Why It's the Same Person Over and Over

Did you ever wonder why your relationships seem to end up the same way again and again? Why is it that the names and faces change - but it's really the same person packaged differently? Why do you draw people to you that always treat you the same way - no matter how good or bad things start out? Why are you drawn to those people?

A lot of it has to do with poor self-image. The vast majority of abuse survivors think poorly of themselves. They think they have no value, that they're disposable, dirty, and deserving of mistreatment. Those are just a few of the lies that feel like truth - pressed deeply into your heart and mind by your abusers and the circumstances that surrounded the abuse. It was during your early developmental years that you discovered relationships are terrifying, and that is a lesson deeply ingrained in your psyche. As you moved from being a child into an adult, you most likely were unable to successfully make the role transition from dependent child to equal adult with your parents or caregivers.

Poor self-image cripples your autonomy and individuality, leaving you to expend a great deal of energy to hide that fact. Even if you exude confidence to the world, there's still a voice screaming inside "I don't belong . . . I can't do better than this . . . I'm damaged goods that have little value." These lies are where poor self-image comes from and it is an active ingredient in how you relate to other people - how you find them and they find you. How you treat them and how they treat you.

Poor self-image creates anxiety and uncertainty about how you see yourself. It is based on what YOU think that OTHERS think of YOU. If you could somehow broadcast the underpinning of your thinking as you walk down the street or sit in a restaurant or ride on the subway it would sound something like this: "He thinks I'm fat and ugly . . . she thinks I'm a threat . . . they think I shouldn't be here . . . if I just adjust this, they'll notice . . . if I say this, they won't like me . . ." and on and on it goes. It's very noisy inside your head as you go about the task of day-to-day living. So your first filter through which you see and are seen is your self-image and what you think others are thinking of you.

When you are in relationships, you have high hopes about what you can expect from them - but you also have great fear. In fact, that fear is so huge that you already expect disappointment and distrust. When you seek out relationships, you seek people that "seem" to fit your high hopes, but you do so with blinders AND with your OWN defensive cover-up in motion. This is because you seek people who will corroborate your fears of disappointment or mistrust - they will eventually confirm what you think about YOURSELF!

After a relationship wears on, the disguises dissolve and you are both left with frustration, disappointment, anger, and the realization that the OTHER is not as strong or kind or wonderful as you had hoped. This is because poor self-image prevents you from being honest in the EARLY stages of a relationship. You cannot and will not risk exposing your beliefs about yourself - your beliefs that you are NOTHING. Another variation on this same disguise is that you believe YOU are the one who can make your partner believe he/she IS something. This eventually drives your relationships into a perpetual guessing game.

With poor self-image, it is difficult to communicate because your ability to negotiate is minimal. At first, because of the insecurity and dishonesty, you develop relationships in which you believe you should be fused together, rather than function as independent individuals. You enter relationships to GET - to find qualities in others that you lack OR find qualities that are actually an extension of yourself and your self-image.

Your relationships quickly dissolve into power struggles - with a winner and a looser, rather than a partnership of individuals who respect each other's strengths and are sensitive to each other's weaknesses. Your relationship may most often be characterized by the "it's me OR you!" mentality - which is extremely dysfunctional and immature. Functional and maturing relationships are most often characterized by the "it's me AND you!" foundation of equal partnership with ample give-and-take as its bedrock.

The poor self-image disguise can cause you to communicate in a covert way. The more covert the communications, the more dysfunctional the relationship is. When unacknowledged, ignored problems are finally exposed, then the myth of happily-ever-after explodes.

At the core of how you draw or are drawn to people is a self-image built around false beliefs, desperately wondering if you are loved or wanted. As long as your facade is firmly in place, your communications will remain covert, you will live your life based on what you think others think about you, and your expectations will be a toxic mixture of unrealistic expectations and paralyzing fear.

Good relationships - functional relationships - are built on YOU loving yourself, first. No one is going to love you enough to make you feel good about yourself. No one is going to give you all that you need to make the past okay. If you think poorly of yourself - because the lies feels like the truth - then the most perfect child, partner, friend or colleague will never be able to convince you that you're wanted. You will place expectations on them that no one can fill and will set out to prove that they can and will fail you.

Your healing journey can expose lies which will be replaced by truth - truth that you have value, that you deserve respect and dignity, and that you can form collaborative, mature partnerships with people. As those truths occupy more and more of your interior thoughts and exterior actions, you will discover you have the ability to embrace functional relationships. You'll not be afraid to have personal boundaries. You'll not be a score keeper. You'll not discard yourself or others. You'll not lose yourself trying to fill a need that no mere mortal can completely fill - and subsequently - you'll be drawn to others who confirm your beliefs and respect you.

Hatred - The Forbidden Emotion

Often times, Christian people use denial as a kind of pseudo-faith. If you pretend it's not there, then you can pretend you've released it to God or that it is no longer an issue for you. Of course, we all know that denial is a cheap substitute for faith. It's a cheap substitute for the enduring impact that is possible when the hard issues are faced head-on. There are many reasons we practice the pseudo-faith of denial. One of the primary reasons is "I shouldn't be . . ." thinking.

"I shouldn't be thinking this . . . I shouldn't be feeling this . . . I shouldn't be wanting this."

Of course, whether you should or shouldn't - if you are, YOU ARE! If you pretend something isn't there, when it is - you're going to spend much more of your energy suppressing that reality than if you actually DEAL with that reality!

That being said, I want to address the emotion of HATE. Yes, yes . . . I know good Christians don't hate, but the truth is, many of us do. I'm going to be very transparent here in hopes that it will help you to honestly evaluate your own feelings. Here's the shocking truth: There are people that I struggle to not hate. Not dislike . . . not irritated by . . . not annoyed with . . . HATE! Here's another shocking truth: There are also experiences and circumstances in my life that I hate. There! I said it out-loud and if truth-be-told, you could probably say the same things.

Hatred - particularly for people of faith - is a forbidden emotion, unless - of course - you're talking about hatred of sin or hatred of evil. Those are acceptable forms of hatred in Christianity (and often used as justification to act hatefully toward those we feel embody sin or evil). I'm not talking about those kinds of hatred that we hold up as "acceptable hatred." I'm talking about down-and-dirty hatred of fellow beings or certain experiences.

Hatred can hit you like a ton of bricks - knocking you over all-at-once. It can also hit you in waves with an ebb and flow of intensity - that knock you over, give you a chance to stand back up, and then knock you over again. Whether the bricks or the waves, hatred has a way of being an energy vampire that drains the very life right out of your soul.

Hatred that is sustained for years is most certainly a poison to every part of you now and in the future. We see that reality played out on the news every day as centuries-old hatreds keep very ancient wounds fresh and raw. I know I'm not telling you anything new when I point out that sustained hatred has a way of escalating until it erupts to destroy you - and not just you - but oftentimes, innocent bystanders, too.

The ebb and flow hatred is a sneaky kind of hatred. You feel it intensely - the ton-of-bricks kind of intensity, and then is fades into the background for awhile. Life goes on and you don't experience it as keenly and then WHAM! Something happens and the quiet "ebb" side of the cycle is replaced by the tidal wave "flow" of the cycle and you're thrown off, once more.

I'm a strong believer in process. Honestly - at least for me - most of my life changes have not come in moments of flash epiphanies, but in the gradual shifts of how I think, how I feel, and how I live. I think the same thing is true with the intense and forbidden emotion of hatred. Bricks or waves - it takes awhile to regain balance when you feel hatred. Hatred is usually complicated. It is mixed in there with injustice, betrayal, violation, trauma, and very real damage - being or having been perpetrated on you or someone/something you love. It takes time to pull these complicated strands apart and examine each one to find a place of balance, of peace, and yes, even forgiveness.

In this process of dealing with hatred, it might be helpful for you to consider these steps:

Acknowledge the hate that you feel - both to yourself and to God
Determine how much these feelings of hatred are causing harm to you or to others
Assess how much energy is being diverted to hate rather than to living above or beyond this person or situation
Consider releasing yourself from the penalty of this harm and damage (this is called forgiveness)
Strategically plan for the next time a wave of hatred knocks you over - so that you won't be caught off-guard or thrown off-course

I'll close with a conversation between me and God that I had recently. I have changed the names and the circumstances (because frankly they're nobody's business!), but hope this gives you a glimpse into how I process hate.

"Dear God, I just want you to know that I hate JSD with every fiber of my being. I'd like to see him suffer and die and rot in hell. Just thought I'd share."

"Hey, Sallie! I just want you to know that I understand your feelings. I've experienced that same kinds of injustice and cruelty that JSD inflicted on you and those you love."

"Dear God! I know you know . . . but I have to tell you that I don't want to NOT feel hate! I WANT to hate. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to be a gentle person of peace. I want to drop a nuclear bomb on JSD."

"Sallie, Again, I know the intensity of your feelings and know why . . . but I'd like to point out that if you hold on to this intensity for long, you'll become just like JSD."

"Dear God, Yes, I know . . . but it just seems so outrageous to FEEL anything but hate for JSD! How am I supposed to feel?"

"Sallie, You're supposed to feel like you feel. The problem isn't that you feel hate, it's that hate will eventually take over and you'll be completely powerless. You are giving ownership of your emotional and spiritual life to JSD and to hatred . . . and I'm pretty sure that's not what you intend to accomplish, right?"

"Dear God, NO! NO! Absolutely NO! I don't want JSD to have any piece of my emotions or spirit!"

"Sallie, Okay . . . so now you know what you don't want . . . which means you can release the parts of this that you have no control over . . . and gain balance and clarity so that you and I can determine what is the best and most productive way forward."

"Dear God, Could we start to work on that, please?"

"Sallie, We are . . ."

Hatred is a terrible task master. It's also a tenacious task master that will require all the honesty, strength, and clarity that your soul can find. It does no good to pretend it isn't there when it is. I also does no good to let it rob you of empowerment and personal peace. Unacknowledged hate will consume you and turn you into a bitter, mean, small creature that may eventually resemble the object of your hatred more than the beauty of your Christ-reflective soul.

Absolutes

When you see life in terms of absolutes, it's easy to experience your world as being narrow and small. Simple and exclusive. Now don't get me wrong. I think there are many things that are absolute and must be absolutely complied with. Gravity is absolute and if I don't work within the constraints of that absolute, I'll fall off of a building. However, within that absolute is the possibility to harness it, work with it through the laws of physics, and temporarily postpone the "must come down" side of the "what goes up" proverb (What goes up - must come down). We can fly - but only with our machines and our understanding of how to suspend falling - or how to control it.

Abuse survivors are - more often than not - people who thrive on absolutes. Life is black and white. Things are right or wrong. In fact, most of us live as if life is just one giant binary code - yes or no. On or off. Zero or one. It's easier that way. It gives you a sense of having control and staying within range of what is comfortable for you. The problem is that this absolute way of thinking and being can turn you into a rigid person who is incapable of growth and incapable of fully participating in the richness of life.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it is VERY important to know what your personal standards are, to hold firmly to your faith, and to be clear about your values. At the same time, you must develop the ability to hear others, to consider different perspectives, and to respectfully engage in ideas that challenge you. Abuse creates a distortion of ideas and perspectives. It fortifies the damage by pummeling you with false shame, a false sense of responsibility for what happened, and a distorted interpretation of what happened to your body. One thing that keeps wrong thinking firmly intact is rigid absolutes.

You might see people as all bad or all good. You might also think of yourself as either hideous or glorious. Perhaps you smother everyone you know or you push them away. These are the kinds of absolutes that prevent your movement beyond abuse. You interpret the actions of others as being a direct threat or challenge if there's disagreement or difference. You carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders because you're certain no one else can do it. You think everyone is out to get you or that everything is a threat.

Growth takes place when you discover the world is larger than your absolutes. Only when you begin to challenge these absolutes - many of them based on the lies from abuse - will your unclenched fist flower into an open palm, ready to receive the truth of who God made you to be and the freedom to live without being bound by binary thinking. Even if you never waiver from your beliefs or your practices, to live those beliefs out in a world that you understand to be different from you is a huge mark of maturity, particularly for an abuse survivor.

Abuse restricts a survivor’s view of self and others. Growth beyond abuse enlarges that vista so that the color grey is recognized between black and white, the word "maybe" is an option between yes and no, and that right is sometimes wrong, as the apostle Paul observed when he wrote, "Everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive." (1 Corinthians 10:23). Growth beyond abuse is possible with absolutes are replaced with firm convictions, when personal empowerment is dependent on how you think of yourself, not what others think of you, and when you celebrate diversity without compromising your personal integrity.

Resurrection Scars

The events of Easter weekend commemorate something bloody, disturbing, traumatizing, and terrifying. From the outside looking in, a relatively harmless, obscure man was abandoned by his friends, kissed in a way that brought condemnation and wounding, betrayed by his religion, tortured by society, sold out by those in power, and assassinated by all who were involved. He faced all of this alone, without any kind of emotional or practical support. He was just one of thousands who faced similar fates during that era in history. The waking nightmare was so hellish, that this man even felt abandoned by God, which led him to cry out to a silent sky "My God! My God! Why have your forsaken me?"

No matter how you spin the story, it is cruel and barbaric. And yet, over the next few days, millions of people will revisit it in vivid detail, and in that, they will draw enormous comfort and hope. The reason for this includes the torture and assassination of Christ - that part of the story can't be discounted. But the comfort doesn't come because of the events remembered on Good Friday. The comfort comes from the events remembered on Easter morning.

If you think about it, Christ was Creator embedded in Creation. The creative energy of everything that exists, existed in this star-man. It stands to reason that the exquisite wonder of creativity had no choice but to once again bring life where there was none - to bring order out of chaos - to bring love and peace out of cruel torment - to bring light out of darkness. We call it the Resurrection.

To me, the wonder of Easter - the miracle of the Resurrection - isn't that it happened. I think the greater mystery is that it took three days! That it didn't happen in an instant. That there was a savoring of death before there was the re-creation of life.

If you read my book - No Longer Alone - I spend a great deal of time discussing the affinity that Christ has with abuse survivors, and vice versa. Creator embedded in Creation gave people an intimate glimpse into God's heart - One filled with love, One who values peace and justice, One who makes it abundantly clear that each of us has value, potential, and limitless life. People experienced something new when they encountered Christ. I also believe that God experienced something new when he encountered us.

There's a further insight that I believe Easter weekend can offer to abuse survivors, which I mentioned earlier. After all the horrors of Friday, after the heart-shattering trauma, Christ waited. His resurrection didn't happen immediately. Even knowing the beginning from the end, he remained in the vacuum of trauma and death for awhile - languishing in the dark unknown.

Why? Why didn't the resurrection occur as soon as he was pried off the cross? Why didn't it take place when the stone was rolled in place? And finally, why is it important for you to see this as you approach Easter weekend - as you move through your own dark unknown, searching for life beyond abuse?

You can see your own experiences of abuse in the crucifixion of Christ. Betrayal. Affection being used as a weapon. Abandonment. Torture. Injustice. Isolation. Shame. Exposure. Humiliation. Feeling completely separated from God. Those are some of the more obvious experiences of commonality abuse survivors have with Creator embedded in Creation. But in that space between the trauma and the sunrise on the third day, there was a dark Saturday.

In your abuse recovery, there is the dark Saturday when all you can do is sit - even languish - with all that has been shattered. There is little comfort at this stage of recovery. It follows the "Why have you forsaken me?" terror and the "It is finished" conclusion. But the beauty of Christ - Creator embedded in Creation - is that we have been shown a way to move beyond what was done to us. This is an important thing to meditate on as you wait for that stone to be rolled away - as you wait to re-emerge as a shimmering being, so luminous that you absolutely know you have been given a new life. A life beyond abuse.

One final thing I'd like to point out as you approach Easter weekend. When Christ emerged from that tomb, he emerged with scars. The resurrection didn't eliminate the scars, but the scars no longer kept Christ entombed. Your scars won't either. They are what they are - scars. They are not an indication that you lack faith or that Christ hasn't done a deep work in you. They are scars. You have them, so did Christ. They are monuments of what you've suffered, but they are also monuments to where you are going - beyond the trauma - beyond the dark Saturday - beyond the stone as it rolls away.

This is Easter weekend. Grieve on Friday. Meditate on Saturday. Celebrate on Sunday. You walk on the same path that our Creator embedded in Creation walked - one beyond savage cruelty and toward love, joy, and peace that is beyond understanding. Happy Easter.