Power Differential

What makes abuse, abuse? What is the difference between sexual abuse and consensual sex? These are questions that often plague people as they attempt to sift through their experiences in order to categorize or label them. I think this is sometimes done as a way to either avoid getting help or addressing the damage - but that's an idea reserved for another article.

Many abuse survivors were also sexually quite active when they were young - making it difficult for them to distinguish between what was abuse and what was consensual or acting out. The fact is that the premature sexual awakening of most abuse survivors, combined with the powerful and often confusing sexual sensations that accompany that awakening, create the common response of sexually acting out. This is understandable because people - especially children and young people - pursue powerful sensations in order to understand them and explore how to manage them.

The confused thinking goes something like this: When I was a kid, it seems like I was masturbating or sexually acting out with other kids all the time . . . even with animals. How can I call what happened to me "abuse" when I obviously enjoyed sexual feelings? If I wanted those feelings by myself or with other kids, doesn't that mean I wanted those feelings with . . . [insert name]?

That logic might have merit, except you overlooked one enormous factor: the POWER DIFFERENTIAL! It is the power differential that makes abuse possible. A predator or manipulator or exploiter or [insert behavior here] had more power and control than you did - and they chose to misuse it. That power might have been due to their size or strength, making it impossible to protect yourself or to physically escape, but there is another kind of power that is most often a key factor: the power of the relationship.
The power differential in the relationship also made it impossible to protect yourself. This may have been due to their age or their position within your family or neighborhood or church or school or community. It may have been because they were highly revered, feared, respected, or loathed. Their power may have come from their rage or threats or the leverage they used to control you. Some of that leverage may have been to protect others, to shield the truth from people because you would have been held responsible, or the threat of something terrible happening - like a divorce or an arrest or being homeless or going to Hell or not being believed.

Power is an elusive thing for a vulnerable person - particularly a child. Predators zero in on the powerlessness of their victims and twist the truth. They turned the tables on who was responsible for what and put that responsibility squarely on your shoulders. If they manipulated you to feel sexual pleasure, then they used that normal response to nail your emotional and sexual coffin closed. They created such guilt and chaos in you, that even now - looking back over the years - you struggle to distinguish between abuse and normal sexual curiosity.

It takes time, perspective, and sometimes the validation from outside your own head - to put all of this in order, but you need to hear this clearly: abuse takes place because of the POWER DIFFERENTIAL between you and your abusers. Sexual curiosity, acting out, or experimentation as you developed is not an indication of your consent to abuse. The truth is that sexual pleasure is usually experienced when a person - young or old - is sexually stimulated. The fact that you may have experienced sexual pleasure is NORMAL. What is NOT normal is the context in which you had those sensations - the CONTEXT of abuse.

This week, spend some time identifying exactly WHAT the power differentials were between you and your abusers. It might be helpful to also examine the lack of or limited power you had at that time, and how your abusers exploited those limitations for their gratification. Truth is a great liberator. So is healthy and accurate perception. The residual power of abuse is greatly diminished when you recognize not only the abuse, but the power differentials that made that abuse possible.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse