Just a Reminder

Avoid problems, and you'll never be the one who overcame them.
-Richard Bach

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Just a Reminder

He lives in me. He lives in you. He watches over everything you do. Into the water. Into the truth. In your reflection . . . He lives in you.
-Rafiki and her Choir, Lion King

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

Online Registration for Men & Women's NYC Retreat!

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

To be human is to keep rattling the bars of the cage of existence hollering, "What's it for?"
- Robert Fulghum

Super Hero Power

I'm a sucker for really bad science fiction. Not the "slasher-demon-possessed-slimy-monsters" kind of sci-fi, but the "this-is-so-bad-it's-great!" kind. You know, the kind where you can see the strings that hold up the "flying saucers" as they whiz past the camera? Classics like "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" or "Attack of the Killer Tomato."

My love of silly sci-fi was gratified recently, when an all-day marathon of the 1980's TV series "Greatest American Hero" aired. I have to tell you, the show's theme song always puts a lump in my throat (Really! Click this link to listen!). The premise of the show is that a UFO gave a red suit with a cape to an average, mild mannered high school teacher, Ralph Hinkley. When he put on the suit, he had super hero powers. But there was one problem: he lost the instructions on how to use it. So he basically had all this super-power, but couldn't quite control it.

It was just one trial-and-error after another. Funny entertainment, but for the character's world, it wasn't funny for him at all. Ralph still managed to take out the bad guys, rescue the endangered, and stop disasters, but he did so with clumsy and often catastrophic movements. He crashed through buildings, flew through the air with the finesse of a bad disco dancer, and missed his mark on more than one occasion. He often felt like a failure.

Abuse survivors and Ralph Hinkley have a great deal in common. The fact that you've made it this far is a testimony to your strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and spirit! You have courage and power - power gifted to you by the Spirit of God. The challenge, for you, is to learn what that means and how to use it on your journey beyond abuse. Particularly in the early stages of recovery, you may feel as if you're crashing more than landing on your feet or hurling through the air like a dodo bird rather than soaring like an eagle. You may often feel like a failure. That’s normal AND discouraging!

So here you are, with your super hero powers that have been given to you - YES, YOU!! - and yet, you feel out-of-control. Well, you are. Take a breath. That's normal. It takes a great deal of courage to put on that super hero suit and to take a risk - to take a chance that your life can be re-crafted. Re-formed. Restored. The courage of Ralph Hinkley was not that he had a super hero suit. It was that he took the gift he received and - despite the fact that he had no idea how to use it - he still put it on and jumped into the air. Without his actions, the suit remained in a box, dormant and useless.

The beauty of recovery - of working to reclaim your life and move beyond abuse - is that your trial-and-error process will yield amazing results. You will begin to recognize the triggers that usually send you into a tailspin and know how to recalibrate. Your vision and perception will eventually see through faulty thinking. You will challenge the way things have always been and approach old issues in new, more effective ways. Your fear will subside as you are enveloped with the strength and comfort of God's love. You will soar in such a way that even eagles will marvel at your technique.

To do otherwise is to keep what you have been given in a box, unused. Worse yet, to take that gift out of the box, experience what is possible, and yet choose to take it off and return it to the box would be an true atrocity. Our family experienced the tragic consequences of that choice almost two years ago this month. Dave, my son-in-law committed suicide. His permanent solution to a temporary issue destroyed not only himself, but many others who loved him. A few days after his memorial service, my four-year-old grandson and I were having a conversation under the stars about Dave. My grandson said, "Grannie, Dave was a super hero. He just forgot to use his super powers one day."

Those profound words instantly crystallized what abuse recovery really is: a struggle to remember to use your super powers. A life-and-death, moment-by-moment decision to keep that super hero suit ON and be okay with the fact that you're still figuring out how to use it. Some days you'll fly better than others. Some days you'll land on your feet and other days you'll tumble. Some days you'll miss the side of the building, and other days you'll smack right into it. But the point -THE POINT - is that you keep the suit on and you practice using your super powers! To do otherwise is an unnecessary tragedy.

I'll close with the words to The Greatest American Hero (by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, sung by Joey Scarbury) and hope you sing this at the top of your lungs today: "Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air, I never thought I could be so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!"

Fly, my friend! Fly!! After all, you’re a SUPER HERO!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom
For more resources, go to our website

Just

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
-Jesus
Luke 6:31

Abuse Recovery Tip

Breathe deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat.

Unscheduled Delays

The question - and I mean THE question - everyone asks at some point in their abuse recovery is, "When will I be normal?" "When will I be free . . . when will I be okay . . . out of pain?" These, I believe, are the wrong questions. The more appropriate question might be, "How can I become healthier?"

Abuse recovery is quite often referred to as a journey. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. It occurs in the context of work and school, relationships and hobbies, wake and sleep. It also occurs in conjunction with the process of aging and being. From the day you're born until the day you die - you're a work in progress. The energy and immaturity of young adulthood guides its gut-wrenching peaks and valleys under any circumstances. The weakened, slower body of senior adulthood presents an altogether different set of challenges and rewards. Also included in these passages - for survivors - is the recovery process.

Recovery is not on a timetable. There are no published schedules that tell you when you will arrive, or even where you will arrive. Recovery is not commanded, it is explored. It is a struggle with tiny successes, profound losses, and occasional, monumental victories. No matter how self-aware, self-controlled, or self-motivated you may be, recovery unfolds in its own time, in its own way.

As I write this article, I am on a plane. A plane that's almost an hour late from its scheduled departure time. This, of course, will mean that I miss my connecting flight, which in turn means I will not get home until very late tonight or maybe even tomorrow. I'm exhausted, hungry, and a bit annoyed. That's the way it goes with abuse recovery, too. No matter how tight your recovery schedule may be, no matter how hard you work or how many books you read or how many hours you spend in therapy, you're going to experience unscheduled delays. They will feel like set-backs, but they're not.

Recovery's work is to slowly reveal how you can live in a healthier way - physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and relationally. It occurs in the context of living life - which is an unpredictably wild ride. My flight was delayed due to mechanical problems. As annoying as it was to sit on the runway for an hour while the technicians fixed the problem, I kept reminding myself that if they didn't fix it, we would never arrive.

In your recovery process, expect those same kinds of moments. Moments when everything comes to a screeching halt while adjustments and repairs must happen if you are to continue on. It's frustrating, inconvenient, and – by the way – absolutely necessary. It can be looked at as REAL progress. Without these kinds of delays, what truly needs attention will be ignored, and that's no way to become healthier.

Your destination is to become healthier. The time-table for this is unknown, but the great mystery is that you will know you've arrived when you get there. In the meantime- keep your seatbelt buckled and your book opened. It may be awhile and it may go - not according to your plan - but according to a larger schedule. The schedule for you to become truly healthy. Truly free.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
for more resources, go to http://www.committedtofreedom.org

Just a Reminder

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
-Sally Field

Third Party Perception

When I was a young adult, I worked in a large corporate office as a receptionist. I answered phones, took messages, and put people on hold. Now for those of you who don't know me, I'm a pasty white woman. I'm so pale and my skin is so transparent that my blue veins can easily be seen. I'm not a big fan of the sun, so I maintain this hue most of the time. Always have - unless I am sunburned to a crispy, lobster red! That's kind of my spectrum - either pasty white or lobster red. Anyway, one day at this corporate office, I answered the phone. It was a girl from another department calling for my supervisor. It was summertime, which meant I came to work in sandals. As I motioned to my supervisor that she had a call, I overheard this girl discussing how ugly my legs were because they were so blindingly white. It was an odd experience to be a third party and listen to someone talk about me when they thought I wasn't listening. Sure enough, I looked down at my legs and almost needed sunglasses to deflect the glare. She was right and it was humorous.

Have you ever been part of a conversation where concern for a friend or loved one was being discussed? I'm not talking about gossip, here. I'm talking about people discussing real concerns and observations about one they care for. The words are not guarded. The concerns and cautions are not filtered. There is an honesty in what is seen and observed. "She's self-destructive" or "He's on dangerous ground" might be heard in these kinds of conversations. Often these kinds of observations have fallen on deaf ears by the one being discussed. Either that or the ones who see these things are too intimidated or tired or cowardly to be so blunt.

I've often wondered what would happen if the person being discussed could be a third party, just listening to the feelings, fears, and worries of people who care about what is going on. Would they be able to hear the truth? Would they recognize the hearts and wisdom of those who are speaking? Would they finally be able to accurately see themselves in the mirrors of honesty?

These are questions we all need to ask about ourselves. The fact is, many abuse survivors are so defensive or so combative that people won't risk the conflict of being honest. They realize that their concerns will be met with hostile rejection and nothing constructive will come of it. Other abuse survivors are so passive or inebriated or busy, that the concerns of others will be met with shrug or a snub. They either actively or passively push back at the thoughts, observations, and opinions of others or quite literally block any clear view of themselves in the mirror of honesty.

It is important to cultivate honest feedback from people with wisdom and awareness. This is not to say that you roll over and play dead or that you blindly follow with unquestioning obedience. That's not what I mean. I mean giving yourself and others permission to be honest. To take a deep, exposing breath, and hear not only WHAT people are cautioning you about, but also understand WHY they have concerns.

A teachable character - a teachable and open spirit - is a significant factor in abuse recovery. You'll never become healthy if you can't listen to uncomfortable truth. You'll never mature if people tip-toe around you when they want to discuss difficult issues or point out areas of concern. In other words, if you were hidden in a room where your loved ones were discussing you, what do you think you'd hear? What do you think they'd say about your choices, your lifestyle, and your direction? What do you think they would discuss? What would their concerns be? What would they say about your willingness to hear such things?

It is important to step outside of yourself from time to time (not in a dissociative way) and hear what you need hear as if you are a third party to the conversation. This third party perception will help you to more accurately chart the healthy way forward. It will help you to see with greater clarity and then take action based on honest truth rather than eggshell-thin facades.

It's not always pleasant. It's certainly not easy. It IS, however, vital to your maturity and journey to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth
http://www.committedtofreedom.org

Just a Reminder

Forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.

-Timothy Keller
The Prodigal God

Abuse Recovery Tip

On day's like Father's Day, determine to become the person you always hoped others would have been for you.

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

Take a ten minute walk or ride. For each of those minutes, intentionally look, listen, touch, or smell one new thing that brings you joy - such as the sight of an elderly couple holding hands, the sound of a passing train, the refreshment of cool water on your hands, or the smell of a fragrant flower.

Just a Reminder

The possibilities are numerous when we decide to act and not react.
-George Bernard Shaw

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

Start an emotions log. Note when you have intense or disruptive emotions. Note where you are, who you're with, what you are doing, what you were thinking, how you acted on or wanted to act on those emotions.

Healing Levity

I want to start out by saying that there is absolutely NOTHING funny about abuse. NOTHING! The damage is extensive and long term. The scars are massive. The pain is unimaginable.

That being said, there is a place for humor and levity in the abuse recovery process. If you put yourself in the shoes (or more accurately sandals) of Christ, you see his sense of humor revealed again and again. Think about Mary and Martha. I can see him grinning to himself. Think about the multitude of times when he shook his head and pretty much asked his disciples how much longer he had to put up with them. The people he surrounded himself with, the environment he taught in, and the stories he told are filled with real-life joy and humor.

It's important to point out that humor and levity are not the same as cynical and snarky. Rather, they are lenses through which you recognize the truly funny moments in life. And there are - after all - some very funny moments in life – everyone’s life, including yours.

Many abuse survivors are notorious for being pessimists. For believing that not only is the glass half empty, but it's probably got a crack in it somewhere and will be bone dry in an hour. On the other side of that continuum, abuse survivors are also notorious for hiding behind humor as a way to never deal with the deep throbbing places in their souls torn by abuse and dysfunction.

And yes - for those of you who have been reading my articles for awhile - this, too, is all about balance. It's about living somewhere between Eeyore and Tigger (Winnie the Pooh Reference written by A.A. Milne in 1926). It's about recognizing the obvious - that yes, there is some really bad stuff going on, but being determined to find joy. To find silly, ridiculous hilarity. To intentionally look for laughter. To recognize that if you dwell on nothing but the wretched horrors that saturate television and the internet and the newspapers, all of your energy you might have to spend on living in a healthy way will be depleted - consumed by tunnel vision for the awful, rather than the panorama which unfolds when all of life is included.

Humor doesn't come at the expense of others. It doesn't come through denial or minimization. It comes through intentional sight. Intentional listening. Intentional touch. It's a search for the ironic and celebrating what you discover. Nowhere is this more important than with yourself. To take yourself a bit less serious - not in a self-deprecating way, not to belittle or devalue - but to just lighten up a bit. To laugh at your quirks and not feel threatened when others laugh at them, too. To embrace your wonderful, unique, flaws and decorate them with glow-in-the-dark paint (figuratively speaking . . . or maybe not).

There is a Scripture in the Hebrew Bible that states: "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." (Proverbs 17:22). Becoming healthier involves cultivating a balanced relationship with the difficulties of living in a flawed world and the hilarity of living in a flawed world. It is, indeed, good medicine and good for you. Children and animals are good places to begin noticing this good medicine. Expand outward from there.

Prepare The Way

And now, May Christ escort you with abundant love, extravagant purpose, and deep comfort. May you flourish, grow, and mature beyond all of your wounds. When you find yourself in darkness, remember that your Guide sees clearly the path that you should take. May you find balance, respect, kindness, and healing. May you celebrate the wondrous being that you are and celebrate that wonder in others, too. And now, these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:14).

No man is free who is not master of himself.
-Epictetus

Heaven wheels above you, displaying to you her eternal glories, and still your eyes are on the ground.
-Dante Alighieri