Scattered 'n Smothered

There are members of my immediate family who have a tradition of going to Waffle House every Christmas for breakfast. Now, I admit that I love the ambiance of Waffle House because the patrons, the staff, and the food are consistently colorful. One of the great things about this restaurant chain's "charm" is that the food servers call out the orders to the "chef," who repeats the order. There is a Waffle House code for hash brown potato preparation that gives the order for how those 'taters are prepared. Scattered, smothered, covered, and diced means hash brown potatoes that are scattered in oil on the grill and served with sautéed onions, melted cheese, and grilled tomatoes.

For an abuse survivor, being SCATTERED has another meaning altogether. It means that you aren't focused, rational, or at peace. You may feel like you've been scattered on a hot grill and sautéed in oil, but the real issue is the mental chaos that interferes significantly with how you function. You're easily distracted. You are disorganized. You lose or misplace everything. You always run late. You drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

On the other hand, other abuse survivors are just the opposite. You SMOTHER. You're so intense and focused that no one can keep up with you. You stay on target, on message, or on mission. You're so organized that you leave absolutely NOTHING to chance. You know exactly where everything you need is at all times and even make a mental note of where others place items that you know they'll eventually need. You are punctual or even early to everything. And - by the way - you too drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

To be an abuse survivor means that at some point - when you were vulnerable, needy, and weak - you experienced trauma, secrets, danger, and exploitation that rendered you powerless. That's how abuse happens - someone with more power - be it physical or relational - misused their power and robbed you of yours. There aren't very many situations that create more anxiety for an abuse survivor than being back in that role of having little or no control. Some of us are so overwhelmed by it, that we become mentally and emotionally chaotic and scattered. Others of us are so overwhelmed by it that we try to smother it with our careful control. Either way, it's a reaction to the sense of powerless and threat.

If you're a SCATTERED kind of person, you'll need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed, externally calm, and logistically in control. Face it - you already know your patterns. You know how easily the thin ice you skate on fractures. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air and being swept away by your life circumstances, take some time to problem-solve your tendencies. If you always lose your keys - then put a nail or hook by the door and put them there the minute you come in. If you perpetually lose things, lose track of time, drop important tasks - take time to develop a reasonable system (not an over-the-top-you'll-never-succeed-because-it's-too-complicated system) to increase the likelihood of staying focused and productive.

If you're a SMOTHER kind of person, you'll also need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed and externally calm. Of course, one dilemma of a highly organized and task oriented person is the positive reinforcement you receive. People may even give you high marks, high praise, or positive reports. This becomes a problem, however, when you do not take care of yourself - when you don't cultivate inner peace, calm, and compassion for yourself or others. If being punctual and organized comes at the expense of your health, your relationships, and your joy - then it ceases to serve any positive function for you. You'll burn out and it won't be pretty.

SCATTERED people need to calm down. SMOTHER people need to do the same. Both of these reactions are a response to feeling as if you have no control - as if you're vulnerable, weak, and in danger of being exploited. Eventually, both ways of living will backfire to the point that you really ARE in a position of being powerless and vulnerable.

No - I'm not saying we're all Waffle House hash browns, but I AM saying that it is important to be aware and mindful of HOW you handle stressful circumstances. Do you exacerbate them with your chaos or do you allow yourself to be consumed by the pressure to perform and conquer? Balance is the key. Personal peace, relational well-being, and spiritual health come through balance. Awareness that you feel stress and pressure gives you the upper edge so that you can strategically accomplish what is needed without sacrificing yourself or precious relationships.

Take some time this week to examine HOW you handle stressful circumstances and then do some strategic planning to correct your under-compensation or your over-compensation. Who knows - you may even want to take a trip to Waffle House and order hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country - while you do!

By the way, hash browns that are chunked, peppered, capped, topped, and country are served with ham, jalapeno peppers, mushrooms, chili, and sausage gravy, respectively.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Me? Afraid?

I remember sitting in my counselor's office in the early stages of dealing with my abuse. I was going through the laundry list of all the things I was afraid of. She looked at me and said, "Perfect love casts away fear." Well, she might as well have toss ice water in my face! I was shocked! There I was - a spiritual leader, a strong Christian, and my secular therapist had the nerve to use MY book (the Bible) to jar me speechless.

The Scripture that she used was part of 1 John 4:18 (New Testament Bible). It reads this way: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The fact is, most abuse survivors are paralyzed by fear. Some of us stay as hidden as possible from the things that cause us to feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable. Others of us fight any and every one/thing that comes our way (so that we won't feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable). Either way, fear is a core issue for abuse survivors. We work hard to numb it, run from it, or attack it. You may even rotate between all three!

Fear is not always a bad thing. Fear warns you of danger. Fear gives you common sense and re-routes otherwise foolish circumstances or relationships. But the fear I had, the fear you may still struggle with was NOT an ally. It's a paralyzing dominatrix. It drives everyone around you crazy. It drives you to the brink of a complete breakdown. It hinders you from being a truly free human being and controls what kind of parent, lover, friend, and colleague you are.

When I recovered from my speechless moment with the counselor, I could feel the pressure building in my heart. It was true. I was afraid AND I was clueless about that kind of love. I blurted out, "But there is so much to be afraid of!" Scenes of my own abuse. Fears of my children being abused, of not being wanted or needed by people who were important to me, and of not measuring up to what I thought God required of me - it all crashed inside me like tectonic plates that lead to an earthquake.

"Exactly." she said. That began a new season of exploration - of sifting out legitimate, rational fear from irrational and unfounded fear. I discovered much about myself in that process. I recognized that many of my relational issues - how I relate to others - were guided by my own fears of being unwanted or unnecessary. I recognized that most of my parenting issues - how I parented, established and enforced rules, and allowed my children to grow - were due to my fears of their safety based on my own lack of safety when I was abused. I even recognized that my relationship with God and how I lived out that relationship was dominated by fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not being righteous enough. Enough! Enough! Enough!

Love is an interesting ingredient to this issue of fear. Love for and from others. Love for and from God. Love for and from self. It is interesting because in this context it implies trust. If you trust people you are close to, then you're not afraid of their motives or behaviors. If you trust God's love and goodness, then performance and harshness are not factors in how you live out your faith. If you trust yourself, then you are confident in your ability to make wise choices and live in a healthy, constructive, and balanced way.

Take some time this week to examine your fears - I mean REALLY examine them. Are your fears due to legitimate concerns and issues or are the carry-overs from your past? Are your fears a reflex reaction or are they a reasoned response? Are they irrational or well-founded? Where does love (and/or trust) factor in to your fears or lack of them?

Self-examination is a valid process in moving beyond abuse. So much of what abuse survivors think and do is on “auto-pilot,” more-or-less. Because fear is often such a big issue for abuse survivors, constructing a solid understanding of love and trust, and how they factor in to your fears and courage go a long way in helping you to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse