When I was a young adult, I worked in a large corporate office as a receptionist. I answered phones, took messages, and put people on hold. Now for those of you who don't know me, I'm a pasty white woman. I'm so pale and my skin is so transparent that my blue veins can easily be seen. I'm not a big fan of the sun, so I maintain this hue most of the time. Always have - unless I am sunburned to a crispy, lobster red! That's kind of my spectrum - either pasty white or lobster red. Anyway, one day at this corporate office, I answered the phone. It was a girl from another department calling for my supervisor. It was summertime, which meant I came to work in sandals. As I motioned to my supervisor that she had a call, I overheard this girl discussing how ugly my legs were because they were so blindingly white. It was an odd experience to be a third party and listen to someone talk about me when they thought I wasn't listening. Sure enough, I looked down at my legs and almost needed sunglasses to deflect the glare. She was right and it was humorous.
Have you ever been part of a conversation where concern for a friend or loved one was being discussed? I'm not talking about gossip, here. I'm talking about people discussing real concerns and observations about one they care for. The words are not guarded. The concerns and cautions are not filtered. There is an honesty in what is seen and observed. "She's self-destructive" or "He's on dangerous ground" might be heard in these kinds of conversations. Often these kinds of observations have fallen on deaf ears by the one being discussed. Either that or the ones who see these things are too intimidated or tired or cowardly to be so blunt.
I've often wondered what would happen if the person being discussed could be a third party, just listening to the feelings, fears, and worries of people who care about what is going on. Would they be able to hear the truth? Would they recognize the hearts and wisdom of those who are speaking? Would they finally be able to accurately see themselves in the mirrors of honesty?
These are questions we all need to ask about ourselves. The fact is, many abuse survivors are so defensive or so combative that people won't risk the conflict of being honest. They realize that their concerns will be met with hostile rejection and nothing constructive will come of it. Other abuse survivors are so passive or inebriated or busy, that the concerns of others will be met with shrug or a snub. They either actively or passively push back at the thoughts, observations, and opinions of others or quite literally block any clear view of themselves in the mirror of honesty.
It is important to cultivate honest feedback from people with wisdom and awareness. This is not to say that you roll over and play dead or that you blindly follow with unquestioning obedience. That's not what I mean. I mean giving yourself and others permission to be honest. To take a deep, exposing breath, and hear not only WHAT people are cautioning you about, but also understand WHY they have concerns.
A teachable character - a teachable and open spirit - is a significant factor in abuse recovery. You'll never become healthy if you can't listen to uncomfortable truth. You'll never mature if people tip-toe around you when they want to discuss difficult issues or point out areas of concern. In other words, if you were hidden in a room where your loved ones were discussing you, what do you think you'd hear? What do you think they'd say about your choices, your lifestyle, and your direction? What do you think they would discuss? What would their concerns be? What would they say about your willingness to hear such things?
It is important to step outside of yourself from time to time (not in a dissociative way) and hear what you need hear as if you are a third party to the conversation. This third party perception will help you to more accurately chart the healthy way forward. It will help you to see with greater clarity and then take action based on honest truth rather than eggshell-thin facades.
It's not always pleasant. It's certainly not easy. It IS, however, vital to your maturity and journey to move beyond abuse.
Written by Sallie Culbreth
http://www.committedtofreedom.org
No comments:
Post a Comment