Question Authority

Right off the bat, I want to let you know that this article is NOT about politics!

I remember walking through my children's school when they were little, and a sign on one teacher's door caught my eye. It read: Question Authority. How different that message was from the one I grew up with in church, which charged children to obey authority without question. In many ways, my childhood sexual abuse took place because of this teaching. My abuser exploited that idea, groomed me to obey and comply without question, and commanded me to remain silent.

Predators know this about children. They know that children are taught to obey. They know that children are not considered fully empowered to the point that they can question those in authority. Authority such as parents, grandparents, or teachers. This is what they know and this is what they exploit. Of course, this is true not only of sexual predators, but of religious and political demagogues as well. When people believe they have absolute power which goes unchecked and unchallenged, then a climate exists for such atrocities as childhood sexual abuse or international genocide. History has plenty of examples which substantiate this. In many ways, Hitler and my abuser were the same person - one just had more power than the other - but it was the same mentality, the same exploitation, the same obscene misuse of authority.

Yes, yes, yes . . . I know that the Scriptures instruct us to obey those in authority over us, but (I know I sound like a broken record here) balance is the key. We're also given instructions to take time to study a situation, to stand up for our beliefs rather than bow to a contradictory belief, and to do everything within our power to make sure that social justice is protected for all. Blind obedience to people is just not the overarching message of the Judeo-Christian belief systems.

Our children will continue to be groomed by predators if we don't prepare them for the reality that there are some people in this world they do NOT have to obey. They are sitting ducks if we don't help them have a strategy - to help them think through what is appropriate and inappropriate - to help them determine what their safety net is, who they can go to for help, and even rehearse the words they can use if someone in authority attempts to exploit them. I believe this can be taught in a way that is entirely compatible with the teachings of the Scriptures - teaching respect for authority, respect for wisdom, and respect for power.

Questioning authority is not synonymous with rebellion. It is raising up people who can think for themselves. People who - as children - are empowered to say to an inappropriate pastor or a teacher or a parent, "No! You cannot touch me like that!" People who - as adults - can say, "No! You cannot oppress the poor! You cannot violate human rights!"

When children are taught to comply without question - even if that means they are sexually abused - they can become adults who continue down the path of re-victimization. Adults who are afraid to challenge anyone may find themselves once again lost to an ideology that diminishes their gifts, their value, and their potential. Adults who do not question authority may also be adults who do not defend their own children from predators. Adults who follow blindly will never discover the freedom that Christ showed through example. He shook things up. He turned tables over in the temple. He exposed abusive power. He taught everyone that rules are guidelines that sometimes do not make sense if they are obeyed without question (think about his healing on the Sabbath, for instance).

When those in authority - whether they rule over little people or over nations - misuse and exploit that power, it is our obligation to question. It is also our obligation to empower our children so they know how that is done. If we don't prepare them - if we don't practice this in our own lives - then they will be devoured, not as sacrificial lambs, but as exploited victims of unquestioned authority.

Whack-a-Mole God

The negative impact of abuse is far reaching. That's obvious. Spiritually, trauma can often obstruct the comforting journey that so many other people seem to have with God, but that bypasses you. Of course, there are many reasons for this, but the primary ones have to do with shame, powerful secrets, and dark emotions.

Abuse recovery involves actively challenging thoughts that tear you down, rather than build you up. For many of us, the way we think about God is actually quite destructive. God is seen as distant and cruel. Harsh and punishing. Suspicious and volatile. Some of these views may come from the kind of faith tradition you grew up with, but that may not be the entire story. Others may come from abuse's contamination of your spiritual journey.

To challenge this "Whack-a-Mole" view of God requires balance and respect for your walk with God. Yes, there are behaviors and actions that are not condoned in the Bible (or many other kinds of sacred writings). Yes, there are standards for living that are vigorously taught and practiced by many faith traditions which bring about the labeling of "moral" or "immoral." There is nothing wrong with these teachings or practices unless they become unbalanced and confused with the nature of God - which is love.

Love must remain at the core of all moral standards, faith practices, and religious rituals. That is vital if you're going to move beyond abuse with a healthy soul. In the Hebrew Bible, there are reminders of God's love, such as the passage that reads, "The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made" (Psalm 145:9). In the New Testament Bible, the concept of God as love is emphatically taught in passages such as 1 John 4:16, which reads "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love."

God isn't lurking behind a bush or around the corner waiting to catch you doing something wrong. God isn't floating around the cosmos rubbing his hands together just hoping you blow it so that you can be jumped. God doesn't sit on the edge of a cloud with a giant mallet playing Whack-a-Mole with you. Those are inaccurate - and ultimately destructive - thoughts that will rob you of a full, enriching, and comforting journey with God.

Those dark, powerful secrets from your abuse can keep you in a perpetual spiritual state of fear and dread, leaving you with a sense that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. That's where abuse spills over onto what is meant to be a liberating journey. It's slavery. It's dysfunctional thinking that has nothing to do with morality or standards of faith. It contradicts everything Christ came to do in our lives. After all, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).

The Whack-a-Mole God doesn't exist. Challenge that thought every chance you get. Remind yourself - often - that the God who loves, accepts, embraces, and celebrates you - THAT's the God who DOES exist!


Seminar Discounts

For a VERY LIMITED TIME, we're offering deep discounts if your church or organization schedules one or more seminars for 2010. Committed to Freedom provides people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Each seminar will be offered for $750 and the sponsor will not be charged for the use of our one-time print permit to produce the required participant workbooks!

You must have these seminars scheduled no later than January 1, 2010. The required non-refundable deposit of $100 must be received by then as well. In addition to the seminar fees, sponsors are also required to cover the presenter's travel, lodging, and meals. At this time, I will be the presenter of the scheduled seminars in 2010. I hold a B.A. in Pastoral Ministries and an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling.

We offer three seminars (1) Responsible Care Training Seminar, (2) Beyond Abuse Seminar, and (3) Spirituality and Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery. Take full advantage of this rare opportunity to offer our life-changing, empowering - and now - more affordable seminars to your community!

Meds?

Taking medications for depression or anxiety is sometimes met with great resistance - particularly by people of faith. I want to address a few of those issues. Please understand that I'm not advising what you should or should not do. I'm just giving you a few of my thoughts, particularly about the spiritual implications of taking meds for emotional or mental issues.

First, let's begin with the facts. The fact is that trauma sends your body into a series of chemical chain reactions that can quickly cause a toxic imbalance. Each time you have a flashback from that original trauma, the same chemical chain reactions take place all over again. The imbalance continues, and that sets off a whole series of physical reactions that can cause real damage over time. You'll see this manifested in gastro-intestinal, neurological, or muscular malfunction, to name a few.

For many people, the emotional pain they're in is so debilitating they can't even begin to work on correcting wrong thinking, exploring abuse issues, or addressing unhealthy, sabotaging choices. That's why doctors and therapists often prescribe medication - to control the emotional pain so that the hard work of abuse recovery can begin.

People of faith often confuse emotional and mental problems with spiritual conditions. Let me be clear - there are certainly times when the condition of your spirit will deeply impact your emotions or mental health. For that matter, there are times when your spiritual condition can affect how your body works, too. This is because we're not pieces of a whole - we're a complex set of systems that must work together - one system affecting another which affects another which affects yet another. We get in trouble when this beautiful system of give-and-take gets out of balance.

I've heard ideas about taking medications - particularly medications for emotional pain - that deeply trouble me because of their glaring inconsistencies with other choices made when living with the benefits of a modern world. I've heard teachings that say if you take medication - any medication - then you don't have faith in God. This is inconsistent with examples found in the Bible where people used their wisdom, knowledge, and experiences to help alleviate suffering. Even the Apostle Paul told Timothy to drink a bit of wine for his stomach problems (1 Timothy 5:23). In other words - something created by skilled people could be used to alleviate Timothy's frequent illnesses (please note - this article is NOT about wine - it's about people using their knowledge and creativity to bring about change).

If taking medications is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should live in a cave without power or plumbing or lights because buildings and electricity and water supplies and toilets were invented by people. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, you should walk everywhere barefooted because shoes were invented by people to protect your feet. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should only eat food that you've picked from the wild or caught with your bare hands because farming, hunting, and fishing were invented by people. You'll not be able to cook anything, because fire was an invention of people. The fact that you're reading this article from a computer indicates you have no problem using the creative God-given power of invention.


Like electric lights or bicycles or the alphabet or grain millstones, God has given people an enormous capacity to learn, invent, and improve the quality of life. This capacity includes the invention of medications. Some of those medications cure infections. Some control blood pressure. Some correct brain chemistry so that emotional balance can be restored.

Like everything else, there's balance to this discussion. I've seen people so drugged out on psychiatric medication that they're almost like zombies. To me - that's as troubling as people who refuse to take medication when they need to. I've seen lazy doctors who would rather write a prescription than get to the source of a problem. I've seen people who only take advantage of part of the healing process - they take medication but don't work on faulty thinking or abuse recovery work - all of which takes a HUGE amount of personal energy and commitment to change.

God has given people the ability to alleviate suffering, to improve the quality of life, and to overcome otherwise devastating circumstances. That's the ultimate understanding of a life of faith. When we realize that the wheel was a good invention, we also realize that God gave us an enormous capacity to learn, reason, and create – even to create medication that can do tremendous good when used appropriately.

The decision to take meds for the emotional issues you have - particularly if you've experienced abuse - is very personal and very complicated. You'll need the diagnosis of a good physician, the guidance of a good counselor, and the personal commitment to do the hard work of becoming healthier. You may benefit from appropriate medications taken for a brief period of time. You may need medications for an extended period of time. You may never need that kind of assistance at all. Everyone is different. What works for you may not be appropriate for anyone else, and vice versa.

You are a spiritual, physical, and emotional being. All of those systems are delicately balanced to work together. When trauma - like abuse – interrupts that balance, steps will need to be taken to bring order back to that unfair chaos. Sometimes that will involve medications. Sometimes it will involve meditation or prayer. Sometimes it will involve exercise and a good night's sleep. Talk to your doctor. Do some research about alternative medicine too - such as homeopathic treatment. Learn about options that might be available and be very proactive in taking control of your life. Above all things – tend to your spirit and nurture it back to health, just as you nurture your mind, emotions, and body.

In Praise Of . . .

Just last week, we were having prayer time with our five year old grandson. Here's how he started his prayer, "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" Wow! What would happen if you began your prayers for the next ten days with THAT opener!

As the old saying goes, "Attitude is EVERYTHING!" That's a BIG problem for abuse survivors - we tend to focus on the negative, which then impacts our outlook, our thinking, our relationships, and even our health. Negativity is a VERY unfair legacy of abuse. In many ways, that's what keeps the damaging, sabotaging way you've functioned going. It's what sets you up for dysfunctional relationships, unhealthy habits, mental chaos, and spiritual despair.

Now please understand, I'm about as UN-Pollyanna-ish as a person can get, but I know the value of intentionally looking for positive things - even in the most negative of life experiences. That's not the same thing as denial, but it IS a shifting in attitude to recognize that there is wonder and even beauty in some very dark moments of life.

Interesting research has been conducted to see why two people can have the same traumatic experiences and one becomes incapacitated, while the other eventually recovers in a functional way. The difference between a resilient person and one who is less resilient involves positive emotion and positive outlook.

I don't think it's an accident that Jesus taught us if we want to understand the great, unknowable, cosmic genius of God, we need to become like a child (Matthew 18:3). I always regain focus and perspective when I'm around children (I'm also happy when they're asleep, too - and quiet can resume!). Kids are caught up in the wonder of life. When you were abused, people stole that sense of wonder from you and replaced it with a cynical, dark viewpoint. Well, our life experiences certainly introduced us to a disturbing worldview, BUT I believe that worldview can be directly challenged – challenged with intentional recognition of wonder. This intentional recognition goes beyond what is around you, it also goes WITHIN you!

Now, think about a strawberry. I know this sounds a bit crazy, but have you ever considered all that goes into a single strawberry that you get from a store? Someone planted it - someone who has hopes and dreams just like you. The Earth that God made nourished it, the rain watered it, and the sun warmed it. Another person - another being with hopes and dreams - did back-breaking work to pick that strawberry. An entire system of harvest, processing, transportation, marketing, and distribution made it possible to get that strawberry to you.

One of the self-disciplines I'm really working on right now is to think about the miracle of each meal, of each breath, or each moment of wonder. So today, I sing the praises of all who made that strawberry possible. I sing the praises of me. I sing the praises of the ONE who made it all possible. When I choose to live in praise of the little things and big things - then I build within myself a resiliency that can endure tremendous difficulty.

So, how can you live in praise of . . .? Let's practice! Repeat after me . . . "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" You might even want to throw in a few kudos’ for strawberries, too!

Dysfunctional Familiarity

Many years ago, I traveled to Honduras. I was the guest of some Americans who invited me there to teach several seminars. I love to travel and one the best parts of travel - in my opinion - is trying local foods and experiencing local customs. Well, imagine my disappointment when our first meal in Honduras was at an American restaurant chain. It was the same menu as the chain's restaurant in the United States, except it was written in Spanish. Before the week was over, I ate several meals at American franchise restaurant chains. They were all very familiar to me and there was absolutely no challenge to try new foods, experience new customs, or even the struggle to communicate with the wait staff.

I finally asked if we could please go to a local, mom-and-pop owned restaurant or cantina, which we did. As soon as we walked in, I was in a completely unfamiliar setting. I did not know what anything was on the menu, I struggled to communicate, and the setting was extremely different from what I was used to. I felt as if I didn't belong because I was in a very different setting that I was unaccustomed to. But I found that as I made an effort to understand and be understood, that both the workers and the customers were happy to help me find my way around. I stretched to try out my very rusty Spanish, but somehow managed to convey what I wanted to eat. I've never had such wonderful beans, rice, and tortillas in my life, but it required an effort on my part. I was a fish out of water in this small, grungy cantina - a place that was completely unfamiliar to me.

This sense of unfamiliarity is one reason that abuse survivors hesitate to try new approaches to life and relationships. For most of us, we are most familiar with dysfunction. The way we eat, relate, work, parent, partner, and live has been dysfunctional for a long time. So long, in fact, that we may not know any other way. As unhealthy as it is, your "normal" may be extremely self-defeating and ineffective. At the same time – that’s what you know. You know the menu, the language, the setting, and the customs. That's what feels natural and effortless.

When you start that transition to healthy choices, appropriate boundaries, and adequate self-care, you're suddenly in uncharted territory. You're not familiar with the language, customs, or settings. Abuse survivors often struggle when they feel powerless and believe me - when you're trying out "healthy" for the first time - your unfamiliarity with it can cause you to feel very out-of-control, even powerless.

You may actually panic and revert back to what you know best, rather than ride out that unfamiliarity until you become more comfortable. It takes a while to grow accustomed to functional living. It also takes time for the people in your life to adjust to your new way of living, behaving, and thinking. Of course, if you're getting healthier, it may actually feel threatening to the dysfunctional people in your life who might not want you to grow. That's when the panic can really set in if you're not careful.

Trying anything new brings with it a certain level of anxiety and uncertainty. That's normal. If you recognize that this sense of unfamiliarity is a normal part of the healthy growth process, then you've already conquered it. It is what it is. When you know that, you can also develop strategies to stabilize yourself if you panic or feel like a foreigner.

You know, the best meal I had in Honduras on that trip was as that grungy cantina. It was worth the effort and the uncomfortable feeling of not understanding anything. As I pushed through those obstacles, I found there were people willing to help me, unknown tastes and experiences that turned out to be wonderful, and a deep sense of personal pride that I went beyond the familiar - in my case the American restaurant chain - to really have an encounter with the very culture I wanted to be a part of. You'll have those same moments in your journey from familiar dysfunction to healthy choices. While it may not be your "normal" at first, that too will change over time - and you'll feel a deep sense of personal accomplishment and pride when it happens.

Complexities of Damage

People often wonder why their experiences with childhood abuse impact them so deeply. Why does the damage live on and on in so many of us? Why isn't it like a scraped knee that heals up so that you can just move on? Why do you struggle with anger or depression or fear or chaos or addiction or dysfunction decades after the abuse ends?

That's a complex question and the response is equally complex. The complexity rests in the fact that nothing in your life occurs in a vacuum. The perpetrator. The people who wouldn't or couldn't protect you. The time and place. The circumstances that facilitated the abuse. Your own physical, mental, spiritual, and social needs and conditions at the time. These - as well as many others - are all part of the context in which your abuse occurred.

Abuse - the full context of abuse - changes the way you think about yourself and the world. The way you think about trust and security is altered. The way you approach relationships is overshadowed by pain or terror or fear of abandonment. The value you see in yourself and others is skewed. That context of abuse is imprinted in your mind and heart and becomes the navigator. If you're not careful, you will live on auto-pilot with this navigator steering you to sabotage relationships, devalue yourself, withdraw, attack, or disappear.

The context of abuse teaches you that safety and goodness are not necessarily guaranteed. That lesson is often learned very well and the complexity of that lesson is that it's based on reality. You weren't safe. Bad things did happen. But the other part of that reality is that there are, in fact, good and decent people who are not out to abandon or harm or exploit you.

The complexities of abuse's damage can determine how you cope with stressful situations now. You may work very hard to be self-sufficient - avoiding the need to need anyone. You may cling or obsess or be hyper-vigilant. You may pretend that your past doesn't include the disturbing experience of abuse. You may drive yourself and everyone around you crazy with your anxiety, your fear, and your rage. It's complicated.

The path to becoming healthier requires a recognition that your dysfunctional beliefs about yourself and the world - maybe even God - are not determined solely by the actual abuse. It is larger than that. It is the context. Life - your life - is still lived out in a context. The challenge is to separate the context that you function in today from the context in which your abuse occurred. They are not the same. Even if the same people are in your life - even if you're in the same town and the same house and the same room - it's different. If nothing else, the difference is that you're seeking personal empowerment and a healthier path. That alone, is a huge step to re-arranging the context of your life today.



September 11, 2001
The anniversary is upon us. To commemorate this brutal atrocity, let's work for peace, and strive to be people of grace and mercy. There is no better way to honor those who lost their lives than to be the reflect the love of Christ in this dark, sad world.

We will never forget. Never.

Vertigo

I've struggled with vertigo a good portion of my adult life. Yep, you might say I'm a dizzy blond (bad pun, I know). Vertigo is a very disorienting condition. The room spins, regardless of whether you're standing, sitting, or lying down. You lose your balance. You get nauseated. In some cases vertigo can completely incapacitate you! Once, I had a episode so debilitating I couldn't even give a telephone interview for a radio program!

For abuse survivors - abuse of any kind creates that same sense of vertigo. In this case, however, it's spiritual and emotional vertigo - sometimes physical, sexual, and relational too. Abuse is very disorienting when it's happening, but the damage doesn't end there. It completely spins your world around and can continue to create internal and external chaos and confusion for years.

Vertigo is usually caused by tiny calcified bits in the inner ear. Medications are not particularly effective in controlling the symptoms. My doctor told me the best thing I can do to control vertigo is to take care of the source in my inner ear. She explained that it's like dissolving sugar in tea. You have to stir the tea to dissolve it. So my "treatment" as well as prevention from further episodes is to lay on the edge of my bed with my head hanging off, and roll from side to side for a few minutes. And you know what . . . it worked! Dealing with the problem, versus treating the symptoms, helped substantially in controlling and even reducing the vertigo episodes.

There's an obvious correlation here when dealing with your abuse “vertigo.” Covering it up, numbing it, or pretending it doesn't exist - none of these are really effective strategies to be able to function for any sustained period of time. While it would be nice to just take a pill, drink a drink, or click your heels three times and "poof!" everything's fine - that's not the way it works.

Abuse recovery is a pro-active way of living. That's not a statement of despair; it's a statement of empowerment. Some people think that the task of making on-going healthy choices means they're doomed to struggle for the rest of their lives - that they'll never be "healed." I think it's just the opposite. I think the moment you make a healthy choice - a proactive choice, you're already there. Every step you walk on this path of being a healthier, balanced person is miraculous and powerful and amazing!

To lie down and be dizzy is one thing. To lie down, even though you ARE dizzy, and roll around until you dissolve that bit of debris - that is proactive! That effort - metaphorically and spiritually - means you have empowered yourself to get up, find your bearings, and catch a more accurate view of life. Each tiny step you take, each proactive choice you make - big or small - brings you into a place of more accurate perspective. It gives you a glimpse of what it is you're working so hard for.