Your Rights

There are times when abuse survivors can quickly get very confused and out-of-balance. This is particularly true when it comes to the issue of personal boundaries. How do personal boundaries work when it comes to your abusers or with those who were somehow connected to that abuse (directly or indirectly). How does that work with being a Christian?

I've seen the gambit of how this works. I've seen abuse survivors pressured by other Christians to reconcile with their abusers, pretend that nothing ever happened, and leave themselves wide open for further exploitation - or worse - leave their families open to become the next generation of victims by these people. I've also seen abuse survivors pressured to cut off anyone and everyone who had anything to do with the abuse, regardless of the circumstances. In other words, there is a lot of "all-or-nothing" advice floating around out there. Of course, these blanket, one-size-fits-all approaches rarely work because relationships and circumstances are rarely simple. It's also quite easy to tell other people what to do when you're not the one who pays the price for how those actions will be received.

The fact is that the relationships you may still have with your abusers or others who were somehow connected need to be navigated through with great awareness, wisdom, accountability, and truth. For some, your abusers may be people who should never see the light of day. They remain predatory, dangerous, manipulative, and perverted. For others, your abusers may be people who have taken responsibility for their actions, are deeply remorseful and truly penitent, and have become accountable to be supervised by others who will monitor their actions and attitudes.

One reason it is difficult to maintain boundaries with your abusers is that they violated them in the first place when they abused you! In some cases, they may STILL be violating your boundaries if you are unclear about what to do - about what your responsibilities are as a person of faith.

As you consider this, here are some boundaries that I believe you have the right to maintain with your abuser(s) and other relationships with people who were associated with the abuse (such as the passive person who did not protect you):

• You have the right to determine if and when your body is touched. (I Corinthians 6:19)
• You have the right to remove yourself from a situation where you feel degraded, devalued, or in danger. (Matthew 7:6)
• You have the right and responsibility to protect children and vulnerable adults from being abused. (Matthew 18:6; Mark 9:42; Luke 17:2)
• You have the right to withhold sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings if they will not be honored and respected. (Matthew 7:6)
• You are no longer a child. You are an adult. (I Corinthians 13:11)
• You have the right to live like an adult instead of a dependent, weak child. (I Corinthians 14:20)
• You have the right to use your voice - to express your needs and longings in a way that will honor God and protect yourself. (I Timothy 2:1)
• You have the right to say “No” and “Stop.” (Proverbs 2:11)
• You have the right to live your life to glorify God. (I Peter 2:12)
• You have the responsibility to give things that are sacred and precious only to those who understand and respect their value. (Matthew 7:6)

Let me encourage you to give consideration to these ideas - to these rights that are yours to maintain. These relationships are often not straightforward in how you're supposed to function. If you keep these individuals out of your life - out of the lives of your children and family - then there will be consequences that only you can weigh out - that only you can determine if it's worth it or not. That may be a completely appropriate and responsible course of action.

On the other hand, if you allow these individuals to have full or partial access to you and your children, there will be consequences to that decision, as well. This is not always black and white. It is in the gray areas that these boundaries and rights I have listed above may be helpful. Above all things, pray for guidance, wisdom, courage, and awareness as you consider how to proceed.