Whether it was physical, emotional, or sexual childhood abuse, if any of these happened to you when you were a child and now you have children of your own - it impacts what kind of parent you are. Most parents who are abuse survivors start out very committed to being a good mom or dad. Those good intentions tend to breakdown almost immediately. Your baby screams constantly, your toddler throws perpetual temper tantrums, your third grader hates everything you set on the table, your 14 year old is rebellious and strong willed.
In the big picture of being a parent - you have nothing but the best intentions. In fact, you may feel as if you're on a mission to do things very differently - to do things the right way - to give your kids what you never had. But high ideals and day-to-day living rarely work together. Parents with a history of childhood abuse are easily frustrated with their children. You may place such high expectations on your children (and on yourself as a parent) that no one can ever meet them. Because you may not really know what is normal for a child, you can feel completely threatened by your children's behaviors.
Developmentally, children are often aggressive and uncooperative. They are also sexually curious. Both of these are very normal. But for you - an abuse survivor - if your child is aggressive, you feel very threatened. In fact, you might feel so ill-prepared for normal mouthiness or disobedience that you have flashbacks of your own abuse. If your child is sexually curious about his or her own body, your body, or others, it feels perverted and disgusting. It is most likely just normal sexual curiosity that you can use as an excuse to discuss sexuality and how precious everyone's body is. You can help your children to respect their bodies, to be careful what they do in private and in public, and to understand the concept of boundaries. You can acknowledge that when they touch their bodies, it feels good. That's a much better reaction than to scream, think immediately that they've been molested, or shame them for exploring their bodies.
You feel powerless to handle this child who is just behaving like a normal child. That powerless taps deeply into how you experienced abuse - as a powerless person unable to control your abuser. This time, however, the shoe is on the other foot and you feel as if you’re almost back in that victim role. This, of course, isn't true - but this is what it feels like at some level inside you. When you feel threatened, you may lash out in a very extreme way to feel empowered - but because your reaction is so extreme, you can do damage to your child - to the relationship, and maybe even to that little one's body, mind, heart, and spirit. Then you feel ashamed, and you’re either acting like a victim or a tyrant.
I remember one occasion when my own children were very small. We were on a family camping trip and one of my children found a large rock to bring home. For reasons that just don't matter now, I said "no." We were having a great time, my children had been so good for the entire trip, our family was having fun camping, but that rock suddenly became intolerable to me. When I said "no," that set off an avalanche of "PLEEEEZZEE!!!! I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME! PU-LA-EEZZZ!" from my child. Suddenly, I wasn't talking to my child, I was re-fighting with my own childhood powerlessness and it blinded me with panic. I felt threatened that my instructions weren't being followed. I raised my voice, had a fit, and was about to take that rock and throw it into the woods when my husband said, "Um . . . we're camping . . . it's a rock . . . it's no big deal." It was like someone threw cold water in my face. What was wrong with me? No one was threatening me.
My child's camping souvenir was not a titan power struggle with me. It was a rock. We were camping. It was no big deal. Even now, to tell this - it sounds ridiculous and insignificant, but inside, I had a complete meltdown. It was so extreme, so ridiculous, and so inappropriate that I am still ashamed of myself.
We live in a culture that celebrates extremes. Extreme sports. Extreme vacations. Extreme food. Extreme homes. While some extremes may be entertaining, when it comes to parenting, extremes are usually not good for parent or child. Your children are just that - developing people who are going to do really crazy stuff. They're going to gross you out, embarrass you, break something you really love, and do the exact opposite of what you tell them to do. They're going to run through the house naked when your pastor is visiting. They're going to pick their nose in public. They're going to tell the teacher "you're ugly" and be disruptive. These are all things that must be shaped and molded with maturity, reasonable boundaries, consequences, and love. I am a strong advocate of teaching children to monitor themselves and live in a responsible and compassionate way. There's a big difference between that and being an extreme parent.
Extreme parents are never satisfied with their children. They set impossible standards and then punish their children and themselves when those standards are not met. Abuse survivors are often overwhelmed by fear, by feeling threatened and powerless. That is normal for you, and something that will require careful monitoring and strong accountability to others so that the cycles of abuse end with your own childhood.
One surprising emotion you may feel toward your children is jealousy. This is especially true if you've worked very hard to give them a good life. Because they don't have the same point-of-reference that you have - abuse - they just take it for granted that they're loved, protected, given opportunities that you never had, and experience childhood in ways you've only dreamed of. Honestly, isn't that just about the best compliment a parent can have - that their children assume its normal to be loved, nurtured, protected, and empowered to become mature, independent people?
That’s not extreme parenting. It’s normal parenting. It's a reasonable goal and one you can achieve.
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