Dealing with Dysfunction

No matter how far you've come in your personal healing journey, no matter what decisions you've made or changes you've implemented, when you are in dysfunctional relationships, you've got some very real challenges. Some of these relationships may be long-standing and others may be recent additions. Some of these may be with your abusers or family-of-origin, others may be with your partner or boss or child. All of these require an extreme amount of energy to navigate through, but the dysfunctional one I want to address here is the one you may have with your abusers or your family-of-origin.

Relationships from your childhood or youth go down deep into your soul. Even if you haven't seen these people for years, they are entwined in your heart and mind. "Tangled" may be a more accurate way to say it!

I know I write about this a lot, but relationships can often make or break your progress - especially the dysfunctional ones. So let me point out the obvious:

• You already know these people. You know their habits, behavior, and attitudes. You know how quickly things will deteriorate. In fact, you can probably set your watch by it, it's so predictable. So there are few surprises. The only surprise might be good behavior!
• You already know how they push your buttons. You know what they do that drives you crazy, breaks your heart, or sends you into the closet to eat an entire cake or the bar to drink an entire bottle. In all honesty - you know how this works, so again - there are few surprises.

So to deal with dysfunction means that you recognize the obvious and adjust accordingly. Here are a few suggestions that might help you deal with the dysfunctional people in your life. Use them as a springboard to come up with your own strategies, and then stick to those plans!

1. If possible, limit your time with them. Not only face to face time, but phone time, email time, or text time.
2. Screen your calls and turn off technologies that make you accessible when you've had enough. It's better to connect when you're prepared, stable, and centered, than to feel pressured to be instantly available.
3. When (not IF, when!) they do or say the predictable, have a plan in place to keep you focused on health and peace. Build in exercise time, recreational time, or activities that you truly enjoy. Make sure your strategies are not self-destructive. If you sabotage yourself, then you don't have a strategy - you've just bought into the dysfunction.
4. Reject their negative energy. You know there are times when you can actually, physically sense the negative energy that some people project. Their angry or stressed or depressed thundercloud can literally fill a room if you let it. The moment you feel it invading your heart, mind, and body - push it away. Don't receive it. Do some deep breathing, do some deep thinking and praying, or excuse yourself and go outside for a moment. There are times when even the bathroom can become a haven from all the chaos of dysfunction. Use it if you have to for reasons other than functional! Go in there, close the door, turn on the water, and breathe deeply, stretch your muscles, and clear your mind and heart.
5. Examine why you feel obligated to these people and examine what that obligation actually means at this stage of your life. Perhaps it's time to rock the boat and stop participating in the dysfunction. Perhaps that's not an option and you need to figure out how to remain with them without going ballistic. Either way, take some time to figure out WHY you remain in toxic relationships and what you can do to keep that from becoming personally toxic to you.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but I also know it is part of being a healthier person. Boundaries, reality, and strategies go a long way in dysfunctional relationships. Take a deep breath - you're NOT going to change them. If that was possible, you already would have done so. This is about you becoming and staying healthy, regardless of how functional or dysfunctional your relationships are. These are a few suggestions to untangle this mess from your living and being. Sit with these ideas. Ask God to help you figure out your own strategies, and then follow through. As Jesus said one stormy night, “Peace, be still.”