Running on Empty

In our family, we have many stories that have become part of our family-lore. One such story took place when our children were young and we were on a family vacation around Christmas time. It was 2 am, we were driving from Arkansas to Colorado, and somewhere in Oklahoma (where the actual temperature was -5) I noticed the gas gauge sitting on "E." I pointed this out to my husband*, who assured me that we had enough gas and could make it to the next gas station (he said this as a gas station was being passed on the right). Well . . . you guessed it . . . we didn't make it. There we sat on the interstate, only God knows what the wind-chill was with the legendary Oklahoma wind. My poor husband had to get out and find gas. The kids and I (and our cocker spaniel puppy) huddled together in our minivan for a long time, waiting for help. For the rest of our vacation, at every restaurant and stop, we would ask people, "What does 'E' stand for on a gas gauge?" 100% of the respondents said "Empty!" My husband, however, insisted that it stood for "Enough." We even came up with a family salute, holding three fingers sideways to look like the letter "E" to add further dramatic effect with the retelling of our family lore.

Abuse survivors have a way of looking at things that may be completely intolerable and think, "I'm okay." Now, don't get me wrong . . . I'm a firm believer in tenacity, hard work, endurance, and digging in, but there may be times when it is very appropriate to say, "I'm running on empty," and get some help before you become incapacitated. In fact, the obvious time to acknowledge this is BEFORE it's too late. That may require some honest assessment of your life circumstances and what kinds of available resources you need if you’re going to make it.

I'm a big fan of looking at patterns. If you see a familiar pattern, then you already have a pretty good sense of what's going to happen next. If you're in a relationship that is dysfunctional or even toxic, and it's been going on for awhile, there are no surprises. You know the rules and know how almost every situation is going to play out. If you have an addiction, you know your patterns - how you get trapped, where, and with whom. No surprises, just patterns. If you struggle with money or depression or bitterness, you can most likely see the familiar peaks and valleys that usually lead to a melt-down.

Ending up on the SIDE of the road instead of ON the road is a very real possibility if you stubbornly ignore familiar patterns. Albert Einstein defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." To look at the patterns, to see the signs, to hear the concerns and cautions from your family, friends, and colleagues and ignore them is the equivalent of running on EMPTY and thinking you have ENOUGH.

One major obstacle to acknowledging you've hit your limit is that it feels as if you're once again small, powerless and in danger of being discarded or unwanted - just like you did when abuse occurred. While your current situations may be completely overwhelming to you, to ignore that reality and fail to come up with other options may exaggerate just how bad things are. It's like pretending that the gas tank is full when it is actually empty. Pretending it's full doesn't make it so. Eventually, you may put yourself in a situation where you actually are small, powerless, and disposable.

Many abuse survivors have been running on fumes most of their lives. That can make for a cataclysmic problem when things reach a tipping point for you - that one, last, crushing circumstance that pulls you over. If you've already come to a complete stop, use this time to re-group and re-think about how you are functioning and what needs to change. Use that metaphoric walk to the gas station (and yes, it will be cold, lonely, dark, and miserable) to strategically plan how you will manage yourself, your relationships, and your realities. If you're still coasting on fumes, make a decision to refuel now! It isn't an indictment against your capabilities, intelligence, or value - it's an acknowledgment that everyone needs to find resources outside of themselves if they're going to be healthy and functional in life.

Everyone has limits - highly competent and energetic people have limits, inept and sluggish people have limits. It is what it is. There are important moments in your journey where you absolutely must recognize your limitations or you will be in very real danger of burning out or shutting down. What steps do you need to take to replenish your mind, soul, body, and relationships? What changes need to happen? What needs to remain the same? What resources do you need to activate to stay or become healthier? How that works for you is something you will need to seriously pray and think about.

*Sorry sweetie, I’m not picking on you! You’re awesome!