Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise Sandwiches

My apologies to all who are allergic to peanuts, but this is about peanut butter (sort of!) Peanut butter is, perhaps, one of the most perfect foods there is (again, my apologies to the allergic readers). I've had peanut butter in all kinds of dishes. There's a wonderful African peanut butter soup (nkate nkwan) that is addictive, nutritious, and very filling. A recipe and article can be found by clicking this link.

There's the equally addictive peanut butter cookies with the characteristic criss-cross imprint, and the ever popular Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy. I've had peanut butter pie, peanut butter ice cream, peanut butter on bananas or apples, and peanut butter crackers. Yep, peanut butter is a very versatile food that's filled with nutrients. You can get it processed, creamy, chunky, and natural. You can also make it yourself (or so I've been told).

Of course, in many households, peanut butter sandwiches are the mainstay of childhood school lunches. Add strawberry or grape jelly to that, and you've got a winning combination that most kids will scarf up in a heartbeat! Peanut butter and honey sandwiches are also a big hit. But my very, very, very favorite way to eat peanut butter is on whole wheat bread with mayonnaise, sliced tomatoes, and diced onions! Okay, I can see you cringe over that thought, but don't knock it 'til you try it!

I really do have a point here that has to do with abuse recovery, and that is the vast diversity of paths that lead to healing and balance. I think one of the most dangerous aspects of seeking help is when you encounter a person who insists that the way they found healing is the only way. That's just not true. The damage from abuse falls into fairly uniform categories - self-sabotage, relationship difficulties, addictions, self-injury (cutting, substance abuse, eating disorders, etc.), and emotional imbalance (depression, anger management issues, etc) to name a few, but the road to move beyond that is quite unique for each person.

Some people find great comfort and healing in faith and religious rituals, but those same rituals can be a source of tremendous pain to others. Some people find great courage by confronting their abusers, while others might absolutely whither and disappear with a confrontation. Some people experience healing through art or music or writing, while others prefer quiet meditation or training for a marathon run. Activists use their past hurts as fuel to change things and make a difference, while a person of prayer fights those same battles in another realm. Some people follow prescribed steps taken in a sequential order to feel empowered, and others find personal empowerment as they take responsible risks.

My point is this: please be EXTREMELY careful and EXTREMELY creative in your journey beyond abuse! If "plan A" worked for your uncle and "plan B" worked for your best friend and "plan C" worked for your pastor - that's GREAT! However, if none of those plans helps you to de-tox from past abuse and dysfunction, if none leads you to a place of personal empowerment, spiritual peace, and healthy living - then you must find a plan that does! Equally important for you is not to discard the value of what works for others - because their path was THEIRS and that's cause for celebration!

Finally, I think it's so important to experiment with different approaches and different tools, and come up with the combination that works best for you. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've taken one idea from here, used another technique from there, mixed in a few ideas of my own, fought for empowerment on my knees in prayer, and used my mind to process information - and it is the SUM of these that made a difference for me . . . for ME. It might not work that way for you, and it doesn't have to!

There is joy in this journey beyond abuse. Yes, there is also tremendous pain - but to discover the path to freedom is exhilarating and life changing! So keep on your path or step off and find another - but keep moving, experimenting, listening, and learning. You never know . . . you might even discover that peanut butter, mayonnaise, tomato and onion sandwiches are de-li-cious!!

Sallie’s Recipe for PBMT&O Sandwich:

• 2 slices of 100% whole wheat bread
• 1 blob of all natural peanut butter, smeared on one slice of bread (I like to microwave my peanut butter to soften it up - but make sure that foil seal is completely off before you do . . . take it from me, you'll regret it if you don't!)
• 1 blob of mayonnaise, slathered on the other slice of bread
• 1-2 Tablespoons of diced red onion scattered evenly over the peanut butter
• 2 thick, juicy, slices of home-grown tomatoes (or those nasty hot-house tomatoes that are always in-season in the grocery stores!) stacked up on top of the peanut butter
• Slap that bread slice with the mayo on top of the peanut butter slice (mayo side facing the peanut butter!)
• Keep the crust or lose it – your choice! Cut it in half or leave it whole – your choice!
• Enjoy with a nice cool glass of Mountain Valley Spring Water from Hot Springs, Arkansas!

Written by
Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

The "holidays" are upon us . . . that time of year when dysfunctional relationships can become so amplified that it's almost deafening! The pressure may be on you to insist that the white elephant is not in the room, even if you're all standing knee high in elephant poop! If you've been reading my articles for any length of time, you know that I'm an advocate for balance and strategic planning, and the holidays are when that becomes especially vital.

Take some time to reflect on what IS and is NOT important to you. Do you want to see Aunt Suzie but avoid her low-life husband? Do you want to be with your siblings but know that you'll also have to be with your dysfunctional parents? Do you want to stay home, stay in your jammies, and eat a sandwich? Do you want to prepare a lavish meal and use the china, crystal and silver? Only you know what you want and what you don't want, but it is VERY important to list what you want, what you really need, what you really don't need, and what you absolutely want no part of BEFORE you venture into the holiday festivities.

If you know in advance that you will be with difficult or abusive people, what are your strategies to maintain personal calm, peace, and safety? Take time to think through what those strategies might be? Can you enlist the help of a supportive friend who has awareness about the situation? Perhaps you can brainstorm with that support person and have a pre-determined plan if the gathering becomes hostile. It might even be helpful to establish a SAFE word so that your support person can help you excuse yourself and leave, or escort the difficult people out the door or away from the volatility.

Most toxic relationships that have any kind of history also have a rhythm to when the breakdown occurs - almost as if there's a schedule that is closely followed. Mom burns the turkey and right on schedule, becomes the holiday martyr. Dad turns on the TV to watch football and right on schedule, begins to scream at the kids to shut up and leave him alone. Brother arrives an hour late for the holiday meal and right on schedule, sulks over cold mashed potatoes because no one waited on him. Sister picks a fight with Uncle John about politics and right on schedule, an argument ensues, dragging the entire family into it. You offer to help clear the table and right on schedule, Grandma reminds you of how you broke her heart by not coming to Grandpa's retirement party fifteen years ago. Your abuser sits down next to you at the table and right on schedule, begins using double entendres and playing footsies with you.

You know the rhythm. You know the role each person will most likely fill. You know the flashpoints. That means that you shouldn't be surprised by too much. It also means you can think through your strategies BEFORE the gatherings so that you emerge feeling a bit more empowered, using your voice in a healthy way, and have an exit plan if you need one.

Another option to subjecting yourself, your children, or your partner to dysfunctional traditions is to consider starting a NEW tradition. Participate in a community holiday meal and serve the homeless. Gather with people who are replenishing, and essentially re-create a family gathering, except with a family of choice rather than genetics. Offer to work a holiday shift for a colleague or fellow employee. Spend time with people who live in a nursing home or group home for persons with disabilities or visit people in the hospital. Attend worship services and invite those who are there alone to sit with you, perhaps even share a church feast with them.

Only you can determine what the "holidays" mean to you. You are empowered to strategically think through how you will remain at peace, safe, and healthy. Stretch yourself a bit. If you almost kill yourself cleaning, shopping, and cooking - CHANGE that! You're not any fun to be around anyway when you do! Earlier this year, I was working long hours under some pretty big pressure. Friends of mine were coming from out-of-town to spend a few days with me. In my unhealthier days, I would have put myself in the hospital trying to create a perfect house for them to walk into, but I knew they didn't care about my house - they cared about me. So my friends arrived to dust, unmade beds, dirty dishes in the sink, and paper plates. I can't tell you how UN-like me that was, but it was also incredibly liberating. They laughed, I laughed. We did what they came to my house to do: enjoy each other!

I'm not suggesting that's a solution for you, because some people enjoying going all out. My point is this: think strategically, be reasonable with yourself, plan ahead for those on-schedule toxic dynamics to emerge, and celebrate what it is you hope holidays will celebrate! Take some time this week to make these realistic plans. Oh! And by the way . . . if there's a lot of elephant poop, be sure to wear hip boots! You'll be glad you did!

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Power Differential

What makes abuse, abuse? What is the difference between sexual abuse and consensual sex? These are questions that often plague people as they attempt to sift through their experiences in order to categorize or label them. I think this is sometimes done as a way to either avoid getting help or addressing the damage - but that's an idea reserved for another article.

Many abuse survivors were also sexually quite active when they were young - making it difficult for them to distinguish between what was abuse and what was consensual or acting out. The fact is that the premature sexual awakening of most abuse survivors, combined with the powerful and often confusing sexual sensations that accompany that awakening, create the common response of sexually acting out. This is understandable because people - especially children and young people - pursue powerful sensations in order to understand them and explore how to manage them.

The confused thinking goes something like this: When I was a kid, it seems like I was masturbating or sexually acting out with other kids all the time . . . even with animals. How can I call what happened to me "abuse" when I obviously enjoyed sexual feelings? If I wanted those feelings by myself or with other kids, doesn't that mean I wanted those feelings with . . . [insert name]?

That logic might have merit, except you overlooked one enormous factor: the POWER DIFFERENTIAL! It is the power differential that makes abuse possible. A predator or manipulator or exploiter or [insert behavior here] had more power and control than you did - and they chose to misuse it. That power might have been due to their size or strength, making it impossible to protect yourself or to physically escape, but there is another kind of power that is most often a key factor: the power of the relationship.
The power differential in the relationship also made it impossible to protect yourself. This may have been due to their age or their position within your family or neighborhood or church or school or community. It may have been because they were highly revered, feared, respected, or loathed. Their power may have come from their rage or threats or the leverage they used to control you. Some of that leverage may have been to protect others, to shield the truth from people because you would have been held responsible, or the threat of something terrible happening - like a divorce or an arrest or being homeless or going to Hell or not being believed.

Power is an elusive thing for a vulnerable person - particularly a child. Predators zero in on the powerlessness of their victims and twist the truth. They turned the tables on who was responsible for what and put that responsibility squarely on your shoulders. If they manipulated you to feel sexual pleasure, then they used that normal response to nail your emotional and sexual coffin closed. They created such guilt and chaos in you, that even now - looking back over the years - you struggle to distinguish between abuse and normal sexual curiosity.

It takes time, perspective, and sometimes the validation from outside your own head - to put all of this in order, but you need to hear this clearly: abuse takes place because of the POWER DIFFERENTIAL between you and your abusers. Sexual curiosity, acting out, or experimentation as you developed is not an indication of your consent to abuse. The truth is that sexual pleasure is usually experienced when a person - young or old - is sexually stimulated. The fact that you may have experienced sexual pleasure is NORMAL. What is NOT normal is the context in which you had those sensations - the CONTEXT of abuse.

This week, spend some time identifying exactly WHAT the power differentials were between you and your abusers. It might be helpful to also examine the lack of or limited power you had at that time, and how your abusers exploited those limitations for their gratification. Truth is a great liberator. So is healthy and accurate perception. The residual power of abuse is greatly diminished when you recognize not only the abuse, but the power differentials that made that abuse possible.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Schedule One of Our Seminars for 2011

Schedule a Committed To Freedom Seminar in 2011! Discounts available until December 30th! Our seminars are empowering, packed with information, practical, and affordable for your community, congregation, or organization! And until December 30th, we're offering them at the 2010 rate, a savings of $100! Please investigate the five seminars we offer: Beyond Abuse, Responsible Care, Spirituality & Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery, Manataka Holistic Empower, and Me Too! Scroll down to read each seminar's description and information. Don't put this off! Contact us today and get a Committed to Freedom seminar on your 2011 calendar! Beyond Abuse Seminar This seminar is for abuse survivors, their partners and friends, and people who want to understand. It is presented from a Christian perspective and introduces spiritual tools that are unique to Christian beliefs. Consider offering this as an outreach to your community. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to offer a box lunch to participants. Discount Price: $750.00 2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00 Plus Travel, Lodging, & Meals for Presenter Topics: What Abuse Teaches Issues that abuse survivors struggle with How God factors into abuse recovery The sub-text of Christ's experiences to abuse survivors Strategies to manage stress This seminar is presented from a Christian perspective, but great care is given to respect each participant's spiritual journey and questions. Responsible Care Training Seminar This seminar is for clergy and congregational leaders who want to learn how to better minister to abuse survivors and their families. It also addresses the spiritual needs of sex offenders and how to develop policies that are both compassionate and responsible. There is also a brief examination of ensuring that a culture of safety exists to protect vulnerable members of a congregation and community. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to offer a box lunch to participants. Discount Price: $750.00 2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00 Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for Presenter Topics: Definitions and Damage of Abuse Common issues Forgiveness in the abuse recovery process Helping in ways that don't hurt Creating a culture of safety Sex offenders - concerns, their needs, and how your congregation can develop responsible and compassionate policies to address them Spirituality & Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery Seminar This is a secular seminar for therapists, clinicians, and other helping professions who want further training on inclusion of a client's spirituality in their treatment plan for childhood sexual abuse. It qualifies for 3 CEU hours in most regions. Seminar length is usually three hours. Discount Price: $750.00 2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00 Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for Presenter Topics: PTSD symptoms and the role of attachment Spirituality's potential as a positive therapeutic experience The positive and negative impact of religion on abuse survivors Attachment disorder with God The role of shame in triggering PTSD symptoms The language of faith in therapy Developing competencies to address spirituality in client treatment and care __________________ Manataka Holistic Empowerment Seminar This is a secular seminar for survivors of sexual and physical trauma which is highly flexible to work within diverse cultures, ethnicity, faith traditions, and languages. It incorporates the power of story, art, music, icons of healing, and commonality, which enables participants to identify their own strengths and gifts and then celebrate that discovery. This seminar requires extensive preparation and coordination with a fixed number of pre-registered participants. Seminar length is usually six hours and sponsors are encouraged to provide a meal for participants. Child care services are also encouraged. (Manataka is a Native American term for Place of Peace) Discount Price: $750.00 There is also a $30 per participant materials fee charged based on pre-registration 2011 Price after 12/30: $850.00 Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for the Presenter Team (usually 2-3 people) Topics: The Courage to Grow Building a Memorial to Strength and Wisdom Stress Reduction Managing Triggers The Freedom of Forgiveness The Heart of Love Writing Yourself Back Into Your Own Story Strength and Wisdom Affirmation __________________ Me Too! Seminar This seminar is for persons with intellectual disability who are survivors of sexual and physical trauma. It incorporates the power of story, images, music, and role playing in order to help participants find attainable life skills and personal empowerment. Seminar length is usually two hours. Discount Price: $500.00 There is also a $10 per participant materials fee charged based on pre-registration. 2011 Price after 12/30: $600.00 Plus Travel, Lodging, and Meals for the Presenter Topics: The Courage to Grow Learning to identify emotions Role playing personal boundaries Strategies for personal empowerment __________________ A Few Places We've Given Seminars: Redeemer Presbyterian Church - NYC Tarrant County College - Ft. Worth, TX First Presbyterian Church - Colorado Springs, CO The Brooklyn Tabernacle - Brooklyn, NYC Vienna Presbyterian Church - Vienna, VA Cornerstone Assembly of God - Oxford, CN Catholic Diocese of Davenport, IA Mental Health/Mental Retardation Agency of Tarrant County - Ft. Worth, TX Hawthorn Gospel Church - Hawthorn, NJ African Services Committee - Harlem, NYC Teen Challenge of Arkansas - Hot Springs, AR Martin United Methodist Church - Bedford, TX Congregations in Ecuador Tajikistan France Honduras Costa Rica Czech Republic ... and many other locations in the USA. References available upon request. Unfortunately, abuse isn't going away anytime soon. Will your organization, your congregation, or your group be prepared to facilitate healing for survivors and their families? These seminars will help you to do just that. Don't put off scheduling one or more of these seminars. We have references available upon request. Please email us today with your questions and your calendar! We can't wait to hear from you! Peace, Sallie Culbreth, M.S., Founder Anne Quinn, Co-Director

Save $100 Scheduling a Committed to Freedom seminar before December 30th will bring you a savings of $100 per seminar! In order to receive this discount, a $100 deposit must be received once an agreed upon date and location are confirmed with us. Please email us today to begin this process. It will be one of the best decisions you could make for your community! Offer Expires: December 30, 2010 Committed to Freedom, Inc. is a non-profit organization that provides people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse. This communication is provided for education and inspiration and does not constitute mental health treatment. This communication does not constitute legal or professional advice, nor is it indicative of a private therapeutic relationship. Individuals desiring help for abuse related issues or other psychological concerns should seek out a mental health professional.

Unreasonable!

If you've ever been in a relationship with an unreasonable person, you know how painful and distressing that can be. For an abuse survivor, the very fact that there is or has been abuse means there have also been unreasonable people in your life. For children living with abuse, there is unrelenting pressure to fix the problems. To keep everyone happy. To make everything okay so that bad things will no longer happen. For adults living with abuse or with the aftermath of childhood abuse, that same pressure exists. It's remarkable how responsible a victim can feel for the people and circumstances that perpetuate abuse!

A core reason that this pressure is felt so deeply is because of the false belief that you can somehow make unreasonable people reasonable. Many abuse survivors are "fixer's." In other words, they try to fix circumstances or fix people or fix themselves in order to smooth out the rough experiences that seem to surround them. The problem with this is that it is like giving an alcoholic one more drink or a dieter one more double-bacon-cheeseburger-with-fries. It will never be enough.

This is a harsh realization to come to: no matter what you do, it will never be enough. You cannot make unreasonable people happy. Sure, you can give them what they want and it will have a temporary effect, but the impact of that reprieve lasts a breathtakingly short period of time. Why? Because you cannot make unreasonable people happy!

To live as a person of peace, to be reasonable and to take personal responsibility for one’s well-being and balance can only be done by each individual. I've known people living in the direst of circumstances who still manage to find fulfillment and peace because they choose to. They choose to be kind. They choose to have boundaries. They choose to own themselves. I've also known people who lived in circumstances of opportunity and plenty who are bitter, resentful, and self-absorbed. In both of these examples, you do not have the ability, resources, or power to make these people reasonable. They either will be or won't be - but that's their decision.

I'm a firm believer in examining patterns. I believe it's important to first look inward and examine your own patterns and motivations. Self-assessment and self-awareness can help you to break unhealthy patterns. I think it is also very important to examine the patterns of behavior in those you are in relationship with. Whether your partner, your colleagues, your parents, friends, children, or family - if these important people are unreasonable, there is not much you can do to change that until they choose to change.

This reality means that you must re-adjust your own expectations of what you can and cannot do - what you will and will not do - if you are to remain in relationship with these people. This re-adjust is sometimes called "setting boundaries." What those boundaries are - only you can determine, but if you come to terms with your own limitations to make unreasonable people happy, then you can re-direct your energies to become a healthier person, yourself. This is not the same thing as becoming a self-absorbed, my-way-or-the-highway kind of person (that would make you unreasonable!). It is about recognizing that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

It is extremely important to understand this as you make your way forward on your journey beyond abuse. Yes, being compassionate, merciful, patient, and kind are vital to being a healthy human being, but there is a difference between a boundary-less doormat and a person who refuses to "throw their pearls before swine"(Matthew 7:6 in the New Testament Bible).

This week, take some time to examine the patterns in your relationships. Ask yourself if these patterns are toxic or healthy, functional or dysfunctional. Once you identify the relational patterns, then ask yourself this: Am I spending energy trying to re-arrange circumstances to make unreasonable people happy? Am I spending energy trying to become healthy, balanced, and establishing boundaries that are good for me and good for everyone else? These kinds of assessments help you to find sure footing so that you move toward healthy balance and away from toxic dysfunction.

In my own journey, I have to do this frequently. I also need the perspective of wise friends to help me see clearly - something I encourage you to do, also. I am still in relationships with unreasonable people, but I strive to maintain reasonable expectations of myself - knowing I will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or wealthy enough to make them reasonable or satisfied. That's just the way it is. I work to remain aware of that truth so that I can make wiser, healthier choices.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse