It's Complicated

Nothing sends me into orbit quicker than statements from clueless people, especially when it comes to the issues of sexual trauma. Let me say at the beginning that most clueless people are not trying to be malicious - they're just clueless. However, ignorance doesn't make their words or opinions any less hurtful. I've found it necessary to dig my nails in - white knuckled at times - as these un-informed, self-appointed advisors pass judgment or let me know what they'd do if they were me. Well . . . they aren't me and they haven't earned the right to judge - at least not by the standards they use. They aren't you, either.

Sexual trauma - regardless of the circumstances - is complicated. What makes it particularly complicated is context, relationships, age, response, and circumstances. If the perpetrator is a relative, it's quite possible that you feel some kind of affection for her or him, or even protective. It's also possible that you never want to see that person again and that you are disgusted or repulsed with every fiber of your being. Clueless people will tell you to either “forgive and forget” or to abandon these relationships completely. It doesn't always work that way - and that's part of the inner pressure you may feel.

If the perpetrator lurked in the shadows and suddenly took advantage of an opportunity to have access to you, clueless people will say things like, "It could have been worse" or "Just get over it and think happy thoughts." They don't understand that you are struggling with the “I-should-have, would-have, could-have” syndrome - second guessing your actions and your responses, questioning why you were targeted, or wondering if you're partly to blame for being in the vicinity of the shadow-monster. It takes time to sort through these thoughts and land on your feet. Clueless people don't understand that this is a difficult, complicated process.

If the perpetrator systematically groomed you - set you up with attention, favors, kindness, and affection - they exploit your needs for acceptance and inclusion. Clueless people will look at the outcome of this grooming and assume there was willingness and cooperation on your part. They won't recognize the grooming, the set up, or the strategic manipulation that placed you in the position of being victimized and exploited. This is often even more hurtful to you when the perpetrator has also manipulated everyone else around you. It also means that clueless people have no idea what they're looking at or who they’re dealing with - even when it's right in front of them. Perpetrators who groom are often so skilled at controlling others’ perception and cooperation - that people are actually charmed by them and sympathetic toward them. Being the victim of systematic grooming is a very difficult role to move beyond. It takes a while to know the truth, to recognize the grooming and set up, and to let yourself off the hook. Clueless people may even blame you because manipulators are so charismatic.

Recovery from sexual trauma is always a process. I've found it necessary to develop a pretty resilient shell when it comes to clueless people. I had to learn that my experiences are unique to me and extremely complicated. I had to cut myself some slack when clueless friends and family weighed in. I had to set some boundaries and use my voice to lay down the ground rules for their input and advice giving. I also had to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were operating out of ignorance due to a lack of similar experiences (thank God!!), and without malice - at least at the beginning!

Whether you've been groomed, suddenly assaulted, or kept by a perpetrator - it's always complicated. The situations are complicated. Your responses, decisions, and actions are also complicated. There is nothing about recovery that is simple. NOTHING! You're not dealing with a checker board of only black and white squares and specifically designated moves. What works for you may not work for others. What decisions you make may not be appropriate for anyone else. Your responses took place in a context of circumstances, age, and relationships. Let me repeat: nothing is simple. Recovery is complicated - and there will always be clueless people in your life that do not have the capacity to grasp that.

In your journey beyond abuse and trauma, be prepared for clueless people. Expect it, because when you do, it lessens the potential to derail your progress. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to have wise, informed, and aware people around to get you through the debris of trauma? Of course - but that's not always available to you. Take a deep breath, determine if their motives are good or not, and take this at your own pace, in your own way. And above all things, realize that it's complicated and that it takes awhile to regain your balance and strength.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Hijacked

It's no secret that sexual trauma is a thief. The experience of assault and abuse steals a great deal from victims. Innocence. Freedom. Health. Safety. Relationships. The list varies, but there is always loss.

A particularly troubling loss is to your calendar - your seasons - your special days. If Valentine's Day twelve years ago ended in rape, then the significance of that day changes for you. If your birthday celebration turned into an opportunity for predators to molest you, your birthday becomes tainted by their actions. If the night of your high school graduation included assault and terror, then that accomplishment has been overshadowed by pain and fear. If Sunday afternoons after church gave relatives an excuse to abuse you, then the "Day the Lord Has Made" feels as if it was made for weeping, not for worship. If you were preyed upon when going out with friends or walking down a street, you may think you were to blame for an attack because you were there, having fun. (Please NOTE: the person responsible for any abuse, assault, or attack is the perpetrator, NOT the victim!!)

Recovery is about taking back what you a right to. It is about refusing to relinquish your holidays or special occasions to the thief. It is about reclaiming your body as your own, your right to be who you are, and your seasons to enjoy as you see fit. You cannot be passive about this. No one will give you these things - you must militantly reclaim them as yours.

Our Co-Director, Anne, was brutally raped many years ago on Halloween. The fun, the costumes, the silly trick-or-treating - all of it had the potential to invoke only pain for the rest of her life, and that would be understandable. But Anne did something revolutionary. She refused to let the vile animals that did this to her hijack the day. How did she do that? Well, every Halloween, she throws a HUGE party, decorates her house so elaborately that it stops traffic, and dresses in costumes with her friends and family, enjoying treats and special times of fun. In other words, the day that was hijacked - she took back!

Yes, trauma is a thief. A brutal, cruel thief. There is nothing to make light of. To shrug it off, to push it deep inside, or to deny the loss will only hijack all of your future days, seasons, and moments. There is loss, but there can also be gain if you make the decision to reclaim what you have every right to.

An important aspect of this reclamation process, is that the timing has to be right for YOU - when you're ready. At first, it may feel forced or false, but the key is to aggressively claim what is yours!

There is a time to mourn and to remember. There is a time to reflect and heal. And there is a time to radically take back what is yours - be it attending a religious service, Valentine's Day, Sunday afternoons, the first day of springs, or walking down any street you want to!

In the Hebrew Bible, there is a beautiful promise from God that states, "“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25). Trauma hijacks the ordinary every day moments and the large celebratory ones too. You have been empowered by God to take those back and reclaim them as yours.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse