Ever wonder why you're so distrustful? So possessive? Is it possible that you see others not as they are - but as YOU are? Is it possible that your childhood abuse experiences have completely clouded an accurate assessment of what motivates others?
These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.
Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.
So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.
Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.
If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.
Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.
The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.
These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.
Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.
So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.
Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.
If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.
Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.
The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.
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