Absolutes

When you see life in terms of absolutes, it's easy to experience your world as being narrow and small. Simple and exclusive. Now don't get me wrong. I think there are many things that are absolute and must be absolutely complied with. Gravity is absolute and if I don't work within the constraints of that absolute, I'll fall off of a building. However, within that absolute is the possibility to harness it, work with it through the laws of physics, and temporarily postpone the "must come down" side of the "what goes up" proverb (What goes up - must come down). We can fly - but only with our machines and our understanding of how to suspend falling - or how to control it.

Abuse survivors are - more often than not - people who thrive on absolutes. Life is black and white. Things are right or wrong. In fact, most of us live as if life is just one giant binary code - yes or no. On or off. Zero or one. It's easier that way. It gives you a sense of having control and staying within range of what is comfortable for you. The problem is that this absolute way of thinking and being can turn you into a rigid person who is incapable of growth and incapable of fully participating in the richness of life.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it is VERY important to know what your personal standards are, to hold firmly to your faith, and to be clear about your values. At the same time, you must develop the ability to hear others, to consider different perspectives, and to respectfully engage in ideas that challenge you. Abuse creates a distortion of ideas and perspectives. It fortifies the damage by pummeling you with false shame, a false sense of responsibility for what happened, and a distorted interpretation of what happened to your body. One thing that keeps wrong thinking firmly intact is rigid absolutes.

You might see people as all bad or all good. You might also think of yourself as either hideous or glorious. Perhaps you smother everyone you know or you push them away. These are the kinds of absolutes that prevent your movement beyond abuse. You interpret the actions of others as being a direct threat or challenge if there's disagreement or difference. You carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders because you're certain no one else can do it. You think everyone is out to get you or that everything is a threat.

Growth takes place when you discover the world is larger than your absolutes. Only when you begin to challenge these absolutes - many of them based on the lies from abuse - will your unclenched fist flower into an open palm, ready to receive the truth of who God made you to be and the freedom to live without being bound by binary thinking. Even if you never waiver from your beliefs or your practices, to live those beliefs out in a world that you understand to be different from you is a huge mark of maturity, particularly for an abuse survivor.

Abuse restricts a survivor’s view of self and others. Growth beyond abuse enlarges that vista so that the color grey is recognized between black and white, the word "maybe" is an option between yes and no, and that right is sometimes wrong, as the apostle Paul observed when he wrote, "Everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive." (1 Corinthians 10:23). Growth beyond abuse is possible with absolutes are replaced with firm convictions, when personal empowerment is dependent on how you think of yourself, not what others think of you, and when you celebrate diversity without compromising your personal integrity.