It's Complicated

Nothing sends me into orbit quicker than statements from clueless people, especially when it comes to the issues of sexual trauma. Let me say at the beginning that most clueless people are not trying to be malicious - they're just clueless. However, ignorance doesn't make their words or opinions any less hurtful. I've found it necessary to dig my nails in - white knuckled at times - as these un-informed, self-appointed advisors pass judgment or let me know what they'd do if they were me. Well . . . they aren't me and they haven't earned the right to judge - at least not by the standards they use. They aren't you, either.

Sexual trauma - regardless of the circumstances - is complicated. What makes it particularly complicated is context, relationships, age, response, and circumstances. If the perpetrator is a relative, it's quite possible that you feel some kind of affection for her or him, or even protective. It's also possible that you never want to see that person again and that you are disgusted or repulsed with every fiber of your being. Clueless people will tell you to either “forgive and forget” or to abandon these relationships completely. It doesn't always work that way - and that's part of the inner pressure you may feel.

If the perpetrator lurked in the shadows and suddenly took advantage of an opportunity to have access to you, clueless people will say things like, "It could have been worse" or "Just get over it and think happy thoughts." They don't understand that you are struggling with the “I-should-have, would-have, could-have” syndrome - second guessing your actions and your responses, questioning why you were targeted, or wondering if you're partly to blame for being in the vicinity of the shadow-monster. It takes time to sort through these thoughts and land on your feet. Clueless people don't understand that this is a difficult, complicated process.

If the perpetrator systematically groomed you - set you up with attention, favors, kindness, and affection - they exploit your needs for acceptance and inclusion. Clueless people will look at the outcome of this grooming and assume there was willingness and cooperation on your part. They won't recognize the grooming, the set up, or the strategic manipulation that placed you in the position of being victimized and exploited. This is often even more hurtful to you when the perpetrator has also manipulated everyone else around you. It also means that clueless people have no idea what they're looking at or who they’re dealing with - even when it's right in front of them. Perpetrators who groom are often so skilled at controlling others’ perception and cooperation - that people are actually charmed by them and sympathetic toward them. Being the victim of systematic grooming is a very difficult role to move beyond. It takes a while to know the truth, to recognize the grooming and set up, and to let yourself off the hook. Clueless people may even blame you because manipulators are so charismatic.

Recovery from sexual trauma is always a process. I've found it necessary to develop a pretty resilient shell when it comes to clueless people. I had to learn that my experiences are unique to me and extremely complicated. I had to cut myself some slack when clueless friends and family weighed in. I had to set some boundaries and use my voice to lay down the ground rules for their input and advice giving. I also had to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were operating out of ignorance due to a lack of similar experiences (thank God!!), and without malice - at least at the beginning!

Whether you've been groomed, suddenly assaulted, or kept by a perpetrator - it's always complicated. The situations are complicated. Your responses, decisions, and actions are also complicated. There is nothing about recovery that is simple. NOTHING! You're not dealing with a checker board of only black and white squares and specifically designated moves. What works for you may not work for others. What decisions you make may not be appropriate for anyone else. Your responses took place in a context of circumstances, age, and relationships. Let me repeat: nothing is simple. Recovery is complicated - and there will always be clueless people in your life that do not have the capacity to grasp that.

In your journey beyond abuse and trauma, be prepared for clueless people. Expect it, because when you do, it lessens the potential to derail your progress. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to have wise, informed, and aware people around to get you through the debris of trauma? Of course - but that's not always available to you. Take a deep breath, determine if their motives are good or not, and take this at your own pace, in your own way. And above all things, realize that it's complicated and that it takes awhile to regain your balance and strength.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse