Protective Adults

Every time I read about a child who is abused, I become enraged. Saddened - yes - but also enraged. How can an adult do such a thing to a child or vulnerable person? Why did that adult abuse rather than protect? Who protects that child now? Who helps that child to heal? Who nurtures and provides for that child?

These are questions that often have no good answers. The tragic reality is that most children who are abused grow up with wounds unattended, with protection non-existent, and with their foundations for living shattered.

Abused children arrive at adulthood with serious obstacles. Impaired ability to trust. Intimacy problems. Terror of abandonment. Skewed understandings of faith, spirituality, and God. Depression. Food issues. Confusion about sexuality. Rage. Addictions. Anxiety. Fear. These are just a few issues that many abuse survivors struggle with.

Studies show that children who receive immediate help after abuse is disclosed fare much better than those who don't. Children who are believed, sheltered, nurtured, and attended to can move on much better than those who don't. Sadly, most children will never disclose that abuse is taking place. Many are not believed or protected, even if they disclose. Some are even blamed for the abuse, rather than having adult advocates to step in on their behalf. These realities are what make the wounds go so deep in your mind, spirit, and body.

While the journey beyond abuse can feel formidable to an abuse survivor, it is not impossible. The journey beyond abuse leads to making healthier choices about how you live, who you are, and how you interact with both people and God. For this to happen, a fundamental experience must take place. You - the adult - must assume the role of protective, nurturing parent of yourself!

I've said this many times before, but it merits repeating. This isn't fair. The fact that you were abused. The fact that you were wounded. The fact that it's up to you to nurture yourself. None of this is fair. Take a breath. That's the reality. You can kick and scream and fight it, but it still boils down to you making healthy choices to cherish, nurture, and protect yourself. Of course, there are many layers and phases of moving beyond abuse, but at the core is YOU - deciding to treat yourself with the kindness, patience, compassion, and protection that you would offer to an abused child.

Examine how you talk to yourself. Are you kind and patient with that wounded child? Do you let that child make mistakes and then use them as growth opportunities instead of personal annihilation? Do you insist that your unhealthy inner-child eats right, sleeps enough, exercises appropriately, and plays enough? Do you remove that child from toxic people and situations that might cause further harm? Do you introduce that child to a kind and compassionate God who loves and cherishes, rather than condemns and punishes? Do you help that child to explore new relationships that are healthier and more functional? That builds up that child rather than tears down? Do you get that child the help needed? Are you an advocate for yourself?

While there is much debate about whether or not an "inner child" exists, most abuse survivors know that they have something small, terrified, and vulnerable within them that needs attention. If you aren't careful with those broken places, then you run the risk of continuing the legacy of abuse - to yourself, and possibly to other vulnerable people who must depend on you for protection and provision.