Acknowledging the Sexual Monster

It's a difficult thing to look at yourself honestly, but in my own journey beyond abuse, change has rarely come unless I honestly acknowledged the monsters (or issues) within me. For most abuse survivors, there are generally three monsters that need to be acknowledged and tamed:

(1) The sexual monster, (2) The rage monster, and (3) The depression monster.

Yes, there are an abundance of other issues you may struggle with, but you'll probably discover they are spin-offs of one of these three. In fact, even depression can be another spin-off of rage - not always, but sometimes. Over the next few weeks, I'd like to explore each of these monsters and what they mean to your journey beyond abuse.

The Sexual Monster is one that creates the greatest chaos, shame, and difficulty. If you experienced sexual abuse - especially as a child - your sexual teachers were abusive exploiters of your innocence, your vulnerability, and your curiosity. Your sexual experiences in the context of abuse - the sensations, the feelings of pleasure, power, terror, or pain - shaped how you learned to think about sex. Please note, I didn't say these experiences shaped how you learned ABOUT sex, but how you learned to THINK about sex. You “cut your sexual teeth,” so to speak, on twisted, inappropriate, and often traumatizing sexual experiences. While many abuse survivors have a great deal of sexual experience, most have very little understanding or factual information about sex - how your body works or how a partner's body works.

There was an interesting study done some time back with people who self-reported being very resistant or reluctant about sexual experiences. In this study, there was also a control group of people who self-reported that they enjoyed sex and felt balanced regarding sex. When physiological measures were used, the group that reported being repulsed by or resistant to sex were actually MORE aroused than those who said they didn't have problems with sex. What this tells me is that many of us who experienced sexual abuse are highly conflicted when it comes to sex. The internal dialogue goes something like this. "If I want sex or enjoy sex now . . . then that must mean that I wanted and enjoyed the abusive sex." That is a FALSE conclusion, but it is a powerful falsehood that creates the deep sexual conflict that many survivors suffer with.

One step toward having a healthier relationship with sex is to acknowledge that wanting and enjoying sex are NOT synonymous with wanting or enjoying abuse. The Sexual Monster is really a sexual lie. God made us to both desire and enjoy sex. The experiences of abuse skew that until it becomes a source of great turmoil, confusion, shame, and even perversion. If you don't acknowledge the Sexual Monster, then you probably aren't combating it with truth, factual information, and personal dignity. That could leave you either highly aroused for very disturbing reasons (such as seeing children or fantasizing about being raped), or could even lead you to act on that arousal and become a sexual predator or sexual victim.

Sex was meant as a gift from God to be celebrated, respected, and experienced responsibly. The Sexual Monster can either completely shut you down, sexually, or do just the opposite - create a new generation of predator, exploiter, or addict. Sex is a complicated issue for abuse survivors - believe me, I understand that. By the end of this year, we hope to have a guide to healthy sexuality put together and offered as a resource. Until then, think (and yes . . . even pray) about the Sexual Monster that may be robbing you of a healthy appreciation for who you are as a sexual being. Like any bully, when you turn and face that which has tried to conquer you - you often disarm its power over you and find that you are the one who can become empowered - to know truth and live in truth, even about your sexuality.


Next week, we'll look at the Rage Monster and the following week, we'll address the Depression Monster.