Dirty Little Secret

Abuse is possible when people take advantage of the power differential in their relationships in order to gratify themselves. In sexual abuse - it's sexual gratification. In physical and emotional abuse - it's power and control gratification.

Shame and fear are the lock and key that keep abuse secrets hidden. False blame and false responsibility create the shame and fear. After all, if you believe that something you did or didn't do caused the abuse to happen - then you can hardly justify asking for help. If you got a reward, got special treatment, or felt your first pleasurable sensation during abuse, then you can rationalize the false shame. These are just a few of the strong reasons that those dirty little secrets from your abuse occupy so much of your interior energy. They keep you in the perpetual mindset of victim - fearful, ashamed, and self-protective.

But I want to address another dirty little secret that perpetuates the cycle of abuse to another generation. That's the one that has to do with the way you treat people who depend on you - those who are small, weak, or incapable of fully caring for themselves.

I want to say this clearly. No matter how good your intentions are, no matter what kind of a childhood you had (be it good or bad), there are moments for all caregivers when they absolutely want to annihilate the little darlings that are theirs to care for. A child or vulnerable person's "job" is to push the boundaries in order to discover where they are and how to live within them. A caregiver's job is to create and enforce those boundaries, but to do so with flexibility, fairness, and a good dose of compassion and humor. BUT . . . and it's a big one . . . if we were all to be honest, there are just days when you're sure if you had a machine gune, you'd use it to level the entire neighborhood. The good news is that most of us don't act on that! The bad news is that we want to - or that we partially act on it with our words and actions.

As I said, abuse is possible because abusers misuse their power and control, and in doing so, take away the power and control of their victims. For the victim, that horrid sense of being powerless is almost unbearable. That out-of-control sense sets them up to seek out feelings of empowerment, but this is often done in a very unbalanced or irrational way. It is also done in a very secretive way.

When faced with a less powerful person who challenges you - challenges your authority, your agenda, or your expectations - you can find yourself in a complete, irrational rage. It is important that you recognize WHY this reaction is so intense: it is a trigger that re-attaches you to the horrid sense of being powerless. Your intense reaction could set the stage for YOU to become the aggressor/abuser, if you're not careful.

There is also another variation to this dynamic: that because you feel so helpless to handle the very normal challenges of being a caregiver, you can feel as if you're a helpless victim again. The only problem is that THIS time, you're not the child who was the victim of your abuser, but it may feel as if you're the victim of those who you're caregiver for. This is especially true when they express normal aggression or sexualized behavior. Because you may not have a sense of what is and isn't normal - it all feels very threatening to you, which can cause you to feel like you're being victimized by the ones you are caring for.

While there is much more to these possibilities than I have time to write about here, there is one important aspect to both of these responses. Whether you become the unbalanced, irrational aggressor or the unbalanced, irrational victim of those you care for, both of these responses become one more dirty little secret. Like the dirty little secrets of your own abuse, these are locked in and untended because of your own shame and fear.

The impact this has on your ability to appropriately care for others cannot be overstated. If you feel helpless, out-of-control, shame, and guilt - you're not going to reach out for help. You're not going to let someone who is experienced and wise guide you. You're not going to have access to resources to help you be an appropriate caregiver. You're not going to risk exposure, and in doing so, will cause tremendous damage to those in your care as well as to yourself.

Secrets trigger shame and terror. Wisdom and maturity are not easily threatened and are not afraid to say to others, "I need help! I don't know what I'm doing!" If we keep these kinds of dirty little secrets about our relationships with those we care for, there is a very real possibility that the cycles of dysfunction and even abuse will be perpetuated to the next generation.