Lent and Abuse Recovery

Lent is a Christian observance consisting of forty days leading up to Easter, the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. This is a profoundly important season for some people and one of complete irrelevance for others, depending on your spiritual practices and beliefs. The discussion of how Lent is observed is not the focus here. The focus is on how you can incorporate some of the practices associated with Lent into your abuse recovery.

Generally speaking, three things accompany the observance of Lent: sacrifice, prayer, and charity. Here are some suggestions to consider incorporating in your life between now and Easter that have the potential to facilitate greater healing for you. Regardless of your spiritual practices or faith traditions, these suggestions can accompany you on your personal journey to bring comfort and purpose to your recovery process.

Sacrifice
Consider sacrificing your practice of negative and degrading self-talk. What would happen if you abstained from talking to yourself in condemning and demeaning ways for forty days? What would happen if you sacrificed your habits of tearing yourself down, of speaking with disrespect to yourself and your worth until Easter? Negative self-talk may be much harder to give up than chocolate cake or beer! This is a sacrifice of long-toxic habits.

Prayer
Consider spending five minutes a day (or more) in quiet reflection and meditation. Sit in silence, release your spirit to seek God’s peace, love, wisdom, and direction. Open your heart and mind up as a receptor. Don’t ask. Don’t talk. Receive, connect, and drink deeply from God’s unconditional acceptance of you.

Charity
Look beyond yourself to those in need around you. Speak kindly to your family (yes, even THAT member of your family like your partner or your child!), your friends, and your colleagues. Call a minimum wage fast food worker by his or her name and thank them for serving you. Leave a tip for the maid who cleaned your hotel room. Donate food to feed hungry people, open the door for a young punk who is behind you at the convenience store or burger joint and say “Please, go ahead!” Look people in the eyes and smile. Prepare a meal for a single parent and bring it to their family.

Observance
Abstinence of negative self-talk, quiet meditation with God, and looking beyond yourself can bring a connection to the observance of Lent into your abuse recovery. Who knows, if you try this for forty days, maybe you’ll continue it for forty more!

The Power of Empowerment

I'll never forget the terrifying experience of walking through my own home a few years ago and smelling a fragrance from a trauma that was over forty-five years old. I was home alone. It was terrifying because it was not possible. There was no way - under any circumstances - that THAT particular smell could be in my home, and yet it was there. I tore through everything in the bathroom, in the hallway, in the living room - trying to find out where it was coming from, but I was looking in the wrong places. I was looking OUTSIDE of myself, not inside.

A situation the day before had awakened a very old fear from my abuse. I was slowly processing the circumstances, using my tools - the tools I teach and help others to use every day - and using my voice to talk to the support people in my life. I was filled with anxiety and dread that morning. I hadn't slept the night before. This situation had become like a runaway train - heavy and out-of-control. Without going into any detail, the developments from the day before were going to explode later that afternoon - I had been warned about that - warned about that the day before. A phone call was coming that - in my mind - placed me back in the position of being a vulnerable, exposed, small child.

With every resource at my disposal, with every tool I teach and with every support person I could find, I frantically tried to unravel the knot this impending situation created in me. I thought I was coming to terms with it until that fragrance filled my home. It stuck to the roof of my mouth and turned my stomach. I knew it well. It might as well have been a ninja that slammed me up against the wall!

I quickly left and as soon as I got in my car, that same smell filled it, too. I couldn't believe it! Where ever I was, it was there. I called a friend who asked me one simple question that changed everything. "Well . . . what are you going to do about it?"

Whoa! It was like a bucket of ice water shocked me back to consciousness! I thought about that question - about what it MEANT and about what it IMPLIED. It MEANT that somewhere within me - within my own spiritual and reasoning resources - I could address the impending situation like an adult - not like a naked, terrified child. It IMPLIED that I was EMPOWERED to determine how to proceed, next.

I stammered a bit and replied, "I'm going to act first! I'm NOT going to wait for the threat; I'm going to make the first move on MY terms and MY schedule!" The minute - and I mean THE minute - I made the decision to address this impending situation - the smell vanished. Poof! Gone! I couldn't believe it!

I'm sure you could tell similar stories about something from that past that is so large and so threatening, that it pushes you back into that role of being vulnerable and small, helpless and exposed. As soon as I determined to take ownership of myself - of my choices and my boundaries - that ominous smell disappeared. Now believe me - I understand that there was NO SMELL - it was just that rotting terror of my childhood trying to rip off one more day of my life.

There is POWER IN CHOOSING EMPOWERMENT. The moment you firmly plant yourself in the here-and-now, then you declare your RIGHT TO BE, your RIGHT TO THINK FOR YOURSELF, and your RIGHT TO BE VALID. You step away from the role of a victimized child and step into the role of VIABLE BEING. This is not to say that you'll never be hurt again or that you have some kind of super-hero powers - but it IS to say that THE VERY ACT OF TURNING TO FACE THAT WHICH DIMINISHES YOU, AT ONCE EMPOWERS YOU!

Abuse can convince you that you'll always be small, vulnerable, exposed, and afraid. Those are lies. Moving beyond abuse means facing life in the present, here-and-now. It means that you exchange the lies for the truth and put away childish things - including childhood terror. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (my paraphrase) applies here: "When I was [an abused] child, I talked like [an abused] child, I thought like [an abused] child, I reasoned like [an abused]. When I became an adult, I put childish ways behind me."

Each time you face your circumstances in a reasonable, responsible, and mature way - accessing help, support, and resources - you have put away childish things. That's the power of empowerment!

The Gates of Hell

I'm certain that I am not the only abuse survivor who feels as if the gates of hell were opened the moment that abuse took place. I don't want to come across as spooky and I assure you that I am NOT a demon hunter. I don't look for satanic causes to every bad experience or hardship or illness. I work hard to remain balanced and lean on reason as well as God. For example, if I am sick with a cold, the reason is because I probably didn't wash my hands or someone else with a cold sneezed in my direction. My first thought is not about a satanic attack, but more about fluids, bed rest, and vitamin C. I know there are people who might argue with me on this, but I don't live thinking I'm being stalked by Satan every time I sneeze.

However, I have had seasons in my life when catching a cold is literally the tipping point that sends me hurling through absolute darkness. Those times when the cold, stacked up on top of the basement flooding, stacked up on a fight with my husband, stacked up on top of my computer crashing, stacked up on top of my child's broken ankle from a fall at school, stacked up on top of my office being broken into, stacked up on top of my dog dying, stacked up on top of . . . well, you get what I mean. It's during THOSE seasons that it feels much darker than just a cold. It begins to feel as if a target has been painted on your back and you're eventually full of arrows.

I think it is foolish to ignore the kingdom of darkness. To underestimate it OR overestimate it is also a big mistake, in my opinion. I think the balance of living as a spiritual being in a physical world means that we RECOGNIZE dark things for what they are and seek strength and comfort in appropriate ways during those dark seasons. There is a passage in the Bible (Ephesians 6:12) that states, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

The experience of abuse - any kind of abuse - creates an affinity between the victim and dark things. Sexual abuse, in particular, seems to open your spirit up to those spiritual forces of evil that the scriptures refer to. Abuse creates a rift between your Creator and your soul. It yanks loose the connection to God that would have strengthened and comforted you. It lets raw sewage seep into your spiritual foundation. It puts distorted lenses into your glasses so that your perspective is skewed. It emboldens self-hatred and self-destruction to such an extent that love is destroyed, relationships are dysfunctional, and the clean, crisp air of God's Spirit is lost to rancid pollution.

I've been working in the spiritual dimension of sexual abuse recovery for almost twenty years now. I'm convinced I could write a horror story that would make Stephen King blush, based on my own experiences and the thousands of other stories I've heard over the years. If you're an abuse survivor, I know right now you can look back over your life and identify experience after experience that was just so over-the-top insane that it defied logic. I believe this is as much an aftermath of abuse as the physical, emotional, and psychological damage is.

So, is that just the way it is? Do you and I sigh, shake our heads, and think, we've been marked or cursed and there's nothing that can be done? Well, to that I say not only NO, but HELL NO! Yes, abuse opens a very dark portal. Yes, it seems that many of us have experienced more than our fair share of catastrophes. But I think if you look at the ultimate destination of where that darkness can take you - here and now - you'll see that it can plunge you into hopelessness, depressive despair, and a severed relationship with God. I've always believed that was the primary goal - the big picture goal - of abuse.

I believe abuse is much more than it appears to be. As vicious and unfair as the physical, sexual, mental, and emotional damage is because of abuse, the spiritual damage is profound and not to be ignored. For most of my adult life, I've been struggling with God, searching with a seeker's heart, listening and watching, waiting and wanting more than darkness.

You may feel as if the soles of your feet are charred because you've been walking through hell for so long. I understand that. I also understand that we are to be people of light - people who see things clearly, who understand the bigger picture. After all, if you've experienced the worst, then you know there's got to be something better - otherwise, you would settle for the worst and you wouldn't be here, reading this, seeking your own way out of the darkness.

I want to leave you with some proactive steps that I believe we are to take as we encounter those dark seasons. I hope you use these as a springboard to determine what empowering steps you need to take to reclaim your life.

• Look for patterns. Step away from the chaos of your circumstances for just a moment - as if you climbed up on a ladder looking down - and see if you recognize a sequence. Sickness - finances - work - family - relationships - fear - depressions. What are the patterns you see? Are they patterns of your making or not? (For example, if you keep over drafting because you forget to keep accurate bank records, the pattern is your making.) If you notice a pattern, then you have a larger clue as to what you're actually dealing with.
• What do these patterns evoke in you? Take some time to think about where you will ultimately end up if the impact of these patterns runs its usual course. Does it evoke self-sabotage, rage, the re-awakening of a long dormant addiction or habit, a walking away from God? Take the time to examine what is evoked in you. Again - that will give you a clearer idea of what is really going on.
• What part are you playing in this dark season? Are you feeding the dark things or nurturing the light?
• Are other people influencing you in dark ways or in light ways?
• Ask God to open your spiritual eyes - to help you see what is a consequence of living in the natural world where the laws of nature work predictably - and to help you see what are the workings of dark things over you and those you love.
• Take meaningful action to address spiritual darkness in spiritual ways. If you need to, seek out people who might understand the conflicts between light and dark, and ask them to help you through prayer and spiritual empowerment.
• Clean your environment. If you feel that something in your home or work or place of worship is attached to the dark season in your life, then it has already affected you as so. I don't think it's at all foolish to take action if it empowers you. Cleaning, re-arranging, anointing with oil, burning sage, purging your environment of disturbing things - these are all actions that can alter how you approach dark seasons.
• Dig in. If I've learned one thing in my lifetime, it is that storms pass - seasons change. If you recognize the patterns of a dark season, then you already know what you're dealing with. Hang on because things could get very, very bad - and then go from bad to worse. One of my favorite scriptures follows the one I cited earlier. This one states: "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then." Ephesians 6:13.

And yes . . . I'm in a dark season right now. Pray for me, for Committed to Freedom, as we pray for you. But to quote the President of the United States in the movie Independence Day when confronted by the evil, locust-eating aliens, I say: "We will not go quietly into the night!" After all, you and I are much smarter and wiser than locust-eating aliens!

Running on Empty

In our family, we have many stories that have become part of our family-lore. One such story took place when our children were young and we were on a family vacation around Christmas time. It was 2 am, we were driving from Arkansas to Colorado, and somewhere in Oklahoma (where the actual temperature was -5) I noticed the gas gauge sitting on "E." I pointed this out to my husband*, who assured me that we had enough gas and could make it to the next gas station (he said this as a gas station was being passed on the right). Well . . . you guessed it . . . we didn't make it. There we sat on the interstate, only God knows what the wind-chill was with the legendary Oklahoma wind. My poor husband had to get out and find gas. The kids and I (and our cocker spaniel puppy) huddled together in our minivan for a long time, waiting for help. For the rest of our vacation, at every restaurant and stop, we would ask people, "What does 'E' stand for on a gas gauge?" 100% of the respondents said "Empty!" My husband, however, insisted that it stood for "Enough." We even came up with a family salute, holding three fingers sideways to look like the letter "E" to add further dramatic effect with the retelling of our family lore.

Abuse survivors have a way of looking at things that may be completely intolerable and think, "I'm okay." Now, don't get me wrong . . . I'm a firm believer in tenacity, hard work, endurance, and digging in, but there may be times when it is very appropriate to say, "I'm running on empty," and get some help before you become incapacitated. In fact, the obvious time to acknowledge this is BEFORE it's too late. That may require some honest assessment of your life circumstances and what kinds of available resources you need if you’re going to make it.

I'm a big fan of looking at patterns. If you see a familiar pattern, then you already have a pretty good sense of what's going to happen next. If you're in a relationship that is dysfunctional or even toxic, and it's been going on for awhile, there are no surprises. You know the rules and know how almost every situation is going to play out. If you have an addiction, you know your patterns - how you get trapped, where, and with whom. No surprises, just patterns. If you struggle with money or depression or bitterness, you can most likely see the familiar peaks and valleys that usually lead to a melt-down.

Ending up on the SIDE of the road instead of ON the road is a very real possibility if you stubbornly ignore familiar patterns. Albert Einstein defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." To look at the patterns, to see the signs, to hear the concerns and cautions from your family, friends, and colleagues and ignore them is the equivalent of running on EMPTY and thinking you have ENOUGH.

One major obstacle to acknowledging you've hit your limit is that it feels as if you're once again small, powerless and in danger of being discarded or unwanted - just like you did when abuse occurred. While your current situations may be completely overwhelming to you, to ignore that reality and fail to come up with other options may exaggerate just how bad things are. It's like pretending that the gas tank is full when it is actually empty. Pretending it's full doesn't make it so. Eventually, you may put yourself in a situation where you actually are small, powerless, and disposable.

Many abuse survivors have been running on fumes most of their lives. That can make for a cataclysmic problem when things reach a tipping point for you - that one, last, crushing circumstance that pulls you over. If you've already come to a complete stop, use this time to re-group and re-think about how you are functioning and what needs to change. Use that metaphoric walk to the gas station (and yes, it will be cold, lonely, dark, and miserable) to strategically plan how you will manage yourself, your relationships, and your realities. If you're still coasting on fumes, make a decision to refuel now! It isn't an indictment against your capabilities, intelligence, or value - it's an acknowledgment that everyone needs to find resources outside of themselves if they're going to be healthy and functional in life.

Everyone has limits - highly competent and energetic people have limits, inept and sluggish people have limits. It is what it is. There are important moments in your journey where you absolutely must recognize your limitations or you will be in very real danger of burning out or shutting down. What steps do you need to take to replenish your mind, soul, body, and relationships? What changes need to happen? What needs to remain the same? What resources do you need to activate to stay or become healthier? How that works for you is something you will need to seriously pray and think about.

*Sorry sweetie, I’m not picking on you! You’re awesome!