Normal

Do you ever have that nagging sense that you don't quite fit? That everyone else but you knows what to do, how to interact with others, how to think and feel? I often wondered if there wasn't a neon sign on my forehead that broadcast to the world, "alien life-form, doesn't belong."

A history of childhood abuse leaves many people with these sensations. Because these experiences happen while you're forming ideas about yourself, others, and God - how you interact with life is deeply impacted. Your "normal" was shaped by the abnormal and destructive experiences of abuse. You responded, reacted, coped, and suffered through abuse - an abnormality that no child should have to go through. Even if everyone in your family and neighborhood experienced abuse, there is nothing normal about that. That's not what a child should expect from life - although it is the reality of many children and vulnerable people.

Children learn how to live and behave by imitating others. If those in your world were either abusive, unavailable, or passively responsible - you had models that gave you abnormal examples of how to live. You learned to expect dysfunction, broken trust, exploitation, terror, and stress. That became your "normal."

If these experiences and reactions are your normal - as you grow into an adult, these expectations and reactions grow too. It can create a nagging sense of not being normal, which can last throughout adolescence and well into adulthood. This can exaggerate isolation, fear of rejection, and expectations of being hurt.

As with every other aspect of abuse recovery, awareness is everything. Your discomfort is a substantial obstacle - but you must recognize that it is obvious mostly to you. Others really have no way to know how awkward you feel, how unwelcome you think you are, how untrusting you are, or how abnormal you feel.

Remind yourself of this. If you're not certain what a normal response is, watch how others seem to do so and evaluate if that is appropriate for you and for the situation. Take some time to sift through various aspects of your uncertainty so that you can make better choices. Recognize that you have just as much of a right to live and function as the next person. Don't expect others to give that to you - it's something for you to claim as your own and function in, accordingly.

You are normal - how you coped and responded during the abuse - normal. Normal - just like everyone else who has ever been abused. How you grew your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors after abuse is also normal - under the circumstances. The challenge for you is to make sure that your "normal" is also appropriate and constructive for you and others. “Harm none” - is a way of life that can help to guide you through your questions of normal versus not normal.