Familiarity

A number of years ago, I was in Tajikistan teaching a seminar. If you don't know where that is, it borders Afghanistan and China - it was part of the former Soviet Union. The culture and language could not have been more different from mine. Of course, that's what I love about traveling - exposure to new and different experiences, traditions, and people. So there I was, the guest speaker - speaking through a Russian translator. As long as that translator was with me, I could function pretty well. But the true test came at my first meal with the group. I was on my own and no one was nearby who spoke English.

All eyes were on me. Everyone chattered and smiled. A large plate of osh - which is rice, chick peas, carrots, and a bit of meat, all fried together - was placed in the center of the table, along with a huge kettle of hot tea. We each had a bowl and a fork. Through grand motions from those around me, I figured out they were waiting on me to take the first bite. Sooooo . . . I took my fork and heaped the osh into my bowl. The minute I did that, the whole room erupted in laughter - which confused me greatly! Then, a kind young teenage girl pointed to her bowl, poured the tea in it, and plunged her fork into the mound of osh and took a bite. The bowl was for the hot tea! The fork was for me - and everyone else at the table with me - to eat from the common plate of osh! I truly felt like an outsider. It was fun for all of us, but still - I was profoundly aware that I had no idea what was being said, what the customs or practices were, and what was expected of me.

When you grow up in a dysfunctional home - especially where there is also abuse - that is your native culture. You know the customs, you know the language, and you know the rules. No mentor or translator is needed. You know what is expected of you and you know what to expect. Unhealthy, destructive, and self-defeating thoughts and patterns don't require any effort or thought. They're a natural outcome of your "normal."

Now, that doesn't mean that your "normal" makes you happy, keeps you healthy, or gives you peace. In fact, it is the intensity of pain, depression, rage, or self-sabotage that can eventually push you out into the unknown territory of healthy, functional people. But let me say this clearly - no matter how much you want to change, grow, and move on - the discomfort you feel because you're in a strange land - with strange language, customs, and expectations - that discomfort will be a force to contend with. This is especially true at first. That's why it's so difficult to move beyond abuse. It is completely foreign to you.

You may feel so alienated from a new, healthy way to live, think, and behave - that you run back to what you know best. Even though you tell yourself and God that you want to change - that you want to live a new way - when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other on this foreign soil - intentions can go right out the door. It can feel like you’re the center of attention in a room full of people who are nothing like you, and scooping osh into your teacup - never knowing it was meant for tea. But like my experience in Tajikistan, I've learned to accept the kindness and guidance of others who know what is appropriate.

Yes, it feels awkward at first. You might even be reluctant to ask for help or to watch the natives or use the few words of their language that you've picked up along the way. After all - if you admit you need that kind of assistance - you may find yourself back in the familiar state of feeling small, vulnerable, and out-of-control. That sensation alone, can be a trigger to send you packing back to the way it's always been. But growth is about risk-taking - GOOD risk-taking! Not the reckless, destructive risks that are part of dysfunction, but the risks to function in a new way that won't harm yourself or others.

Before you know it, you'll grow more at home in this new land. You won't be quite as homesick for sickness as you were at first. You'll learn to appreciate the new language, practices, and expectations of maturity and health. One thing I learned a long time ago about traveling. Find someone who knows the language and customs and stick close until you learn what you need to know. Then, venture out on your own and test those new phrases, those new ideas, and those new customs. It won't be long before you pour the tea in your bowl and dip your fork in that osh plate - and you won't even think twice about it!