Among the Dead

The angels asked it at the empty tomb. “Why do you look for the living among the dead?” (Luke 24:5) They were speaking to the women who thought they would find Jesus' corpse, but instead, they found nothing. People around the world celebrate this empty tomb each year as Easter. The question asked by angels then is a valid one for abuse survivors to contemplate today. Why are you looking for life among the dead?

If you're like most abuse survivors, you've probably spent enormous amounts of time, energy, and resources trying to fix the chaos you experience in your mind, soul, and body. Perhaps you turned to food or anger. Perhaps you turned to drinking or drugs. Maybe sex was your hiding place or work or religion or dysfunctional people. Your search for that take-your-breath-away moment that will make everything better has most likely taken you to the same places that thousands of others have gone. After all, we all carry our scars in different places and in different ways - but they're still scars, nonetheless.

So, here you are. You've been shattered, confused, chaotic, and diminished and you're looking - really looking - for . . . something. You try this. You try that. But it feels more like you arrived at "almost there" rather than "THERE!"

The women who found the empty tomb of Jesus were expecting a corpse. They experienced such heart-wrenching trauma as they saw their friend, brother, son, and teacher tortured and killed - that they could only pursue what they knew - death. One key point in this story is that they were surprised when they didn't find what they were looking for.

Looking at your own abuse recovery, you've had this same kind of sense - that you didn't find what you thought would most certainly fix things - and that surprises you. These traumatized friends of Jesus were looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing. They were at a tomb looking for a corpse. What would change them forever could not be found there.

The good news is that every time you look for life in dead places, practices, or relationships - you've eliminated one more thing that hasn't worked for you. The great news is that life - the life of freedom, renewal, and hope - that life begins when the question "Why do you look for the living among the dead?" beckons you to look elsewhere - to follow that Guide who will lead you away from the grave to a place where the living dwell.

Becoming

Life is a lively process of becoming.
-Douglas MacArthur

Spiritual Hunger

The burden many abuse survivors carry involves the contradictory feelings we have toward God. Ambivalence is when you have two opposite thoughts or feelings that occur at the same time about someone or something. It is the pendulum swinging back and forth between love and hate, repulsion and attraction, need and isolation. This same pendulum swing can characterize your connection with God, too.

Is it possible to be enraged with God and still hunger for that spiritual connection? Yep. In fact, it's a pretty common experience and a pretty chaotic dilemma. Sometimes Scripture can help to clarify your confusion, sometimes it can feel as if it clouds your path. There's one particular Scripture I want to examine and frame in the context of abuse recovery. It is Philippians 3:10-11. This was written by Paul and the passage seems to be packed with his own yearning for that connection we all struggle with. Paul wrote, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Let's dissect this and apply it to your spiritual journey.

I want to know Christ. Even if you're enraged with God, even if the church has been one of your most brutal abusers, you may feel this same sentiment - I want to KNOW Christ. Who he was. Who he is. What he taught. Why he lived and died as he did. Why this wonderful being experienced life in such harsh and cruel ways. It is precisely THIS spiritual hunger which yearns for that place where you KNOW - really know Christ. It is earnest and raw and real.

I want to know the power of his resurrection. Resurrection is an existence beyond death and destruction, that place of new beginnings and fresh eyes. That is spiritual yearning too. To exist beyond all the death and destruction, to find a new beginning, and to see life and yourself through fresh eyes. It is the cry of any abuse survivor - to be in a place of life, hope, and freshness.

I want to share in the fellowship of his suffering. This may not sound like a hope-filled statement, but it is. It is to be connected with a fellow traveler who knows what you know, who experienced abuse and exploitation as you have - and will take your hand and comfort you as one who knows first hand what kind of pain you're in. Isn't part of your spiritual hunger also the deep desire to be with others who understand? Those who get what's going on with you because they've experienced the same things, the same struggles, the same sorrow? It is the hunger to be understood and accepted even as you thrash in pain.

I want to become like him in his death. Woe! What? Be like him in his death?? And yet, abuse recovery is also as much about endings as new beginnings. It is about closure and grieving and walking away. It is about putting an end to old thinking, dysfunctional living, and self-sabotage. It is not about burying the truth - but about setting down an old life that has caused so much damage so that the power of resurrection becomes possible. Resurrection - in fact - is only possible with destruction that has been put down.

I want to attain the resurrection from the dead. That's honestly the destination for anyone who wants to move beyond abuse. The move from death to life. From darkness to light. From disconnection to intimate enlightenment.

So let's re-read the passage with these ideas in mind: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Spiritual hunger is not something to be starved. Sifting through the damage left by abuse, that spiritual ache - that terrible void for something bigger, kinder, and mystical - that is a hunger worth satisfying. As we honestly wrestle with that hunger - you will notice that pure love, cosmic yearning, and sacred mystery become road-signs to point you to the way forward.

I was like a stone that lies in deep mud, and he who is mighty came and in his compassion raised me up and exalted me very high and placed me on the top of the wall.

-Saint Patrick

Upcoming Western US Region Retreat

COMMITTED TO FREEDOM WOMEN’S RETREAT

Western USA Region Retreat

Deadline is quickly approaching!

You don't have to be falling apart. You can come angry with God. You can come with doubt.
You will leave empowered with spiritual tools to help you move beyond abuse.

Western US Region Retreat for Women

April 24-26, 2009 Colorado Springs, CO

The absolute deadline for your registration form to be RECEIVED is April 10th!

The Retreat begins at noon on Friday and concludes at 3 pm on Sunday.

This retreat is a very tactile and diverse experience. It is presented within a Christian framework, but all are welcome and respected. We will NEVER manipulate or pressure you. Take what you need and set the remainder aside.

Get a registration form

by calling 800-713-7837, by downloading one from our website, www.committedtofreedom.org,

or by writing us at Committed to Freedom - PO Box 20916 - Hot Springs, AR 71903-0916.

Cost is $450 - includes lodging, meals, retreat materials, and retreat.

Committed to Freedom, Inc. is a non-profit organization that provides people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse. This communication is provided for education and inspiration and does not constitute mental health treatment. This communication does not constitute legal or professional advice, nor is it indicative of a private therapeutic relationship. Individuals desiring help for abuse related issues or other psychological concerns should seek out a mental health professional.

Pure in Heart

“Pure” is an odd word – an odd concept – to consider when you’re an abuse survivor. Let’s face it – what was done to me – what was done to you – makes us feel anything BUT pure. I believe it is this sense of being contaminated, of being defiled and maybe even feeling impure – which can strongly contribute to our disconnect with God. What ties all of this together into a huge knot in your soul is shame. It’s false shame – but it’s there, nonetheless – and it packs a punch that can knock you to the ground, but not necessarily to your knees.

In what is known as “the Beatitudes,” Jesus taught “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8). Ah! So for those of us who are filled with this sense of contamination, defilement, impurity, and false shame – seeing God is often very difficult. It’s as if layers and layers of corrosive shame impair the connection you were born to have with your Creator. Picture a car battery with corrosion and goo around the charge posts. If that battery is going to get a good jump-start, the condition of those posts must change.

In mental health research, shame has been identified as a trigger that sends abuse survivors into dysfunctional or self-sabotaging behavior. So if you were raised in a religious tradition that used shame and guilt as a motivation for “getting right with God” – that may have had almost the exact OPPOSITE effect on you! Shame sets off a horrible tornado of dysfunctional thoughts that – perhaps – put another layer of corrosion between you and God. And yet – Jesus teaches that it is the pure in heart who will see God. I don’t have a lot figured out about God – but I do know that Jesus would never teach about something we could not possibly have.

So let’s untangle this to discover what PURE means and then separate that truth from the lies that tell you you’re contaminated, defiled, and impure. PURE means to be unmixed with any other matter that does not properly belong. So the first step to having a PURE heart is to remove what doesn’t belong. Believing you are defiled or contaminated doesn’t belong - the defiler and the contaminator were your abusers, not you. Believing that it is your shame, doesn’t belong – the shame belongs to your abusers, not you. It is false shame and false guilt.

Sometimes people equate purity with innocence. In the case of abuse, innocence was stolen. You have experiences, awareness, and knowledge that shattered your innocence. But Jesus taught that it was the PURE of heart that see God – not the innocent.

Your heart became caked with debris left by your abusers. Abuse recovery is partly about clearing away that debris – of removing what doesn’t belong. False shame doesn’t belong. Taking responsibility for your abusers’ actions doesn’t belong. Believing the messages that you are contaminated and defiled doesn’t belong. As you begin to recognize TRUTH – your worth, your sacred nobility, and the majestic being that you are – your heart transforms into a PURE one. Perhaps more accurately – you recognize what has a place and what does not. Yes – this takes practice at first. What in abuse recovery doesn’t! But rest assured, your heart is PURE. You’re just in the process of seeing that for yourself. As you do, the corrosion dissolves and the connection with God is less obstructed by goo.

One final point about being PURE of heart: the treatment of that idea in the context of this article is about abuse’s impact on your connection with God. Obviously, each of us must sift through our own debris, our OWN actions, that we packed around the wounds of abuse. That debris is different from the abuse’s contamination. That’s the rest of the Gospel story. But for most abuse survivors – the first step is to recognize the shattered heart – broken by the actions of others – is also a PURE heart. One that is more in-tune with the PURE heart of our Creator than we believed because of the lies that corroded that connection.

Radio Interviews
I'll be interviewed on WWJC radio station tomorrow, March 13th at 10:30 am Central Time. This is a live interview and can be heard on AM850 in Minnesota/Wisconsin in the Duluth/Superior area, or by internet live-stream from the station website: www.wwjc.com

I'll also be interviewed on The Debbie Chavez Internet Talk Show on internet radio on Tuesday, March 17th, at 11:00 am Central Time. You can hear this interview from their website: www.debbiechavez.com

A third interview will be Thursday, March 19th on radio station KNEO, 91.7 FM (southwest Missouri) on The Author's Corner with Adam Winkler. You can hear this interview from their website: www.kneo.org

The Kingdom of God is Within You.
-Jesus
Luke 17:21
The Bible

Lent and Abuse Recovery

Lent is a Christian observance consisting of forty days leading up to Easter, the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. This is a profoundly important season for some people and one of complete irrelevance for others, depending on your spiritual practices and beliefs. The discussion of how Lent is observed is not the focus here. The focus is on how you can incorporate some of the practices associated with Lent into your abuse recovery.

Generally speaking, three things accompany the observance of Lent: sacrifice, prayer, and charity. Here are some suggestions to consider incorporating in your life between now and Easter that have the potential to facilitate greater healing for you. Regardless of your spiritual practices or faith traditions, these suggestions can accompany you on your personal journey to bring comfort and purpose to your recovery process.

Sacrifice
Consider sacrificing your practice of negative and degrading self-talk. What would happen if you abstained from talking to yourself in condemning and demeaning ways for forty days? What would happen if you sacrificed your habits of tearing yourself down, of speaking with disrespect to yourself and your worth until Easter? Negative self-talk may be much harder to give up than chocolate cake or beer! This is a sacrifice of long-toxic habits.

Prayer
Consider spending five minutes a day (or more) in quiet reflection and meditation. Sit in silence, release your spirit to seek God’s peace, love, wisdom, and direction. Open your heart and mind up as a receptor. Don’t ask. Don’t talk. Receive, connect, and drink deeply from God’s unconditional acceptance of you.

Charity
Look beyond yourself to those in need around you. Speak kindly to your family (yes, even THAT member of your family like your partner or your child!), your friends, and your colleagues. Call a minimum wage fast food worker by his or her name and thank them for serving you. Leave a tip for the maid who cleaned your hotel room. Donate food to feed hungry people, open the door for a young punk who is behind you at the convenience store or burger joint and say “Please, go ahead!” Look people in the eyes and smile. Prepare a meal for a single parent and bring it to their family.

Observance
Abstinence of negative self-talk, quiet meditation with God, and looking beyond yourself can bring a connection to the observance of Lent into your abuse recovery. Who knows, if you try this for forty days, maybe you’ll continue it for forty more!

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
- Marilyn vos Savant