Often times, Christian people use denial as a kind of pseudo-faith. If you pretend it's not there, then you can pretend you've released it to God or that it is no longer an issue for you. Of course, we all know that denial is a cheap substitute for faith. It's a cheap substitute for the enduring impact that is possible when the hard issues are faced head-on. There are many reasons we practice the pseudo-faith of denial. One of the primary reasons is "I shouldn't be . . ." thinking.
"I shouldn't be thinking this . . . I shouldn't be feeling this . . . I shouldn't be wanting this."
Of course, whether you should or shouldn't - if you are, YOU ARE! If you pretend something isn't there, when it is - you're going to spend much more of your energy suppressing that reality than if you actually DEAL with that reality!
That being said, I want to address the emotion of HATE. Yes, yes . . . I know good Christians don't hate, but the truth is, many of us do. I'm going to be very transparent here in hopes that it will help you to honestly evaluate your own feelings. Here's the shocking truth: There are people that I struggle to not hate. Not dislike . . . not irritated by . . . not annoyed with . . . HATE! Here's another shocking truth: There are also experiences and circumstances in my life that I hate. There! I said it out-loud and if truth-be-told, you could probably say the same things.
Hatred - particularly for people of faith - is a forbidden emotion, unless - of course - you're talking about hatred of sin or hatred of evil. Those are acceptable forms of hatred in Christianity (and often used as justification to act hatefully toward those we feel embody sin or evil). I'm not talking about those kinds of hatred that we hold up as "acceptable hatred." I'm talking about down-and-dirty hatred of fellow beings or certain experiences.
Hatred can hit you like a ton of bricks - knocking you over all-at-once. It can also hit you in waves with an ebb and flow of intensity - that knock you over, give you a chance to stand back up, and then knock you over again. Whether the bricks or the waves, hatred has a way of being an energy vampire that drains the very life right out of your soul.
Hatred that is sustained for years is most certainly a poison to every part of you now and in the future. We see that reality played out on the news every day as centuries-old hatreds keep very ancient wounds fresh and raw. I know I'm not telling you anything new when I point out that sustained hatred has a way of escalating until it erupts to destroy you - and not just you - but oftentimes, innocent bystanders, too.
The ebb and flow hatred is a sneaky kind of hatred. You feel it intensely - the ton-of-bricks kind of intensity, and then is fades into the background for awhile. Life goes on and you don't experience it as keenly and then WHAM! Something happens and the quiet "ebb" side of the cycle is replaced by the tidal wave "flow" of the cycle and you're thrown off, once more.
I'm a strong believer in process. Honestly - at least for me - most of my life changes have not come in moments of flash epiphanies, but in the gradual shifts of how I think, how I feel, and how I live. I think the same thing is true with the intense and forbidden emotion of hatred. Bricks or waves - it takes awhile to regain balance when you feel hatred. Hatred is usually complicated. It is mixed in there with injustice, betrayal, violation, trauma, and very real damage - being or having been perpetrated on you or someone/something you love. It takes time to pull these complicated strands apart and examine each one to find a place of balance, of peace, and yes, even forgiveness.
In this process of dealing with hatred, it might be helpful for you to consider these steps:
Acknowledge the hate that you feel - both to yourself and to God
Determine how much these feelings of hatred are causing harm to you or to others
Assess how much energy is being diverted to hate rather than to living above or beyond this person or situation
Consider releasing yourself from the penalty of this harm and damage (this is called forgiveness)
Strategically plan for the next time a wave of hatred knocks you over - so that you won't be caught off-guard or thrown off-course
I'll close with a conversation between me and God that I had recently. I have changed the names and the circumstances (because frankly they're nobody's business!), but hope this gives you a glimpse into how I process hate.
"Dear God, I just want you to know that I hate JSD with every fiber of my being. I'd like to see him suffer and die and rot in hell. Just thought I'd share."
"Hey, Sallie! I just want you to know that I understand your feelings. I've experienced that same kinds of injustice and cruelty that JSD inflicted on you and those you love."
"Dear God! I know you know . . . but I have to tell you that I don't want to NOT feel hate! I WANT to hate. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to be a gentle person of peace. I want to drop a nuclear bomb on JSD."
"Sallie, Again, I know the intensity of your feelings and know why . . . but I'd like to point out that if you hold on to this intensity for long, you'll become just like JSD."
"Dear God, Yes, I know . . . but it just seems so outrageous to FEEL anything but hate for JSD! How am I supposed to feel?"
"Sallie, You're supposed to feel like you feel. The problem isn't that you feel hate, it's that hate will eventually take over and you'll be completely powerless. You are giving ownership of your emotional and spiritual life to JSD and to hatred . . . and I'm pretty sure that's not what you intend to accomplish, right?"
"Dear God, NO! NO! Absolutely NO! I don't want JSD to have any piece of my emotions or spirit!"
"Sallie, Okay . . . so now you know what you don't want . . . which means you can release the parts of this that you have no control over . . . and gain balance and clarity so that you and I can determine what is the best and most productive way forward."
"Dear God, Could we start to work on that, please?"
"Sallie, We are . . ."
Hatred is a terrible task master. It's also a tenacious task master that will require all the honesty, strength, and clarity that your soul can find. It does no good to pretend it isn't there when it is. I also does no good to let it rob you of empowerment and personal peace. Unacknowledged hate will consume you and turn you into a bitter, mean, small creature that may eventually resemble the object of your hatred more than the beauty of your Christ-reflective soul.
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