The Screaming Other

I can have a calm exterior and you'd never know . . . just like other people never know about you. They don't hear it, but you do. I call it the "Screaming Other." You take an examination that you've studied and prepared for. The Screaming Other is yelling, "Failure! Looser!" You've lost weight and gotten some new clothes; the Screaming Other is calling you a fat slob. You confidently stand up for yourself, but the Screaming Other is chipping away at your strength. You share hope and faith with someone who struggles like you have, and the Screaming Other is calling you a hypocrite and a phony. You are sober and clean, but the Screaming Other is making so much noise in your head, you wonder if going back to drugs or cutting or risky sex wouldn’t just be easier. You work hard to get an education and professional skills, but when you sit with your peers, the Screaming Other is telling you that you don't really belong there and everyone knows it.

The Screaming Other has one goal: to continue the destructive work of abuse. It makes sure that the lies that felt like the truth when you were small and vulnerable, still push you aside and shred you to ribbons. I say this often, but it bears repeating: abuse causes the lies to feel like the truth, and the truth to feel like a lie.

The lies from abuse are deeply embedded in how you think, feel, and interpret events and people around you. Some of these lies include the belief that you're disposable or unwanted, that you're never going to be good enough, that no matter how hard you work, you'll always be a second-class person.

Over the years, I've had to get pretty aggressive with the Screaming Other. I remember one particular retreat I taught many years ago. I was going through some very tough spiritual growth that left me feeling shaken and unclear about some fundamental issues. That's the way it goes sometimes, even when you lead the charge, you can still find yourself slugging it out with your personal issues. During this retreat, I did what I always do - I shared the love of Christ, pointed the way to hope and peace, and taught with every ounce of strength I could find. Throughout the ENTIRE three days there was the Screaming Other yelling non-stop in my ear, "Liar! Liar! Liar!" And I was mentally and spiritually screaming back, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" It was exhausting, but I worked hard not to lose my focus which would have robbed me and the retreat participants.

A big chunk of the battle with the Screaming Other is to know there IS a Screaming Other. That the Screaming Other is there to reinforce the lies from the past and push you to self-sabotage or do damage to your relationships and your potential. The lies that feel like the truth need to be recognized. This starts with examining the lies. How did abuse make you feel about yourself? About life? About God? About other people? When you go through that process of identifying the lies, then you have awareness. They no longer blend in with your emotional, mental, and spiritual landscape. The stand out like glaring eye-sores and you see them for what they are: lies.

Take that awareness and listen for those same lies coming from the Screaming Other. I think a big secret to abuse recovery is to pay attention to familiar patterns. The Screaming Other isn't coming up with anything new. It's the same-old-same-old. It attempts to push you back into the small, weak, vulnerable, exploited victim role and keep you there.

Get mouthy with it. Tell it to "SHUT UP!!" Laugh at it. Expose it. Confront it. Show your teeth. That Screaming Other is just the cowardly echo of a past abuser and all the damage that coward did to you. Speak the TRUTH to the Screaming Other. Let it know that you're not a victim anymore. That you have value, potential, and hope. That you have chosen to move beyond it and leave those lies behind in a trail of dust.

It isn't easy to shut up the Screaming Other, but I've discovered - in my own journey beyond abuse - that the Screaming Other diminishes in strength and influence as you aggressively counter lies with truth. That's where freedom begins, anyway . . . with truth. TRUTH sets you free - and silences the Screaming Other.