Your Pain is Different

I am often approached by people who seem to need their experiences put in a category - to have it labeled. They share a few details and then ask, "Is that abuse?" My answer is always, "If it feels abusive or inappropriate to you, then it was abusive and inappropriate."

Other people will qualify their experiences by saying, "I know some people have gone through much worse than me." To which I reply, "But that doesn't diminish your experiences and the damage you feel."

In your journey beyond abuse it is important to recognize that your experiences - whether more severe than others' or less - are YOURS to move beyond. If your hand was cut off and my leg was cut off - we would both have damage to overcome, but my loss of a leg would not diminish your loss of a hand. They are different losses for different people. In this example, you would still have to deal with the loss of your hand. It is the same with experiences that have been abusive and damaging. Your experiences are worthy of being addressed. Your wounds are worthy of being tended to. The damaged places in your body, your spirit, and your living skills must be acknowledged and overcome if you are to find a place of balance and health.

At the same time, I do think it is important to keep your experiences in perspective - to a certain degree. But pain is pain. Damage is damage. Dysfunction is dysfunction. There will always be other people who have gone through much more severe trauma than you, and it is important to have awareness of that fact. Or perhaps your experiences are much more traumatic than most, and it is important to have awareness of that fact, as well. But severe or mild, abuse survivors must learn to have sensitivity to the trauma of others, and - at the same time - take appropriate steps to find their own place of balance, peace, and health.

Your pain is YOUR pain. My pain is MINE. We accomplish nothing by minimizing our own pain because someone else had it much worse. At the same time, we accomplish nothing by being so focused on our own pain that we minimize the trauma that other people have experienced.

When you think about your abuse experiences - whether it is very severe or mildly severe - it is what it is. It was what it was. It is worthy of being addressed and cared for. It is also something to eventually move beyond - not in a snow-plow-pushed-through-it sort of way. More like an unpacking, acknowledging, and re-arranging how you relate to it sort of way.

Running away from it or wallowing in it - neither of these is healthy or productive. What IS healthy and productive is acknowledgement of what felt inappropriate or abusive, and taking the time to learn how to navigate through it and move beyond it. This is done by strategically managing your response to triggers; being accountable for how you live your life to a wise friend, mentor, counselor, or support group; respecting your body, intellect, and spirit and treating them in a healthy way; assessing how you function in relationships and re-drawing healthy boundaries; and re-learning how to live in a more functional, balanced, and holistic way.

I often think about the woman caught in adultery who was dragged before Jesus by the men in her village (John 8:1-11, New Testament Bible). There were two distinct issues going on here, and Jesus addressed them both. The first issue Jesus addressed was the hypocrisy of the villagers. The second issue was the woman's own behavior. Jesus didn't ignore one to address the other. He faced both issues, because both were worthy of being addressed. This is true for you, too.

Your pain is different from any one else's. There may be similarities - even the same abusers in the same household in the same way - but nonetheless, your pain is different. Don't look for a label or a category before you launch into a healthier, more balanced and honest way of living. Don't minimize or wallow in your experiences in order to address them. In many respects, during the intense stages of abuse recovery - you are the one who matters the most. But you will discover that as you become healthier, you can enlarge your worldview and maybe even help others who are similarly wounded. You can't hide behind helping others as a way to avoid facing your own damage and healing journey, either. But on the other side of the intense phases of abuse recovery, you will find that you just might have the wisdom and sensitivity to walk with another on this difficult road that leads beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse