Disclosure and Betrayal

I get a lot of emails and letters from abuse survivors who are stunned by the response of family, friends, and clergy when they disclosed their experiences of abuse. No matter how much these people may have failed them in the past; they still somehow believed that once the abuse is exposed, they will find support, acceptance, and compassion. Instead, they found the same old toxic dynamics, the same dysfunction, and the same sick system that harbors secrets and covers up abuse. In many ways, this kind of response is almost equal to the betrayal and trauma brought on by the original abuse.

Now hopefully, if or when you disclosed your abuse, or when someone you loved disclosed they had been abused to you, the response was appropriate, empowering, and an important step in your healing. Honestly, if that was your experience, you are a very fortunate person and I celebrate that with you and for you!

On the other hand, if you were handled poorly after you disclosed, you've got lots of company because this is, sadly, quite common. The reasons for inadequate or inappropriate response are quite revealing. I read an article just this week about an abuse victim in Belgium being urged by his Bishop to delay making a public statement about his abuse until the bishop who abused the victim retired. This is shocking! Outrageous! ... and not that unusual.

Abuse victims are frequently shunned by their families. Siblings and non-offending parents will often rally around the abusing family member, turning the victim into a scapegoat for causing such distress. The victim ends up being labeled as the bad-guy and the already deep wounds suddenly plunge much deeper.

In cases such as the one in Belgium, victims of authority figures often face tremendous pressure to remain quiet, to think of the needs of the perpetrator - particularly if he or she is older, or intimidated into silence. They are convinced they will not be believed; are accused of making things up about such a "wonderful" person; and asked to consider how difficult this will be on the church or school or club or the perpetrator's spouse or children.

To be handled in these ways is perhaps one of the most hurtful betrayals that victims can feel, second only to the actual abuse. There is no way to make this kind of treatment sting any less, but it is VERY important to recognize it for what it is: a continued system of victimization and exploitation. The message becomes quite clear: keep quiet and don't rock the boat.

When you need them the most, when you've disclosed the most intimate, exposing kind of crime, that's when you need support, to be believed, and to be protected. If that hasn't been your experience, then you will need to navigate through that additional layer of betrayal in your journey beyond abuse.

First of all, if you've not been believed or been intimidated, or even been accused, then those people or organizations have demonstrated - beyond a doubt - that they are not trustworthy. You won't move forward if you continue to expect appropriate advocacy or aftercare from them. They either can't or won't give it to you and you could use your precious little energy trying to make them be what they are not. It is terrifying to face the failures of others when you need them the most. It is devastating to see your family or your church or your group or your community rally around the perpetrator and leave you feeling violated and exposed.

Healing comes from being honest. It comes from facing truth and facts to determine reasonable and mature strategies. Healing comes from seeing people and groups as they are, not as you want or need them to be. When you see this, you will turn your energy and your heart toward others who will be what you need . . . who will be your friend, your advocate, your comfort, and your encourager.

Jesus clearly knew about the failure of people in one's deepest hour of need. He taught his followers that it is very appropriate to have boundaries with people who respond in such despicable ways. His instructions are: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6). In other words, you are under no obligation to hand over your treasures - your heart or your hurts - to people who will mishandle that gift. Jesus said that if you do, they will rip your needs apart and then will turn and shred you, too.

To be further mishandled by your family, your church, or your community is absolutely devastating. Once this happens, be very careful about how much more you look to them for healing comfort and support. It is quite possible that you will need to look elsewhere for these very real needs of being believed, being respected, being valued, and being understood. To do otherwise is to enhance the abuse you've already suffered instead of finding your way forward with those who understand.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse