Development for a Lifetime

In the last century, psychologists identified distinctive developmental stages of children from birth up to late adolescence. Transition from each of these stages is marked by clear changes in personality, physical, social, emotional, and mental development. Up until the end of last century, many professionals considered development to be pretty much accomplished by the time a boy or girl reached 20.

Intuitively, we all know this isn't completely true. I'm 55 years old and I hardly even resemble the person I was when I was 20, 30, or even 40. Of course, as knowledge continues to grow and research documents accurate information, the findings have revealed what we all know - that development is a lifelong process. This is especially good news for abuse survivors.

Childhood abuse can make you feel stuck. Your emotions may be those of an eight year old, your thoughts are childish, your personality feels stranded in early puberty, and your relationships may resemble those of kindergarteners. Because abuse can define you, being stranded in these emotional, intellectual, or social stages feels permanent. That may be what it feels like, but it's not what it has to be. As long as you are breathing, you are changing. You are on a lifelong journey of development that can move you beyond the stages where you feel stuck.

I often have people ask me “When will I be healed?” I'm not sure that is the most accurate way to think about your journey. This is not so much about "arriving" as much as it is about becoming healthier. Life after abuse is challenging, there's no doubt about it - but as you grow, exchange the lies for truth, shift your views about your body, mind, spirit, and relationships - you become healthier.

Tantrums can be replaced with responsible use of your voice. Dysfunctional relationships can be responded to with appropriate boundaries, a clearer understanding of your own value, and a recognition that your wants and needs are not to be used to harm yourself or others. Thinking can become balanced with fact finding, logical questions, counsel from wise friends, and embracing your true worth.

Yes, many abuse survivors are stuck, developmentally. But eventually, you will get sick of the self-sabotaging merry-go-round and decide you are ready to grow. In many ways, how that happens is up to you. Your life is yours - not your abusers'. Want to know how mature people think? Read and listen to people you respect. Want to know how functional relationships work? Look around you - there are people out there who have figured out how to co-exist with flawed peopled. Want to know how to handle threat or fear or lust or rage? Identify people who seem to understand how this is done and learn. Developmentally - that's how children learn. They watch, they listen, and they mimic until they become unique individuals who are in a constant state of change.

Don't be afraid to experiment. What you see, read, hear, and experience - you can learn from. You can incorporate what works for you and what helps you to grow. You will fail - but failure isn't a bad thing if you learn from it. That's the ultimate developmental challenge - to try, to risk, and to evolve. You'll become healthier, and as you age - you'll be fabulous!

Messy Healing

Abuse recovery is often a sloppy process. There are times when you may wonder if it's really worth all the mess. After all, isn't it easier just to pretend everything's okay rather than to rock the boat? That may be a short term response, but in the long haul, it is not a healthy one.

In all honesty, you already spend enormous amounts of energy to stuff, numb, deny, eat, drink, work, spend, hide, or rage your pain away. The mess will eventually erupt somewhere - either with self sabotage, dysfunctional relationships, or a broken connection with God. The question is, will you treat the symptoms or treat the real issues of broken trust, loss of power and control, and a shattered sense of self?

If you've ever had a bad cough, you know there are a number of products out there that you can take, but there's a down side. If you take medicine that only suppresses the cough, then all the congestion and infection never leaves your lungs. You could find yourself in a terrible condition if you simply suppress the symptoms.

Another option is to take an expectorant, which means that you will cough, but that cough is going to be worth the effort. Gooey stuff will leave your body and your lungs will clear. It will be messy for a brief period of time. It would seem that not coughing would be better, but that may actually make you sicker.

As you consider pursuit of healing, be prepared for some messy moments when all the goo from the past pushes up to the surface. The good news is, once you've dealt with the messy parts of healing, you're healthier and more empowered to live in a way that honors you, your potential, and your Creator.

Toxic Jobs

Most people work. Some of us work for pay. Some of us volunteer. Some of us are not paid enough for what we do. Some are paid way too much for way too little. Whether you work for a large corporation or you work with one other person, there are going to be moments that can drive you to the edge of the cliff!

On a good day, many abuse survivors struggle to maintain healthy attitudes and functional relationships. On bad days - well . . . things can fall apart pretty easily. Your job can often be a particularly stressful environment where soured relationships make your life extremely difficult. What does your childhood abuse have to do with this? A lot!

Dysfunctional relationships often plague abuse survivors. There are many reasons for this. Because abuse distorts your perspective about people - their motives, their attitudes, their language, their temperament, even their appearance - you may live in a way that actually expects relationships to be difficult. Because abuse distorts how you view yourself, you have an inner dialogue going on that exaggerates fear, insecurity, rage, sexual cues, and negativity. Because abuse is always about power inequality, you may not respond well to supervisors or subordinates.

You may be the most competent person in your work environment, but if you are defensive, feel threatened, or have something to prove, it will impact how you relate to your colleagues. This is true whether you work at a fast food restaurant or a nuclear medicine facility. This is true whether you're a stay-at-home parent or a career work-a-holic.

Another factor may be how you choose your battles, and how you choose to fight them. Abuse changes the way you express your wants and needs. Most abuse survivors communicate either by silence and withdrawal, or by aggressive hostility. Not everything is worth a conflict, and at the same time, sometimes a conflict is in order.

Many years ago I took a job working in an office environment, the boss who hired me after a great interview turned into a tyrant within hours after I began. He was demeaning and hostile to me and everyone else. I was in shock at this toxic environment that unfolded at the first staff meeting. I had been working on recovering my voice, learning how to process experiences that upset me, and learning the difference between attacking and assertiveness.

Had I experienced this kind of toxic environment even a few years earlier, I would have internalized this and taken it home with me where it would have gone sideways on my family, my health, and my integrity. But, like I said, I had become a healthier person and decided to act like an adult. I asked to speak with this man and explained to him that I had every intention of giving this job 110%, but that I would not be spoken to or treated in the manner that he had just displayed toward me and my colleagues. I told him I expected to be treated in a professional way and that I planned to do the same. We were clear about boundaries from the beginning and - although we certainly had our struggles - I was able to be proactive and emotionally neutral in setting those parameters.

Don't get me wrong - I realize this isn't possible in every work environment or situation, and it's certainly not possible with every boss or every subordinate. But the challenge for you - if you find yourself in a toxic job - is to strategically plan to keep yourself healthy. To carefully measure how your work environment is given permission to poison your life. To build strategies into your life that will either give you a chance to eventually move on (such as going back to school) or give you a chance to recharge and regroup each day (such as doing deep breathing, reading books you love, playing sports, or participating in a faith community). People vary in how they function in toxic jobs. Sometimes, it's really as simple as approaching it from another perspective. Sometimes, it's as difficult as filing a complaint or going back to school for advanced training so you have more opportunities. Gandhi said, "No one can hurt me unless I let them." That sounds simplistic - and in many ways it is - but ultimately it is about how much power you are going to let others have in determining WHO you are and HOW you choose to respond to adversity.

I've been trapped many times in jobs that were just awful. Jobs where I was harassed and battered. Jobs where I wasn't paid (and I'm not talking volunteer jobs either!). Jobs that asked way too much and returned way too little. But the mark we strive for in work or play or life is measured by the words of Jesus. He said, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10). Toxic work environments require a strategy from you or you're going to get poisoned. Figure out how to wear an emotional and spiritual gas mask and flourish where you are. Don't settle for less than who you are, but don't impulsively shoot yourself in the foot either. There are many things in life you can't change. This is not about looking for greener grass (but if you have a chance to go to that meadow – do it!). How you live with that reality makes the difference between become healthier and stronger, and being filled with toxins that you give power to poison you.

Extreme Parenting

Whether it was physical, emotional, or sexual childhood abuse, if any of these happened to you when you were a child and now you have children of your own - it impacts what kind of parent you are. Most parents who are abuse survivors start out very committed to being a good mom or dad. Those good intentions tend to breakdown almost immediately. Your baby screams constantly, your toddler throws perpetual temper tantrums, your third grader hates everything you set on the table, your 14 year old is rebellious and strong willed.

In the big picture of being a parent - you have nothing but the best intentions. In fact, you may feel as if you're on a mission to do things very differently - to do things the right way - to give your kids what you never had. But high ideals and day-to-day living rarely work together. Parents with a history of childhood abuse are easily frustrated with their children. You may place such high expectations on your children (and on yourself as a parent) that no one can ever meet them. Because you may not really know what is normal for a child, you can feel completely threatened by your children's behaviors.

Developmentally, children are often aggressive and uncooperative. They are also sexually curious. Both of these are very normal. But for you - an abuse survivor - if your child is aggressive, you feel very threatened. In fact, you might feel so ill-prepared for normal mouthiness or disobedience that you have flashbacks of your own abuse. If your child is sexually curious about his or her own body, your body, or others, it feels perverted and disgusting. It is most likely just normal sexual curiosity that you can use as an excuse to discuss sexuality and how precious everyone's body is. You can help your children to respect their bodies, to be careful what they do in private and in public, and to understand the concept of boundaries. You can acknowledge that when they touch their bodies, it feels good. That's a much better reaction than to scream, think immediately that they've been molested, or shame them for exploring their bodies.

You feel powerless to handle this child who is just behaving like a normal child. That powerless taps deeply into how you experienced abuse - as a powerless person unable to control your abuser. This time, however, the shoe is on the other foot and you feel as if you’re almost back in that victim role. This, of course, isn't true - but this is what it feels like at some level inside you. When you feel threatened, you may lash out in a very extreme way to feel empowered - but because your reaction is so extreme, you can do damage to your child - to the relationship, and maybe even to that little one's body, mind, heart, and spirit. Then you feel ashamed, and you’re either acting like a victim or a tyrant.

I remember one occasion when my own children were very small. We were on a family camping trip and one of my children found a large rock to bring home. For reasons that just don't matter now, I said "no." We were having a great time, my children had been so good for the entire trip, our family was having fun camping, but that rock suddenly became intolerable to me. When I said "no," that set off an avalanche of "PLEEEEZZEE!!!! I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME! PU-LA-EEZZZ!" from my child. Suddenly, I wasn't talking to my child, I was re-fighting with my own childhood powerlessness and it blinded me with panic. I felt threatened that my instructions weren't being followed. I raised my voice, had a fit, and was about to take that rock and throw it into the woods when my husband said, "Um . . . we're camping . . . it's a rock . . . it's no big deal." It was like someone threw cold water in my face. What was wrong with me? No one was threatening me.

My child's camping souvenir was not a titan power struggle with me. It was a rock. We were camping. It was no big deal. Even now, to tell this - it sounds ridiculous and insignificant, but inside, I had a complete meltdown. It was so extreme, so ridiculous, and so inappropriate that I am still ashamed of myself.

We live in a culture that celebrates extremes. Extreme sports. Extreme vacations. Extreme food. Extreme homes. While some extremes may be entertaining, when it comes to parenting, extremes are usually not good for parent or child. Your children are just that - developing people who are going to do really crazy stuff. They're going to gross you out, embarrass you, break something you really love, and do the exact opposite of what you tell them to do. They're going to run through the house naked when your pastor is visiting. They're going to pick their nose in public. They're going to tell the teacher "you're ugly" and be disruptive. These are all things that must be shaped and molded with maturity, reasonable boundaries, consequences, and love. I am a strong advocate of teaching children to monitor themselves and live in a responsible and compassionate way. There's a big difference between that and being an extreme parent.

Extreme parents are never satisfied with their children. They set impossible standards and then punish their children and themselves when those standards are not met. Abuse survivors are often overwhelmed by fear, by feeling threatened and powerless. That is normal for you, and something that will require careful monitoring and strong accountability to others so that the cycles of abuse end with your own childhood.

One surprising emotion you may feel toward your children is jealousy. This is especially true if you've worked very hard to give them a good life. Because they don't have the same point-of-reference that you have - abuse - they just take it for granted that they're loved, protected, given opportunities that you never had, and experience childhood in ways you've only dreamed of. Honestly, isn't that just about the best compliment a parent can have - that their children assume its normal to be loved, nurtured, protected, and empowered to become mature, independent people?

That’s not extreme parenting. It’s normal parenting. It's a reasonable goal and one you can achieve.