Control Over Trauma's Legacy

"A problem that can't be solved isn't a problem - it's a fact. The problem is how to deal with the facts." Frederick H. Kanfer.

Therein lies one of the great challenges for abuse survivors - how to deal with the facts. The problem is, most of us live in an auto-pilot kind of ways - ways that we learned during abusive circumstances that served as a teacher for our behavior, thinking patterns, and feelings. This often results in self-sabotaging behavior, chaotic thinking, and unpredictable feelings. When you combine this auto-pilot way of living with the stresses of current relationships, work, finances, and health - it quickly becomes a cluttered, toxic mess.

A good exercise to help you assess how your auto-pilot is harming you is to think about a situation that was very upsetting to you. It can be recent or in the past. Be specific. Next, identify how that situation negatively impacted your feelings. In other words, what emotions do you now connect with the situation? After you identify your emotional reaction, identify the correlating dysfunctional thoughts you have or had with those emotions. Now answer this question: were those feelings and thoughts rational and sound or illogical and irrational? As you find yourself distanced from that situation, what could have been a more rational response to the dysfunctional thoughts you had at the time?

Real change - healthy change - begins when you interrupt the auto-pilot. That involves thinking about situations a bit longer before you say or do anything. It involves self-monitoring, too. An extremely helpful practice is to become an observer of yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, and the pressures that your auto-pilot is putting on you. Then monitor those things in order to keep an eye on where they go. This sounds like an enormous - and unnatural – effort, which it is! At least it is at first. It is often helpful to seek out wise friends or counselors who will help you rehearse or role play how to think and respond to triggers that remind you of the past, and to current situations that may be difficult for you to manage. It is also helpful to ask God to guide you into healthier thinking patterns.

The beauty of real change is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. There is a Scripture in the New Testament that states, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he (or she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (or her).” James 1:4-5.

The fact is that once you learn to self-monitor, to take the time to think and pray before you say or do anything - you replace the sabotaging auto-pilot with a new one - an auto-pilot who is aware, rational, and careful. As these changes take place gradually over time – with practice and determination - the cluttered, toxic mess is replaced with a more ordered, grounded, and rational way of living.