Emotional Tsunami

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It's Complicated

Nothing sends me into orbit quicker than statements from clueless people, especially when it comes to the issues of sexual trauma. Let me say at the beginning that most clueless people are not trying to be malicious - they're just clueless. However, ignorance doesn't make their words or opinions any less hurtful. I've found it necessary to dig my nails in - white knuckled at times - as these un-informed, self-appointed advisors pass judgment or let me know what they'd do if they were me. Well . . . they aren't me and they haven't earned the right to judge - at least not by the standards they use. They aren't you, either.

Sexual trauma - regardless of the circumstances - is complicated. What makes it particularly complicated is context, relationships, age, response, and circumstances. If the perpetrator is a relative, it's quite possible that you feel some kind of affection for her or him, or even protective. It's also possible that you never want to see that person again and that you are disgusted or repulsed with every fiber of your being. Clueless people will tell you to either “forgive and forget” or to abandon these relationships completely. It doesn't always work that way - and that's part of the inner pressure you may feel.

If the perpetrator lurked in the shadows and suddenly took advantage of an opportunity to have access to you, clueless people will say things like, "It could have been worse" or "Just get over it and think happy thoughts." They don't understand that you are struggling with the “I-should-have, would-have, could-have” syndrome - second guessing your actions and your responses, questioning why you were targeted, or wondering if you're partly to blame for being in the vicinity of the shadow-monster. It takes time to sort through these thoughts and land on your feet. Clueless people don't understand that this is a difficult, complicated process.

If the perpetrator systematically groomed you - set you up with attention, favors, kindness, and affection - they exploit your needs for acceptance and inclusion. Clueless people will look at the outcome of this grooming and assume there was willingness and cooperation on your part. They won't recognize the grooming, the set up, or the strategic manipulation that placed you in the position of being victimized and exploited. This is often even more hurtful to you when the perpetrator has also manipulated everyone else around you. It also means that clueless people have no idea what they're looking at or who they’re dealing with - even when it's right in front of them. Perpetrators who groom are often so skilled at controlling others’ perception and cooperation - that people are actually charmed by them and sympathetic toward them. Being the victim of systematic grooming is a very difficult role to move beyond. It takes a while to know the truth, to recognize the grooming and set up, and to let yourself off the hook. Clueless people may even blame you because manipulators are so charismatic.

Recovery from sexual trauma is always a process. I've found it necessary to develop a pretty resilient shell when it comes to clueless people. I had to learn that my experiences are unique to me and extremely complicated. I had to cut myself some slack when clueless friends and family weighed in. I had to set some boundaries and use my voice to lay down the ground rules for their input and advice giving. I also had to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were operating out of ignorance due to a lack of similar experiences (thank God!!), and without malice - at least at the beginning!

Whether you've been groomed, suddenly assaulted, or kept by a perpetrator - it's always complicated. The situations are complicated. Your responses, decisions, and actions are also complicated. There is nothing about recovery that is simple. NOTHING! You're not dealing with a checker board of only black and white squares and specifically designated moves. What works for you may not work for others. What decisions you make may not be appropriate for anyone else. Your responses took place in a context of circumstances, age, and relationships. Let me repeat: nothing is simple. Recovery is complicated - and there will always be clueless people in your life that do not have the capacity to grasp that.

In your journey beyond abuse and trauma, be prepared for clueless people. Expect it, because when you do, it lessens the potential to derail your progress. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to have wise, informed, and aware people around to get you through the debris of trauma? Of course - but that's not always available to you. Take a deep breath, determine if their motives are good or not, and take this at your own pace, in your own way. And above all things, realize that it's complicated and that it takes awhile to regain your balance and strength.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Hijacked

It's no secret that sexual trauma is a thief. The experience of assault and abuse steals a great deal from victims. Innocence. Freedom. Health. Safety. Relationships. The list varies, but there is always loss.

A particularly troubling loss is to your calendar - your seasons - your special days. If Valentine's Day twelve years ago ended in rape, then the significance of that day changes for you. If your birthday celebration turned into an opportunity for predators to molest you, your birthday becomes tainted by their actions. If the night of your high school graduation included assault and terror, then that accomplishment has been overshadowed by pain and fear. If Sunday afternoons after church gave relatives an excuse to abuse you, then the "Day the Lord Has Made" feels as if it was made for weeping, not for worship. If you were preyed upon when going out with friends or walking down a street, you may think you were to blame for an attack because you were there, having fun. (Please NOTE: the person responsible for any abuse, assault, or attack is the perpetrator, NOT the victim!!)

Recovery is about taking back what you a right to. It is about refusing to relinquish your holidays or special occasions to the thief. It is about reclaiming your body as your own, your right to be who you are, and your seasons to enjoy as you see fit. You cannot be passive about this. No one will give you these things - you must militantly reclaim them as yours.

Our Co-Director, Anne, was brutally raped many years ago on Halloween. The fun, the costumes, the silly trick-or-treating - all of it had the potential to invoke only pain for the rest of her life, and that would be understandable. But Anne did something revolutionary. She refused to let the vile animals that did this to her hijack the day. How did she do that? Well, every Halloween, she throws a HUGE party, decorates her house so elaborately that it stops traffic, and dresses in costumes with her friends and family, enjoying treats and special times of fun. In other words, the day that was hijacked - she took back!

Yes, trauma is a thief. A brutal, cruel thief. There is nothing to make light of. To shrug it off, to push it deep inside, or to deny the loss will only hijack all of your future days, seasons, and moments. There is loss, but there can also be gain if you make the decision to reclaim what you have every right to.

An important aspect of this reclamation process, is that the timing has to be right for YOU - when you're ready. At first, it may feel forced or false, but the key is to aggressively claim what is yours!

There is a time to mourn and to remember. There is a time to reflect and heal. And there is a time to radically take back what is yours - be it attending a religious service, Valentine's Day, Sunday afternoons, the first day of springs, or walking down any street you want to!

In the Hebrew Bible, there is a beautiful promise from God that states, "“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25). Trauma hijacks the ordinary every day moments and the large celebratory ones too. You have been empowered by God to take those back and reclaim them as yours.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Advent's Trauma

(This is the second in a series of three articles about Advent as we prepare our hearts for Christmas: (1) Advent's Journey, (2) Advent's Trauma, and (3) Advent's Celebration.)

The arrival of Jesus was declared to be "good news." He was given the title of Prince of Peace, and yet, there was anything but peace taking place around the events of his birth. Joseph, when he heard the Virgin Mary was pregnant, considered a quiet divorce* from her (a kinder option than having her stoned to death), the land was occupied by a brutal regime, and they were issued harsh requirements to travel far from home and give birth in a barn. All of these were certainly traumatic! Not yet fully realized by Mary and Joseph was the very real threat that Jesus' birth posed.

Later in his life, his presence would prove so threatening to religious leaders that they would have him assassinated, but from birth, he was perceived to be a threat by a civil king, too. You're probably familiar with the Christmas story about the Magi (probably astrologers from Persia) who stopped in to see King Herod (Matthew 2:1-18). They were on a quest to find Jesus - the King of the Jews - which Herod found so threatening that he had all the boys under the age of two in and around Bethlehem slaughtered, hoping that this infant king would be killed too. I can't imagine the horrific scene or the overwhelming heartache that took place as his orders were carried out.

Abuse is about trauma. It happens because people do terrible things to each other. It happens because the weak and vulnerable are crushed by those who misuse their power. It happens when compassion and empathy are not part of the cultural or personal equation of small-minded people.

In your journey beyond abuse, it is easy to be consumed by the trauma of your experiences. It is easy to feel threatened by the past. It is easy to become brutal or paranoid or calloused. It is easy to forget who you are or to run away from making that discovery, but I want you to know that there is also great joy in this journey.

The arrival of Jesus was, indeed, "good news." Despite all the cruelty, the tarnished reputations, or the harsh circumstances, the presence of Christ was and still is good news. In fact, against that brutal backdrop, the Prince of Peace especially shines bright in contrast to trauma as a beacon showing us another way.

The trauma of your abuse has the very real potential of turning you into an equally heartless predator, but it also can be used to propel you forward and away - beyond it. I realize this is an allegorical parallel, but the fact remains, that "the people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned" (Isaiah 9:2, Hebrew Bible).

As you walk on your journey beyond trauma - beyond abuse - you may feel as if you're walking in darkness. That's when it is most important to lift your eyes, focus on that star in the east (or west or north or south!) and follow that light through the trauma - the shadow of death - and into the dawn. Your dawn begins the moment you choose to take a different road than the cruel, the paranoid, or the calloused. Your dawn takes place when you follow the Prince of Peace and become – like him - a magnificent being of depth, compassion, empathy, and kindness.

*Betrothal during the era of Jesus’ birth was considered to be marriage that had not yet been consummated.

Next week we will look at Advent's Celebration and the parallels to your journey beyond abuse.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Advent's Journey

(This is the first in a series of three articles about Advent as we prepare our hearts for Christmas: (1) Advent's Journey, (2) Advent's Trauma, and (3) Advent's Celebration.)

You would think that the task of bringing Jesus into the world would have qualified for a first class ticket in a deluxe camel caravan suite, but that wasn't the way it worked out for Mary and Joseph. From the beginning, there were no free passes for Jesus or his family. I've often tried to place myself in their shoes (or sandals). Of course, at this time of year, pastors and choirs and made-for-television Christmas specials examine every Christmas possibility, but this isn't going to be a detailed exploration of those reflections. Instead, from the perspective of an abuse survivor, I want to explore the parallel journey you are on as you make your way to a life beyond abuse.

Unsettling news was what prompted the journey of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem. Mary's pregnancy and Joseph's response bound them together to complete an incredibly difficult mission. They were suddenly placed in a situation where society might reject them, where family might deny them, and where trust might never form between them. Their truth had the potential to isolate and possibly endanger their status and well-being.

When you, as an abuse survivor, finally acknowledge the unsettling truth about your experiences . . . when you rock the boat, shatter the secrets, and are emboldened to reclaim your life - you will be launched on a journey that has the potential to isolate and change how others see and they relate to you. This is a good thing, but it is also unsettling and life changing. However, to begin the process of moving beyond abuse will means that you have been prompted to take that first step. Making that decision - acting upon that decision - changes everything. Is there risk involved? Absolutely! You risk rejection, isolation, and perhaps even retribution. You also risk discovering the deepest levels of strength, love, beautiful people, and personal empowerment.

Under the circumstances, the journey was difficult. Mary was in the late term of her pregnancy; Joseph - knowing Who she was pregnant with - was responsible for her safe passage to Bethlehem. Not only that, but they lived under oppressive civil authority that required them to take this journey, and under rigid religious authority that eventually used their rules to crucify this child who was about to be born. However, they did not make this trip alone. There were others in equally difficult circumstances that travelled in this caravan toward Bethlehem.

The journey beyond abuse is always difficult. The circumstances - the actual abuse, your relationship dynamics, and the damage that you carry - create tremendous challenges to find safe passage to a life of peace, health, and balance. It is possible that you may encounter oppressive and rigid people who will not facilitate your progress, but throw further obstacles in your way. It is also possible that you will discover people on the same path who are willing to walk along side you as you travel.

At the journey's end – once the arrived in Bethlehem - it looked nothing like Mary and Joseph imagined. They expected to stay at an inn. Instead - thanks to the kindness of a stranger, the innkeeper - they were ushered to a stable where Mary gave birth amid donkeys and sheep and chickens and hay. I’ve read commentary on this that states the stable was actually a much better environment for Mary and Joseph than the inn. Rather than being crammed in a crowded inn with others, they were given the privacy and space they needed for the birth of Jesus.

People are often surprised by what they find when they move beyond abuse. It's probable that we all start out with some idea of what being healthy and balanced will look like, but it's also quite probable that the reality of journey's end will look quite different from that initial expectation. Being healthy might mean the beginning of a new relationship or the ending of an old one. It might mean changing personal habits or occupations or locations. Being balanced might completely alter the way you interact with others or how you reconnect with God. As you grow healthier, as you move further beyond abuse, you will discover that that which once occupied center-stage of your attention and your life - your abuse - will move to the side until it no longer defines you.

How wonderful it would have been for Mary and Joseph had there been a luxury train and a beautiful birthing suite for their journey to Bethlehem. How much easier it would have been if the angel of the Lord had appeared to all of their friends and leaders to let them know exactly Who was on his way and how this family should receive royal treatment at every juncture of the situation. But this was not to be for Mary and Joseph and Jesus. No short-cuts. No easy passage. No accommodation for these unique circumstances. This was a difficult journey in difficult circumstances.

You can spend all of your energy waiting for the luxury liner to pick you up and transport you to a fantasy destination, but that won't accomplish the new life you seek on this journey beyond abuse. Something has happened to you that is unsettling, inconvenient, and often quite painful. To move beyond abuse means that you embrace that reality and put one foot in front of the other because you KNOW there is more for your life than dysfunction, hopelessness, and chaos.

Why the human experience of men and women who do extraordinary things is so difficult remains a mystery. Mary and Joseph were given a remarkable privilege to participate in God's redemption of this world. You have also been given a remarkable privilege - to reclaim your life and find personal empowerment, health, and balance. That is no easy task, but when you take your life back into your hands - and out of your abusers' hands - you will be filled with awe and wonder. You will witness intimate miracles that few people could ever imagine. You will be in the presence of a miracle, of redemption, and of hope.

One final thought. This journey's struggle came about because average people made themselves available to do something extraordinary, and in that process, they were changed forever with the arrival of Christ. As you make yourself available to do something extraordinary, you, too, will be forever changed as you participate in life, following the path well-worn by the Prince of Peace.

Next week we will look at Advent's Trauma and the parallels with your journey beyond abuse.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Abolishing Slavery

In the United States, we are marking the 150th anniversary of the American Civil War. One consequence of that conflict was the Emancipation Proclamation, which ended legal slavery. However, before that dream became a reality, there were many courageous people who helped slaves escape from their slave-owners and find passage to freedom. This passage became known as The Underground Railroad and one of its chief engineers was an escaped slaved named Harriet Tubman. I have to tell you that she is one of my all time heroes, but it wasn't just because of her involvement in The Underground Railroad. It was because of her militancy for freedom. (Click here to read more about her.)

Having been a slave, herself . . . having been permanently damaged by the abuse she suffered at the hands of her masters, she had almost insurmountable odds to overcome - just to live! But this pit-bull of a woman refused to remain a slave to her circumstances. She escaped and found her way to freedom, where she could have remained safe, but that was still not enough for her. Not enough because there were still those just like her who remained enslaved, hence the intensity of her mission and life work.

Harriet Tubman once made a statement that perfectly summarizes the struggles of all abuse survivors when she said, "I freed hundreds of slaves. I could have freed hundreds more had they only known they were slaves."
Perhaps one of the greatest challenges you face is recognizing the parts of your life - your mind, soul, body, and relationships - that are still enslaved. Let's face it - the legacy of abuse tends to keep how we live on a kind of "auto-pilot" in which you mindlessly obey the damage and don't even notice that you're not free. It is only when you've been conquered by it just once too many times that you become aware that you are still owned by it - owned by the damage and dysfunction. The question then becomes, what are you willing to risk to follow the passage that leads to freedom?

The journey beyond abuse is not for the faint-of-heart. It is for militants. It is for revolutionaries! It is for those who are sick and tired of being slaves to the past. So sick and tired of it that you're ready to escape, regardless. It's interesting to me that Harriet Tubman - and many just like her - didn't wait for the Emancipation Proclamation to proactively find freedom. She didn't need permission to know she deserved to be free. Neither do you. In fact, you may never be around people who think you have the right to be anything but conquered and dysfunctional, but you do!

The beautiful thing about making that decision to be free is that once you do, you already are! The recently released Burmese human rights activist, Aung San Suu Kyi, stated, "I always considered myself free because my mind is free." That's a powerful truth for you to embrace: once you make up your mind that you are ready to escape - to be free - you already are. This is an echo of Proverbs 23:7 in the Hebrew Bible that reads: "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." That truth will be increasingly manifested as you take each step along your personal Underground Railroad. The fact that you're on it means you're no longer a slave. It means that you've laid claim to your emancipation and you're taking action on that claim.

Harriet Tubman was ruthless about freedom and would not tolerate anyone who jeopardized the escape to freedom. The legend goes that she was known to shoot people who did so! She was completely unwilling to risk dragging dead weight - those who impeded the journey, those who preferred bondage to freedom, and those who tried to hold her or her passengers back from being free.

You and I need to be equally committed when it comes to taking back ownership of our lives. While we must always respect ourselves and other, and interact with kindness and gentleness, that is not the equivalent of being a doormat or a pushover. You have every right to be free. Harriet Tubman, who was often referred to as Moses, knew this. Jesus came for this. You must know this too, and then push past the lies that enslave you and move along that well-worn path to freedom, illuminated by the Spirit of God.

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise Sandwiches

My apologies to all who are allergic to peanuts, but this is about peanut butter (sort of!) Peanut butter is, perhaps, one of the most perfect foods there is (again, my apologies to the allergic readers). I've had peanut butter in all kinds of dishes. There's a wonderful African peanut butter soup (nkate nkwan) that is addictive, nutritious, and very filling. A recipe and article can be found by clicking this link.

There's the equally addictive peanut butter cookies with the characteristic criss-cross imprint, and the ever popular Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy. I've had peanut butter pie, peanut butter ice cream, peanut butter on bananas or apples, and peanut butter crackers. Yep, peanut butter is a very versatile food that's filled with nutrients. You can get it processed, creamy, chunky, and natural. You can also make it yourself (or so I've been told).

Of course, in many households, peanut butter sandwiches are the mainstay of childhood school lunches. Add strawberry or grape jelly to that, and you've got a winning combination that most kids will scarf up in a heartbeat! Peanut butter and honey sandwiches are also a big hit. But my very, very, very favorite way to eat peanut butter is on whole wheat bread with mayonnaise, sliced tomatoes, and diced onions! Okay, I can see you cringe over that thought, but don't knock it 'til you try it!

I really do have a point here that has to do with abuse recovery, and that is the vast diversity of paths that lead to healing and balance. I think one of the most dangerous aspects of seeking help is when you encounter a person who insists that the way they found healing is the only way. That's just not true. The damage from abuse falls into fairly uniform categories - self-sabotage, relationship difficulties, addictions, self-injury (cutting, substance abuse, eating disorders, etc.), and emotional imbalance (depression, anger management issues, etc) to name a few, but the road to move beyond that is quite unique for each person.

Some people find great comfort and healing in faith and religious rituals, but those same rituals can be a source of tremendous pain to others. Some people find great courage by confronting their abusers, while others might absolutely whither and disappear with a confrontation. Some people experience healing through art or music or writing, while others prefer quiet meditation or training for a marathon run. Activists use their past hurts as fuel to change things and make a difference, while a person of prayer fights those same battles in another realm. Some people follow prescribed steps taken in a sequential order to feel empowered, and others find personal empowerment as they take responsible risks.

My point is this: please be EXTREMELY careful and EXTREMELY creative in your journey beyond abuse! If "plan A" worked for your uncle and "plan B" worked for your best friend and "plan C" worked for your pastor - that's GREAT! However, if none of those plans helps you to de-tox from past abuse and dysfunction, if none leads you to a place of personal empowerment, spiritual peace, and healthy living - then you must find a plan that does! Equally important for you is not to discard the value of what works for others - because their path was THEIRS and that's cause for celebration!

Finally, I think it's so important to experiment with different approaches and different tools, and come up with the combination that works best for you. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've taken one idea from here, used another technique from there, mixed in a few ideas of my own, fought for empowerment on my knees in prayer, and used my mind to process information - and it is the SUM of these that made a difference for me . . . for ME. It might not work that way for you, and it doesn't have to!

There is joy in this journey beyond abuse. Yes, there is also tremendous pain - but to discover the path to freedom is exhilarating and life changing! So keep on your path or step off and find another - but keep moving, experimenting, listening, and learning. You never know . . . you might even discover that peanut butter, mayonnaise, tomato and onion sandwiches are de-li-cious!!

Sallie’s Recipe for PBMT&O Sandwich:

• 2 slices of 100% whole wheat bread
• 1 blob of all natural peanut butter, smeared on one slice of bread (I like to microwave my peanut butter to soften it up - but make sure that foil seal is completely off before you do . . . take it from me, you'll regret it if you don't!)
• 1 blob of mayonnaise, slathered on the other slice of bread
• 1-2 Tablespoons of diced red onion scattered evenly over the peanut butter
• 2 thick, juicy, slices of home-grown tomatoes (or those nasty hot-house tomatoes that are always in-season in the grocery stores!) stacked up on top of the peanut butter
• Slap that bread slice with the mayo on top of the peanut butter slice (mayo side facing the peanut butter!)
• Keep the crust or lose it – your choice! Cut it in half or leave it whole – your choice!
• Enjoy with a nice cool glass of Mountain Valley Spring Water from Hot Springs, Arkansas!

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

The "holidays" are upon us . . . that time of year when dysfunctional relationships can become so amplified that it's almost deafening! The pressure may be on you to insist that the white elephant is not in the room, even if you're all standing knee high in elephant poop! If you've been reading my articles for any length of time, you know that I'm an advocate for balance and strategic planning, and the holidays are when that becomes especially vital.

Take some time to reflect on what IS and is NOT important to you. Do you want to see Aunt Suzie but avoid her low-life husband? Do you want to be with your siblings but know that you'll also have to be with your dysfunctional parents? Do you want to stay home, stay in your jammies, and eat a sandwich? Do you want to prepare a lavish meal and use the china, crystal and silver? Only you know what you want and what you don't want, but it is VERY important to list what you want, what you really need, what you really don't need, and what you absolutely want no part of BEFORE you venture into the holiday festivities.

If you know in advance that you will be with difficult or abusive people, what are your strategies to maintain personal calm, peace, and safety? Take time to think through what those strategies might be? Can you enlist the help of a supportive friend who has awareness about the situation? Perhaps you can brainstorm with that support person and have a pre-determined plan if the gathering becomes hostile. It might even be helpful to establish a SAFE word so that your support person can help you excuse yourself and leave, or escort the difficult people out the door or away from the volatility.

Most toxic relationships that have any kind of history also have a rhythm to when the breakdown occurs - almost as if there's a schedule that is closely followed. Mom burns the turkey and right on schedule, becomes the holiday martyr. Dad turns on the TV to watch football and right on schedule, begins to scream at the kids to shut up and leave him alone. Brother arrives an hour late for the holiday meal and right on schedule, sulks over cold mashed potatoes because no one waited on him. Sister picks a fight with Uncle John about politics and right on schedule, an argument ensues, dragging the entire family into it. You offer to help clear the table and right on schedule, Grandma reminds you of how you broke her heart by not coming to Grandpa's retirement party fifteen years ago. Your abuser sits down next to you at the table and right on schedule, begins using double entendres and playing footsies with you.

You know the rhythm. You know the role each person will most likely fill. You know the flashpoints. That means that you shouldn't be surprised by too much. It also means you can think through your strategies BEFORE the gatherings so that you emerge feeling a bit more empowered, using your voice in a healthy way, and have an exit plan if you need one.

Another option to subjecting yourself, your children, or your partner to dysfunctional traditions is to consider starting a NEW tradition. Participate in a community holiday meal and serve the homeless. Gather with people who are replenishing, and essentially re-create a family gathering, except with a family of choice rather than genetics. Offer to work a holiday shift for a colleague or fellow employee. Spend time with people who live in a nursing home or group home for persons with disabilities or visit people in the hospital. Attend worship services and invite those who are there alone to sit with you, perhaps even share a church feast with them.

Only you can determine what the "holidays" mean to you. You are empowered to strategically think through how you will remain at peace, safe, and healthy. Stretch yourself a bit. If you almost kill yourself cleaning, shopping, and cooking - CHANGE that! You're not any fun to be around anyway when you do! Earlier this year, I was working long hours under some pretty big pressure. Friends of mine were coming from out-of-town to spend a few days with me. In my unhealthier days, I would have put myself in the hospital trying to create a perfect house for them to walk into, but I knew they didn't care about my house - they cared about me. So my friends arrived to dust, unmade beds, dirty dishes in the sink, and paper plates. I can't tell you how UN-like me that was, but it was also incredibly liberating. They laughed, I laughed. We did what they came to my house to do: enjoy each other!

I'm not suggesting that's a solution for you, because some people enjoying going all out. My point is this: think strategically, be reasonable with yourself, plan ahead for those on-schedule toxic dynamics to emerge, and celebrate what it is you hope holidays will celebrate! Take some time this week to make these realistic plans. Oh! And by the way . . . if there's a lot of elephant poop, be sure to wear hip boots! You'll be glad you did!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Power Differential

What makes abuse, abuse? What is the difference between sexual abuse and consensual sex? These are questions that often plague people as they attempt to sift through their experiences in order to categorize or label them. I think this is sometimes done as a way to either avoid getting help or addressing the damage - but that's an idea reserved for another article.

Many abuse survivors were also sexually quite active when they were young - making it difficult for them to distinguish between what was abuse and what was consensual or acting out. The fact is that the premature sexual awakening of most abuse survivors, combined with the powerful and often confusing sexual sensations that accompany that awakening, create the common response of sexually acting out. This is understandable because people - especially children and young people - pursue powerful sensations in order to understand them and explore how to manage them.

The confused thinking goes something like this: When I was a kid, it seems like I was masturbating or sexually acting out with other kids all the time . . . even with animals. How can I call what happened to me "abuse" when I obviously enjoyed sexual feelings? If I wanted those feelings by myself or with other kids, doesn't that mean I wanted those feelings with . . . [insert name]?

That logic might have merit, except you overlooked one enormous factor: the POWER DIFFERENTIAL! It is the power differential that makes abuse possible. A predator or manipulator or exploiter or [insert behavior here] had more power and control than you did - and they chose to misuse it. That power might have been due to their size or strength, making it impossible to protect yourself or to physically escape, but there is another kind of power that is most often a key factor: the power of the relationship.
The power differential in the relationship also made it impossible to protect yourself. This may have been due to their age or their position within your family or neighborhood or church or school or community. It may have been because they were highly revered, feared, respected, or loathed. Their power may have come from their rage or threats or the leverage they used to control you. Some of that leverage may have been to protect others, to shield the truth from people because you would have been held responsible, or the threat of something terrible happening - like a divorce or an arrest or being homeless or going to Hell or not being believed.

Power is an elusive thing for a vulnerable person - particularly a child. Predators zero in on the powerlessness of their victims and twist the truth. They turned the tables on who was responsible for what and put that responsibility squarely on your shoulders. If they manipulated you to feel sexual pleasure, then they used that normal response to nail your emotional and sexual coffin closed. They created such guilt and chaos in you, that even now - looking back over the years - you struggle to distinguish between abuse and normal sexual curiosity.

It takes time, perspective, and sometimes the validation from outside your own head - to put all of this in order, but you need to hear this clearly: abuse takes place because of the POWER DIFFERENTIAL between you and your abusers. Sexual curiosity, acting out, or experimentation as you developed is not an indication of your consent to abuse. The truth is that sexual pleasure is usually experienced when a person - young or old - is sexually stimulated. The fact that you may have experienced sexual pleasure is NORMAL. What is NOT normal is the context in which you had those sensations - the CONTEXT of abuse.

This week, spend some time identifying exactly WHAT the power differentials were between you and your abusers. It might be helpful to also examine the lack of or limited power you had at that time, and how your abusers exploited those limitations for their gratification. Truth is a great liberator. So is healthy and accurate perception. The residual power of abuse is greatly diminished when you recognize not only the abuse, but the power differentials that made that abuse possible.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Unreasonable!

If you've ever been in a relationship with an unreasonable person, you know how painful and distressing that can be. For an abuse survivor, the very fact that there is or has been abuse means there have also been unreasonable people in your life. For children living with abuse, there is unrelenting pressure to fix the problems. To keep everyone happy. To make everything okay so that bad things will no longer happen. For adults living with abuse or with the aftermath of childhood abuse, that same pressure exists. It's remarkable how responsible a victim can feel for the people and circumstances that perpetuate abuse!

A core reason that this pressure is felt so deeply is because of the false belief that you can somehow make unreasonable people reasonable. Many abuse survivors are "fixer's." In other words, they try to fix circumstances or fix people or fix themselves in order to smooth out the rough experiences that seem to surround them. The problem with this is that it is like giving an alcoholic one more drink or a dieter one more double-bacon-cheeseburger-with-fries. It will never be enough.

This is a harsh realization to come to: no matter what you do, it will never be enough. You cannot make unreasonable people happy. Sure, you can give them what they want and it will have a temporary effect, but the impact of that reprieve lasts a breathtakingly short period of time. Why? Because you cannot make unreasonable people happy!

To live as a person of peace, to be reasonable and to take personal responsibility for one’s well-being and balance can only be done by each individual. I've known people living in the direst of circumstances who still manage to find fulfillment and peace because they choose to. They choose to be kind. They choose to have boundaries. They choose to own themselves. I've also known people who lived in circumstances of opportunity and plenty who are bitter, resentful, and self-absorbed. In both of these examples, you do not have the ability, resources, or power to make these people reasonable. They either will be or won't be - but that's their decision.

I'm a firm believer in examining patterns. I believe it's important to first look inward and examine your own patterns and motivations. Self-assessment and self-awareness can help you to break unhealthy patterns. I think it is also very important to examine the patterns of behavior in those you are in relationship with. Whether your partner, your colleagues, your parents, friends, children, or family - if these important people are unreasonable, there is not much you can do to change that until they choose to change.

This reality means that you must re-adjust your own expectations of what you can and cannot do - what you will and will not do - if you are to remain in relationship with these people. This re-adjust is sometimes called "setting boundaries." What those boundaries are - only you can determine, but if you come to terms with your own limitations to make unreasonable people happy, then you can re-direct your energies to become a healthier person, yourself. This is not the same thing as becoming a self-absorbed, my-way-or-the-highway kind of person (that would make you unreasonable!). It is about recognizing that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

It is extremely important to understand this as you make your way forward on your journey beyond abuse. Yes, being compassionate, merciful, patient, and kind are vital to being a healthy human being, but there is a difference between a boundary-less doormat and a person who refuses to "throw their pearls before swine"(Matthew 7:6 in the New Testament Bible).

This week, take some time to examine the patterns in your relationships. Ask yourself if these patterns are toxic or healthy, functional or dysfunctional. Once you identify the relational patterns, then ask yourself this: Am I spending energy trying to re-arrange circumstances to make unreasonable people happy? Am I spending energy trying to become healthy, balanced, and establishing boundaries that are good for me and good for everyone else? These kinds of assessments help you to find sure footing so that you move toward healthy balance and away from toxic dysfunction.

In my own journey, I have to do this frequently. I also need the perspective of wise friends to help me see clearly - something I encourage you to do, also. I am still in relationships with unreasonable people, but I strive to maintain reasonable expectations of myself - knowing I will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or wealthy enough to make them reasonable or satisfied. That's just the way it is. I work to remain aware of that truth so that I can make wiser, healthier choices.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Scattered 'n Smothered

There are members of my immediate family who have a tradition of going to Waffle House every Christmas for breakfast. Now, I admit that I love the ambiance of Waffle House because the patrons, the staff, and the food are consistently colorful. One of the great things about this restaurant chain's "charm" is that the food servers call out the orders to the "chef," who repeats the order. There is a Waffle House code for hash brown potato preparation that gives the order for how those 'taters are prepared. Scattered, smothered, covered, and diced means hash brown potatoes that are scattered in oil on the grill and served with sautéed onions, melted cheese, and grilled tomatoes.

For an abuse survivor, being SCATTERED has another meaning altogether. It means that you aren't focused, rational, or at peace. You may feel like you've been scattered on a hot grill and sautéed in oil, but the real issue is the mental chaos that interferes significantly with how you function. You're easily distracted. You are disorganized. You lose or misplace everything. You always run late. You drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

On the other hand, other abuse survivors are just the opposite. You SMOTHER. You're so intense and focused that no one can keep up with you. You stay on target, on message, or on mission. You're so organized that you leave absolutely NOTHING to chance. You know exactly where everything you need is at all times and even make a mental note of where others place items that you know they'll eventually need. You are punctual or even early to everything. And - by the way - you too drive yourself and everyone else nuts.

To be an abuse survivor means that at some point - when you were vulnerable, needy, and weak - you experienced trauma, secrets, danger, and exploitation that rendered you powerless. That's how abuse happens - someone with more power - be it physical or relational - misused their power and robbed you of yours. There aren't very many situations that create more anxiety for an abuse survivor than being back in that role of having little or no control. Some of us are so overwhelmed by it, that we become mentally and emotionally chaotic and scattered. Others of us are so overwhelmed by it that we try to smother it with our careful control. Either way, it's a reaction to the sense of powerless and threat.

If you're a SCATTERED kind of person, you'll need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed, externally calm, and logistically in control. Face it - you already know your patterns. You know how easily the thin ice you skate on fractures. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air and being swept away by your life circumstances, take some time to problem-solve your tendencies. If you always lose your keys - then put a nail or hook by the door and put them there the minute you come in. If you perpetually lose things, lose track of time, drop important tasks - take time to develop a reasonable system (not an over-the-top-you'll-never-succeed-because-it's-too-complicated system) to increase the likelihood of staying focused and productive.

If you're a SMOTHER kind of person, you'll also need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed and externally calm. Of course, one dilemma of a highly organized and task oriented person is the positive reinforcement you receive. People may even give you high marks, high praise, or positive reports. This becomes a problem, however, when you do not take care of yourself - when you don't cultivate inner peace, calm, and compassion for yourself or others. If being punctual and organized comes at the expense of your health, your relationships, and your joy - then it ceases to serve any positive function for you. You'll burn out and it won't be pretty.

SCATTERED people need to calm down. SMOTHER people need to do the same. Both of these reactions are a response to feeling as if you have no control - as if you're vulnerable, weak, and in danger of being exploited. Eventually, both ways of living will backfire to the point that you really ARE in a position of being powerless and vulnerable.

No - I'm not saying we're all Waffle House hash browns, but I AM saying that it is important to be aware and mindful of HOW you handle stressful circumstances. Do you exacerbate them with your chaos or do you allow yourself to be consumed by the pressure to perform and conquer? Balance is the key. Personal peace, relational well-being, and spiritual health come through balance. Awareness that you feel stress and pressure gives you the upper edge so that you can strategically accomplish what is needed without sacrificing yourself or precious relationships.

Take some time this week to examine HOW you handle stressful circumstances and then do some strategic planning to correct your under-compensation or your over-compensation. Who knows - you may even want to take a trip to Waffle House and order hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country - while you do!

By the way, hash browns that are chunked, peppered, capped, topped, and country are served with ham, jalapeno peppers, mushrooms, chili, and sausage gravy, respectively.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Me? Afraid?

I remember sitting in my counselor's office in the early stages of dealing with my abuse. I was going through the laundry list of all the things I was afraid of. She looked at me and said, "Perfect love casts away fear." Well, she might as well have toss ice water in my face! I was shocked! There I was - a spiritual leader, a strong Christian, and my secular therapist had the nerve to use MY book (the Bible) to jar me speechless.

The Scripture that she used was part of 1 John 4:18 (New Testament Bible). It reads this way: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The fact is, most abuse survivors are paralyzed by fear. Some of us stay as hidden as possible from the things that cause us to feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable. Others of us fight any and every one/thing that comes our way (so that we won't feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable). Either way, fear is a core issue for abuse survivors. We work hard to numb it, run from it, or attack it. You may even rotate between all three!

Fear is not always a bad thing. Fear warns you of danger. Fear gives you common sense and re-routes otherwise foolish circumstances or relationships. But the fear I had, the fear you may still struggle with was NOT an ally. It's a paralyzing dominatrix. It drives everyone around you crazy. It drives you to the brink of a complete breakdown. It hinders you from being a truly free human being and controls what kind of parent, lover, friend, and colleague you are.

When I recovered from my speechless moment with the counselor, I could feel the pressure building in my heart. It was true. I was afraid AND I was clueless about that kind of love. I blurted out, "But there is so much to be afraid of!" Scenes of my own abuse. Fears of my children being abused, of not being wanted or needed by people who were important to me, and of not measuring up to what I thought God required of me - it all crashed inside me like tectonic plates that lead to an earthquake.

"Exactly." she said. That began a new season of exploration - of sifting out legitimate, rational fear from irrational and unfounded fear. I discovered much about myself in that process. I recognized that many of my relational issues - how I relate to others - were guided by my own fears of being unwanted or unnecessary. I recognized that most of my parenting issues - how I parented, established and enforced rules, and allowed my children to grow - were due to my fears of their safety based on my own lack of safety when I was abused. I even recognized that my relationship with God and how I lived out that relationship was dominated by fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not being righteous enough. Enough! Enough! Enough!

Love is an interesting ingredient to this issue of fear. Love for and from others. Love for and from God. Love for and from self. It is interesting because in this context it implies trust. If you trust people you are close to, then you're not afraid of their motives or behaviors. If you trust God's love and goodness, then performance and harshness are not factors in how you live out your faith. If you trust yourself, then you are confident in your ability to make wise choices and live in a healthy, constructive, and balanced way.

Take some time this week to examine your fears - I mean REALLY examine them. Are your fears due to legitimate concerns and issues or are the carry-overs from your past? Are your fears a reflex reaction or are they a reasoned response? Are they irrational or well-founded? Where does love (and/or trust) factor in to your fears or lack of them?

Self-examination is a valid process in moving beyond abuse. So much of what abuse survivors think and do is on “auto-pilot,” more-or-less. Because fear is often such a big issue for abuse survivors, constructing a solid understanding of love and trust, and how they factor in to your fears and courage go a long way in helping you to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

False Memories and Blank Spots

There is a new book making the rounds about false memories entitled “My Lie” by Meredith Maran. I listened to her interview on NPR (click here to listen to the interview) a few days ago. I found it to be fascinating and relevant to what many abuse survivors struggle with: the search for a reason to make sense of your struggles. For many of us, the abuse seems dream-like at times or disjointed with large missing pieces and blank spots that seem to feel unnerving or even threatening.

Contrary to television crime shows, where a witness has perfect recall as if their memories are TiVo'd - that's not the way our memories work. Particularly traumatic memories. Our minds are amazing machines that have been given the task of keeping us protected and functioning. Sometimes that means tucking away terrifying experiences into memory crevices that are hard to locate, or coding them a bit differently from non-traumatic memories so they are recalled differently. This is often the reason that memories comes to you in bits and pieces, rather than a cohesive stream of information. Another facet of trauma recall is the age you were when abuse occurred versus the age you are when the memories take front-and-center for you. For example, in my late 40’s, I located the house where much of my abuse occurred. In my mind, I remembered the house as an enormous, haunted-house type mansion where you could practically hear perpetual thunder and lightning crackling across the rooms. I was quite shocked to discover a rather small, modest-sized house. I recognized the rooms. I recognized the lot. I recognized the house, but I remembered it through the size and experiences of a child, and I revisited it through the size and experiences of an adult.

But there's also a dark underbelly to those blank spots for which you have no answers. It has devastating consequences if you're manipulated like the author of “My Lie” was. That is the phenomenon of false memories. It usually takes place when distressed or depressed people are placed in highly vulnerable or suggestible situations, and convinced by others (often an untrained person or poorly trained counselor) that the reason for their struggles is "Scenario A" or "Scenario B," even when there is no evidence of any kind to make such a suggestion. Yes, we're all looking for answers to why we struggle with depression or rage or eating disorders or addiction. That's understandable, particularly when there seems to be no apparent reason why these issues exist. But solid academic research and common sense tells us that to suggest an abuse scenario when no such memory has been otherwise recalled, is both dangerous and irresponsible.

False memories are not deliberate lies. They are real memories - manipulated memories - of an event that did not take place. I say this often, but if you cannot recall a memory of abuse, but struggle with many of the secondary issues of abuse (depression, anxiety, self-injury, etc.), then what you need to work on are THOSE secondary issues. The "why" of those issues may become apparent to you at some point, but NEVER ever ever ever let someone suggest (either in person or through a teaching) that abuse has taken place when you are not aware of it in the first place! This muddies the waters and never gives truth an opportunity to surface in an organic way that has more integrity that suggestions do.

You may be feeling a bit defensive as you read this. That, too, is understandable. The other side of this coin is that many of us - abuse survivors - were either not believed or had our experiences minimized when we told. To have your experiences dismissed or minimized feels like the deepest kinds of betrayal - particularly when those who do so are the ones you need the most - your family or friends. When the subject of false memories is brought up, it may feel extremely threatening to you because you DO remember. You KNOW what happened. You LIVE with the scars every day from the abuse you suffered. Just like ignorant people who suggest abuse without evidence, other ignorant people will use this phenomenon of false memories to whisk away legitimate accusations and experiences of abuse. Ignorance is NOT bliss on either side of this.

For many abuse survivors, it takes years - sometimes decades - to become strong enough to disclose the abuse that occurred. That's pretty common, too. There are many reasons for this delay - fear, threats, consequences, and the shattering of the "perfect family" or "perfect pastor" or "perfect neighbor." Personally, I didn't disclose my childhood abuse by my grandfather until I was in my 30's. When you have this kind of delay in disclosure - people will wonder (perhaps even ask you) why you didn't come forward with this information sooner? The reasons for delay are as varied as the individuals who experience abuse. For me, I just didn't want to rock the boat - I wanted to pretend that everything was okay and not have to deal with the questions, the disruption in the ways things had always been, or hurt some people that I loved. It's probably safe to say that disclosure of abuse is rarely met with joy or relief - although there are probably exceptions to that - but when it's time for you, IF it's time for you - then you need to be prepared for the fall-out that will most certainly come. Am I better off because I disclosed? Yes and no. It's complicated - as anyone who has this experience knows.

Take time with your memories and experiences. Don't be so concerned about WHAT you remember as WHAT you're struggling with. If you're depressed and you come from a good home, have a good life, and have no recollection of any trauma or abuse, then deal with the depression. Period! If you're depressed and have memories of trauma and abuse, then connect those dots to see the cause-and-effect and work to restructure how you think about yourself and the present, in the context of your past.

False memories rip off the truth, and most certainly do great harm to people who have truly experienced trauma and abuse. Reality is what must be dealt with - whether or not you discover what those shadow memories are or are not. I believe those blank spots in your memories, those missing pieces - are God's way of protecting you until you're strong enough or in an appropriate place in your journey to look at them full-faced. I think they serve as a kind of spiritual bubble-wrap that will eventually dissolve when and if you're ready. Speaking to my own experiences, I only disclosed to others what I had known - but not acknowledged - most of my life. I looked away from it up until then. It just became a reality for everyone else when I told, but I had known it and not admitted it for decades. Personally, I believe that you will remember what you need to remember when you're ready. That won't come through hypnosis or manipulation. It comes through the honest pursuit of authenticity and integrity. Truth is truth. False truth is NOT truth. Healthy people seek truth, not manipulated explanations that may or may not have any basis in fact.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Pain is Different

I am often approached by people who seem to need their experiences put in a category - to have it labeled. They share a few details and then ask, "Is that abuse?" My answer is always, "If it feels abusive or inappropriate to you, then it was abusive and inappropriate."

Other people will qualify their experiences by saying, "I know some people have gone through much worse than me." To which I reply, "But that doesn't diminish your experiences and the damage you feel."

In your journey beyond abuse it is important to recognize that your experiences - whether more severe than others' or less - are YOURS to move beyond. If your hand was cut off and my leg was cut off - we would both have damage to overcome, but my loss of a leg would not diminish your loss of a hand. They are different losses for different people. In this example, you would still have to deal with the loss of your hand. It is the same with experiences that have been abusive and damaging. Your experiences are worthy of being addressed. Your wounds are worthy of being tended to. The damaged places in your body, your spirit, and your living skills must be acknowledged and overcome if you are to find a place of balance and health.

At the same time, I do think it is important to keep your experiences in perspective - to a certain degree. But pain is pain. Damage is damage. Dysfunction is dysfunction. There will always be other people who have gone through much more severe trauma than you, and it is important to have awareness of that fact. Or perhaps your experiences are much more traumatic than most, and it is important to have awareness of that fact, as well. But severe or mild, abuse survivors must learn to have sensitivity to the trauma of others, and - at the same time - take appropriate steps to find their own place of balance, peace, and health.

Your pain is YOUR pain. My pain is MINE. We accomplish nothing by minimizing our own pain because someone else had it much worse. At the same time, we accomplish nothing by being so focused on our own pain that we minimize the trauma that other people have experienced.

When you think about your abuse experiences - whether it is very severe or mildly severe - it is what it is. It was what it was. It is worthy of being addressed and cared for. It is also something to eventually move beyond - not in a snow-plow-pushed-through-it sort of way. More like an unpacking, acknowledging, and re-arranging how you relate to it sort of way.

Running away from it or wallowing in it - neither of these is healthy or productive. What IS healthy and productive is acknowledgement of what felt inappropriate or abusive, and taking the time to learn how to navigate through it and move beyond it. This is done by strategically managing your response to triggers; being accountable for how you live your life to a wise friend, mentor, counselor, or support group; respecting your body, intellect, and spirit and treating them in a healthy way; assessing how you function in relationships and re-drawing healthy boundaries; and re-learning how to live in a more functional, balanced, and holistic way.

I often think about the woman caught in adultery who was dragged before Jesus by the men in her village (John 8:1-11, New Testament Bible). There were two distinct issues going on here, and Jesus addressed them both. The first issue Jesus addressed was the hypocrisy of the villagers. The second issue was the woman's own behavior. Jesus didn't ignore one to address the other. He faced both issues, because both were worthy of being addressed. This is true for you, too.

Your pain is different from any one else's. There may be similarities - even the same abusers in the same household in the same way - but nonetheless, your pain is different. Don't look for a label or a category before you launch into a healthier, more balanced and honest way of living. Don't minimize or wallow in your experiences in order to address them. In many respects, during the intense stages of abuse recovery - you are the one who matters the most. But you will discover that as you become healthier, you can enlarge your worldview and maybe even help others who are similarly wounded. You can't hide behind helping others as a way to avoid facing your own damage and healing journey, either. But on the other side of the intense phases of abuse recovery, you will find that you just might have the wisdom and sensitivity to walk with another on this difficult road that leads beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
-Sidney J. Harris

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Proactive Sheep!

Recently, I was visiting a church and the children's moment was about the parable of the one lost sheep. This is a well-known story that Jesus told about a shepherd who had one-hundred sheep. As he herded them into the pen, he counted up to ninety-nine and discovered that one of his sheep was missing. Jesus continues with the story that the shepherd was willing to go after the one lost sheep. At all costs, the shepherd pursued the lost sheep, knowing that his other ninety-nine were safe. That's the image of God's love - he pursues those who are lost. He finds them, he rescues them, and he brings them back into the fold. (You can read this story for yourself in Luke 15:1-10 in the New Testament Bible).

Anyway, that was the story told to the children, but the way the teacher started was by asking them, "What would happen if you were at the mall and got lost from your mom or your dad?" She was trying to direct them to the conclusion that their parents would go looking for them, but that was not the response she got. Nope! These kids were NOT going to wait on their parents to resolve their lostness. They announced they would find a mall security guard or go to a store clerk or go stand by the correct exit. They would use their cell phones (yes . . . THEIR cell phones) and call or text their locations. They would yell, "Mom!" or "Dad!" again and again until their parents located them. If someone tried to abduct them they were going to yell, "Stranger!! This is not my mom!!"

It was very amusing to watch the teacher ponder how to re-phrase her question to get her point across, but I found the whole thing quite fascinating for another reason. These kids had no intention of remaining lost. They were proactive sheep and the sooner they got back with the shepherd, the better. No waiting around for them! They had a plan and they were determined to implement it. Yes, yes . . . they finally recognized that their mothers or fathers would be looking for them too . . . just like the shepherd in the story, but these kids had given this a lot of thought. They were not going to passively accept their lostness!

I couldn't help but see a parallel between these proactive little lambs and the proactive nature of abuse recovery. Many of us can point to specific moments or encounters when it was apparent that God was mysteriously at work to help us find our way forward to a place of health and balance. At the same time, there is nothing passive about your part in this forward motion of abuse recovery.

You've got to be a proactive sheep who knows the shepherd is on the move, seeking and finding those who are lost, but you've got a part in this rescue, too. Like those proactive children in church, start looking for help. Look for people, opportunities, and environments that will help you anchor into a strong, healthy life and . . . stay anchored there! Make some noise and don't be content to stay stuck in the thickets, hearing the wolves circling. Clamor for help! Rock the boat until someone who can help notices your need and assists you to get where you need to go. Make sure you're choosy about who you go off with, too! And if that person or group tries to force you back into a corner where you're once more devalued, degraded, silenced, or disempowered, don't you dare think you've got to go with them!

One of my favorite authors is Anne Lamott. In one of her books, she identifies two kinds of prayers that people need to know. One is: "Help me! Help me! Help me!" and the other is, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Let me second that observation! I say it often, but abuse recovery is about militancy for freedom. It is a pit-bull determination to go after what you need and not let go, no matter what! It is the "Help me! Help me! Help me!!" prayer! Abuse recovery - as these very wise children noted - is about being like lost, yet proactive, sheep! And when you feel the comfort and strength of God's love leading you safely to the road of recovery, then you can proactively practice that other wonderful prayer: "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

"It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us."

-J.K. Rowling

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Self

In a recent conversation I had with my six year old grandson, he made this statement: "Ya know, Grannie, I'm really pretty awesome!" Well, he didn't have to convince me of this, but what struck me was the matter-of-fact way he said it. He was pretty much letting me know that facts are facts, it was true, and he had no doubts about his awesomeness. He didn't qualify it with the kinds of things many of us would use, such as "I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I'm really pretty awesome." Worse yet, many of us would never even say such a thing out loud for fear that it might reflect negatively in the opinions of others.

A bitter by-product of abuse is what it does to one's idea about self. It is a vampire, a devourer, a destroyer of self-image. The experience of abuse turns you inside out and that unspoiled belief that you are awesome is replaced with the wretched belief that you are worthless and insignificant. Over the years, this miserable belief turns into a toxic form of survival called narcissism. A narcissist is a person who is extremely preoccupied with self. They react to criticism with rage or shame and often exaggerate their accomplishments, requiring continuous attention. Almost everything a narcissist does involves his or her self interests or goals. They have extremely unrealistic expectations of others and often completely disregard their feelings, needs. Empathy is not a strong point for a narcissist. You might argue with me about you having any narcissistic tendencies because you have such low self-esteem, but isn't the essence of low self-esteem when a person thinks about themselves all the time?

Abuse took your legitimate needs to be valued, cherished, respected, and significant, and exploited them. You were manipulated, disregarded, overpowered, and misused for the gratification of your abuser. For a developing person, that creates a love-hate relationship with those legitimate needs. You think you're worthless, but search relentlessly for someone to value you - but if you find such a person, you raise the bar so high that they will never measure up, and then you explode. Of course that explosion can be external or internal, but either way, there's an intense reaction. It's a vicious cycle.

A real mark of abuse recovery is the change in how you think of yourself. Recovery is really a reclamation of your value, an understanding that you are worthy of being cherished and respected, and a rejection of exploitation. Positive self-esteem is a pretty good gauge that you are turning a corner. It means you no longer function as if everything is a threat to your very existence. Criticism is met with objective consideration - are the criticisms valid? Are they unfounded? Either way, your response is measured and balanced, rather than vicious and destructive. Positive self-esteem recognizes personal limitations and celebrates others who do not have such limitations. It also recognizes personal talent, intelligence, aptitude, and beauty without being ashamed of them or the accomplishments they may bring. Empathy and genuine consideration of others, without a hidden agenda, are natural for a person with positive self-esteem. When you reclaim your value, then you don't need the constant attention and adoration of others, nor are you easily threatened when attention is lavished on others rather than you.

Narcissism is really the manifestation of a broken child whose demands for safety, love, and respect have mutated into a monstrous, demanding adult who mishandles others, as well as self. Positive self-esteem is much, much more than having a warm-fuzzy-feel-good. It is the manifestation of a wounded person who is changing his or her worldview to embrace both your gifts and shortcomings, your beauty and your flaws, your strengths and your weakness, and consider the needs and perspectives of others around you.

Abuse breeds narcissistic tendencies. Abuse recovery breeds a positive self-belief. As you challenge ugly, narcissistic thinking, as you reclaim your worth, you will find that corner-turning child-like epiphany that unapologetically knows - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are pretty awesome!

Say it with me, “Ya know, I’m really pretty awesome!” And, by the way, you don’t have to convince me of that!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

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Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

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This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
-Don McLean

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse