Acknowledging the Rage Monster

There have been many fine books and articles written about anger management, so this is not my feeble attempt to re-invent the wheel. What I want to focus on is your acknowledgement of what the Rage Monster really is. I recognize that every abuse survivor struggles with unique issues in different ways, but rage is a universal issue when abuse is experienced.

I can hear some of you challenging that assertion. "You're wrong, I have a very long-fuse" or "I never, ever lose my temper with anyone." But I'd like to peel that back a bit more to help you understand that rage doesn't always manifest itself with a fist through the wall or a glass hurled across the room. Some people don't have a ripple on their pond while others produce surf-worthy waves, but rage is more than outward anger. It is the deep, unsettled sense that someone has to pay for what was done to you. Please understand that may not even be a conscious thought for you, but it is there and it is powerful.

Rage is the offspring of lost power and control. To experience abuse or trauma of any kind brings every human being to the terrifying reality that they do not have enough power and control to protect themselves or to prevent trauma. When you are confronted with that reality - even as a child - it sets off a torrent of panic and unleashes an obsessed vigilante who is bent on punishing wrongs and vindicating injustice. It sets everyone on a course of power-gathering, but it is important to note that HOW that power is gathered varies from person to person.

Some of us bulk up - physically, financially, professionally, academically, and relationally. The thinking is that the better or more you have - be it people or beauty or money or drugs or food - the more powerful you are. You work hard to push that sense of being overpowered and exploited behind all that you have and are. No one ever sees the terrified child cowering in the corner when you're beautiful or rich or smart or high.

Some of us are explosive - perhaps even dangerous and abusive, too. If you threaten to verbally annihilate or physically destroy anyone who crosses you - then no one will ever suspect that you once were so small and weak that you couldn't protect yourself and couldn't stop it.

Some of us pull inward at the slightest hint of risk-taking. You don't risk expressing your real thoughts or feelings. You don't risk making a move or making a change. You never rock the boat. You work yourself into the ground accommodating the demands and needs of others, putting them above your own to the point of exhaustion. Your silence and compliance are highly effective cover ups for the perpetual screams that were never heard when you were being abused - that no one ever intervened to stop.

The Rage Monster is the out-of-balance demander of justice. The judge, jury, and executioner who lives to catch and punish. Some of you live to catch and punish others - even those who may have nothing to do with the abuse and trauma you experienced. Others catch and punish yourself for being weak, less-than, and unwanted.

Acknowledging the Rage Monster means you also acknowledge the brutal truth that you were helpless, vulnerable, small, and weak. It also means you acknowledge that others failed, exploited, overpowered, and hurt you. The issue of justice which underpins the Rage Monster must be acknowledged, as well. There will never be enough punishment - either on others or on yourself - to right the wrongs you have suffered. No matter how strong or beautiful or accomplished or scary or self-destructive or invisible you are - it will never be enough to change what happened.

The Rage Monster can only be tamed - can only be better managed - when you release the issues of justice from your personal control. Even if you have a $1 million settlement check or your abuser is rotting in a dark prison somewhere – it will never be enough for you if you live your life as a vigilante. As a person of faith, I'd like to submit that we have SOMEONE to release the issues of justice to - God. If you aren't a person of faith - there is still a releasing that can be quite helpful in setting your mind and heart free from the Rage Monster.

The Rage Monster is diminished when that which we have clenched in our fists is released - when you embrace yourself as a vulnerable and needy creature who has been hurt and will most likely be hurt again. The Rage Monster is a liar. There is no way to live in a fortress of rage - expressed outwardly or inwardly - and not be further harmed. In many ways, living life in that way makes you more vulnerable and weak than you might think. It is when we take risks, when we learn healthy boundaries and practice discernment, that the fuel of the Rage Monster dries up. We will no longer believe if we just have enough power and control, we'll silence the past. The past is the past. The amount of power I permit that past to have over how I live today is truly where taming the Rage Monster begins.

This is the second in a three part series on Acknowledging the Monsters.