbow on YouTube, paste this link in your web browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8

Control Over Trauma's Legacy

"A problem that can't be solved isn't a problem - it's a fact. The problem is how to deal with the facts." Frederick H. Kanfer.

Therein lies one of the great challenges for abuse survivors - how to deal with the facts. The problem is, most of us live in an auto-pilot kind of ways - ways that we learned during abusive circumstances that served as a teacher for our behavior, thinking patterns, and feelings. This often results in self-sabotaging behavior, chaotic thinking, and unpredictable feelings. When you combine this auto-pilot way of living with the stresses of current relationships, work, finances, and health - it quickly becomes a cluttered, toxic mess.

A good exercise to help you assess how your auto-pilot is harming you is to think about a situation that was very upsetting to you. It can be recent or in the past. Be specific. Next, identify how that situation negatively impacted your feelings. In other words, what emotions do you now connect with the situation? After you identify your emotional reaction, identify the correlating dysfunctional thoughts you have or had with those emotions. Now answer this question: were those feelings and thoughts rational and sound or illogical and irrational? As you find yourself distanced from that situation, what could have been a more rational response to the dysfunctional thoughts you had at the time?

Real change - healthy change - begins when you interrupt the auto-pilot. That involves thinking about situations a bit longer before you say or do anything. It involves self-monitoring, too. An extremely helpful practice is to become an observer of yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, and the pressures that your auto-pilot is putting on you. Then monitor those things in order to keep an eye on where they go. This sounds like an enormous - and unnatural – effort, which it is! At least it is at first. It is often helpful to seek out wise friends or counselors who will help you rehearse or role play how to think and respond to triggers that remind you of the past, and to current situations that may be difficult for you to manage. It is also helpful to ask God to guide you into healthier thinking patterns.

The beauty of real change is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. There is a Scripture in the New Testament that states, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he (or she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (or her).” James 1:4-5.

The fact is that once you learn to self-monitor, to take the time to think and pray before you say or do anything - you replace the sabotaging auto-pilot with a new one - an auto-pilot who is aware, rational, and careful. As these changes take place gradually over time – with practice and determination - the cluttered, toxic mess is replaced with a more ordered, grounded, and rational way of living.

Dealing with Dysfunction

No matter how far you've come in your personal healing journey, no matter what decisions you've made or changes you've implemented, when you are in dysfunctional relationships, you've got some very real challenges. Some of these relationships may be long-standing and others may be recent additions. Some of these may be with your abusers or family-of-origin, others may be with your partner or boss or child. All of these require an extreme amount of energy to navigate through, but the dysfunctional one I want to address here is the one you may have with your abusers or your family-of-origin.

Relationships from your childhood or youth go down deep into your soul. Even if you haven't seen these people for years, they are entwined in your heart and mind. "Tangled" may be a more accurate way to say it!

I know I write about this a lot, but relationships can often make or break your progress - especially the dysfunctional ones. So let me point out the obvious:

• You already know these people. You know their habits, behavior, and attitudes. You know how quickly things will deteriorate. In fact, you can probably set your watch by it, it's so predictable. So there are few surprises. The only surprise might be good behavior!
• You already know how they push your buttons. You know what they do that drives you crazy, breaks your heart, or sends you into the closet to eat an entire cake or the bar to drink an entire bottle. In all honesty - you know how this works, so again - there are few surprises.

So to deal with dysfunction means that you recognize the obvious and adjust accordingly. Here are a few suggestions that might help you deal with the dysfunctional people in your life. Use them as a springboard to come up with your own strategies, and then stick to those plans!

1. If possible, limit your time with them. Not only face to face time, but phone time, email time, or text time.
2. Screen your calls and turn off technologies that make you accessible when you've had enough. It's better to connect when you're prepared, stable, and centered, than to feel pressured to be instantly available.
3. When (not IF, when!) they do or say the predictable, have a plan in place to keep you focused on health and peace. Build in exercise time, recreational time, or activities that you truly enjoy. Make sure your strategies are not self-destructive. If you sabotage yourself, then you don't have a strategy - you've just bought into the dysfunction.
4. Reject their negative energy. You know there are times when you can actually, physically sense the negative energy that some people project. Their angry or stressed or depressed thundercloud can literally fill a room if you let it. The moment you feel it invading your heart, mind, and body - push it away. Don't receive it. Do some deep breathing, do some deep thinking and praying, or excuse yourself and go outside for a moment. There are times when even the bathroom can become a haven from all the chaos of dysfunction. Use it if you have to for reasons other than functional! Go in there, close the door, turn on the water, and breathe deeply, stretch your muscles, and clear your mind and heart.
5. Examine why you feel obligated to these people and examine what that obligation actually means at this stage of your life. Perhaps it's time to rock the boat and stop participating in the dysfunction. Perhaps that's not an option and you need to figure out how to remain with them without going ballistic. Either way, take some time to figure out WHY you remain in toxic relationships and what you can do to keep that from becoming personally toxic to you.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but I also know it is part of being a healthier person. Boundaries, reality, and strategies go a long way in dysfunctional relationships. Take a deep breath - you're NOT going to change them. If that was possible, you already would have done so. This is about you becoming and staying healthy, regardless of how functional or dysfunctional your relationships are. These are a few suggestions to untangle this mess from your living and being. Sit with these ideas. Ask God to help you figure out your own strategies, and then follow through. As Jesus said one stormy night, “Peace, be still.”

Your Rights

There are times when abuse survivors can quickly get very confused and out-of-balance. This is particularly true when it comes to the issue of personal boundaries. How do personal boundaries work when it comes to your abusers or with those who were somehow connected to that abuse (directly or indirectly). How does that work with being a Christian?

I've seen the gambit of how this works. I've seen abuse survivors pressured by other Christians to reconcile with their abusers, pretend that nothing ever happened, and leave themselves wide open for further exploitation - or worse - leave their families open to become the next generation of victims by these people. I've also seen abuse survivors pressured to cut off anyone and everyone who had anything to do with the abuse, regardless of the circumstances. In other words, there is a lot of "all-or-nothing" advice floating around out there. Of course, these blanket, one-size-fits-all approaches rarely work because relationships and circumstances are rarely simple. It's also quite easy to tell other people what to do when you're not the one who pays the price for how those actions will be received.

The fact is that the relationships you may still have with your abusers or others who were somehow connected need to be navigated through with great awareness, wisdom, accountability, and truth. For some, your abusers may be people who should never see the light of day. They remain predatory, dangerous, manipulative, and perverted. For others, your abusers may be people who have taken responsibility for their actions, are deeply remorseful and truly penitent, and have become accountable to be supervised by others who will monitor their actions and attitudes.

One reason it is difficult to maintain boundaries with your abusers is that they violated them in the first place when they abused you! In some cases, they may STILL be violating your boundaries if you are unclear about what to do - about what your responsibilities are as a person of faith.

As you consider this, here are some boundaries that I believe you have the right to maintain with your abuser(s) and other relationships with people who were associated with the abuse (such as the passive person who did not protect you):

• You have the right to determine if and when your body is touched. (I Corinthians 6:19)
• You have the right to remove yourself from a situation where you feel degraded, devalued, or in danger. (Matthew 7:6)
• You have the right and responsibility to protect children and vulnerable adults from being abused. (Matthew 18:6; Mark 9:42; Luke 17:2)
• You have the right to withhold sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings if they will not be honored and respected. (Matthew 7:6)
• You are no longer a child. You are an adult. (I Corinthians 13:11)
• You have the right to live like an adult instead of a dependent, weak child. (I Corinthians 14:20)
• You have the right to use your voice - to express your needs and longings in a way that will honor God and protect yourself. (I Timothy 2:1)
• You have the right to say “No” and “Stop.” (Proverbs 2:11)
• You have the right to live your life to glorify God. (I Peter 2:12)
• You have the responsibility to give things that are sacred and precious only to those who understand and respect their value. (Matthew 7:6)

Let me encourage you to give consideration to these ideas - to these rights that are yours to maintain. These relationships are often not straightforward in how you're supposed to function. If you keep these individuals out of your life - out of the lives of your children and family - then there will be consequences that only you can weigh out - that only you can determine if it's worth it or not. That may be a completely appropriate and responsible course of action.

On the other hand, if you allow these individuals to have full or partial access to you and your children, there will be consequences to that decision, as well. This is not always black and white. It is in the gray areas that these boundaries and rights I have listed above may be helpful. Above all things, pray for guidance, wisdom, courage, and awareness as you consider how to proceed.

Question Authority

Right off the bat, I want to let you know that this article is NOT about politics!

I remember walking through my children's school when they were little, and a sign on one teacher's door caught my eye. It read: Question Authority. How different that message was from the one I grew up with in church, which charged children to obey authority without question. In many ways, my childhood sexual abuse took place because of this teaching. My abuser exploited that idea, groomed me to obey and comply without question, and commanded me to remain silent.

Predators know this about children. They know that children are taught to obey. They know that children are not considered fully empowered to the point that they can question those in authority. Authority such as parents, grandparents, or teachers. This is what they know and this is what they exploit. Of course, this is true not only of sexual predators, but of religious and political demagogues as well. When people believe they have absolute power which goes unchecked and unchallenged, then a climate exists for such atrocities as childhood sexual abuse or international genocide. History has plenty of examples which substantiate this. In many ways, Hitler and my abuser were the same person - one just had more power than the other - but it was the same mentality, the same exploitation, the same obscene misuse of authority.

Yes, yes, yes . . . I know that the Scriptures instruct us to obey those in authority over us, but (I know I sound like a broken record here) balance is the key. We're also given instructions to take time to study a situation, to stand up for our beliefs rather than bow to a contradictory belief, and to do everything within our power to make sure that social justice is protected for all. Blind obedience to people is just not the overarching message of the Judeo-Christian belief systems.

Our children will continue to be groomed by predators if we don't prepare them for the reality that there are some people in this world they do NOT have to obey. They are sitting ducks if we don't help them have a strategy - to help them think through what is appropriate and inappropriate - to help them determine what their safety net is, who they can go to for help, and even rehearse the words they can use if someone in authority attempts to exploit them. I believe this can be taught in a way that is entirely compatible with the teachings of the Scriptures - teaching respect for authority, respect for wisdom, and respect for power.

Questioning authority is not synonymous with rebellion. It is raising up people who can think for themselves. People who - as children - are empowered to say to an inappropriate pastor or a teacher or a parent, "No! You cannot touch me like that!" People who - as adults - can say, "No! You cannot oppress the poor! You cannot violate human rights!"

When children are taught to comply without question - even if that means they are sexually abused - they can become adults who continue down the path of re-victimization. Adults who are afraid to challenge anyone may find themselves once again lost to an ideology that diminishes their gifts, their value, and their potential. Adults who do not question authority may also be adults who do not defend their own children from predators. Adults who follow blindly will never discover the freedom that Christ showed through example. He shook things up. He turned tables over in the temple. He exposed abusive power. He taught everyone that rules are guidelines that sometimes do not make sense if they are obeyed without question (think about his healing on the Sabbath, for instance).

When those in authority - whether they rule over little people or over nations - misuse and exploit that power, it is our obligation to question. It is also our obligation to empower our children so they know how that is done. If we don't prepare them - if we don't practice this in our own lives - then they will be devoured, not as sacrificial lambs, but as exploited victims of unquestioned authority.

Whack-a-Mole God

The negative impact of abuse is far reaching. That's obvious. Spiritually, trauma can often obstruct the comforting journey that so many other people seem to have with God, but that bypasses you. Of course, there are many reasons for this, but the primary ones have to do with shame, powerful secrets, and dark emotions.

Abuse recovery involves actively challenging thoughts that tear you down, rather than build you up. For many of us, the way we think about God is actually quite destructive. God is seen as distant and cruel. Harsh and punishing. Suspicious and volatile. Some of these views may come from the kind of faith tradition you grew up with, but that may not be the entire story. Others may come from abuse's contamination of your spiritual journey.

To challenge this "Whack-a-Mole" view of God requires balance and respect for your walk with God. Yes, there are behaviors and actions that are not condoned in the Bible (or many other kinds of sacred writings). Yes, there are standards for living that are vigorously taught and practiced by many faith traditions which bring about the labeling of "moral" or "immoral." There is nothing wrong with these teachings or practices unless they become unbalanced and confused with the nature of God - which is love.

Love must remain at the core of all moral standards, faith practices, and religious rituals. That is vital if you're going to move beyond abuse with a healthy soul. In the Hebrew Bible, there are reminders of God's love, such as the passage that reads, "The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made" (Psalm 145:9). In the New Testament Bible, the concept of God as love is emphatically taught in passages such as 1 John 4:16, which reads "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love."

God isn't lurking behind a bush or around the corner waiting to catch you doing something wrong. God isn't floating around the cosmos rubbing his hands together just hoping you blow it so that you can be jumped. God doesn't sit on the edge of a cloud with a giant mallet playing Whack-a-Mole with you. Those are inaccurate - and ultimately destructive - thoughts that will rob you of a full, enriching, and comforting journey with God.

Those dark, powerful secrets from your abuse can keep you in a perpetual spiritual state of fear and dread, leaving you with a sense that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. That's where abuse spills over onto what is meant to be a liberating journey. It's slavery. It's dysfunctional thinking that has nothing to do with morality or standards of faith. It contradicts everything Christ came to do in our lives. After all, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).

The Whack-a-Mole God doesn't exist. Challenge that thought every chance you get. Remind yourself - often - that the God who loves, accepts, embraces, and celebrates you - THAT's the God who DOES exist!


Seminar Discounts

For a VERY LIMITED TIME, we're offering deep discounts if your church or organization schedules one or more seminars for 2010. Committed to Freedom provides people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Each seminar will be offered for $750 and the sponsor will not be charged for the use of our one-time print permit to produce the required participant workbooks!

You must have these seminars scheduled no later than January 1, 2010. The required non-refundable deposit of $100 must be received by then as well. In addition to the seminar fees, sponsors are also required to cover the presenter's travel, lodging, and meals. At this time, I will be the presenter of the scheduled seminars in 2010. I hold a B.A. in Pastoral Ministries and an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling.

We offer three seminars (1) Responsible Care Training Seminar, (2) Beyond Abuse Seminar, and (3) Spirituality and Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery. Take full advantage of this rare opportunity to offer our life-changing, empowering - and now - more affordable seminars to your community!

Meds?

Taking medications for depression or anxiety is sometimes met with great resistance - particularly by people of faith. I want to address a few of those issues. Please understand that I'm not advising what you should or should not do. I'm just giving you a few of my thoughts, particularly about the spiritual implications of taking meds for emotional or mental issues.

First, let's begin with the facts. The fact is that trauma sends your body into a series of chemical chain reactions that can quickly cause a toxic imbalance. Each time you have a flashback from that original trauma, the same chemical chain reactions take place all over again. The imbalance continues, and that sets off a whole series of physical reactions that can cause real damage over time. You'll see this manifested in gastro-intestinal, neurological, or muscular malfunction, to name a few.

For many people, the emotional pain they're in is so debilitating they can't even begin to work on correcting wrong thinking, exploring abuse issues, or addressing unhealthy, sabotaging choices. That's why doctors and therapists often prescribe medication - to control the emotional pain so that the hard work of abuse recovery can begin.

People of faith often confuse emotional and mental problems with spiritual conditions. Let me be clear - there are certainly times when the condition of your spirit will deeply impact your emotions or mental health. For that matter, there are times when your spiritual condition can affect how your body works, too. This is because we're not pieces of a whole - we're a complex set of systems that must work together - one system affecting another which affects another which affects yet another. We get in trouble when this beautiful system of give-and-take gets out of balance.

I've heard ideas about taking medications - particularly medications for emotional pain - that deeply trouble me because of their glaring inconsistencies with other choices made when living with the benefits of a modern world. I've heard teachings that say if you take medication - any medication - then you don't have faith in God. This is inconsistent with examples found in the Bible where people used their wisdom, knowledge, and experiences to help alleviate suffering. Even the Apostle Paul told Timothy to drink a bit of wine for his stomach problems (1 Timothy 5:23). In other words - something created by skilled people could be used to alleviate Timothy's frequent illnesses (please note - this article is NOT about wine - it's about people using their knowledge and creativity to bring about change).

If taking medications is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should live in a cave without power or plumbing or lights because buildings and electricity and water supplies and toilets were invented by people. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, you should walk everywhere barefooted because shoes were invented by people to protect your feet. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should only eat food that you've picked from the wild or caught with your bare hands because farming, hunting, and fishing were invented by people. You'll not be able to cook anything, because fire was an invention of people. The fact that you're reading this article from a computer indicates you have no problem using the creative God-given power of invention.


Like electric lights or bicycles or the alphabet or grain millstones, God has given people an enormous capacity to learn, invent, and improve the quality of life. This capacity includes the invention of medications. Some of those medications cure infections. Some control blood pressure. Some correct brain chemistry so that emotional balance can be restored.

Like everything else, there's balance to this discussion. I've seen people so drugged out on psychiatric medication that they're almost like zombies. To me - that's as troubling as people who refuse to take medication when they need to. I've seen lazy doctors who would rather write a prescription than get to the source of a problem. I've seen people who only take advantage of part of the healing process - they take medication but don't work on faulty thinking or abuse recovery work - all of which takes a HUGE amount of personal energy and commitment to change.

God has given people the ability to alleviate suffering, to improve the quality of life, and to overcome otherwise devastating circumstances. That's the ultimate understanding of a life of faith. When we realize that the wheel was a good invention, we also realize that God gave us an enormous capacity to learn, reason, and create – even to create medication that can do tremendous good when used appropriately.

The decision to take meds for the emotional issues you have - particularly if you've experienced abuse - is very personal and very complicated. You'll need the diagnosis of a good physician, the guidance of a good counselor, and the personal commitment to do the hard work of becoming healthier. You may benefit from appropriate medications taken for a brief period of time. You may need medications for an extended period of time. You may never need that kind of assistance at all. Everyone is different. What works for you may not be appropriate for anyone else, and vice versa.

You are a spiritual, physical, and emotional being. All of those systems are delicately balanced to work together. When trauma - like abuse – interrupts that balance, steps will need to be taken to bring order back to that unfair chaos. Sometimes that will involve medications. Sometimes it will involve meditation or prayer. Sometimes it will involve exercise and a good night's sleep. Talk to your doctor. Do some research about alternative medicine too - such as homeopathic treatment. Learn about options that might be available and be very proactive in taking control of your life. Above all things – tend to your spirit and nurture it back to health, just as you nurture your mind, emotions, and body.