Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

The "holidays" are upon us . . . that time of year when dysfunctional relationships can become so amplified that it's almost deafening! The pressure may be on you to insist that the white elephant is not in the room, even if you're all standing knee high in elephant poop! If you've been reading my articles for any length of time, you know that I'm an advocate for balance and strategic planning, and the holidays are when that becomes especially vital.

Take some time to reflect on what IS and is NOT important to you. Do you want to see Aunt Suzie but avoid her low-life husband? Do you want to be with your siblings but know that you'll also have to be with your dysfunctional parents? Do you want to stay home, stay in your jammies, and eat a sandwich? Do you want to prepare a lavish meal and use the china, crystal and silver? Only you know what you want and what you don't want, but it is VERY important to list what you want, what you really need, what you really don't need, and what you absolutely want no part of BEFORE you venture into the holiday festivities.

If you know in advance that you will be with difficult or abusive people, what are your strategies to maintain personal calm, peace, and safety? Take time to think through what those strategies might be? Can you enlist the help of a supportive friend who has awareness about the situation? Perhaps you can brainstorm with that support person and have a pre-determined plan if the gathering becomes hostile. It might even be helpful to establish a SAFE word so that your support person can help you excuse yourself and leave, or escort the difficult people out the door or away from the volatility.

Most toxic relationships that have any kind of history also have a rhythm to when the breakdown occurs - almost as if there's a schedule that is closely followed. Mom burns the turkey and right on schedule, becomes the holiday martyr. Dad turns on the TV to watch football and right on schedule, begins to scream at the kids to shut up and leave him alone. Brother arrives an hour late for the holiday meal and right on schedule, sulks over cold mashed potatoes because no one waited on him. Sister picks a fight with Uncle John about politics and right on schedule, an argument ensues, dragging the entire family into it. You offer to help clear the table and right on schedule, Grandma reminds you of how you broke her heart by not coming to Grandpa's retirement party fifteen years ago. Your abuser sits down next to you at the table and right on schedule, begins using double entendres and playing footsies with you.

You know the rhythm. You know the role each person will most likely fill. You know the flashpoints. That means that you shouldn't be surprised by too much. It also means you can think through your strategies BEFORE the gatherings so that you emerge feeling a bit more empowered, using your voice in a healthy way, and have an exit plan if you need one.

Another option to subjecting yourself, your children, or your partner to dysfunctional traditions is to consider starting a NEW tradition. Participate in a community holiday meal and serve the homeless. Gather with people who are replenishing, and essentially re-create a family gathering, except with a family of choice rather than genetics. Offer to work a holiday shift for a colleague or fellow employee. Spend time with people who live in a nursing home or group home for persons with disabilities or visit people in the hospital. Attend worship services and invite those who are there alone to sit with you, perhaps even share a church feast with them.

Only you can determine what the "holidays" mean to you. You are empowered to strategically think through how you will remain at peace, safe, and healthy. Stretch yourself a bit. If you almost kill yourself cleaning, shopping, and cooking - CHANGE that! You're not any fun to be around anyway when you do! Earlier this year, I was working long hours under some pretty big pressure. Friends of mine were coming from out-of-town to spend a few days with me. In my unhealthier days, I would have put myself in the hospital trying to create a perfect house for them to walk into, but I knew they didn't care about my house - they cared about me. So my friends arrived to dust, unmade beds, dirty dishes in the sink, and paper plates. I can't tell you how UN-like me that was, but it was also incredibly liberating. They laughed, I laughed. We did what they came to my house to do: enjoy each other!

I'm not suggesting that's a solution for you, because some people enjoying going all out. My point is this: think strategically, be reasonable with yourself, plan ahead for those on-schedule toxic dynamics to emerge, and celebrate what it is you hope holidays will celebrate! Take some time this week to make these realistic plans. Oh! And by the way . . . if there's a lot of elephant poop, be sure to wear hip boots! You'll be glad you did!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse