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In last week's article, I wrote the following:
"Right about now, you're probably thinking through your sexual history and experiences and finding that celebration of your sexuality and sexual function are not necessarily the conclusions you come to. You think of being exploited and hurt. You think of being used and set up. You think of having the innocence of childhood and the joy of sexual pleasure stolen. These things are part of my sexual history too, but you and I have an opportunity to carve out a new sexual identity. One based on the sacred design, crafted by a master Artist, and intended for pleasure and celebration. That requires actively confronting the lies of abuse, identifying those lies, and replacing the misinformation or contamination with a celebration of the wonder that you and your sexuality are."
So let's look at some of this chaos and determine how to find sacred sexual liberation.
Many survivors falsely believe that because they experienced sexual sensations or sexual pleasure, this can only mean that they either invited the abuse or enjoyed it. In other words, they equate sexual pleasure with consent. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, many abusers use sexual pleasure and stimulation as a means of grooming and confusing their victims. If you experienced sexual pleasure during the abuse, if you felt sexual arousal or excitement, you responded exactly as you were created to respond. The problem with those sexual feelings of arousal and pleasure is not that you felt them - the problem is the CONTEXT in which those experiences occurred. You were designed to experience sexual pleasure when sexually stimulate. That's normal. What is NOT normal is the context where that stimulation occurred: the context of abuse.
Sexual acting out with other children or with animals is a very common experience for abuse survivors. In fact, many look back over their youth and see that the predominant theme is pursuit of sexual feelings and experiences. Quite often, when abuse survivors reflect on this sexual theme of their youth, they struggle to even label what happened to them as "abuse." The thinking goes something like this: "If I pursued having sex or sexual encounters with other kids when I was young, maybe I was just a twisted sex maniac that really wanted what happened to me." Again, nothing could be further from the truth. Young people who act out are those who have had a premature sexual awakening. Just like adults, they are trying to make sense of what they experienced and know, sexually. Physically, emotionally, and relationally, they don't know how that's done. Their model has been violation and exploitation by an abuser for the satisfaction of the abuser's needs, so they seek out less threatening partners to explore what is awake and aware. Sexual acting out is one reason abuse survivors carry false guilt and long held secrets. That shame of pursuit is an enormous player in the toxic inner world of one who has survived childhood sexual abuse.
It is very common for abuse survivors to believe that "sex" is the equivalent to being exploited and hurt, set up and used. This is understandable, since this precious gift of sexual expression has been used as a weapon, a trick, and manipulation. A substantial amount of energy must go to counter these beliefs, but that's where balance and truth come in. If you've been abused, you HAVE been exploited, hurt, set up, and used. In fact, many abused youth grow into adults with equally abusive sexual partners who continue these patterns of exploitation, hurt, and manipulation. Sifting through these exploitive experiences and coming to terms with it gives you an opportunity to renegotiate with your body, develop healthy boundaries, and counter the internal sexual script that prevents you from being fully present.
Many abuse survivors are highly aroused by violent or degrading sexual fantasies. For some, these fantasies seem to be the only way they can feel arousal or reach orgasm. At the same time, shame and great confusion accompany the fantasies and the arousal they bring, particularly because they have been sexually victimized and exploited. The reasons for this are not always clear, but it touches deeply on the sexual brokenness within a survivor. It is as if survivors sexually imprint on the twisted, exploitive themes of their abuse and that becomes the baseline or channel to where and how arousal or gratification arrives. The experience of abuse - as I've said many times before - teaches a survivor his or her worth, which generally means they feel like a piece of garbage, like damaged goods, like something defiled and dirty. These are lies that feel like the truth, but when a survivor explores his or her sexuality through the filter of these lies, then violent and degrading fantasies may be the ticket to sexual gratification. To see your sexuality through the truth that you are a sacred, pure, and holy vessel may feel so foreign that you shut down, rather than celebrate the sexual pleasure that God created you to enjoy.
Sometimes, abuse survivors question the impact of abuse on their sexual orientation. There have been several academic studies dedicated to this question and there is no conclusive evidence that abuse determines an individual's sexual orientation. What is frequently experienced by survivors who may wonder why their sexual orientation is what it is, is the suspicion of this correlation. This is particularly true for men who were abused by males. There are many survivors who struggle with their sexual orientation and are searching for a reason why. They suspect that there was something about them that invited the abuse, or that the abuse turned them toward one sexual orientation or another. It is important to recognize that the responsibility for abuse - regardless of the gender of the victim or perpetrator - the responsibility is with the perpetrator, and his or her actions usually reap a chaotic sexual harvest in the survivor's life.
Risk-taking sexual behavior, sexual addiction, struggles with pornography, sexual anorexia - these are the tormented struggles that many abuse survivors wrestle with moment by moment. There is not adequate space here to address how deep these sexually broken roots go. These are complicated struggles that are compounded by feelings of worthlessness, abuse flashbacks, false guilt and shame, body memory, and societies who appear to be as sexually broken as abuse survivors.
But here's the truth: Sexual gratification is a gift from God. Your body is a beautiful vessel, reflective of your Creator's beauty. The sensual, erotic celebration of love was God's idea. There are a few Scriptures found in the Bible that I'd like to point out for you to consider as you reconstruct who you are as a sexual being. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? … for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple" (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). Another Scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19) to meditate on is "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"
The great challenge for abuse survivors is to shed lies and embrace truth. Understanding the beauty and pleasure of your sexuality requires shedding the sexually shattering lies you learned from abuse. Take the time to re-educate yourself about sex and sexual function. You might even want to find a sex education book for children or teens and learn correct information about how your body works. Asking God for help to re-construct how you view yourself includes asking God to help you with your sexual brokenness. In my own journey beyond abuse, some of the holiest moments I’ve known happened as I learned to celebrate the sacredness of sexuality.
Intentionally challenge your sexual chaos and brokenness. Re-write the sexual script that you rehearse over and over in your mind. Treat yourself with the dignity and respect that you were created for. Treat others with that same dignity and respect. Educate yourself. Celebrate your body. I conclude with the opening paragraph from last week's article:
Celibate or sexually active, the truth remains that you, your body, and your sexuality are beautiful, amazing, and sacred creations of God. Long before a partner is introduced into your sexual experience, the one you most need to celebrate and be in awe of is you! The Scripture states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14, Hebrew Bible). In other words, when you decide how you're going to live in your own skin, particularly as a person of faith, you must embrace the exquisite design that is you. That design includes your sexuality and sexual function
Written by Sallie Culbreth
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
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