Unjust War

Take a deep breath. In order to move beyond abuse, the battles you must fight are completely unfair. You won’t get very far in your journey if you don’t accept that simple and terrible truth. The abuse was unjust. The damage was unjust. The war is unjust. There’s just no way to get around that fact.

There’s a lot to be said for reality (of course – there’s a lot to be said for avoiding it, too!). Reality – as difficult and harsh as it may be – doesn’t pull any punches. It is what it is. In my own journey beyond abuse I discovered that a major battle was just accepting the fact that there WAS indeed a battle and that I was the one who had to fight it. I had to acknowledge the outrageous injustice that I was sexually abused in the first place. I had to embrace the horrific damage inflicted on my mind, body, and spirit. I had to accept the fight to retrieve my life. Just as a call to arms goes forth in time of war – I heard the battle cry for a very private war.

One great mistake that many abuse survivors make when they hear this battle cry is to enter it without the right equipment. No, I’m not going to take you on the familiar “put on the whole armor of God” metaphor (found in Ephesians 6:10-18) – but that’s not a bad idea! There is most definitely an urgent need to charge into combat with adequate spiritual preparation, but this passage of Scripture is more about evangelism than abuse recovery.

The battle you must fight is often a very lonely one and each conflict is agonizingly complex. The pace of this war creeps along with glacier-like speed. Your preparation to enter the war zone must include several things:
You must be extremely committed to truth – no matter how difficult. Recovery is never possible if lies prop up the illusion that everything is okay, when it isn’t.
You must intentionally seek out replenishing experiences – those that build you up and don’t drain you. Replenishing people, replenishing relaxation, replenishing entertainment and activities. These should NOT be exclusively abuse-recovery-focused. An exercise partner, a prayer or meditation practice, a funny movie, or a good nap will work just fine.
You must use the expertise of others to properly train you – counselors, books, spiritual mentors, and other resources to help you along the way with appropriate guidance and information. Remember – knowledge is power.
You must frequently remind yourself that this is a JUST CAUSE in an unjust war. That cause is personal empowerment and recovery. Think about how a national anthem evokes feelings of patriotism – it is played again and again at official functions to remind citizens of their cause. Why not do the same thing for yourself – find a song that speaks deeply to you of courage, inspiration, and healing. Designate that as YOUR anthem for healing and play it often as a reminder of your JUST CAUSE – your journey to healing.

While I’m not a big fan of using the war metaphor to discuss ANYTHING – it seems to most accurately capture the task of abuse recovery. You have been left with damage, issues, and a lot of injustice. What would be even MORE obscene is if you were a traitor to what is rightfully yours – your own life.

So . . . engage! Respond to the call to arms and use every ounce of energy, resources, and passion that you have to take what is rightfully yours. Others may join you in this battle. God will sustain and strengthen you in this battle. But the one who stands on the field of combat must also be YOU. And you – with that slingshot and smooth stone – will be empowered to slay the giant and reclaim what is yours (1 Samuel 17).

A Reminder for Your Spirit

See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.

-Isaiah 43:19
Hebrew Bible

Abandonment

Being ALONE and being ABANDONED are two entirely different things. They may appear to be similar, but they are not. Both look as if you’re by yourself, but only one of them – abandonment – makes you truly alone.

Abandonment is that horrific experience of being disposable – of not being wanted, desired, or significant. Sometimes people are abandoned when an important person walks out of their lives. Sometimes abandonment happens when you are ignored, betrayed, or abused. Any kind of abuse – emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual – can create intense issues regarding abandonment.

Just as you have extreme reactions to triggers that remind you of abuse – a touch, smell, sensation, tone of voice, etc – the same can hold true regarding abandonment and the sheer panic it often evokes. This is one reason so many abuse survivors have dysfunctional relationships, find themselves in a perpetual state of being a victim, or compromise who and what they are to the point that they betray themselves. It takes some time to unravel what this is when it happens, but if you can learn to identify the trigger that sets off your abandonment “reflex” – it will go a long way to help you feel personal empowerment on your recovery journey.

For example, let’s say you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for a long time. So long, in fact, that much of the electricity and magic has settled down into a faint hum. Your fear of being abandoned – of not being able to measure up to someone else that might be more exciting or attractive – can send you into such a panic that you actually attack your significant other, demanding attention or affection. Another reaction to this same scenario is to completely smother or suffocate the one you love to the point that you dominate every moment, thought, and expression as a way to make sure you are not left alone.

Another example would be with friends or family. Perhaps you feel threatened when they have other relationships with people who are very important to them. You fear there is not enough love to go around – that their relationship with others somehow means you are not important to them.

Another example might be that you constantly betray yourself in order to be significant to someone for even a brief moment. It may be why you compromise your own values, your own destiny, your own body, and your own enduring relationships. You go to bed with someone you know you shouldn’t. You endure being treated like garbage. You take drugs or get drunk. You take off with an acquaintance on a whim and leave behind job, family, and friends. You are a doormat to everyone in your life, hoping that if they owe you a big enough debt, they’ll want you – they’ll need you.

While some people panic outwardly – smothering, controlling behavior, and compromising values – others panic inwardly. The lies you believe – that you’re not significant to anyone, that sooner or later everyone will bail out on you – those lies may push you to isolate yourself completely. The thinking goes something like, “If everyone’s going to fail me anyway, if everyone’s going to treat me like a disposable piece of trash – then I’m not going to be close to anybody.” You shut out people, new experiences, and opportunities as a response to this huge issue of betrayal. You aggressively pursue isolation as a way to protect you from being left alone.

The experience of abandonment creates enormous pain – especially in the heart of a developing person – a child or teenager. Yes, it’s very, very painful for adults, too – but when you’re forming ideas about who you along with the experience of being disposable – the impact goes deep. I’ve said this hundreds of times before, and I’ll probably say it hundreds of times in the future – but the key to managing these overwhelming beliefs and experiences is BALANCE.

The fear of being unwanted, unneeded, not respected, and not significant is an extreme reaction to those old familiar feelings. That’s one legacy of abuse – you become shell-shocked with abandonment. Every time you hear that familiar whistling zing-scream just before you think the abandonment bomb is going to explode – you duck and cover. You attack, overwhelm, smother, dominate, or run. That over-the-top reaction is off balance. It’s too much or not enough. It sets you up to find yourself alone – really alone – again and again.

To find balance in your panic reaction does not – in anyway – mean that you will never be abandoned, betrayed, failed, or unwanted. Those are life experiences that everyone has from time to time. Yes – it feels lousy – but it feels even worse if you haven’t recognized the difference between real abandonment and an irrational fear of abandonment.

So let’s practice:

Your significant other does not seem to want you as much as in your early days. Along comes someone you fear will replace you. What do you do? What is the mature, rational thing to do?

Your best friend has joined a group and found new friends. You are not part of that group. What do you do? What is the mature, rational thing to do?

You are in a situation where the chase is on – a stranger or new acquaintance seems interested in you. What do you do? What is the mature, rational thing to do?

You have been working to quit a habit or practice and if you do, the people you’ve been doing these things with won’t want to be with you anymore – this can be anything from drugs to gossiping to smoking to watching too much television. What do you do? What is the mature, rational thing to do?

You have avoided leaving your home or your room or your cubical for years and someone you barely know asks you to join them for a cup of coffee. What do you do? What is the mature, rational thing to do?

Perhaps this week you can spend a bit of energy noticing when the fear of abandonment sends you into a panic. When you notice that reaction – that trigger to panic – pause for a moment, take a few deep, quiet breaths. Analyze the situation with balance – or at least as much balance as you can. I find it helpful to write these things down – especially when I’m confused. Write down the situation, the people, the emotions I feel, the fear and panic. Make one or two columns next to that. Brainstorm and pray for wisdom about what is true and what is the mature, rational thing to do. It is this kind of intentionality that interrupts the panic, disarms the trigger, and gives you the wisdom and balance you need to see things clearly and respond appropriately.

Fear of abandonment is often THE energy behind your actions, thoughts, and choices. Knowing that truth is half the battle. The other half is strategically navigating through to a place of balance, reason, and accuracy. When you strike that balance, you’ll find that it’s okay to be with others, it’s okay to have solitude, and it’s okay to have it both ways!