Intimacy Pain

Sexual Pain

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You'll notice that the title of this article in your subject line is Intimacy Pain. I did that so your filters wouldn't toss this in the junk heap. In many ways, that might be a perfect metaphor for the extreme reaction that so many abuse survivors have about the issues of sex and sexuality. The fact is, most survivors are in a great deal of sexual pain. I'm not speaking exclusively to physical sexual pain, but also to emotional and spiritual sexual pain.

I remember a few years ago, as I prepared for a Beyond Abuse retreat, there was one registration form that made me smile, but it also made me sad. The registrant's response to the question, "What are your expectations for this retreat?" wrote, "I just want to know how to have great sex." That sums up where many of us are. We don't understand sex. We're sexually broken people who know a lot about having sex, but don't know much about sexual well-being.

The extreme thinking about sex usually swings to either complete avoidance of sexual sensations and arousal or complete obsession. Sometime, it can actually include both when survivors are so obsessed with sex that it scares them to the point that they avoid any thoughts or behaviors that are sexual in nature. Variations to these extreme ideas are a direct result of the confusing feelings, sensations, environment, relationships, and circumstances that surrounded abuse. Premature sexual awakening and confusing sensations also contributed to this confusion. In addition, the sense of danger, secrets, shame, and terror shaped your sexual ideas. The very real physical pain that many of us experienced is another enormous factor in how we think about sex. This is especially true when you still live with the physical damage, including sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies, genital damage and mutilation, abortion, and urinary tract or gastrointestinal damage.

For the most part, the way most survivors learn about sex, sexual practices and behavior, and your identity as a sexual being comes from your abusers and/or pornography. That fact, alone, can precipitate complete ambivalence. It’s chaotic and complicated for most of us. For those who practice self injurious or predatory sexual behavior, research indicates that this is often an attempt to create a scenario similar to that of abuse, but this time, the victim wins. The reason this kind of behavior can escalate is because the pleasure factor that reinforces the scenario and the stakes are amplified. On the other extreme for those who claim to have a complete aversion and even repulsion of sex, research has demonstrated that these abuse survivors are much more easily aroused than those who indicate they enjoy or pursue sex. What this reveals - on either extreme - is that abuse survivors do not understand sex. Now, to be fair, it's pretty obvious that most of society doesn't have an extremely healthy understanding of sex and sexuality either, but this sense is exaggerated with abuse survivors.

An important antidote to sexual pain is information and truth. I say it often, but when you're abused, the lies feel like truth, and truth feels like a lie. There is no issue that demonstrates this more than sex. For an abuse survivor, being at home in your own body, being at peace with how it functions and what it feels, and allowing those feelings to be experienced as pleasurable, good, and sacred is no small task.

Celibate or sexually active, the truth remains that you, your body, and your sexuality are beautiful, amazing, and sacred creations of God. Long before a partner is introduced into your sexual experience, the one you most need to celebrate and be in awe of is you! The Scripture states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14, Hebrew Bible). In other words, when you decide how you're going to live in your own skin, particularly as a person of faith, you must embrace the exquisite design that is you. That design includes your sexuality and sexual function.

Right about now, you're probably thinking through your sexual history and experiences and finding that celebration of your sexuality and sexual function are not necessarily the conclusions you come to. You think of being exploited and hurt. You think of being used and set up. You think of having the innocence of childhood and the joy of sexual pleasure stolen. These things are part of my sexual history too, but you and I have an opportunity to carve out a new sexual identity. One based on the sacred design, crafted by a master Artist, and intended for pleasure and celebration. That requires actively confronting the lies of abuse, identifying those lies, and replacing the misinformation or contamination with a celebration of the wonder that you and your sexuality are.

Next week, we will look at some of these lies that feel like the truth, and identify new ways of thinking about sexuality that will help you to be sexually healthier. In the meantime, perhaps a good thing to do over this next week is to think about yourself as a sexual being, and join the psalmist's celebration and say to your Creator, "I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful - and that would include me! I know that full well!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse