Me? Afraid?

I remember sitting in my counselor's office in the early stages of dealing with my abuse. I was going through the laundry list of all the things I was afraid of. She looked at me and said, "Perfect love casts away fear." Well, she might as well have toss ice water in my face! I was shocked! There I was - a spiritual leader, a strong Christian, and my secular therapist had the nerve to use MY book (the Bible) to jar me speechless.

The Scripture that she used was part of 1 John 4:18 (New Testament Bible). It reads this way: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The fact is, most abuse survivors are paralyzed by fear. Some of us stay as hidden as possible from the things that cause us to feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable. Others of us fight any and every one/thing that comes our way (so that we won't feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable). Either way, fear is a core issue for abuse survivors. We work hard to numb it, run from it, or attack it. You may even rotate between all three!

Fear is not always a bad thing. Fear warns you of danger. Fear gives you common sense and re-routes otherwise foolish circumstances or relationships. But the fear I had, the fear you may still struggle with was NOT an ally. It's a paralyzing dominatrix. It drives everyone around you crazy. It drives you to the brink of a complete breakdown. It hinders you from being a truly free human being and controls what kind of parent, lover, friend, and colleague you are.

When I recovered from my speechless moment with the counselor, I could feel the pressure building in my heart. It was true. I was afraid AND I was clueless about that kind of love. I blurted out, "But there is so much to be afraid of!" Scenes of my own abuse. Fears of my children being abused, of not being wanted or needed by people who were important to me, and of not measuring up to what I thought God required of me - it all crashed inside me like tectonic plates that lead to an earthquake.

"Exactly." she said. That began a new season of exploration - of sifting out legitimate, rational fear from irrational and unfounded fear. I discovered much about myself in that process. I recognized that many of my relational issues - how I relate to others - were guided by my own fears of being unwanted or unnecessary. I recognized that most of my parenting issues - how I parented, established and enforced rules, and allowed my children to grow - were due to my fears of their safety based on my own lack of safety when I was abused. I even recognized that my relationship with God and how I lived out that relationship was dominated by fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not being righteous enough. Enough! Enough! Enough!

Love is an interesting ingredient to this issue of fear. Love for and from others. Love for and from God. Love for and from self. It is interesting because in this context it implies trust. If you trust people you are close to, then you're not afraid of their motives or behaviors. If you trust God's love and goodness, then performance and harshness are not factors in how you live out your faith. If you trust yourself, then you are confident in your ability to make wise choices and live in a healthy, constructive, and balanced way.

Take some time this week to examine your fears - I mean REALLY examine them. Are your fears due to legitimate concerns and issues or are the carry-overs from your past? Are your fears a reflex reaction or are they a reasoned response? Are they irrational or well-founded? Where does love (and/or trust) factor in to your fears or lack of them?

Self-examination is a valid process in moving beyond abuse. So much of what abuse survivors think and do is on “auto-pilot,” more-or-less. Because fear is often such a big issue for abuse survivors, constructing a solid understanding of love and trust, and how they factor in to your fears and courage go a long way in helping you to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse