In a recent conversation I had with my six year old grandson, he made this statement: "Ya know, Grannie, I'm really pretty awesome!" Well, he didn't have to convince me of this, but what struck me was the matter-of-fact way he said it. He was pretty much letting me know that facts are facts, it was true, and he had no doubts about his awesomeness. He didn't qualify it with the kinds of things many of us would use, such as "I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I'm really pretty awesome." Worse yet, many of us would never even say such a thing out loud for fear that it might reflect negatively in the opinions of others.
A bitter by-product of abuse is what it does to one's idea about self. It is a vampire, a devourer, a destroyer of self-image. The experience of abuse turns you inside out and that unspoiled belief that you are awesome is replaced with the wretched belief that you are worthless and insignificant. Over the years, this miserable belief turns into a toxic form of survival called narcissism. A narcissist is a person who is extremely preoccupied with self. They react to criticism with rage or shame and often exaggerate their accomplishments, requiring continuous attention. Almost everything a narcissist does involves his or her self interests or goals. They have extremely unrealistic expectations of others and often completely disregard their feelings, needs. Empathy is not a strong point for a narcissist. You might argue with me about you having any narcissistic tendencies because you have such low self-esteem, but isn't the essence of low self-esteem when a person thinks about themselves all the time?
Abuse took your legitimate needs to be valued, cherished, respected, and significant, and exploited them. You were manipulated, disregarded, overpowered, and misused for the gratification of your abuser. For a developing person, that creates a love-hate relationship with those legitimate needs. You think you're worthless, but search relentlessly for someone to value you - but if you find such a person, you raise the bar so high that they will never measure up, and then you explode. Of course that explosion can be external or internal, but either way, there's an intense reaction. It's a vicious cycle.
A real mark of abuse recovery is the change in how you think of yourself. Recovery is really a reclamation of your value, an understanding that you are worthy of being cherished and respected, and a rejection of exploitation. Positive self-esteem is a pretty good gauge that you are turning a corner. It means you no longer function as if everything is a threat to your very existence. Criticism is met with objective consideration - are the criticisms valid? Are they unfounded? Either way, your response is measured and balanced, rather than vicious and destructive. Positive self-esteem recognizes personal limitations and celebrates others who do not have such limitations. It also recognizes personal talent, intelligence, aptitude, and beauty without being ashamed of them or the accomplishments they may bring. Empathy and genuine consideration of others, without a hidden agenda, are natural for a person with positive self-esteem. When you reclaim your value, then you don't need the constant attention and adoration of others, nor are you easily threatened when attention is lavished on others rather than you.
Narcissism is really the manifestation of a broken child whose demands for safety, love, and respect have mutated into a monstrous, demanding adult who mishandles others, as well as self. Positive self-esteem is much, much more than having a warm-fuzzy-feel-good. It is the manifestation of a wounded person who is changing his or her worldview to embrace both your gifts and shortcomings, your beauty and your flaws, your strengths and your weakness, and consider the needs and perspectives of others around you.
Abuse breeds narcissistic tendencies. Abuse recovery breeds a positive self-belief. As you challenge ugly, narcissistic thinking, as you reclaim your worth, you will find that corner-turning child-like epiphany that unapologetically knows - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are pretty awesome!
Say it with me, “Ya know, I’m really pretty awesome!” And, by the way, you don’t have to convince me of that!
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
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