Development for a Lifetime

In the last century, psychologists identified distinctive developmental stages of children from birth up to late adolescence. Transition from each of these stages is marked by clear changes in personality, physical, social, emotional, and mental development. Up until the end of last century, many professionals considered development to be pretty much accomplished by the time a boy or girl reached 20.

Intuitively, we all know this isn't completely true. I'm 55 years old and I hardly even resemble the person I was when I was 20, 30, or even 40. Of course, as knowledge continues to grow and research documents accurate information, the findings have revealed what we all know - that development is a lifelong process. This is especially good news for abuse survivors.

Childhood abuse can make you feel stuck. Your emotions may be those of an eight year old, your thoughts are childish, your personality feels stranded in early puberty, and your relationships may resemble those of kindergarteners. Because abuse can define you, being stranded in these emotional, intellectual, or social stages feels permanent. That may be what it feels like, but it's not what it has to be. As long as you are breathing, you are changing. You are on a lifelong journey of development that can move you beyond the stages where you feel stuck.

I often have people ask me “When will I be healed?” I'm not sure that is the most accurate way to think about your journey. This is not so much about "arriving" as much as it is about becoming healthier. Life after abuse is challenging, there's no doubt about it - but as you grow, exchange the lies for truth, shift your views about your body, mind, spirit, and relationships - you become healthier.

Tantrums can be replaced with responsible use of your voice. Dysfunctional relationships can be responded to with appropriate boundaries, a clearer understanding of your own value, and a recognition that your wants and needs are not to be used to harm yourself or others. Thinking can become balanced with fact finding, logical questions, counsel from wise friends, and embracing your true worth.

Yes, many abuse survivors are stuck, developmentally. But eventually, you will get sick of the self-sabotaging merry-go-round and decide you are ready to grow. In many ways, how that happens is up to you. Your life is yours - not your abusers'. Want to know how mature people think? Read and listen to people you respect. Want to know how functional relationships work? Look around you - there are people out there who have figured out how to co-exist with flawed peopled. Want to know how to handle threat or fear or lust or rage? Identify people who seem to understand how this is done and learn. Developmentally - that's how children learn. They watch, they listen, and they mimic until they become unique individuals who are in a constant state of change.

Don't be afraid to experiment. What you see, read, hear, and experience - you can learn from. You can incorporate what works for you and what helps you to grow. You will fail - but failure isn't a bad thing if you learn from it. That's the ultimate developmental challenge - to try, to risk, and to evolve. You'll become healthier, and as you age - you'll be fabulous!