Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is damage that is incidental to the intended outcome.

To point to your abuse and pin all the issues and damage you face on that one factor would be simplistic - at least for most abuse survivors. Abuse occurs in a context, and sometimes that "context" can be just as damaging as the abuse.

For example, I know a man who grew up in a pastor's home. His father was very harsh, demanding, unforgiving of any mistakes, and emotionally unavailable. His mother was terrified to express any opinions or to cross her husband in any way. This man was sexually abused by one of the church deacons who showed him kindness, tenderness, and acceptance. It took him years to recognize that the scars of sexual abuse - as bad as they were - were overshadowed by the brutal environment of his home life.

Perspective is so important when addressing the damage of abuse and trauma. You have to be a bit of a detective - identifying what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and the context in which it happened. In warfare, when there are unintended casualties or destruction, it is called collateral damage. That means whatever the actual target, much more damage actually occurs. A bomb targeting a house that takes out not only that house, but the neighbor's house and cars on the street - that's collateral damage.

Abuse of any kind targets a vulnerable person for exploitation and mishandling. The abuser misuses the power differential between him/herself and the victim. That is one aspect of the damage that seems quite obvious. The other aspects that can cause considerable damage include the environment or relationship dynamics that made it possible for the victim to be victimized in the first place. In the case of my friend, his parents created such a neglected and needy boy, that the predator had easy access to him and took full advantage of his horrific home life. The abuser caused some of the damage, but there was also significant "collateral damage" done to him due to neglect and other forms of abuse.

In many ways, overt abuse is sometimes easier to overcome than damage that is much more difficult to identify. This can often lead to minimization of the actual abuse - particularly sexual abuse - because it might implicate others you dare not think of as contributors. It might also lead to magnification of the actual abuse that may actually be larger than it really was. For my friend, it was easy to villinize his sexual abuser. The sexual abuse became THE focal point of all his rage, all his addictions, all his problems. Yes, the sexual abuse was PART of that damage, but not ALL. In fact, you could say that the sexual abuse was really the collateral damage of his parents' neglect and harsh treatment.

Sometimes, survivors want simple explanations for what happened to them and why it did so much harm. THIS was right. THAT was wrong. SHE was bad. HE was good. That would be nice - it would make recovery so much easier - but it's rarely that clear. Seeing the context will help you to more fully understand the collateral damage you struggle to overcome. Taking the time to be an investigator of your life story will put things into perspective. This will - in turn - help you to focus on the real issues.

You may struggle to acknowledge that your grandmother's passivity left you unprotected from your grandfather's advances. You may protect your drug addicted brother, whom you love and feel sorry for - but who also brought unsafe people into your home that abused you. You may focus all of your rage on that ONE incident that happened when you were eight, and completely ignore the years of verbal abuse, abandonment, and neglect. Each strand of your story is one worthy of being addressed - worthy of seeking help for - worthy of the care and attention it needs if you are to move beyond it.

The truth - for many of us - is very disturbing, tragic, and terrifying. However, all of the damage - both direct hits and collateral damage - cause wounds that need tending. As you do so, you will find a new truth has the opportunity to emerge - the truth that you are more than all that was done to you. As you do so, you find that much of the negative, self-destructive energy that has kept you bound to the past - becomes diffused and no longer effective.