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Monday, November 8, 2010
Schedule One of Our Seminars for 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Unreasonable!
If you've ever been in a relationship with an unreasonable person, you know how painful and distressing that can be. For an abuse survivor, the very fact that there is or has been abuse means there have also been unreasonable people in your life. For children living with abuse, there is unrelenting pressure to fix the problems. To keep everyone happy. To make everything okay so that bad things will no longer happen. For adults living with abuse or with the aftermath of childhood abuse, that same pressure exists. It's remarkable how responsible a victim can feel for the people and circumstances that perpetuate abuse!A core reason that this pressure is felt so deeply is because of the false belief that you can somehow make unreasonable people reasonable. Many abuse survivors are "fixer's." In other words, they try to fix circumstances or fix people or fix themselves in order to smooth out the rough experiences that seem to surround them. The problem with this is that it is like giving an alcoholic one more drink or a dieter one more double-bacon-cheeseburger-with-fries. It will never be enough.
This is a harsh realization to come to: no matter what you do, it will never be enough. You cannot make unreasonable people happy. Sure, you can give them what they want and it will have a temporary effect, but the impact of that reprieve lasts a breathtakingly short period of time. Why? Because you cannot make unreasonable people happy!
To live as a person of peace, to be reasonable and to take personal responsibility for one’s well-being and balance can only be done by each individual. I've known people living in the direst of circumstances who still manage to find fulfillment and peace because they choose to. They choose to be kind. They choose to have boundaries. They choose to own themselves. I've also known people who lived in circumstances of opportunity and plenty who are bitter, resentful, and self-absorbed. In both of these examples, you do not have the ability, resources, or power to make these people reasonable. They either will be or won't be - but that's their decision.
I'm a firm believer in examining patterns. I believe it's important to first look inward and examine your own patterns and motivations. Self-assessment and self-awareness can help you to break unhealthy patterns. I think it is also very important to examine the patterns of behavior in those you are in relationship with. Whether your partner, your colleagues, your parents, friends, children, or family - if these important people are unreasonable, there is not much you can do to change that until they choose to change.
This reality means that you must re-adjust your own expectations of what you can and cannot do - what you will and will not do - if you are to remain in relationship with these people. This re-adjust is sometimes called "setting boundaries." What those boundaries are - only you can determine, but if you come to terms with your own limitations to make unreasonable people happy, then you can re-direct your energies to become a healthier person, yourself. This is not the same thing as becoming a self-absorbed, my-way-or-the-highway kind of person (that would make you unreasonable!). It is about recognizing that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.
It is extremely important to understand this as you make your way forward on your journey beyond abuse. Yes, being compassionate, merciful, patient, and kind are vital to being a healthy human being, but there is a difference between a boundary-less doormat and a person who refuses to "throw their pearls before swine"(Matthew 7:6 in the New Testament Bible).
This week, take some time to examine the patterns in your relationships. Ask yourself if these patterns are toxic or healthy, functional or dysfunctional. Once you identify the relational patterns, then ask yourself this: Am I spending energy trying to re-arrange circumstances to make unreasonable people happy? Am I spending energy trying to become healthy, balanced, and establishing boundaries that are good for me and good for everyone else? These kinds of assessments help you to find sure footing so that you move toward healthy balance and away from toxic dysfunction.
In my own journey, I have to do this frequently. I also need the perspective of wise friends to help me see clearly - something I encourage you to do, also. I am still in relationships with unreasonable people, but I strive to maintain reasonable expectations of myself - knowing I will NEVER be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or wealthy enough to make them reasonable or satisfied. That's just the way it is. I work to remain aware of that truth so that I can make wiser, healthier choices.
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Scattered 'n Smothered
There are members of my immediate family who have a tradition of going to Waffle House every Christmas for breakfast. Now, I admit that I love the ambiance of Waffle House because the patrons, the staff, and the food are consistently colorful. One of the great things about this restaurant chain's "charm" is that the food servers call out the orders to the "chef," who repeats the order. There is a Waffle House code for hash brown potato preparation that gives the order for how those 'taters are prepared. Scattered, smothered, covered, and diced means hash brown potatoes that are scattered in oil on the grill and served with sautéed onions, melted cheese, and grilled tomatoes.For an abuse survivor, being SCATTERED has another meaning altogether. It means that you aren't focused, rational, or at peace. You may feel like you've been scattered on a hot grill and sautéed in oil, but the real issue is the mental chaos that interferes significantly with how you function. You're easily distracted. You are disorganized. You lose or misplace everything. You always run late. You drive yourself and everyone else nuts.
On the other hand, other abuse survivors are just the opposite. You SMOTHER. You're so intense and focused that no one can keep up with you. You stay on target, on message, or on mission. You're so organized that you leave absolutely NOTHING to chance. You know exactly where everything you need is at all times and even make a mental note of where others place items that you know they'll eventually need. You are punctual or even early to everything. And - by the way - you too drive yourself and everyone else nuts.
To be an abuse survivor means that at some point - when you were vulnerable, needy, and weak - you experienced trauma, secrets, danger, and exploitation that rendered you powerless. That's how abuse happens - someone with more power - be it physical or relational - misused their power and robbed you of yours. There aren't very many situations that create more anxiety for an abuse survivor than being back in that role of having little or no control. Some of us are so overwhelmed by it, that we become mentally and emotionally chaotic and scattered. Others of us are so overwhelmed by it that we try to smother it with our careful control. Either way, it's a reaction to the sense of powerless and threat.
If you're a SCATTERED kind of person, you'll need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed, externally calm, and logistically in control. Face it - you already know your patterns. You know how easily the thin ice you skate on fractures. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air and being swept away by your life circumstances, take some time to problem-solve your tendencies. If you always lose your keys - then put a nail or hook by the door and put them there the minute you come in. If you perpetually lose things, lose track of time, drop important tasks - take time to develop a reasonable system (not an over-the-top-you'll-never-succeed-because-it's-too-complicated system) to increase the likelihood of staying focused and productive.
If you're a SMOTHER kind of person, you'll also need to do some substantial strategic planning in order to remain internally composed and externally calm. Of course, one dilemma of a highly organized and task oriented person is the positive reinforcement you receive. People may even give you high marks, high praise, or positive reports. This becomes a problem, however, when you do not take care of yourself - when you don't cultivate inner peace, calm, and compassion for yourself or others. If being punctual and organized comes at the expense of your health, your relationships, and your joy - then it ceases to serve any positive function for you. You'll burn out and it won't be pretty.
SCATTERED people need to calm down. SMOTHER people need to do the same. Both of these reactions are a response to feeling as if you have no control - as if you're vulnerable, weak, and in danger of being exploited. Eventually, both ways of living will backfire to the point that you really ARE in a position of being powerless and vulnerable.
No - I'm not saying we're all Waffle House hash browns, but I AM saying that it is important to be aware and mindful of HOW you handle stressful circumstances. Do you exacerbate them with your chaos or do you allow yourself to be consumed by the pressure to perform and conquer? Balance is the key. Personal peace, relational well-being, and spiritual health come through balance. Awareness that you feel stress and pressure gives you the upper edge so that you can strategically accomplish what is needed without sacrificing yourself or precious relationships.
Take some time this week to examine HOW you handle stressful circumstances and then do some strategic planning to correct your under-compensation or your over-compensation. Who knows - you may even want to take a trip to Waffle House and order hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country - while you do!
By the way, hash browns that are chunked, peppered, capped, topped, and country are served with ham, jalapeno peppers, mushrooms, chili, and sausage gravy, respectively.
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Me? Afraid?
I remember sitting in my counselor's office in the early stages of dealing with my abuse. I was going through the laundry list of all the things I was afraid of. She looked at me and said, "Perfect love casts away fear." Well, she might as well have toss ice water in my face! I was shocked! There I was - a spiritual leader, a strong Christian, and my secular therapist had the nerve to use MY book (the Bible) to jar me speechless.The Scripture that she used was part of 1 John 4:18 (New Testament Bible). It reads this way: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
The fact is, most abuse survivors are paralyzed by fear. Some of us stay as hidden as possible from the things that cause us to feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable. Others of us fight any and every one/thing that comes our way (so that we won't feel powerless, exposed, or vulnerable). Either way, fear is a core issue for abuse survivors. We work hard to numb it, run from it, or attack it. You may even rotate between all three!
Fear is not always a bad thing. Fear warns you of danger. Fear gives you common sense and re-routes otherwise foolish circumstances or relationships. But the fear I had, the fear you may still struggle with was NOT an ally. It's a paralyzing dominatrix. It drives everyone around you crazy. It drives you to the brink of a complete breakdown. It hinders you from being a truly free human being and controls what kind of parent, lover, friend, and colleague you are.
When I recovered from my speechless moment with the counselor, I could feel the pressure building in my heart. It was true. I was afraid AND I was clueless about that kind of love. I blurted out, "But there is so much to be afraid of!" Scenes of my own abuse. Fears of my children being abused, of not being wanted or needed by people who were important to me, and of not measuring up to what I thought God required of me - it all crashed inside me like tectonic plates that lead to an earthquake.
"Exactly." she said. That began a new season of exploration - of sifting out legitimate, rational fear from irrational and unfounded fear. I discovered much about myself in that process. I recognized that many of my relational issues - how I relate to others - were guided by my own fears of being unwanted or unnecessary. I recognized that most of my parenting issues - how I parented, established and enforced rules, and allowed my children to grow - were due to my fears of their safety based on my own lack of safety when I was abused. I even recognized that my relationship with God and how I lived out that relationship was dominated by fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not being righteous enough. Enough! Enough! Enough!
Love is an interesting ingredient to this issue of fear. Love for and from others. Love for and from God. Love for and from self. It is interesting because in this context it implies trust. If you trust people you are close to, then you're not afraid of their motives or behaviors. If you trust God's love and goodness, then performance and harshness are not factors in how you live out your faith. If you trust yourself, then you are confident in your ability to make wise choices and live in a healthy, constructive, and balanced way.
Take some time this week to examine your fears - I mean REALLY examine them. Are your fears due to legitimate concerns and issues or are the carry-overs from your past? Are your fears a reflex reaction or are they a reasoned response? Are they irrational or well-founded? Where does love (and/or trust) factor in to your fears or lack of them?
Self-examination is a valid process in moving beyond abuse. So much of what abuse survivors think and do is on “auto-pilot,” more-or-less. Because fear is often such a big issue for abuse survivors, constructing a solid understanding of love and trust, and how they factor in to your fears and courage go a long way in helping you to move beyond abuse.
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
Thursday, September 30, 2010
False Memories and Blank Spots
There is a new book making the rounds about false memories entitled “My Lie” by Meredith Maran. I listened to her interview on NPR (click here to listen to the interview) a few days ago. I found it to be fascinating and relevant to what many abuse survivors struggle with: the search for a reason to make sense of your struggles. For many of us, the abuse seems dream-like at times or disjointed with large missing pieces and blank spots that seem to feel unnerving or even threatening.Contrary to television crime shows, where a witness has perfect recall as if their memories are TiVo'd - that's not the way our memories work. Particularly traumatic memories. Our minds are amazing machines that have been given the task of keeping us protected and functioning. Sometimes that means tucking away terrifying experiences into memory crevices that are hard to locate, or coding them a bit differently from non-traumatic memories so they are recalled differently. This is often the reason that memories comes to you in bits and pieces, rather than a cohesive stream of information. Another facet of trauma recall is the age you were when abuse occurred versus the age you are when the memories take front-and-center for you. For example, in my late 40’s, I located the house where much of my abuse occurred. In my mind, I remembered the house as an enormous, haunted-house type mansion where you could practically hear perpetual thunder and lightning crackling across the rooms. I was quite shocked to discover a rather small, modest-sized house. I recognized the rooms. I recognized the lot. I recognized the house, but I remembered it through the size and experiences of a child, and I revisited it through the size and experiences of an adult.
But there's also a dark underbelly to those blank spots for which you have no answers. It has devastating consequences if you're manipulated like the author of “My Lie” was. That is the phenomenon of false memories. It usually takes place when distressed or depressed people are placed in highly vulnerable or suggestible situations, and convinced by others (often an untrained person or poorly trained counselor) that the reason for their struggles is "Scenario A" or "Scenario B," even when there is no evidence of any kind to make such a suggestion. Yes, we're all looking for answers to why we struggle with depression or rage or eating disorders or addiction. That's understandable, particularly when there seems to be no apparent reason why these issues exist. But solid academic research and common sense tells us that to suggest an abuse scenario when no such memory has been otherwise recalled, is both dangerous and irresponsible.
False memories are not deliberate lies. They are real memories - manipulated memories - of an event that did not take place. I say this often, but if you cannot recall a memory of abuse, but struggle with many of the secondary issues of abuse (depression, anxiety, self-injury, etc.), then what you need to work on are THOSE secondary issues. The "why" of those issues may become apparent to you at some point, but NEVER ever ever ever let someone suggest (either in person or through a teaching) that abuse has taken place when you are not aware of it in the first place! This muddies the waters and never gives truth an opportunity to surface in an organic way that has more integrity that suggestions do.
You may be feeling a bit defensive as you read this. That, too, is understandable. The other side of this coin is that many of us - abuse survivors - were either not believed or had our experiences minimized when we told. To have your experiences dismissed or minimized feels like the deepest kinds of betrayal - particularly when those who do so are the ones you need the most - your family or friends. When the subject of false memories is brought up, it may feel extremely threatening to you because you DO remember. You KNOW what happened. You LIVE with the scars every day from the abuse you suffered. Just like ignorant people who suggest abuse without evidence, other ignorant people will use this phenomenon of false memories to whisk away legitimate accusations and experiences of abuse. Ignorance is NOT bliss on either side of this.
For many abuse survivors, it takes years - sometimes decades - to become strong enough to disclose the abuse that occurred. That's pretty common, too. There are many reasons for this delay - fear, threats, consequences, and the shattering of the "perfect family" or "perfect pastor" or "perfect neighbor." Personally, I didn't disclose my childhood abuse by my grandfather until I was in my 30's. When you have this kind of delay in disclosure - people will wonder (perhaps even ask you) why you didn't come forward with this information sooner? The reasons for delay are as varied as the individuals who experience abuse. For me, I just didn't want to rock the boat - I wanted to pretend that everything was okay and not have to deal with the questions, the disruption in the ways things had always been, or hurt some people that I loved. It's probably safe to say that disclosure of abuse is rarely met with joy or relief - although there are probably exceptions to that - but when it's time for you, IF it's time for you - then you need to be prepared for the fall-out that will most certainly come. Am I better off because I disclosed? Yes and no. It's complicated - as anyone who has this experience knows.
Take time with your memories and experiences. Don't be so concerned about WHAT you remember as WHAT you're struggling with. If you're depressed and you come from a good home, have a good life, and have no recollection of any trauma or abuse, then deal with the depression. Period! If you're depressed and have memories of trauma and abuse, then connect those dots to see the cause-and-effect and work to restructure how you think about yourself and the present, in the context of your past.
False memories rip off the truth, and most certainly do great harm to people who have truly experienced trauma and abuse. Reality is what must be dealt with - whether or not you discover what those shadow memories are or are not. I believe those blank spots in your memories, those missing pieces - are God's way of protecting you until you're strong enough or in an appropriate place in your journey to look at them full-faced. I think they serve as a kind of spiritual bubble-wrap that will eventually dissolve when and if you're ready. Speaking to my own experiences, I only disclosed to others what I had known - but not acknowledged - most of my life. I looked away from it up until then. It just became a reality for everyone else when I told, but I had known it and not admitted it for decades. Personally, I believe that you will remember what you need to remember when you're ready. That won't come through hypnosis or manipulation. It comes through the honest pursuit of authenticity and integrity. Truth is truth. False truth is NOT truth. Healthy people seek truth, not manipulated explanations that may or may not have any basis in fact.
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Your Pain is Different
I am often approached by people who seem to need their experiences put in a category - to have it labeled. They share a few details and then ask, "Is that abuse?" My answer is always, "If it feels abusive or inappropriate to you, then it was abusive and inappropriate."Other people will qualify their experiences by saying, "I know some people have gone through much worse than me." To which I reply, "But that doesn't diminish your experiences and the damage you feel."
In your journey beyond abuse it is important to recognize that your experiences - whether more severe than others' or less - are YOURS to move beyond. If your hand was cut off and my leg was cut off - we would both have damage to overcome, but my loss of a leg would not diminish your loss of a hand. They are different losses for different people. In this example, you would still have to deal with the loss of your hand. It is the same with experiences that have been abusive and damaging. Your experiences are worthy of being addressed. Your wounds are worthy of being tended to. The damaged places in your body, your spirit, and your living skills must be acknowledged and overcome if you are to find a place of balance and health.
At the same time, I do think it is important to keep your experiences in perspective - to a certain degree. But pain is pain. Damage is damage. Dysfunction is dysfunction. There will always be other people who have gone through much more severe trauma than you, and it is important to have awareness of that fact. Or perhaps your experiences are much more traumatic than most, and it is important to have awareness of that fact, as well. But severe or mild, abuse survivors must learn to have sensitivity to the trauma of others, and - at the same time - take appropriate steps to find their own place of balance, peace, and health.
Your pain is YOUR pain. My pain is MINE. We accomplish nothing by minimizing our own pain because someone else had it much worse. At the same time, we accomplish nothing by being so focused on our own pain that we minimize the trauma that other people have experienced.
When you think about your abuse experiences - whether it is very severe or mildly severe - it is what it is. It was what it was. It is worthy of being addressed and cared for. It is also something to eventually move beyond - not in a snow-plow-pushed-through-it sort of way. More like an unpacking, acknowledging, and re-arranging how you relate to it sort of way.
Running away from it or wallowing in it - neither of these is healthy or productive. What IS healthy and productive is acknowledgement of what felt inappropriate or abusive, and taking the time to learn how to navigate through it and move beyond it. This is done by strategically managing your response to triggers; being accountable for how you live your life to a wise friend, mentor, counselor, or support group; respecting your body, intellect, and spirit and treating them in a healthy way; assessing how you function in relationships and re-drawing healthy boundaries; and re-learning how to live in a more functional, balanced, and holistic way.
I often think about the woman caught in adultery who was dragged before Jesus by the men in her village (John 8:1-11, New Testament Bible). There were two distinct issues going on here, and Jesus addressed them both. The first issue Jesus addressed was the hypocrisy of the villagers. The second issue was the woman's own behavior. Jesus didn't ignore one to address the other. He faced both issues, because both were worthy of being addressed. This is true for you, too.
Your pain is different from any one else's. There may be similarities - even the same abusers in the same household in the same way - but nonetheless, your pain is different. Don't look for a label or a category before you launch into a healthier, more balanced and honest way of living. Don't minimize or wallow in your experiences in order to address them. In many respects, during the intense stages of abuse recovery - you are the one who matters the most. But you will discover that as you become healthier, you can enlarge your worldview and maybe even help others who are similarly wounded. You can't hide behind helping others as a way to avoid facing your own damage and healing journey, either. But on the other side of the intense phases of abuse recovery, you will find that you just might have the wisdom and sensitivity to walk with another on this difficult road that leads beyond abuse.
Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just a Reminder
If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
-Sidney J. Harris
Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse
-Sidney J. Harris
Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse
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