Acknowledging the Depression Monster

Let me say at the onset that depression is a serious condition that needs immediate attention. I completely support the use of anti-depressants to better manage the symptoms of depression. I completely support the use of medications to better manage the symptoms of depression. I also completely support exercise, healthy diet, stress management, and contemplative prayer. Depression is physical AND emotional AND spiritual - and all sides of that equation need to be tended to. It is complex and may require the attentive care of qualified professionals, including a mental health therapist and a physician.

For more information about depression, go to the National Institute of Mental Health website:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

I want to address the energy behind depression - behind depressive symptoms. Traumatic experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse or sudden loss, bring you face to face with the terrible reality that the world is not safe . . . that the world is not good. You may remember the moment you experienced that reality - you may not. Some people recognize this gradually by simply living life, but trauma plunges you into that realization with little-to-no preparation and very few tools to work through it.

Faced with the shocking realization that the world is not safe and not good, people have to find ways to cope. That can lead you to create elaborate and irrational beliefs and habits to push the shock away. Unfortunately, this is usually manifested in self-sabotage at best, and complete despair at worst. As the cyclical trauma/self-sabotage/despair perpetuates itself, it gathers momentum (and years), and becomes the perfect storm for depression.

It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You experience trauma and become immersed in a world of terror, powerlessness, and vulnerability. The stage is set for you to expect that kind of world, particularly if you were the victim of chronic abuse or neglect. At some level, you not only are the victim of trauma, but also a victim of your irrational beliefs and behaviors that are formed to push the experience of trauma away.

Of course, those experiences have a way of pushing back and you find yourself facing not only the reality of what WAS - but also facing the tremendous disappointment of what HAS BECOME. You lose hope because the trap of trauma and irrational living seems to overtake and overpower you. Essentially, you lose heart. You can't find the energy or drive to function. You struggle to answer the question, "Is it worth it?" with any response other than, "Not really." You get so beat down by what WAS and what IS that you have no reserve to draw from. It's the epic struggle for power and control gone terribly, destructively wrong.

In a perfect world, you have adequate funds and resources for appropriate help. Of course, that's not the experience of many abuse survivors who struggle with depression. In fact, you may be suffering not only from depression, but from the inability to find or pay for the help you need. This is when - even if you don't feel like it - you must find an interior point-of-reference in order to better manage depression. Depression - even when you're on medication - can obstruct your view of that inner strength point-of-reference, so it's important to begin with a simple success and build on it. Even if you do have appropriate care and medications, you must still find the tools to draw upon your inner strength.

Your greatest strength is ENDURANCE. You have proven that because you're here! Depression distorts how you see yourself, particularly when you've been abused. Even the smallest re-adjustment of your self-image could make a huge difference in how you manage depression. So think about that - YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH IS YOUR ENDURANCE OR YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!

Another great strength you have is your TENACITY to press forward. Again, if you didn't have tenacity, you wouldn't be here and you certainly wouldn't be reading this article! The fact that you've sought help - that you're reading this article - clearly demonstrates that you are like a pit-bull who will not let go until you find what you need.

A substantial question to ask yourself if you struggle with depression is, "What strength has gotten me this far?" I'm talking about STRENGTHS - not the band aide like drinking or spending or hiding or other self-sabotaging habits - what STRENGTH has gotten you this far? Look for that strength - capitalize on it. Put it in the center of your thinking and focus. Use the STRENGTHS that you have identified (like endurance and tenacity for starters) to build on. Perhaps one strength you can build on is your relationship with God – or perhaps not. For many abuse survivors - even the relationship with God seems to be peppered with disappointment and disillusionment.

An important tool to manage the spiritual component of depression is to tell God how you feel about your connection to him. Finding an ally in God is possible only when that connection is built on honesty - so if you're comforted by God - tell him. If you struggle with God - tell him. Either way, you're not taking God by surprise, but you are building your interior resources.

I recognize that life - by and large - is a pretty disappointing experience. Trauma certainly cements that reality into your soul, but so does the day-to-day struggle to function that so many of us know. You can't talk yourself out of depression with optimistic drivel, but you can take a breath and acknowledge that life has been very unfair. With that acknowledgement also comes the recognition that you have tremendous strength or you wouldn't have made it this far.

Read up on depression and how to help yourself through proper food, rest, and stress management. Change what you can. Stay away from depressing entertainment. Use what little energy you have wisely. Recognize your strengths and slowly build on them. Do things that will nurture a healthier worldview to anchor you into what could become an ally. Think strategically to identify not only WHAT you can do to help yourself, but HOW.


This is the third in a three part series on Acknowledging the Monsters.

Acknowledging the Rage Monster

There have been many fine books and articles written about anger management, so this is not my feeble attempt to re-invent the wheel. What I want to focus on is your acknowledgement of what the Rage Monster really is. I recognize that every abuse survivor struggles with unique issues in different ways, but rage is a universal issue when abuse is experienced.

I can hear some of you challenging that assertion. "You're wrong, I have a very long-fuse" or "I never, ever lose my temper with anyone." But I'd like to peel that back a bit more to help you understand that rage doesn't always manifest itself with a fist through the wall or a glass hurled across the room. Some people don't have a ripple on their pond while others produce surf-worthy waves, but rage is more than outward anger. It is the deep, unsettled sense that someone has to pay for what was done to you. Please understand that may not even be a conscious thought for you, but it is there and it is powerful.

Rage is the offspring of lost power and control. To experience abuse or trauma of any kind brings every human being to the terrifying reality that they do not have enough power and control to protect themselves or to prevent trauma. When you are confronted with that reality - even as a child - it sets off a torrent of panic and unleashes an obsessed vigilante who is bent on punishing wrongs and vindicating injustice. It sets everyone on a course of power-gathering, but it is important to note that HOW that power is gathered varies from person to person.

Some of us bulk up - physically, financially, professionally, academically, and relationally. The thinking is that the better or more you have - be it people or beauty or money or drugs or food - the more powerful you are. You work hard to push that sense of being overpowered and exploited behind all that you have and are. No one ever sees the terrified child cowering in the corner when you're beautiful or rich or smart or high.

Some of us are explosive - perhaps even dangerous and abusive, too. If you threaten to verbally annihilate or physically destroy anyone who crosses you - then no one will ever suspect that you once were so small and weak that you couldn't protect yourself and couldn't stop it.

Some of us pull inward at the slightest hint of risk-taking. You don't risk expressing your real thoughts or feelings. You don't risk making a move or making a change. You never rock the boat. You work yourself into the ground accommodating the demands and needs of others, putting them above your own to the point of exhaustion. Your silence and compliance are highly effective cover ups for the perpetual screams that were never heard when you were being abused - that no one ever intervened to stop.

The Rage Monster is the out-of-balance demander of justice. The judge, jury, and executioner who lives to catch and punish. Some of you live to catch and punish others - even those who may have nothing to do with the abuse and trauma you experienced. Others catch and punish yourself for being weak, less-than, and unwanted.

Acknowledging the Rage Monster means you also acknowledge the brutal truth that you were helpless, vulnerable, small, and weak. It also means you acknowledge that others failed, exploited, overpowered, and hurt you. The issue of justice which underpins the Rage Monster must be acknowledged, as well. There will never be enough punishment - either on others or on yourself - to right the wrongs you have suffered. No matter how strong or beautiful or accomplished or scary or self-destructive or invisible you are - it will never be enough to change what happened.

The Rage Monster can only be tamed - can only be better managed - when you release the issues of justice from your personal control. Even if you have a $1 million settlement check or your abuser is rotting in a dark prison somewhere – it will never be enough for you if you live your life as a vigilante. As a person of faith, I'd like to submit that we have SOMEONE to release the issues of justice to - God. If you aren't a person of faith - there is still a releasing that can be quite helpful in setting your mind and heart free from the Rage Monster.

The Rage Monster is diminished when that which we have clenched in our fists is released - when you embrace yourself as a vulnerable and needy creature who has been hurt and will most likely be hurt again. The Rage Monster is a liar. There is no way to live in a fortress of rage - expressed outwardly or inwardly - and not be further harmed. In many ways, living life in that way makes you more vulnerable and weak than you might think. It is when we take risks, when we learn healthy boundaries and practice discernment, that the fuel of the Rage Monster dries up. We will no longer believe if we just have enough power and control, we'll silence the past. The past is the past. The amount of power I permit that past to have over how I live today is truly where taming the Rage Monster begins.

This is the second in a three part series on Acknowledging the Monsters.

Acknowledging the Sexual Monster

It's a difficult thing to look at yourself honestly, but in my own journey beyond abuse, change has rarely come unless I honestly acknowledged the monsters (or issues) within me. For most abuse survivors, there are generally three monsters that need to be acknowledged and tamed:

(1) The sexual monster, (2) The rage monster, and (3) The depression monster.

Yes, there are an abundance of other issues you may struggle with, but you'll probably discover they are spin-offs of one of these three. In fact, even depression can be another spin-off of rage - not always, but sometimes. Over the next few weeks, I'd like to explore each of these monsters and what they mean to your journey beyond abuse.

The Sexual Monster is one that creates the greatest chaos, shame, and difficulty. If you experienced sexual abuse - especially as a child - your sexual teachers were abusive exploiters of your innocence, your vulnerability, and your curiosity. Your sexual experiences in the context of abuse - the sensations, the feelings of pleasure, power, terror, or pain - shaped how you learned to think about sex. Please note, I didn't say these experiences shaped how you learned ABOUT sex, but how you learned to THINK about sex. You “cut your sexual teeth,” so to speak, on twisted, inappropriate, and often traumatizing sexual experiences. While many abuse survivors have a great deal of sexual experience, most have very little understanding or factual information about sex - how your body works or how a partner's body works.

There was an interesting study done some time back with people who self-reported being very resistant or reluctant about sexual experiences. In this study, there was also a control group of people who self-reported that they enjoyed sex and felt balanced regarding sex. When physiological measures were used, the group that reported being repulsed by or resistant to sex were actually MORE aroused than those who said they didn't have problems with sex. What this tells me is that many of us who experienced sexual abuse are highly conflicted when it comes to sex. The internal dialogue goes something like this. "If I want sex or enjoy sex now . . . then that must mean that I wanted and enjoyed the abusive sex." That is a FALSE conclusion, but it is a powerful falsehood that creates the deep sexual conflict that many survivors suffer with.

One step toward having a healthier relationship with sex is to acknowledge that wanting and enjoying sex are NOT synonymous with wanting or enjoying abuse. The Sexual Monster is really a sexual lie. God made us to both desire and enjoy sex. The experiences of abuse skew that until it becomes a source of great turmoil, confusion, shame, and even perversion. If you don't acknowledge the Sexual Monster, then you probably aren't combating it with truth, factual information, and personal dignity. That could leave you either highly aroused for very disturbing reasons (such as seeing children or fantasizing about being raped), or could even lead you to act on that arousal and become a sexual predator or sexual victim.

Sex was meant as a gift from God to be celebrated, respected, and experienced responsibly. The Sexual Monster can either completely shut you down, sexually, or do just the opposite - create a new generation of predator, exploiter, or addict. Sex is a complicated issue for abuse survivors - believe me, I understand that. By the end of this year, we hope to have a guide to healthy sexuality put together and offered as a resource. Until then, think (and yes . . . even pray) about the Sexual Monster that may be robbing you of a healthy appreciation for who you are as a sexual being. Like any bully, when you turn and face that which has tried to conquer you - you often disarm its power over you and find that you are the one who can become empowered - to know truth and live in truth, even about your sexuality.


Next week, we'll look at the Rage Monster and the following week, we'll address the Depression Monster.